You Are Not a Victim
One assumption I’ve lived my life by for a long time now, goes like this: “If it’s a matter of me being screwed up, or masses of people being screwed up (in the same way), then it’s far more likely that it’s me being screwed up.”
Just to paint a couple examples. Some of my favorite comments, emails or forum posts that I see regularly go like this: “I go out and try to meet girls, but the problem is all of the girls in my town are catty and immature. So I guess I just need to move to a new city.”
Really? So, it’s not you who’s screwed up, it’s the 140,000+ single women in your city who are ALL screwed up. That’s a totally reasonable observation.
Or you get guys who claim that ALL — not some, not most, but ALL — American women are fickle and too individualistic. Or that ALL Western women are immoral and cheaters and would never make a good girlfriend.
Guys making negative assumptions and stereotypes about MILLIONS of women for no other reason than to shirk accepting responsibility for their own short-comings. This appears to me to be nothing short of a victim-mentality and it pervades a lot of guys’ thinking, some in more obvious ways than others.
This doesn’t necessarily mean the general observations are wrong, it just means you’re interpreting them in such a way to victimize yourself. Sure, American women may be more fickle and pretentious than their European counterparts (then again, they may not be). Women in your town might actually be more closed off than women in a bigger city (or they might not). But you’re choosing to let those observations be responsible for your results, because it’s easier to feel like the victim, to feel like that fucked up and cruel world is short-changing you, rather than admit you just suck at something and nobody else seems to care.
Humans stereotype for a reason: so that we can manage large chunks of information in order to orient ourselves more efficiently. Often, stereotypes can be useful. But often they’re not. Often they’re nothing more than excuses; ways for us to avoid the blame and responsibility for not being satisfied with our results. And these excuses hurt us, and shut us off from opportunities.
So returning to the “women in my town are cold” example. Yeah, they may, on average, be colder than say, Las Vegas women. But are ALL of them? No. Maybe 40%? 50%? But if you write them ALL off as being cold and use it as an excuse and not take responsibility, you’re effectively shutting yourself off from 50% of the women in your town. You’re effectively missing out on hundreds of opportunities.
The same goes for complaints against American women. There are something like 40 million single women in the US. And you truly believe you can’t find ONE good one? Who’s fault is that? It’s your fault. You’re being lazy. You’re being lazy and unfairly judging millions of women all because you aren’t willing to take responsibility for your failures.
I believe strongly in taking responsibility for everything that occurs in your life. Our minds are always looking for ways to avoid pain and failure and rejection, and so they’re constantly churning out rationalizations to keep us impeccable; it’s THEM who’s fucked up, not us.
But when one practices taking responsibility for everything that happens in their life, you stop blaming others. It becomes less a question of blame and more a question of sacrifice. It’s no longer THEIR fault that you’re still single because they’re all cold bitches, but now it’s your fault and a question of whether you’re willing to sacrifice the extra effort or not to find a woman who isn’t a cold bitch. Taking responsibility and morphing blame into sacrifice empowers you. It puts the ball in your court and returns you to the healthy reality that the only person in this world who determines your success and failure is you.
The question of blame, responsibility and sacrifice is a profound one in relationships as well. Dysfunctional relationships almost always crumble under the pressure of one person blaming the other for their shortcomings or transgressions. Research has shown a direct correlation between the amount of blame leveled between partners and their propensity to break up (topic for an upcoming post). The recipe for a healthy and happy relationship is one where both partners take responsibility for their own emotions and their choice to commit to the other.
Just to give you an example. Before I got into all of this dating advice stuff, I dated a girl for four years in high school and college. I was madly in love with her and she ended up cheating on me and leaving me for another guy. For a long time I blamed her for being a cheating, lying whore and was very angry. Rightly so. But as time has gone on I’ve recognized a few things: 1) I wasn’t exactly boyfriend-of-the-year, and in many ways, her cheating and leaving me wasn’t very surprising; 2) there were plenty of warning signs that I chose to ignore or was just completely oblivious to; and 3) regardless of her actions, I made a conscious choice to commit to her day in and day out, and the risk of being cheated on was always a possibility in that commitment. In the end, I made the conscious decision that I was willing to sacrifice the risk of being hurt in order to enjoy the commitment of our relationship. And I wouldn’t take that decision back. It was my responsibility.
That’s an extreme example, but again, the application is ubiquitous. I used to have a pretty stern love/hate relationship for slutty club girls. My style of game was (and still is) very much intellectual- and humor-based. I prefer to get girls into interesting conversations where I can show off my mental gymnastics. For a long time, the ability to hook and attract drunk party girls in high-end clubs alluded me. It frustrated me for a long time and the ‘hate’ part of the love/hate was that I saw them as fickle, stupid and shallow. Now, that may be true, but I was blaming THEM for my lack of success with them. I mean, how dare they not be attracted to me! If they weren’t so dumb, they’d be lining up to bang me, and that’s how the world should be, right?
The truth was, I had to make a choice… was I willing to make the sacrifice in order to learn how to pick up girls like that? At the end of the day, that’s the only relevant question: the girls you meet will be the girls you meet, but are you willing to put in the effort and sacrifice to make something of it? When I did, I found something out: that I don’t particularly enjoy girls like that, even if they are hot. Eventually, I was no longer willing to make that sacrifice. Should they change who they are just for me and my values? No. Is it their fault I wasn’t able to get with them for so long? No. Is it their fault that I often CHOOSE not to bother with them anymore? No.
Stop fashioning yourself as a victim. The world is not conspiring to malign you. The world is pretty fucking indifferent towards you. Take responsibility for your life and stop blaming those who don’t behave in the way you wish they behaved.
Get your dating life handled. Become an attractive man once and for all, without faking it or pretending to be someone you’re not.
Models: Attract Women Through Honesty has been referred to as the best book in the field by many, and has received five-star reviews from all over the world.