Whether because of industry marketing or our obsessive analytical nature, a lot of men who get into pick up entertain the delusion that they have a lot more control over their results with women than they actually do. Sure, in the long-term, we all have almost complete control over our results. But in the short-term, on a girl-to-girl basis, we actually have very little power and we fool ourselves into thinking our actions and behaviors are more important than they actually are.
To keep things in perspective, and because I’m a numbers guy, I often tell guys that this whole process of learning game is being able to attract 10% or 20% of the women we meet rather than 2% or 1%. Even with that dramatic improvement, there are still 80-90% who are not going to be interested in you. And no matter how awesome you get, how charming you become, or how fearless you act, that’s not going to change.
The biggest time-sink I see is when inexperienced guys obsess and analyze how to control and fix a situation that’s simply not in their power. In any given interaction with a woman, the vast majority of the factors relating to whether she’s going to hook up with you or not are not in your control. What’s important is that we focus on what IS in our control (approaching, good social skills, humor, escalating), and learn to identify what’s not in our control so that we can avoid time-wasting situations and get on with our lives.
Here are the most common factors in which we have no control, but affect our results:
Her Relationship Status: Despite what a lot of anti-feminist ramblings would lead you believe, the vast majority of women in relationships, at any given time, are not open to cheating on their boyfriend/husband. Of course it happens, and over the course of their lifetimes, up to 50% of them will cheat at some point. But chances are it won’t be now. And even if she is willing to cheat, you can’t control that. Despite what a lot of guys would love for you to believe, girlfriends/wives cannot be “stolen,” they’re taken. I don’t care who you are, if you meet a woman who is happily in love with a boyfriend/husband who treats her well, she’s very, very unlikely to cheat on him with you, no matter how awesome you are. So get it out of your head. I see more guys wasting their time on girls with boyfriends convinced if they just get her to hang out once, they can win her over. 99% of the time, it’s not going to happen. How do I know this? I’ve had a number of girls cheat on someone else to hook up with me, and if they’re going to do it, you’re not going to know about the boyfriend or husband until the last possible moment. Cheating is not something you convince a girl to do. It’s something that she decides to do on her own and you hope to be the nearest attractive male when she does.
Her Emotional State: Another popular myth is that by developing amazing social skills, incredible humor, and even using covert tactics such as NLP lines, etc., that we can actually control how a woman feels. This is a myth. We can influence how others around us feel, but we can never control how others feel.
This is probably the second most common situation I see inexperienced guys try to fight through over and over again for no good reason. Let’s say you meet a girl, and she’s just in a horrible mood. Maybe you know why, maybe you don’t. Maybe her dog died last week. Maybe she just got fired from her job. Maybe she found out her dad has cancer. Maybe her ex-boyfriend started dating her best friend. Either way, here’s a newsflash: you’re not going to magically make her feel better. You’re a complete stranger to her and no matter how good you make her feel, it’s going to have a very minor effect on her overall demeanor.
A lot of fuss is made about being positive, being in a good mood, and having high energy. But it’s important to screen women for positivity, for being in a good mood and for having fun as well. Women in positive emotional states are going to be more receptive to you and more genuinely interested in you. Women who feel like shit are less likely to be.
It’s a sad fact, but how much sleep a girl got the night before, how stressed she is at work, and her relationship with her family will usually have as much to do with how she feels around you on a first date as you do.
The exception, as with the cheating situation, is if SHE chooses to use you to forget her problems or worries. If she’s depressed and goes out and says, “I want to get fucked tonight.” Then, once again, if you’re the nearest attractive male, you’re in luck. But unless she’s ALREADY made that decision, it is very, very rare that you’re going to completely turn around a girl’s mood or win her over. If you do, it’s going to require such a massive amount of work, that it is probably not worth it.
Her Personality and Pathologies: Similar to her emotional state, this is her long-term and/or permanent emotional disposition. For instance, some girls are attention whores and are desperate for validation from men. They will sometimes use you and then ditch you and get a sick thrill out of it. That’s just how they are, you can’t control it. Other women are perpetually victims. They always have a crisis and they always need a shoulder. You can be that shoulder if you’d like, but just know that there’s going to be another crisis and probably another shoulder around the corner. You can’t change that. Other women are crazy party girls and are always looking for a thrill. Others are horribly cynical and cold and will require a lot of time to warm up to you. Others are shy and naive and are looking for affection. Others are arrogant and intellectual and will be condescending towards you. You can’t change any of this, all you can do is recognize and adapt.
Her Preferences: Some girls are more attracted to white/black/asian/indian guys than other races. They’re not racist, that’s just how they are. You can’t help your race. Some girls like skinny guys who wear girl jeans. Others like professional guys in suits who make a lot of money. Others specifically like Asian guys with muscles. Some like beards and chest hair, others like metro-sexuals.
You can’t help these things. And honestly, I think the importance of superficial preferences like this are exaggerated. Do they matter? Yes. Are they deal-breakers? Almost never. I can’t tell you how many girls I’ve slept with who I’ve talked to later and asked them if they thought they’d hook up with me when they met me, and they’ve replied, “No way, I thought you were way too [enter adjective here].”
Logistics: Logistics are the bane of any frequent player in the bar and nightclub scene. Any guy who goes out a lot knows that pulling a girl home is 50% about how well you seduce her and 50% logistics. If she lives three towns over and her sister is driving her, you can’t help that. If she’s moving to San Francisco next week, you can’t help that either. If she has to be up for work at 7AM and doesn’t have time to go grab some drinks after dinner, well, that’s a fucking bummer.
Logistics are the constant turd in the punchbowl for any playboy. They’re something that can rarely be altered, and one must consistently adapt and improvise to account for them. And even then, you require a certain degree of luck.
When you account for all of the factors mentioned above, hopefully you’ll begin to see that the idea that you completely control your fate on a night-to-night basis is a mirage. This is why guys’ almost always report results in streaks: three girls in two weeks and then none for the two after, etc. We’re more or less all sitting at a craps table of life.
This post may get you down or bum you out. It shouldn’t. The beauty of this game, unlike craps, is you have nothing to lose. You just roll the dice over and over and over again. As much as possible in fact. The skill is knowing what to do with whichever number you rolled.
In my book I relate how guys of different experience levels tend to perceive game and what they often focus on or obsess over. Inexperienced guys tend to over-emphasize verbal game and the exact words that they’re saying. They over-estimate how important their jokes or their conversation threads are. Intermediate guys tend to over-emphasize their emotional state and how they feel when they go out.
Really, the most important factor is that you’re always going for it, and going for it without fear or anxiety. You’ll notice that a lot of the points made in this article involve finding girls who are receptive at the time that you meet them for whatever reason. You can’t control which girls are receptive to meeting a guy at any given time, but you can control 1) how you present yourself and 2) how often you approach. You can control your attractiveness by improving your lifestyle as much as possible. Verbal game is just going to help you convert the girls who are already receptive to you. Success comes from approaching and escalating consistently. That’s it.