This is somewhat of a sister-post to the my last post about trying. Today we’re going to handle the word “can’t.” But let’s start out with a very typical email I get from inexperienced guys. This isn’t real, but it’s very similar to the many, many reader questions I get every week. Read it, maybe you’ll relate to parts of it:
Hey Mark, I’ve got a big problem. I can’t ever seem to work up the nerve to talk to the hottest girls. I’ll talk to average girls, but for whatever reason I can’t ever get over my fear of the really hot girls that I’m attracted to. And when I do talk to them, I get all caught up in my head and can’t get out. I get so insecure that I can’t be as fun and as engaging as I’d like to be. I know I’m a pretty short guy too. So there’s a certain caliber of girl that I can’t attract. Not to mention often they have bigger guys around them, and I feel like I can’t impose when these other guys are around.
Another problem is I can’t go out during the week. It really limits my opportunity to approach so I can’t build any momentum to get over this problem. Also, as a side question, do girls like this really go home with guys they just met that night? I just can’t imagine that happening.
What should I do?
The phrase I’m going to teach you in this post is one of the most useful phrases that I’ve ever been taught by anybody. I learned this phrase from the best guy with women I’ve ever met. He had nothing to do with the PUA scene. He was just an incredibly driven and successful guy in all areas of his life, women and otherwise.
One of the first nights we were out together a few years ago, he was pushing me way out of my comfort zone. And considering I already had 40-something lays at the time and had been going out for almost three years straight, the fact I was out of my comfort zone meant he was pushing me really fucking hard (or at least it felt hard at the time).
I remember, I would often start giving excuses or explain why I failed at getting a girl. And every time I ever mentioned the word “can’t,” he would quickly interrupt and say, “can, but choose not to,” and then would let me continue. This happened in every conversation we had, from professional life, to women, to traveling, to personal finance, to whatever.
After a couple days it got really annoying, annoying to the point that I was consciously avoiding saying the word “can’t” in front of him. I finally asked him, “Why do you keep interrupting me with that?” He said, “Language is important. It affects how you think. Remove ‘can’t’ from your vocabulary. You can do anything, it’s a matter of choice and will.”
Before long, the phrase was embedded in my head, and I’ve used it on myself and with others quite a bit since. I’m sure some former students recognize it. I also drove my ex-girlfriend absolutely crazy with it numerous times in our relationship.
Now, let’s translate that original email from the beginning of the post, and see the implications.
Hey Mark, I’ve got a big problem. I can, but choose not to work up the nerve to talk to the hottest girls. I’ll talk to average girls, but for whatever reason I choose not to get over my fear of the really hot girls that I’m attracted to. And when I do talk to them, I get all caught up in my head and can, but choose not to get out. I get so insecure that I choose not to be as fun and as engaging as I’d like to be. I know I’m a pretty short guy as well. So there’s a certain caliber that I can, but choose not to attract. Not to mention often they have bigger guys around them, and I can, but choose not to impose when these other guys are around.
Another problem is I can, but choose not to go out during the week. It really limits my opportunity to approach so I choose not to build any momentum to get over this problem. Also, as a side question, do girls like this really go home with guys they just met that night? I just choose not to imagine that happening.
What should I do?
When translated this way, there’s almost nothing to even reply to, is there?
Get your dating life handled. Become an attractive man once and for all, without faking it or pretending to be someone you’re not.
Models: Attract Women Through Honesty has been referred to as the best book in the field by many, and has received five-star reviews from all over the world.
Olivherbst chooses to like this
Of course we can. But we don’t want to go through the learning process. Looking bad, making mistakes, being nervous as hell, having other people making fun of you, etc. I think what makes the difference is doing it, no matter what. You can do it, but you are gonna look bad, you are gonna be nervous, you are gonna make a ton of mistakes. But that’s the only way to do it, learn and progress. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Desensitization_(psychology)
Shit…
What was your friend doing to push you out of your comfort zone?
I’ve heard about this guy many times from you and he’s an absolute legend in my mind now.
Yeah, would like to know more about that guy, too
This is a really great phrase, I will use it now, too.
Thanks for sharing, Mark!
I may write about him one day. Very interesting character. Amazing with women and an amazing person. But had a dark side as well.
Back in 2008, my game was somewhat one-dimensional. I mainly picked up the same types of girls at the same types of bars, approached the same kinds of sets. He called it going for “low hanging fruit.” He really opened me up to a lot of new places, situations and ideas of what was possible. He’s probably been more influential on my game and ideas around pick up than any single person. Definitely more influential than anyone I’ve met in the community.
In fact, I’d say that there are three so-called “naturals” that I’ve been friends with who have all influenced me quite a bit. Probably as much or more than any single PUA guru.
haha I’m gonna remember this. I’ve already been driving my little brother and sister crazy by interrupting them whenever they use ‘always’ or ‘never’ (in the context of ‘He always gets what he wants and never listens’ translated to ‘He often gets what we wants and frequently does not listen’).
Not a fair response, Mark. That technique of changing a word (or phrase) everywhere it appears in a paragraph didn’t work here (in most places). The writer hasn’t made any kind of choice to have social anxiety. He was really saying:
Hey Mark, I’ve got a big problem. I *can’t figure out* how to work up the nerve to talk to the hottest girls. I’ll talk to average girls, but for whatever reason *I can’t figure out* how to get over my fear of the really hot girls that I’m attracted to. And when I do talk to them, I get all caught up in my head and *can’t figure out* how to get out. I get so insecure that *I can’t figure out* how to relax and be fun and as engaging as I’d like to be. I know I’m a pretty short guy as well. So there’s a certain caliber that I can, but choose not to attract [Tim9000: left this one]. Not to mention often they have bigger guys around them, and I can, but choose not to [Tim9000: left this one too] impose when these other guys are around.
Another problem is I *can’t, but all things considered choose not to* go out during the week. It really limits my opportunity to approach so I can’t build any momentum to get over this problem. …
Getting over social anxiety is a pretty major problem for a lot of people, and of course choosing to push oneself is a prerequisite for success. But having a plan that one has faith in is super-important too. It gives motivation to push, because there is a belief that the pain and suffering will pay off.
In your GGG program, what kind of approach you prescribe help men get over their crippling social anxiety, and what percentage of your material is devoted to this?
Tim
I guess semantically, you’re right. Unfortunately, this blog is not about semantics. It’s about picking up girls and overcoming personal boundaries. So, in that context, this is just more analysis and avoidance of the issue.
The first step to improving anything is to accept responsibility for it. The word “can’t” implies a lack of responsibility. Whether it’s technically correct or not, replacing it with “choose not to” forces one to accept responsibility for everything. Whether that means choosing to approach the super hot girl despite crippling anxiety or choosing to seek anxiety therapies, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you always have a choice. Take action or don’t take action.
There’s very little to “figure out” about anxiety and pick up. It’s actually more of an undoing of “figuring out” as the propensity to “figure out” everything is usually just a smart person’s way of avoiding what they don’t want to do.
I’d also be interested in reading about the guy who pushed Mark out of his comfort zone.
As for the height issue, being short is no excuse for not getting hot girls. My ex-roommate is 5’5″ on a good day and skinnier than Kate Moss, yet he pulls an absurd amount of ass.
This dude sounds like master Yoda. XD “You can but chosen not to, have you, uuhmm!”
yo mark,
i never really post comments, but man this article is so powerful. thanks for putting it up.
I’m not gonna lie, this article made me take a long look at my life in ways that didn’t even relate to girls.
and while you’re at it, get rid of any self-pity you have too
Thank you, Mark. Since Im changing my language to a much powerfull language. With the last 2 posts you make me see what Im I shouldnt say. By the way I wanted to write trying but there is no trying. You do it or you dont. You always have a choice, if u say cant you choose not to. Awesome!!!! Please keep up with those good posts.
Hi Mark,
I just wanted to say thanks for your last couple of posts. Especially this one, and the one about your believes really made an impression with me, and made me take another look at the life I am living.
After so many hard years of self improvement and getting rid of anxieties I realized how much I still let myself be held back by fears. These posts really hit a spot.
So, thank you (again).
BTW, will your new book be available as hardcopy via amazon? Otherwise I will have the ebook bound….I know, I’m old fashioned
Yes, I plan on releasing my new book in ebook, audio, hardcover and kindle versions.
Simple, but yet has so much meaning. I still often have trouble approaching, and often say I can’t approach. I need to rewrite this too “I can, but choose not to approach” again and again and again until it sinks in.