I feel like one of the most underestimated aspects of actively deciding to improve your abilities with meeting and dating women is your own social circle. This is for two reasons:
1. Guys come from a background of having only met women through their social circles before and they want to get away from it. It never worked for them in the past, so why should they focus on it now? Randomly meeting women in bars or on the street is a more exciting and “pure” form of attracting women. It’s more of a challenge, so why waste valuable nights dabbling with women you already know? I think this is a silly belief that’s holding a lot of guys back from improving the quantity and quality of their dating lives.
2. The prevalent limiting belief of becoming known as a “player”. Guys assume that as soon as you sleep with a girl, all of her friends will think you’re either a player or an asshole or both, and they’ll want nothing to do with you.
Attraction by Osmosis
In fact, the truth is often quite the opposite. With some girls, the more you become known as a player, the more they’ll end up chasing after you. They all do it in their own ways, but they do it. The reason is what I think of as “Attraction by Osmosis”.
Your attractiveness is determined by the group’s opinion. They’re one and the same. When you sleep with a girl, you’re establishing your attractiveness firmly to all of HER friends. She values her friend’s opinion. Her friend is attracted enough to you to sleep with you. So unconsciously, she’s going to equate you with a lot of the characteristics she requires to go home with you. Every subsequent girl you sleep with that she knows, the higher she perceives your value in the group, the higher her attraction for you is.
To illustrate, I’ll tell a story about a group of girls I knew in college. There were 5-6 that partied with my friends and I often. They were all attractive, high quality girls: smart, beautiful, cultured, interesting, etc. None of them were on the crazy side. In fact for college girls they were actually on the conservative side. About two years ago, I picked up and slept with the leader of the group. We’ll call her Cindy. Things didn’t really go anywhere and she ended up dating another guy, but we stayed friends and I still hung out with her and her friends afterward.
About six months later. I find myself in a good conversation with Cindy’s friend — we’ll call her Amber — at a party. Suddenly, I see the attraction and the interest from her. I made a move on her and end up seeing her for a month or two. Things with Amber end and a few months later, I run into the same group of girls out at a bar. Their friend who I hadn’t met, “Catherine,” was there. Catherine starts talking to me, buys me a drink and immediately starts flirting with me. It’s obvious by now I have the reputation as a “player” within this group of girls since I’ve slept with two of them. And it’s also obvious that Catherine wants to take advantage of my status. Catherine and I ended up in a casual relationship for over a year and we’re still friends today.
But it didn’t end there. My reputation reached the point of intrigue/resentment within their group. I had built up such a status with them, that they felt like they had to cut me down when I hung out with them. The girls were often outwardly cold toward me, constantly testing me, telling me I was a slut and a whore. But their actions always betrayed them. When I slept with another auxillary friend of theirs, it was greeted within the group by, “NOT YOU TOO!” Another girl — call her Jane — after giving me hell for months, simply got in a cab with me one night, walked into my apartment and climbed into my bed. She didn’t even bother verbalizing her intentions, because it had become so obvious within the social context what was going to happen. I was the guy they went to if they wanted casual sex. And believe it or not, a lot of times women want casual sex.
Another girl had a long-term boyfriend of four years. When he broke up with her, she began calling me on weekends even though I hadn’t spoken to her or hung out with her in well over six months.
At this point, there’s only one “survivor” left in the group. And when I see her, she’s afraid to even say hello to me. There’s a strange intrigue yet fear of the inevitable within her. As far as the other girls, I’m still friends with all of them, and they are all still friends with each other.
This is the prime example, but the phenomenon is common. This Attraction by Osmosis is happening everywhere, but I don’t think enough guys take advantage of it. Haven’t you noticed if one girl has a huge crush on a guy, all of her friends will develop the same crush? This doesn’t stop just because you have sex with her. It just increases! You’ll start getting calls from female friends saying, “My friend X is in town for the night, and we were wondering what you’re up to.” Every girl wants to get laid now and then. If you’re known for bedding girls, then they will say, “Wait, I know a guy.” The power of this is so underestimated. One of my fuck buddy’s cousins came into town. I met her and she was INSTANTLY all over me. I literally did nothing. There was no rational explanation for it. In her eyes, I already possessed enough value to fuck her. That’s it. TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS!
Owning Your Identity
I see questions on boards from a lot of guys who sleep with one girl within a social circle and want to move on to the next girl. But they’re either afraid to, or they try to and falter. Sometimes they try and the girls all end up hating him. Every time this happens it’s because he’s not owning the reputation he’s created in the group. EVERY TIME. The girls see you as a “player”, they see you as their group’s boy-toy. Own it! Don’t be afraid of it. But be warned, they will CONSTANTLY test you about it, to make sure you’re congruent and you DESERVE your status. The more of them you sleep with, the more they will test you. Some of them will outright resent you, ignore you, talk shit about you. You MUST remain unaffected.
The other issue that happens a lot is when you do get with the next girl, and she starts freaking out that her friends will hate her. For instance, when I got with Amber, she was worried that Cindy would be angry at her. Same with Catherine with Amber. You cannot be fazed by this AND you cannot interfere with their friendship dynamics. Let their drama play out. As long as you’re stoic and maintain your social value, she will find a way to make it happen. After you’ve slept with a few of them, there will be less and less resistance for fear of hurting their friendships because your reputation will be solidly defined within their group.
The ironic thing is when you own your identity as a player, or literally as the-guy-who-is-going-to-fuck-all-of-them-before-all-is-said-and-done, they will LOVE you for it. It’s who you are, and they accept it — they HAVE to, they slept with you after all — so they will appreciate you more and value you more for your congruence. But if you try to shy away from your identity, your player reputation, and your intentions with them, you will become in congruent. They will question your intentions, your friendship, and they’ll despise you for “using them” for sex. They’ll talk about how they should have known better and how you never appreciated them. This is counter-intuitive, but it’s how things ALWAYS pan out.
It just reinforces the fact, that in the end, all life’s relationships demand congruence to your identity. This is probably another reason that the aforementioned guys’ social circles have been so neglected. With such a heavy focus on external change, many guys can’t test their dating boundaries while being congruent with female friends. You must learn to become more attractive while still being yourself. You must learn to develop your identity — a sexual identity that women are magnetized towards — then you own that identity as you sleep with who you choose, and they love you all the more for it.