My primary goal for the first half of this year is to get a new book written and (hopefully) released. When I say book, I mean a book on the same scale and depth of Models, except about self development in general rather than strictly dating.
Current Working Title: Postmasculine: The Rational Self Help Book for Men
Thesis or Main Argument: Masculinity or a man’s identity has classically been defined by a his relationships with external indicators such as wealth and sex. This has created a culture of emotionally weak, low self esteem men. Men should re-orient their identities to being more self directed.
Organization: I envision the book being split up into three parts. The first part will introduce the social and cultural problems the current generations of young men face, how they’re different from the problems of preceding generations of men, and how to adapt and evolve to confront them. The big focus here will be helping men to put less emphasis on validating their identities through external indicators (sex and wealth being the big two) and more on self-acceptance and being self-directed. I’ll make the argument that men’s ability to be open with their emotions and mature in handling them is the currently the big thing holding them back.
The second part will focus on personal relationships and sex and how most men are enslaved to earning the approval of the men and/or women around them. This section will focus on how to break that leash and develop a strong, interdependent identity. A lot of time will be spent on boundaries, values, standards, and yes, vulnerability and honesty. There will definitely be some overlap with Models here, but I think it will dig deeper and be more personal. For instance, why are men unable to express appreciation for each other openly? Why is sexual rejection a source of shame? Why is a man who is emotional seen as weak? I’ll look at these questions and rationally argue why one should act despite these social pressures.
The third part will focus on wealth and a man’s relationship to it. This will probably be the first “self help” book ever written that will flat out tell you that it is very unlikely that you’ll ever get rich and that no, not everybody can be a millionaire. And that’s OK. That’s good, even. What you can do is feel enriched and important with the value you put out into the world, even if it only makes you a $40k salary. The chapters in this section will focus a lot on life purpose, identity, values, social pressure, and so on.
Style: There will be more personal stories in this one. And a LOT more research is going into it. Whereas Models was written as “this is how it is, now go do it,” this book will spend more time arguing its case — since, after all, it’s making a much larger and more controversial argument than Models was. I’d also like it to be funny and entertaining, as a way to break up the heaviness of some of the subjects. You will NOT see the usual pathetic tone “Rah, rah, you’re awesome, you can do it,” of most self help books. Sorry, but this one will tell you the truths that may be unpleasant to hear.
Because of this and its intended audience, everything will be argued quite logically. So instead of, “You should be willing to be more open with your emotions because then people will like you more and then you’ll be happier,” there will be a long, step-by-step breakdown of how and why emotional inhibitions harm your relationships and your life. This will be done with both examples and research.
The Goal: It’s been clear for a while now that Postmasculine needs a brand-defining book, a stamp of identity for the business its message. It’s also becoming clear that the blog has reached a point of diminishing returns on time invested. If I want to take things further and make things bigger, a solid book that people want to talk about and share with one another is probably the best investment of my time.
The book will be self-published. I agonized over that one for a few months, but it will be. It will also be available in hard copy and Kindle editions as well.
I’m still in the outlining and research phase, so if you have any ideas, comments, suggestions on research studies or books, I’m all ears. It will probably be a few months before I mention the book again, as it’s time to sit down and start grinding it out.
Surprised to hear you agonized over self publishing vs trying to get a publisher. I can think of several bloggers in the travel niche alone who’ve released self-published books, only to have them lead to a deal with a big name publisher.
@rtwdave Maybe it’s different in the travel niche. Models has sold thousands of copies and publishers haven’t made a peep at me.
@postmasculine @rtwdave On a personal level, I think Models would be more “attention grabbing” if you removed the word “Models” from the title. Less is more. “Attracting Women Through Honesty” says enough by itself. That’s just my take.
First of all: Great plan, looking forward to the book!
A little hint.. you write
<blockquote>”For instance, why are men unable to express appreciation for each other openly? Why is sexual rejection a source of shame? Why is a man who is emotional seen as weak? I’ll look at these questions and rationally argue why one should act despite these social pressures.”</blockquote>
That reads a bit as if you only assume social pressures as causes for these problems. But as you know, there’s a lot of beliefs out there seeing the reasons in biological factors. It would be interesting if you also could discuss these arguments a bit, as you already did in <a href=”http://postmasculine.com/evolution”>”Evolution and sexual behaviour”</a>. A well written and not-too-crazy book presenting the biological side is <a href=”http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Blank_Slate”>”The Blank Slate”</a>, and there the chapter “Gender”.
@Georg Jaehnig There will likely be a chapter on the origins of gender and the whole biology vs culture debate. I.e., which parts of masculinity are innate and which one’s are socially constructed.
@postmasculine @Georg Jaehnig “The Red Queen” and “Nature via Nurture” both by Matt Ridley might be good books on this subject.
This is the book I’ve been waiting for.
cool man, this sounds pretty revolutionary! I’m in!
I’m looking forward to this. Your writing has helped me a great deal more in my life than anything else.
“the big thing holding them back.” Holding them back from what?
@GrandHighExalt From being self-directed and forming strong masculine identities for themselves, rather than buying into the traditional notions of masculinity.
WOMEN: I hope that you will spend a lot of time on boundaries, and the different nuances of them.
Also, on when you take people out of your life, and when you keep them in even though they do unaccaptable things. Also, how do you handle needy women that as much as you try to break up with them, they go neurotic and want you even more.
WEALTH: And on putting value in the world, I hope you will talk about the concept on value and go deep with it. As deep as you can, because even though we hear it, in many ways it stays at the level of words and does not go into true understanding.
GENERAL: It would also be awesome if you shared your view on the shortest way to reach the development we want. Meaning, what should we focus on, then what, then what, even if it takes courage. So that we know at each step where we are and what is our point of focus at the immediate level.
And which habits would have the highest leverage and have the highest impact in our lives that we should make sure to do daily? Like reading a little bit etc.
consider the book already bought by me
Also, in another post, you mention how when you are vulnerable with a manipulative woman, and you leave in the middle of a sentence, she’ll probably think you are an insecure guy, but you do not care.
Could you expand more about how most other people will think of you when you are self-actualizing? And what kind of people will be attracted and who will be rejected?
Also, please talk a big chunk on failure, its types, consequences, and role in self-development.
“It’s unlikely that you will be a millionaire” would be a nice contrarian sub-title to the book
Being emotional is an indicator of a weak man because it provides times of poor self control. The negative emotions i.e being sad and crying over a woman or a death displays weakness. These are situations that have expired and you must accept and overcome, and not let break you. Emotions are necessary, however an emotional man’s emotions are too contingent on external factors and lack stability. I believe in the stigma that the man should be the more solid figure in a relationship although he may breakdown at times, he shouldn’t never earn the title of being emotional.
@dimitrifjoseph What you describe is not the emotions being weak but the manner and reasons for them being displayed are weak. A man (or woman) can express emotions in a strong and positive way without having to stifle them or pretend that they don’t exist.
@postmasculine @dimitrifjoseph Okay, true that. To express and voice how you feel is an uncommon and useful feat. As with all, this quality takes reasoning and moderation. Wish you the best of work with this next project.
Very much looking forward to the new book Mark. Regarding research ideas, I was wondering if you have looked at the adult developmental theories of Robert Kegan? If not, I think you will really find it interesting, and find it very relevant to what you are doing here. There is a terrific book about his work called the Discerning Heart, written by a professor Lewis, that you can grab off Amazon for five bucks. It is concise and to the point, which is important because Kegan’s two texts on the subject are dense and intended more for practitioners.
Mark,
It would be awesome if you would put this in nook format as well. I’ll definitely be getting a hardcopy to pass around but I’d love to have one for my nook as well.
Look fwd to it Mark I’m interested to hear more about the ‘girls and money’ issue. I live in the Czech Republic, and have seen that some girls really want to show how independent they are, whereas others are looking for a stable man with money. This is a country where the average monthly salary is $1200 or so, whereas in Australia the average is $5000. Personally, I’ve met some guys who had no money but dated beautiful women. Though I do think for girls being with a rich man is, as one friend put it, ‘a bonus.’ This is probably more the case in the Czech Rep than in Australia, where women have their own sizable salaries. Interestingly, the guys I’ve met who dated models or beautiful women were very strong in their identities, the kind of guy that leads his own life and doesn’t take crap from others, etc.
@GetIntoEnglish The new book will not talk about attraction or dating much at all. Instead it will focus on where men tend to derive their identity and self esteem and whether this is serving them or not in general.
I wish you the best of luck on your endeavours. It was just this morning that I was rethinking where I am in life, and how appreciative I can be of experiences rather than items. I admit that money can facilitate experiences – going to somewhere exotic, for example – but a pleasurable experience can also be gained by reading a book in a park. I still think in the back of my head that I will be rich one day, but if I don’t, that will be okay. Richness in character is a commodity that transcends green sheets of paper. I value the mindset that you are speaking about because it is the kind of healthy state of mind that will be required as humans continue to develop as we have been for centuries – especially in the last 100 years.
Hi Mark,
I’m also looking forward to the book. Sounds like the logical next step after models when you look at the change of focus of your blog.
I started out searching the internet for dating advice but more and more i got only interested in the “inner game” part and I realized that the pick-up-knowledge is only a route for me to build self-esteem and a fulfilling life. So your site was the perfect link to get from PUA to real self-development. Thanks for that!
Just some short comment on what I have read so far. Like many people here I had problems in the beginning to understand and accept your model of vulnerability. Not mainly because it’s so abstract or new, the biggest problem was to overwrite the emotional respose which is tied to words like “vulnerability”. Perhaps it would be a good idea to use a less burdened word here, which does not trigger instant refusal in new readers. A word which can work for your brand just like “postmasculine”. (The same thing applies in my opinion for the misleading title “models”)
Don’t get this as fundamental criticism on your ideas, I think they are great. Just some of your words are more misleading than helping to understand the concept because of their “emotional history”
I hope this was understandable, i’m not a native speaker….
@borborad It’s interesting that people have such strong emotional responses to the V word. If being vulnerable is about exploring the parts of yourself you’re afraid to expose, wouldn’t your strong reaction be a signal to yourself that this is something worth looking into? And that those who are unwilling to discover why there is that emotional response be unwilling to do what it takes to become more vulnerable? I guess what I’m suggesting is that the word vulnerable can actually be polarizing in some ways; turning away those who are unwilling to consider the idea of exposing weakness to others, but not those who are willing to try something that challenges them.
Two invaluable books that would certainly be useful resources on your book I have mentioned earlier…Brene Brown’s “Daring Greatly” and Daniel Kahneman’s “Thinking, Fast and Slow”. The first examines shame and vulnerability and how men and women differ while the latter examines the irrationality of our decision making process. Both brilliant.
@Satan wears Daytons Already read “Thinking, Fast and Slow” and have “Daring Greatly” downloaded and will read it soon. Lot of people have recommended it.
Thanks.
@postmasculine @Satan wears Daytons Mark, as a more general comment, I think you REALLY need to read “Daring Greatly” for 2 reasons: 1–it’s a fucking excellent book. I’ve highlighted it up and down and pored over my notes. 2–I think your last few posts have hit very much on Dr. Brown’s writing BUT have not differentiated themselves from her. I think you need that differentiation to sustain/enhance the brand, particularly with long-time readers such as myself.
-Alex
Great Idea!
I’m looking forward to read your new book. I would love if you can focus on how to develop “own values” and also develop the courage to live based on them. I think the following quote can very well be seen as a mantra here:
“It’s not hard to make decisions once you know what your values are.” – Roy E. Disney
Also, as you already mentioned in the “The New Masculinity” article, it would be great if you can outline and give suggestion on how to do your “own initiation” ritual – in a way a new modern form of initiation into adulthood. I guess it is not one event anymore, like it used to be in some old tribes, where you had to do a bunge jump, survive in the wilderness for a certain amount of time or get eaten by giant ants as a jung boy in order to make the transition from boy to man. In our modern world the rituals have changed for sure, but the question is what can I do to become a man?
The next suggetion I have would be. Where could I find mentors, that could give me guidans for my personal development? I guess in a way that should be the job of our fathers and grandfathers, but they themselfs are struggling with theses issues or are not around (physically or emotionally). This is why we have the problem or challange of redefining masculinity in the modern world in the first place. I mean it would help to have a notion or lets say a model of an honerable, honest and strong man, I guess his is what is lacking in our society. It would also be great if you can give examples of rich men from real life, who have strong characters and where you you can see, it’s not only the money they care about. Maybe some decisions or public statements they made, that you can fairly say, this guy deserves my respect because of these good traits. From my point of view it is essential to see behind the curtains of all hollywood-style show-off guys, who managed to get rich, but overcompensate. Therefore learn to only give respect to those who deserve it. One of the main things I derived from the writings of postmasculine.com is, that it is important to address fake behaviour in yourself and in others and embrace authenticity and honesty. Also to give respect and compliments to those who deserve it! This already helpted me to let go of many unhealthy and not useful believes about external indicators such as wealth and sex!
I hope I could give some usefull feedback.
Best,
Ilgar
I am always impressed by your fearlesness and “just do it” attitude. I am more “blocked” in some areas so I stand back with wonder when you throw out a huge idea like this with a target date six months out! I offer the following:
In your main thesis you say that (this generation of) men are externally directed and you suggest a reorientation inward to self direction. It seems to me that religious tradition once offered a spiritual solution that fulfilled and guided a self-directed sense of identity (in relation to a God or God’s). What would you suggest “contain” or guide a man in his sense of “Self?” Have there been other groups or schools of thought that tried this and what was their result? What role do mythology, rituals and symbols play in identity and what does this generation of men have to sustain them?
I would like to read the points illustrated not just with personal anecdotes but also stories of people you know well. Like, “When I first met Alejandro I thought he would be in prison if he lived in Chicago or Miami, but it was his black humor……And so in this, the first great fragmentation of my maturity, I saw Alejandro for a true child of God, and knew vulnerability not as weakness but strength..” Etcetera.
Maybe consider an “editorial board” of knowledgeable friends, experts, readers, etc. It might speed things up to send sections for appropriate comment to the “editors.” You are covering so much ground with this book that it will be tough not to miss some things.
You say this is more controversial than Models, but I don’t think of it as real controversial – I may have missed a point somewhere.
Good luck
It would be really great if you talked about the value of settling down, and the value of staying single.
And when is time for each. And how to know when a girl is the right one to settle down with.
Also, talk about how hard or not it is to find an ideal partner.
This is part of masculinity, in my eyes.
Wahoo, research intensive book(s)!!
My first take from your 3 parts breakout is that it seems like the meat of the book will be “Part II.” Might I suggest that you switch “Part II” and “Part III” organizationally? It seems, to me, like a much more natural flow: part 1 is introduces your theory and lays out your approach; part 2 moves from talking about unhealthy wealth identification to healthy wealth identification; part 3 does the same for relationships/sex as in part 2 but also ends with a grand theory of the “postmasculine man.” Just a thought.
I’ll also suggest reading the following, which are outside your focus but that I think are excellent (and short) research-based books. I’m sure there are many others as well.
- “Race Against the Machine” (very short)
-this one touches on the the idea of reinventing the definition of success and argues for an entrepreneurial economy (as do you).
- “The Architecture of Innovation”
-This is just an excellent book that is highly researched. Working through tying the appendix to the writing might be helpful.
-Alex
@crossFit_Al Just finished “Race Against the Machines”. Awesome book. Highly relevant. Thanks.
Mark,
RIght on, the book sounds badass. I’m looking forward to a rational, objective breakdown of emotional realities and a no bullshit plan to improve them internally. I always found the rah-rah books you mentioned compelling but ultimately unmotivating because they were just too…cheesy. I think that’s why I love this site and your writing so much…you definitely have a unique voice and perspective, but a lot of the self improvement stuff is information you can get elsewhere. And that’s fine. In fact, I think you like it that way. I certainly do. Your talent is making it come alive and become real for actual guys…put simply, your advice feels like I’m sitting down having a beer with the older, cooler brother I never had. It’s just so much easier to believe, accept, and then integrate into your life when a guy that you wouldn’t feel weird sitting next to on an airplane is laying it down.
Are you still planning on releasing a general self esteem/confidence course this year? I remember you mentioned that before and it sounded cool.
Also, I’ve been curious for some time now, but do you believe in emotional/mental improvement through vigorous physical training? Personally it’s the most powerful experience I’ve ever come across for cultivating raw masculinity, but theres a definite inconvenience factor because while training that’s harder than coffin nails is directly coordinated to weiner growth, it also takes a level of exactly that- Balls. Just like approaching women or opening yourself up in conversation does, but on a more immediate, present moment level of intensity.
Just curious because it’s always been my go-to for when I’m down on myself or in a rut, and I find that it is a BIG time force multiplier when coupled with what you teach.
Tyler
@Shutcherass Yes on the self-esteem course, hoping for second half of this year, after the book.
As far as fitness training. It’s a great tool to improve physical/mental health and there’s a ton of research backing it up. But I would say it’s not a complete solution in and of itself. To put it another way, I’d say it’s necessary but not sufficient. And that goes for whether you’re into weight training, running, sports, or whatever, some type of physical fitness is necessary to maintain good and stable health…
It sounds like it also acts as an outlet for you, in times of emotional stress or insecurity… which is cool… it’s a totally healthy way to cope with those negative emotions and whatnot. But it’s not the only way.
Thanks for the comments.
I personally look very much forward to this book. I see a paradox, that we as men try so hard to be independent and self-directed, yet we often do it in a way that is completely dependent on other peoples expectations about how to be.
One thing I’d especially like to see addressed in the book is how men’s expectations that they should always be strong and unemotional, and that this has huge destructive implications to men, and their relationships with women and other men. From my perspective, all people in the world crave close intimate relations with men – whether it being from fathers, sons, brothers or friends. But too often male emotional expressiveness just ranges between being “pissed off” or “shut down”.
How do we envision a kind of emotional maturity that allows men to have their emotional needs met, while also being able to meet other peoples emotional needs?
And please do not make this book shorter than it needs to be. Something as important as this is worth at least a 1000 pages.
It is actually a good thing that Atlas Shrugged is a 1000 pages long, to truly drive the points home. In such an important and needed book as the one you are going to write, please be as thorough at driving the points across as you can.
Hi Mark,
glad to hear from your new project. Looking very forward to finally reading it.
Always wanted to ask you if you could release any lecture or blogpost about improvement of relationships in marriages or partnership. Currently there is a good resource from marriedmensexlife in bookform as well as blog and forum. Would be very curious about your opinion in this topic as you are currently in a releashionship as well.
Thanks in advance and all the best.
I’d buy the shit out of that book – and I don’t buy many things.
Things like the 48 laws of power by Greene. I hope you will address whether, in our evolution as man, do we need to heed such advice?
It feels bad to even read that book, but it is being pushed on us as “the way”, that we are not successful because we are not open to such ideas. So, I hope you will address such ideas.
@RoMaRi Doubt I’ll talk about that book specifically, but I will tell you that I think Robert Greene’s work is some of the most overrated crap out there, and that most of his books are useless at best, harmful at worst.
@postmasculine @RoMaRi I started on 48 Laws, and I agree wholeheartedly. However, I recently read Mastery, and I found it to be supremely useful to me.
@alendrum @postmasculine @RoMaRi I agree. Mastery is is a great book…
I appluad your work! Huge fan of your first book, life changing, really.
Hopefully, you can release it soon, for all of us to enjoy.
Love your ideas.
Big fan Mark! I have made lots of headway in my dating life based on the ideas you laid out in your first book. You already seem familiar with ACT and mindfulness but two books that currently hold my interest in the self-development field are “Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life” (workbooky) and the Confidence Gap.They both emphasize the importance action and values-orientation over ego-identification. In a similar vein “Awaken Your Strongest Self” and “Self-Discipline in 10 days” are good reads about the process of pursuing goals effectively as is “Success” by Heidi Halvorsen (more research-focused). Leadership from the Inside Out is a solid read on leadership, purpose and authenticity as is Find Your True North by Bill George. Lastly, Character Strengths and Virtues by Martin Seligman is a pricey but insightful read on the role of character strengths in finding fulfillment/being your best/etc. All the best with the book.
The book that set me on my personal development journey (or whatever the hell you want to call it) was Robert Glover’s “No More Mr. Nice Guy”. Loved that book and I hear echoes of his work in your writing. Looking forward to the book!
I don’t know just how applicable it is to what you’re going for, but a book I read last summer which had a positive and lasting impact on me is ‘The Consolations of Philosophy’ by Alain de Botton. I like how he takes these 6 different human problems which inherently feel isolating, and talks about the lives and the writings of some of the greatest thinkers ever to grapple with these issues.
Hey mark,
I was hoping you could go into detail about the type of research you are doing and what books you’ve been reading through for your new book. Thanks. Much love.
@boxwino I may do a separate post on this once I’m done with all my research. A few people have asked about this.
I really enjoyed “Antifragile” by Nassim Taleb.
Hi Mark,
What do you about the concept of masculine and feminine archetypes? I am specifically talking about ideas discussed in such books as “King, Warrior, Magician, Lover” and “Gods in Everyman” ( “Goddesses in Everywoman”).
@belikewasser Eh… it’s complicated… It depends on what their use is. If their use is practical, then sure.. but if you’re looking at an objective understanding at gender, they’re garbage. Gender roles ahve evolved a lot throughout history.
It sounds like dating is going to take a backseat in this book, which is great as you have interesting things to say on many topics. However, I’d really like to see a post about how you determine if a girl is worthy of a serious relationship. The articles about compatibility were a good start for those already in relationships, but what about when dating someone and deciding if she is ‘worth it’ or not? I don’t mean ‘worth’ taking abuse from, nobody should do that, but I mean worth making sacrifices for, i.e. temporary long distance or simply investing increasing amounts of time. Given that you have a girlfriend now, I think many readers would be interested to hear more about the thought process that goes into that, especially for people who have less trouble finding partners but more trouble finding great ones/determining how great they are. Thanks and keep up the great work!!
Hey Mark,
Ever read “The Way of Men” by Jack Donovan?
I honestly think you should consider writing a whole book only on honesty and vulnerability.
We desperately need that.
It is so foreign to what society preaches to us that it can easily be misunderstood, and even when explained, understood in a distorted way.