A commenter Brian commented this to my last post:

“I think a lot of guys already mention that improving your lifestyle would improve your results with women. However, it seem that very few guru actually give a concrete example of a good lifestyle. It’s probably because most of the gurus themselves dont have good lifestyle. Your article would really stands out from all the other gurus if you tell us some of the examples.”

I get asked for specific examples for an attractive lifestyle often, and to be honest, I dread it when I do. First off, I’ll say that Brian is absolutely right: almost nobody gives good examples of an attractive lifestyle and most pick up coaches lead very unattractive lifestyles to boot.

But the reason this is hard to answer is that it’s such a personal question. What may be an attractive and exciting lifestyle for me may be horrible for you and vice-versa. I personally love to travel to obscure places, learn languages, and listen to weird and loud music. I’ve made that work for me pretty well. I know a guy who works on indie films, is involved in local theatre and enjoys Renaissance Festivals. And he makes it work for him. I know another guy who spends as much time as he can at the lake on his boat, either fishing or water skiing or wakeboarding. And he makes that work for him.

It’s going to be different for everybody, depending on what you enjoy, who you like to hang out with, where you live, what you do for work, etc.

Let me say this: in general, a lifestyle of going out to bars and clubs and partying five nights a week is a degenerate, unattractive and unhealthy lifestyle. Take it from a guy who did it for years. It will eat away at you both physically and emotionally. Night life is a fickle world and is meant to be visited, not dwelled in.

With that said, I do love confronting this question when I work with guys, because we can usually spend a good hour and get into their interests and situation and how they can spin that into a thriving and attractive lifestyle.

But for the rest of you, here are some general principles to follow:

Love What You Do – This goes for both career and hobbies. But the career part may be the most integral piece of this whole thing. Enjoying your profession isn’t enough, you need to believe in it. You have to be doing something where you legitimately feel like you’re using your talents to contribute to society and the world in a better way. If you’re a paper monkey at some insurance agency, or if you feel like you’re stuck in some dead-end bullshit job that you only have to pay the bills, GET OUT. GET OUT NOW. Not only do you spend half of your waking hours doing whatever your job is, but the baseline of long-term attraction is what a man is doing with his life. If you’re drifting through life just kind of doing the bare minimum to get by, then you’re going to attract women who do the bare minimum to get by.

By the same token, pursue hobbies and passions that you have. Again, this is not only because being passionate about something, about anything, is sexy, but also because it will lead you to the type of women who are going to be most interested in you. If you’re really into writing and literature, then hanging out at writing conventions and workshops is probably going to introduce you to exactly the kind of women who you’re going to like, and who are going to like you.

Love Where You Live – If you live with mom and dad, move out ASAP. Don’t do anything else until you move out. Until you move out, you’re basically beating your head against a wall. There’s something unconscious in a man that clicks off when he’s no longer independent.

Location is important too. If you’re a 45-minute drive outside the city, this is going to hurt you. The boonies are for raising kids, not having a bachelor pad.

Also, make sure you’re happy with the city you live in. I recently worked with a black guy from Wichita, Kansas. He’s educated, traveled the world, and very intellectual. And he’s like one of two black people in Wichita, Kansas. I told him just going to a more culturally diverse city would double his results without changing anything else.

If you’re stuck in the burbs or live with roommates you don’t like. GET OUT! Stop making excuses and find a living situation that you’re happy with.

Love Who You’re With – Make real friends. Not pick up friends (although those friends can become real friends), but have real actual friends who you enjoy just going out and having a beer with. Friends who don’t expect you to approach or who want you to analyze their text conversations. This is another area where pursuing hobbies is crucial. Having a strong network of people who enjoy the things you enjoy, the same interests as you, and who like you for you, and not because of some line you rattle off in a club, is immeasurable.

Probably the worst mistake a guy can make — and I’ve seen it happen over and over and over again — is to ditch all of his old friends and to start hanging out with other guys who want to get good at this stuff. Life needs balance. And if you got anything from my last post, I hope it’s that you realize that you need something in your life to keep you grounded as you’re progressing through this stuff.

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21 Responses to The Lifestyle Question

  1. Kevin says:

    I had a bunch of issues with the ‘friendships’ I had with guys in the community, but the biggest one is that a lot of the guys just seemed to be using me as a means to an end.

    Even if they weren’t doing it in a cold, deliberate way, they just wanted a wingman and didn’t really care about anyone they hung out with as a person.

    I remember going to local meetings and being introduced to new guys. I’d just be friendly in the most basic way and ask them some questions about themselves, and the words would go right through them and they’d look at me like, “Why would you ask something like that?” It was the oddest thing.

    • Geert says:

      Hey Kevin

      I totally agree with you on that!

      I simply just don’t hang out with community people for many reasons:

      1) Most of them don’t want to see you improve, they are just after your women. I would say 99% of them.

      2) Most of these guys are just plain weird. About 90% of them.

      3) Most of these guys are always saying “oh my god I’m having such AA” and “Oh man you should have forced me to approach that girl”.

      4) Most of these guys are just obviously compensating and are incredibly insecure. Djeezes, the times that I got “Amoged” in the first 2 minutes of a conversation.

      For me this was actually a big realization, I’ve recently written a post about this on G3. I called it “male integrity vs human values”.

      Seriously my eyes really opened….

      • Mark says:

        Haha… I’ve had some funny experiences with this too. One time at a meeting years ago, I got up to go to the bathroom and some guy took my seat. I came back and said, “Hey man, I was sitting there.” He then got all AMOGy on me and wouldn’t get up.

        Wingmen have their place. They’re useful, and they sometimes can become good friends. But yeah, I just think a lot of guys getting into PUA stuff don’t know how to make friends, period, men or women.

        • Geert says:

          I once met a lair leader who only laughed with his own jokes. And when I made one he always looked the other way or ignored. Basically he was just talking to himself all the time. Not a very plessant experience.

          When it comes to wingmen, I’d rather take out a normal guy who I can trust then an amazing PUA. Seriously in the end, you’re going to have to do it yourself. A wingmen is probably great for motivation. And if I want advice I’ll just contact you.

          I’ve had way too many guys who afterwards tried to steal my girls. And for this I just have zero-tolerance.

  2. Chase says:

    Mark, nice post, brother. It *is* quite difficult talking about lifestyle, it seems… part of it I think is that a really neat, interesting, good lifestyle takes time and effort to build. But when you have it, the passion bleeds through and people can tell when you’re living a life that you want.

    One tack I’ve taken that I’ve found helpful was deciding what kind of people I’d like to get to know better and be more familiar with, and just go there and mingle with them and learn their ways for a while. Always have found it fun, educational, and a really cool way to find activities and people you wouldn’t have even realized you’d get along with so well.

    Chase

  3. cobrastyle says:

    I think good lifestyle also depends at which point you are in your life.
    You say “going out to bars and clubs and partying five nights a week is a degenerate, unattractive and unhealthy lifestyle”
    Maybe, but for some its necessary to go through a phase like that and if you didn’t had that drive and determination maybe you wouldn’t be who you are today?
    I think its often necessary to go to an extreme or reach one’s own limits to grow.

    • Mark says:

      Absolutely. I always tell guys to treat night life as a training ground. It’s very, very useful for pushing your social boundaries and your comfort zones in a lot of ways. It kind of goes back to having a period where you consciously realize that you’re practicing and working on this stuff, then remembering to return to reality.

      But as a lifestyle, it’s terrible.

      The problem is a lot of guys who never really had a lifestyle prior to this stuff get confused and assume that going to bars every other night is just what the rest of the world does.

  4. Brian says:

    Haha, thanks for your input in this mark. Personally, i always felt that lifestyle question is always the weakest link in the community. Just as community constantly focus on cold approaching, lifestyle is more of a social circle. I think once we solve this issue and can truly teach men to build up an attractive lifestyle, the results would come much quicker. Someone once said, cold approach is the major league of pickup, and that is true. However, you dont need to play in the major league to get laid. I’m going to post some of my thoughts on attractive lifestyle on your forum and i would love your thoughts on it.

  5. seele says:

    This is still not any good for me in terms of improving my lifestyle.

    I am not living with my parents since I was 19, they are actually living in a completely different town. I earn good money and love what I am doing. I practice martial arts for half a year now. I have a good BMI and overally look good. I have several good friend that I love spending time with and I actually don’t own a facebook account.

    So what is lacking in my damn lifestyle, so I could easily meet women? My profession is dominated by man. There are very few women that practice the same sport as I do. And most of my friends share my profession, so there is no easy access to women through them.

    So, my lifestyle actually sucks, when it comes to women :-) The only way to meet them is cold approach in a club or during day game. None of them I believe to be very good, because though I had some successes, they require a lot of time. And honestly I prefer to develop myself career-wise, then spend countless hours in a club or circling in a mall. So what the hell am I missing?

    • Mark says:

      Get creative. I can’t live your life for you.

      (This is why I generally dislike this question.)

    • Marcus says:

      Get a hobby where you meet women automatically (e.g. dancing)?! You have to love to do it of course.

      • seele says:

        @Marcus:

        I tried dancing classes several times. I even once met this way a girls I was with for several years.

        But I hate dancing.

        @Mark:

        I don’t expect you too. All I’m saying is that I am doing exactly all you suggest in the post, and that’s not enough. And if I want to focus on my career, I can hardly find time to go to clubs or long day game. So is PUA only for college guys?

    • Todd says:

      Dear Seele: I feel your pain. I love my job, friends, and sports. I exercise, eat healthy, play soccer, bjj etc. You sound like you have an excellent lifestyle. But now that you have the foundation laid, you still aren’t crossing paths with that many women. What did you end up doing? It has been a few months, have you found something that works well for you?
      Sincerely, Todd

  6. ^Chris* says:

    Would it be possible to create a sort of blueprint for building a healthy lifestyle?

    A simple outline like (just example):

    *Meet people and foster friendships with constructive, trustworthy people.
    *Find work you can enjoy and believe in.
    *Live in an area you enjoy.
    *Involve yourself in activities you enjoy.
    *Eat nutritional food and exercise.
    *Constantly go on new adventures.
    *Be generally kind to most people.
    *Foster positive habits and replace negative ones.
    *Etc.

    That’s very rudimentary, but I’m sure there are subtleties that would help people greatly. The goal is more of a solid idea of what makes a good lifestyle rather suggesting a specific lifestyle.

    Like the principles of good art, allowing you to create your own piece. But not a cookie cutter, still allowing for individuality and creativity.

    It seems like you won’t get too much from learning about women without a solid understanding of how to build a solid lifestyle. (Although having women in your life will likely improve your lifestyle to a degree).

    Really, all we can work on as human beings is our lifestyle, right? Can’t paint very well without a paintbrush. (unless you’re a finger painting expert.)

    I see why you don’t really like writing about lifestyle… essentially includes EVERYTHING. But I think you’re on to something, helping guys discover fundamentals required to build their own unique, yet solid lifestyle.

  7. Peter Phoenix says:

    Mark, this is just what I was looking for. Thank you.

    I also may suggest having more than one social circle, so if one is going through a bit of a rut you don’t have to depend on them for companionship.

  8. Kiko says:

    You said “If you live with mom and dad, move out ASAP. Don’t do anything else until you move out. Until you move out, you’re basically beating your head against a wall. There’s something unconscious in a man that clicks off when he’s no longer independent.”

    WOW, is it THAT important?
    I mean, obviously if your goal is to bang the most you can then having your own place is priceless in terms of logistics. But if your goal is a nice “normal” girlfriend is it that important? Because from what you wrote and how you wrote it the main point of not living with your parents is not even
    about the logistics, its about something completely different which i havent been able to pick up on… Care to expand on this?

    • Mark says:

      I’ve just noticed that every single guy I’ve met who still lives with mom and dad just lacks a certain edge, independence and drive that guys on their own have.

      It’s not impossible to be successful, but I’ve seen time and again, literally the instant a guy gets out on his own, his attitude, confidence and motivation all shoot up.

    • ENC says:

      Seriously, thanks for asking that question. If you hadn’t asked it, I’d have.
      And thanks to Mark for answering it, of course. :-)

  9. Paul says:

    Good article. You really hit the nail on the head by advocating that an attractive lifestyle should be attractive to you first!

    I have seen a lot of guys in the community who focus on building a lifestyle that is attractive to others, and whatever satisfaction they do get out of that lifestyle is usually based off of a power hit (eg: throwing parties, being the center of attention somewhere, etc…). And people think ‘attractive’ lifestyle = adventure. This is not always the case.

    There are many women who are a great match for every guy, so no matter what lifestyle you desire most, there will be women there who are a good fit for that (because they have similar interests or something).

    Other than salsa dancing and the occasional travel, I am not really galavanting all over town. Most of my interests, hobbies, and PASSIONS are based on wellness, health, and human rights. So those are the women I see now, as opposed to trying to design a life that others will be drawn to, I try to design a life that I can’t help but be drawn to myself…even if there are no women waiting there for me.

  10. Kurt says:

    “If you’re a paper monkey at some insurance agency, or if you feel like you’re stuck in some dead-end bullshit job that you only have to pay the bills, GET OUT. GET OUT NOW. Not only do you spend half of your waking hours doing whatever your job is, but the baseline of long-term attraction is what a man is doing with his life.”

    As I see it, this is easier said than done.

    http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2010/01/05/national/main6056611.shtml

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