The Abundance Paradox

More isn't always better

I promised I’d discuss the pick up corollary of the Isolation Paradox. And here it is: the Abundance Paradox. Like the Isolation Paradox, the Abundance Paradox is simple yet has a wide range of implications.

The Abundance Paradox is the fact that the greater your abundance mentality, and the greater your experience, the less importance and significance seducing new women holds. By its very definition, an abundance mentality implies never overvaluing any specific interaction with any woman you meet.

It sounds obvious, but what this means is, the better you get, the less you value any specific interaction, the EASIER each interaction becomes. So, similarly to the Isolation Paradox, you end up as a man with an obscenely wide range of options, but being uninterested in pursuing many or most of them.

For instance, let’s take your average attractive bar girl: not super hot, but not ugly either. She’s kind of cool, but not amazing. Kind of smart but not brilliant. Seems all right. You pursue her a bit and realize a couple things: 1) she can be kind of a pain in the ass and is a little ADD and 2) logistics aren’t great as she’s with 3-4 friends who need to be won over.

I’m running into this situation constantly recently. And what always happens is the same. I quit caring. Whereas 3-4 years ago, I’d push and push, overcome all sorts of obstacles, ninja my way through logistics and end up sleeping with her (after five hours of work and tons of effort), nowadays, I look at her, realize I’ve banged like 50 girls as hot as her, dozens of girls cooler than her, realize I would probably never call her again and wouldn’t really enjoy my time with her, and that I have shit to do tomorrow, so I don’t want to be up until 5AM and stuck sleeping in some random girl’s bed all night. So I move on.

Literally, unless girls like this do all of the work, I don’t bother.

This is a big reason why I’ve started meeting women during the day a lot since I’ve gotten back to the US. I just can’t be bothered with all of the nonsense that goes on at night. The fact I can invest 3-4 hours in a girl who I may not even like and might not sleep with. It seems insane to me now, whereas years ago, it was par for the course.

As a result, I date fewer women than I used to. I also care FAR FAR FAR less than I used to. And honestly, I’m far happier than I used to be. It’s weird, but in this case, I believe that improvement involves a drop in results. Higher quality, lower quantity, far less time and effort. These days, I’d much rather have a great conversation with an interesting girl who I don’t go home with, than pull a girl who I have no interest in.

But hey, it’s what makes me happy now. I approach maybe a dozen girls a week, line up a few dates, and then only sleep with the ones who I enjoy spending the time with. At this point, my time is way, way, way too valuable to me to spend hours and hours trying to bang a girl I don’t enjoy being around. This is obvious right? Why would you have sex with someone you don’t like?

Like I said, when you’ve already banged like 50 girls exactly like her, why would you put in all the time and effort to do it again? It’s like sitting down to read a book you’ve already read 20 times. Why would you bother unless you have some sort of compulsion or addiction? And this doesn’t even count the headaches some girls can cause afterward, or the fact that same night sex is usually pretty bad.

So I turn down lays now… a lot. And half the time part of me still tells myself that I’m just being lazy another part of me says it’s maturity. Either way, it’s an aspect of an abundance mentality that’s never discussed. Sure, when you have an abundance mentality, women rejecting you ceases to bother you because there are millions of women waiting for you. But you don’t realize until you have it, that YOU start rejecting women. Why? Because there are millions of women out there waiting for you.

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16 Responses to The Abundance Paradox

  1. Leo says:

    “So I turn down lays now… a lot. And half the time part of me still tells myself that I’m insane for doing it. But whatever… it’s just sex”

    I’ve turned down lays lately, not a lot, some. And I was critizing myself for doing it. I even said to myself: you are acting like a woman! What are you doing? Until I realized that you really enjoy sex with somebody that you really like, physically and EMOTIONALLY! Having sex just for sex’s sake sucks!
    You are not alone Entropy.

  2. newly divorced says:

    Entrophy you’re starting to sound like a natural. A lot of naturals have your attitude. They are only interested if the girl is really hot or does it for them. Much healthier than insecure PUA’s trying to rack up numbers.

  3. JohnnyK says:

    I think calling it maturity is a safe bet. And really it could be the beginning of a whole new evolution as you probably spend a lot more time developing your life and not your lays. Good luck man.

  4. Gully says:

    Whats ‘SNL’?

    Both ‘paradox’ concepts seem both logical and insightful.

    For me, I also have a problem mantaining interest in even making an effort to get with girls. A really unique or really bueatiful girl will motivate me; but otherwise, I dont have the same motivation to have sex or relationships with your run-of-the-mill type girl.

    But different to you Entropy, Im not particularly experienced with women. I can count my lays on two hands, actual relationships on one. So for me, Im not sure why Im like this. I think its a mixture of things, my lazy lifestyle perhaps; the lack of exercise, the not so great diet, the lack of challenge and inspiration. Perhaps its just rooted into my biology, that by the time I get to my early 20’s my testosterone levels start to fall off a bit.

    Sometimes, I even question my sexuality.

    My own intuition tells me that my apathetic spell can be corrected, and that if I was to exercise more and live a more active lifestyle, then logically it would follow that I become more horny and generally I give more of a shit.

    But thats my strange problem – not the lack of women/lack of sex/experience itself, but the lack of giving much of a shit. I guess it can be quite a cyclical thing. Some days/years you want women more, othertimes not.

    For you Entropy, I can only say what already seems apparent and obvoius; it seems like your finding it increasinlgy hard to find much satisfaction from your lifestyle. Like a drug addict thats always chasing that next buzz but never getting it again. In my opinion, these last few posts seem to be subtly saying like ‘the game’ or being a ‘pua’ is starting to become quite a hollow, and perhaps ultimately superficial experience for you. I dont know.

    Perhaps you need to give it a rest for a while. At least for yourself personally. Both these paradox concepts already said it, but what I read is simply ‘overkill’ – the more you have of something, as you say, the less special it becomes. As for me, I think I just suffer from low energy, low sex levels and that leaves me demotivated with chasing women.

  5. Entropy says:

    SNL = Same Night Lay

    Gully, your issue sounds like it may be two things… one is your poor lifestyle habits. Poor diet, lack of exercise and depression (?) are all sexual inhibitors and decrease testosterone. I’d say if you’re still in your 20’s, there’s absolutely no biological reason for you to be experiencing low sex drive unless you have some rare condition.

    The other is anxiety. In many people, anxiety is expressed through apathy. The sub-conscious’s tactic for avoiding the fear and nervousness is by convincing itself that it just doesn’t care.

    Obviously you don’t have to answer this publicly, but how often do you masturbate or look at porn? If it’s daily or more, then your issue is definitely psychological and not biological. If it’s only a couple times a week and you are STILL apathetic about going out and meeting women, then it may be biological.

    As for me and the community… it’s funny a bunch of you say I should “take time off…” I’m single. I love women. How can I ever take time off?

    What’s gone is that desire to prove something — to myself or anybody — and to improve my so-called “skill-set.” Since getting back to the US, I’m just going out and enjoying myself, meeting girls as I meet them and am loving it. My relationship with PUA is quickly approaching being 100% professional and 0% personal, so in that sense, I definitely am “quitting” the scene.

    But honestly, this is a scene in which you can’t succeed unless you leave.

  6. Prague says:

    “this is a scene in which you can’t succeed unless you leave.”

    I was thinking the same some time ago. And when I go out now with friends, we have more interesting conversations, no one saying “hey I just opened an HB7 and I got blown out” (for the record, I never spoke like that anyhow, but I found guys talking game just brought the interactions down…

  7. Tom says:

    Is there really an abundance of hot women? From what I have encountered…not really….All I seem to encounter are women telling me they have boyfriends, are seeing another “special guy”, get shit tested over brutally and its like a brick wall. The ironic thing is that I have always had a very high sex drive but never get laid. At least with women I like or are attracted too…I live in a big metro area and travel alot so its not like I am some sheltered type. I see maybe 10 to 15 “10’s” a year and at least 9 out of 10 “8.5 to 9’s” seem to be married or in relationships. Why are 10’s so sought after? Because they are rare ….wtf…

    I read about this abundance stuff over and over but I swear its rare to find a hot chick that is single and available. Where are they? According to this community, there is abundance…oh really?

    So is there really an abundance?

  8. Entropy says:

    Tom: In the long-run, there is an abundance of every type of woman. Also understanding that the hottest girls aren’t necessarily the most fun to be with is important as well. Looks are great, but shouldn’t be your deciding factor.

    But yeah, a lot of time goes by between me seeing legit 9’s and 10’s. And I always kick myself for days if I don’t approach them. But whatever, life goes on. And I’m usually always seeing a really kick ass chick at the time (even if she’s like an 8 or whatever you want to call her), so that keeps me grounded.

  9. Tom says:

    Looks are great? True but is this not what the community is all about. It certainly is not about holistic “togetherness.” You and the community sell products to guys so they can try and have sex with hot women. Period. There would be no community if guys just were happy with what they have (had) and just settled. But oh no…the community comes around and says “try this and that and you will be in bed with 10’s in no time after about 1000 approaches.” Is that not true? You then go about and say “well looks do not really matter”. Ok well she does not have to be a 10, but for gosh sakes that why do you guys do this? Always contradict yourselves.

  10. Entropy says:

    @Tom: Please point out where I’ve made any of those claims. I don’t make any of those claims and I disagree strongly with companies that do.

    All I promise to my clients and customers is an improvement in their dating life. What that improvement is or the extent of it is up to them.

    Blanket statements and criticism like that don’t help anybody.

  11. Tom says:

    I got it from here – “Tom: In the long-run, there is an abundance of every type of woman. Also understanding that the hottest girls aren’t necessarily the most fun to be with is important as well. Looks are great, but shouldn’t be your deciding factor. ”

    When I said “you and the community” I did not mean to put you in a general negative blanket per say, rather it was more so that the community in general promotes trying to date hot women. Some guys and orgs out there are really bad with the hype. You are not, you are cool. Thats why I read this blog. However, that above quote really irked me to a degree for I do not find an abundance of attractive women like I am told are out there. At least single available women. It just does not seem to exist like one is usually told. So if one does not truly have abundance it can be a very hard time.

  12. Entropy says:

    Well, it’s either one of two things… you live in a location with a lack of hot women (i.e., somewhere like Detroit or Oklahoma or something).

    Or it’s a perception thing. And that’s the whole thing about abundance mentality. I mean, I’ll only see maybe 1-2 girls I consider “hot” a night these days, and that’s in places like Boston, Chicago, etc. But if you add up how often I go out, that’s still plenty of chances and choices in the long-run… in fact, that’s far more “hot” women in a month than I’d ever be able to date at one time.

    I think where guys get misled is how the community skews the effort/reward involved. It’s easy to get the impression that “abundance” means that you have 10’s falling all over you constantly. Not only is that inaccurate, I think it’s logistically impossible for a normal guy — you just can’t get access to that many women of that caliber, not enough exist. But that’s looking at it from a short-term perspective… from the, “give me this now” perspective that most companies market with.

    An accurate depiction of having an abundance mentality has to occur over the long-term. Anyone who’s gotten good at this stuff will tell you, it takes a long time. No matter how good you are. But if you accept and are confident in your ability to surround yourself with these types of women in the long-term, then that abundance can kick in.

    But, for instance, if I’m diligent and approach each one of those 1-2 I see every day, then I know in the long run, I’m going to end up with some really hot girls. It will probably take weeks/months, but if I keep at it, and go for every opportunity I see, it’ll be inevitable. It’s just a matter of being patient and diligent at the same time. And patience and diligence typically only come with a lot of experience and/or really healthy mindsets and beliefs. A lot of guys complain about the lack of abundance of hot women, but they don’t act consistently — they only approach on Friday nights, only approach with wings, or only approach girls in easy logistical situations.

    It’s just unfortunate that such a huge part of the marketing in this industry is geared towards instant gratification. I’ve found in my experience that pretty much nothing worth having in terms of women comes quickly or easily, but rather it usually comes after a little bit of pain and soul-searching.

    I guess this is a very long-winded way to say I agree with you, but I also think you can look at things differently (from a long-term POV).

  13. Intricate says:

    You’re a deep cat. Your maturity level is slowly being revealed to you. It’s scary, confusing and exciting all at the same time. Your recognition of life’s paradoxes is a sure sign that you are on your way to the next level. And I’m not talking about the next level of “GAME”, I’m talking about the next level of personal development.

    That’s called enlightenment.
    Congratulations!

  14. DJ Fuji says:

    Haha Entropy, i knew exactly what this post was going to be about as soon as i read the title. It is a weird phenomenon, no?

    It reminds me a bit of the paradox of choice — the idea that the more options you have, the more dissatisfied and unhappy you tend to be with that decision, regardless of the outcome. It stems from central concepts in “Decision Theory” (no, Mystery did not come up with that :)) As human beings, we tend to be unhappy with the extremes of choice — none at all or too much of it. The irony, of course, is that we start dissatisfied with no options so we struggle and work to give ourselves an abundance of options, and then we end up right back where we started… dissatisfied.

    I’m starting to realize that a lot of pickup revolves around these paradoxes (and breaking through them).

    Getting past that initial slump where tactical mistakes lead to blow outs which lead to confidence issues which leads to more blow outs, which leas to confidence issues… ad infinitum.

    Numbing ourselves to caring about the outcome of an interaction and then trying to care again and stave off that emotional distance, especially in relationships.

    Working on our appearance so much at the beginning (because we think it objectively matters), only to realize that as our game gets better, appearance stops mattering so we get fat. Then we have to find a new reason to get in shape…

    Live is sometimes a set of cruel ironies.

  15. Matt says:

    On Thursday I had two girls actively give me their numbers and asked me to call them. I didn’t really care about the interactions that much but would have taken them home that night if it had worked that way (One of them I found quite attractive). Will I call them? Probably not, I can go out next time and meet another couple of girls again and perhaps I will like them enough to follow up. Just thinking a girl has a hot body isn’t enough for me to care to meet here if I know after an hour or two I wouldn’t enjoy her company – I work a lot and travel a lot and have other interests too so my time is precious. I guess it’s not a bad situation to be in all in all.

  16. redsunrising says:

    So… I’m really new to game… I haven’t approached even one girl yet. Are you saying… I shouldn’t bother spending much time with any woman who bores me? Haha. I feel so stupid asking this question but after reading all this PUA stuff I’ve gotten it into my head that I need to aggressively pursue as many women as I can, and bed as many of those women as possible, and that my concern with them is not so much whether I like spending time with them as whether I find them sexually attractive. Logic being: develop solid inner game along the way. Again, I feel this must be a super stupid question, but I’m getting confused by all the competing advice out there. Thanks, Mark.

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