Last night, my girlfriend and I were invited to a swingers party. It was a legit setup (not one of these “debauchery” or “sex-themed” parties you get often, where it’s just an excuse for people to dress slutty and dance on poles). It took a lot of email correspondence, phone interview, and only couples and single women were allowed in. It was discrete, planned well in advance and at a hotel suite outside of town.

We didn’t know anyone there and hadn’t met anyone before. We met the organizers through a “friend of a friend of a friend” type thing, and had never met them in person.

We were excited and a bit nervous. We’ve had threesomes before, but we had never taken part in full-fledged “swinging” before with other couples or having sex with up to 3-4 other people at a time. The hosts were very reassuring over the phone. They said there would be 20-25 couples, a smattering of single ladies, average age in late 20’s, all in decent to good shape and sexy, no pressure to do anything, and refreshments and snacks provided.

We prepared ourselves emotionally, mentally and finally, physically. We got dressed and looked our best. Took a long drive out there, got horribly lost, completely stressed out, and finally found the hotel. Called for the room number, walked up and nervously knocked on the door.

The door opens… and was this going to be it? The doorstep to the most exhilarating night of our lives? An emotional roller-coaster full of mind-boggling pleasures? Was this our sexual utopia? An Elysium Fields of sweet, sweet pussy and hot sex sweat?

Not quite.

Everyone is fat… and hideously ugly… and old and creepy… and socially awkward… It was awful. We were shown the “playroom” where I saw two women — the size of small dinosaurs — getting double-teamed by fat black men… while 60-year-old men stood by and jerked off watching.

I’m sorry, I’m not usually this evil and vain. I don’t usually blast fat people or be blatantly judgmental like this, but I feel justified considering they clearly and REPEATEDLY misled us. It was false advertising. There weren’t more than five couples there. It was literally a bunch of old guys gangbanging four fat girls. It was horrible.

And I mean, they weren’t just fat people. They were the bottom of the social totem pole, the scraped algae at the floor of the gene pool. It was like a “Save the Whales” convention where only the whales were invited. In the 90 seconds we were there, they ate a part of my soul… and probably for no other reason than that they were still hungry after dinner.

After coming home and doing some searching around the internet, I found out the swinger scene is notorious for shit like this. You know how when you do online dating and you meet that chick and she’s 10-15 pounds heavier than in her picture? Well, it’s like that times 10 apparently. Scams everywhere, constantly misleading. Sure, they demand proof and pictures from us. But in the future we now know to demand proof and pictures from THEM.

For future reference, I will not attend one of these parties unless someone I personally know (preferably a hot female) can personally vouch for the group. I have talked to guys who have been to these things and met attractive people and had a great time, so I know they do exist out there. But holy God, this one was not it.

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2 Responses to Swinger Party Follies

  1. Clarence says:

    I hope you at least stayed for the refreshments.

  2. Eros says:

    Your girlfriend is moving to Africa… So are you two breaking up or going to try long distance? Or, god forbid, are you leaving us too Entropy?!

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