Short post today. This is a concept that gets talked about little, yet when I offer it up as advice to many guys, it blows their minds. Sometimes the best move with a girl is to do nothing. Sometimes doing nothing is more powerful than absolutely anything you could possibly say or do in a situation.
In men’s dating advice, we have a tendency to obsess about the perfect thing to say, the exact right time to call, the precise time to text and how to respond. This tendency gets most guys into a mindset of reactivity, which causes them to behave less attractively.
Here’s a novel thought:
- You don’t HAVE to respond to all of her texts.
- You don’t HAVE to acknowledge everything she says to you.
- You don’t HAVE to call her back.
- You don’t HAVE to have sex with her.
As I type this out, it sounds so plain and obvious, but it really does blow some guys away when they realize it. It blew me away.
Think about it this way: would you rather err on the side of her feeling like she has seen you too much, or not enough? Exactly; it’s better to let her miss you too much than to have her be sick of you. Too often guys feel so obligated to act or do something or respond around a girl, that they end up making themselves too available and too easy for her.
What happens to you when a girl doesn’t reply to your text? That’s right, you sit around and obsess over what happened, how did you lose her, why isn’t she replying, what could you have done better? That goes both ways. You not replying to her can send her into the same tailspin of insecurity.
This may ruffle some nice guy feathers around here, but let her feel insecure. Her insecurity is not your responsibility. And show me a girl who is insecure around a guy, and I’ll show you a girl who is attracted to that guy. The two are very closely related.
So next time you’re talking to a woman and you don’t like or care about something she said, just don’t reply. Sit in silence. See what happens. Or next time you’re busy when some girl texts you, just don’t text her back. Wait a day later until you feel like it. If you don’t feel like calling a girl, then don’t. Call her later. Your responsibility is to yourself, not to her.
I got back from a trip to Central America last week. I went on a date with a girl right before I left. She was a nice girl and fairly cute, but I wasn’t smitten or anything. We traded some messages on Facebook while I was gone and she told me to call her when I got back. When I got back, I was tired from my trip and needed to catch up on a lot of stuff and I didn’t bother calling her for a few days. When I finally did call her, she became very nervous and actually started apologizing to me for stuff that she didn’t even do wrong. Now, I’m not saying that I relish in girls apologizing to me for crap they didn’t do, but it showed me something: that she had spent the previous 2-3 days genuinely worrying whether I was going to call her or not and had invented reasons in her mind as to why I waited so long.
Now imagine if I called her the moment I got off the airplane. Then called her the next morning. Then texted her the next afternoon. Bam. Suddenly I’m way too available and crowding her and there’s absolutely no question in her mind whether she can have me or not. Therefore she’s less excited, less uncertain and overall less attracted to me.
I’ve seen this happen to guys over and over again, and if I could point to the biggest problem guys have with follow up game, this would probably be it (that and trying way too hard to be funny over text — both are almost universal rookie mistakes).
Before I go, I should add one final caveat to this. It’s important to not mistake the “you don’t have to do it” impulse with the “I’m chickening out” impulse. It’s an easy mix up to have. For instance, if you have bad sexual anxiety or are a virgin, and you have a girl naked in your bed, and you decide that you’re tired and don’t have to have sex that night… well, you’re probably just bitching out. Use discretion. Pay attention to the REASON behind your actions. If you don’t feel like calling or having sex because you genuinely are busy or value doing something else, then that’s fine. If you don’t feel like calling or having sex because you’re scared to death that she’ll reject you, and in the process you’ve convinced yourself that watching the Knicks game is more important to going out with the hot girl you were crazy about last weekend… well, then you’re just lying to yourself and you need to suck it up.