Our culture is saturated in sexual shame. Some of it is overt and obvious (religion, slut shaming) but much of it is implied and subtle. Sexual shame occurs any time we feel uncomfortable, unworthy, or immoral about our sexual thoughts, feelings or actions.
So if telling your date that you think she looks sexy in such a short dress feels inappropriate; if a woman wanting to have sex on the first date feels forward or “slutty;” if trying to kiss a woman you just met even though you don’t really know her feels wrong or undeserved; then chances are you are suffering from some level of sexual shame.
Sexual shame inhibits us. It slows us down in our romantic interactions. It causes us to hesitate when we want to kiss or touch her. It makes us feel like we need to earn sex or deserve it. It makes us feel guilty about expressing our sexual desires. It causes us to repress our sexual urges and to experience them vicariously through pornography or strippers. It keeps us in our room, on the internet, in front of video games, instead of out sharing a warm and beautiful moment with a woman.
If you’re a man who has struggled in the past with the “friend zone,” who has had women lose interest in him after one or two dates, or who can’t ever seem to “take things anywhere,” it’s because you’re not making the interaction sexual enough and are therefore not expressing your sexuality freely or clearly. Chances are you are suffering from some degree of sexual shame and may not even realize it.
Where Sexual Shame Comes From
Like most of our sexual and emotional hang ups in dating, sexual shame is instilled in us throughout our lives, particularly our early lives. Sexual shame can be pushed upon us by our family, our community and by society at large. Negative experiences in adolescence with members of the opposite sex can also trigger a lot of sexual shame and self image issues as we enter adulthood.
Some examples of sources of sexual shame:
- As a child, Mom or dad punishing you for touching or acknowledging your genitals, telling you not to experience or explore your body.
- Religious upbringing where sex is demonized and taught as immoral or wrong.
- Boys who are raised with a radical feminist influence who are taught that expressing their sexual desires openly are offensive and disrespectful to women and that women should always be respected, no matter what.
- An emotionally absent or smothering mother reinforces into the boy’s subconscious that he’s done nothing to deserve love and affection from women, that he’s unworthy. This often transfers into a shame about expressing the desire for sex and affection.
- Television shows or cartoons where men are shamed for hitting on women or expressing their sexuality openly. This could be anything from Roger Rabbit drooling around Jessica Rabbit or Vince Vaughn being laughed at and shamed for pursuing a girl in a movie. These are small but can add up quite a bit over time.
- Consistent or brutal rejection from girls growing up, particularly in adolescence. Teasing and bullying. Can cause self-image issues which lead to sexual shame, or a feeling the one doesn’t deserve or needs to earn a woman’s affection.
- Etc.
The list goes on and on.
It should also be noted that women suffer from sexual shame just as much, if not more, than men do. If you’ve ever been with a woman who won’t have sex with the lights on, won’t kiss in public, won’t hold hands or be affectionate in front of her friends, who won’t do more than one sexual position, who feels guilty/angry/nervous directly before or after sex, who seems to repress her sexuality or behave asexually, or who is uncomfortable with the reality that she wants and enjoys sex, chances are she’s carrying around a lot of sexual shame.
Like most shame, sexual shame is usually not experienced consciously or at least it’s not recognized. Instead, it’s experienced through anxiety, avoidance, anger and guilt. When you’re on a date and are terrified to kiss your date even though she’s been giving you the big doe eyes for hours now, you’re not consciously thinking “Oh, I’m so ashamed of what I want to do, kissing her is bad and I don’t deserve it.” No, instead, it feels like there’s a brick in your stomach. You start rationalizing excuses about the “right moment” or whatever, and believe that you haven’t “earned” enough of a connection or enough affection from her to warrant kissing her yet.
These bizarre feelings seem logical to those who have them. I can’t tell you how many men I’ve talked to who were adamant that they didn’t know how to kiss a woman because they couldn’t spot the “right moment.” I always suggest to them that perhaps the “right moment” is not a moment, but actually something that’s always happening, you just have to take advantage of it. It’s not something you passively wait for, but something you actively create. Or that the belief that they need to have a “right moment” or that they need to know “how to kiss” a woman implies that they believe their sexual desire is not sufficient in and of itself — that despite having strong feelings for a woman, they still must find a way to “earn” getting physical with her.
This is sexual shame. A feeling of unworthiness. A belief that affection is something you pay for through effort and struggle. An assumption that mere mutual sexual desire in and of itself is not enough.
How to Get Rid of Sexual Shame
The way to rid yourself of shame is to expose it. You expose shame by expressing it and experiencing it. So if you’re ashamed of your body, the way you overcome that shame is by exposing your body — hence those fat people at the beach in thongs.
The way you overcome your sexual shame is by getting in touch with your sexuality and then expressing that sexuality to women. Simple, right? As with many of these things, it’s a matter of doing, not rationalizing or learning.
The best way to do this is through a process of progressive desensitization. You can start by expressing your sexuality in the confidence of close friends. If you’re always the quiet one when your buddies are talking about which women they want to sleep with, maybe it’s time to speak up. Tell your next date she’s beautiful and go to hold her hand. Start simple and slowly work your way up.
As time goes on, you will become more and more comfortable sharing your sexuality and expressing it openly. The anxiety will dissipate. The desire for “right moments” or “green lights” or “signals” or the feeling that you must “earn” sex or affection will disappear and you’ll feel foolish for spending so much time and effort looking for them.
Overcoming sexual shame is a cornerstone of my Sexual Confidence Program. I’ve created 18 interactive lessons to help you get in touch with your sexuality and begin expressing it. Learn more here.
Overcome hesitation and avoid the friend zone by taking action and expressing your sexuality smoothly and shamelessly.
The Sexual Confidence Program can help any man become more confident getting intimate with women.
Getting sexual isn’t something a man does, it’s a reflex of who he is. It’s being shame-less, because there is no “shame” in seduction.
Fitting that you use a picture from the movie Shame.
You don’t get friendzoned because you are not sexual. You get friendzoned, when girl has better options and wants to keep you around for favors or just in case. I was sexual with girls, kissing them and pushing to sex and got “let’s be friends, I am not ready for relationship, two weeks later have a boyfriend”.
Sounds like you came off as too desperate.
Not getting sexual is the #1 reason most guys get friend zoned.
Mark, I think that’s right. But doesn’t it start from the start? That is, I have to be a sexual possibility from the first meeting rather than getting sexual at some random point in the course of the relationship.
Yes, this is assuming you meet a girl who there’s a possibility with (i.e., she flirts with you, gives you her number, goes on a date with you, etc.) but it goes no where or just asks to be friends.
No, the #1 reason is that the woman finds the guy physically unattractive- just like it is when a girl gets friend zoned. You simply don’t want him/her.
:/
Which reason is no #1 might vary from person to person. If someone really doesn’t look well, then being unattractive might be reason #1. But if you look like most men do, then not getting sexual could be reason #1.
Gwalior
“Television shows or cartoons where men are shamed for hitting on women or expressing their sexuality openly. This could be anything from Roger Rabbit drooling around Jessica Rabbit or Vince Vaughn being laughed at and shamed for pursuing a girl in a movie. These are small but can add up quite a bit over time.”
This really resonated with me. Not so much the television shows bit but I live in a culture (Scottish) where most men are so pussified and won’t hit on girls and guys that do are labelled “sleazy” and “creepy”. And if a guy gets rejected its a HUGE deal and other dudes love to make fun of him. As you can imagine this doesn’t encourage a lot of hitting on women.
In fact, I remember my friend “J” used to go around and try and dance with EVERY pretty girl when we were 15-16 (and he ended up making out with more than a few) and I remember we were in a big group and one of the girls was like “j, you may pull a lot but you get rejected a TONNE!” and everyone laughed.
Looking back it was their thought process which was laughable. My friend was making out with multiple hot women every night and all the other guys were too scared to even try! And this girl was probably just jealous of all the action he was getting.
This is exactly what I hate about Britain (I think it’s fair to say that this attitude is true for the whole island). If you approach or escalate and get rejected, the attitude from your ‘mates’ isn’t “well, at least you had the balls to go and try” it’s “you’re a worthless piece of shit, totally low-status”. Growing up here can fuck with you real bad. It’s taken me so long to unwire from that stuff, still not fully rid of the shame or anxiety yet. Can you imagine the kind of headspace the average guy who doesn’t even know about PostMasculine etc. is in? Terrifying.
This is a good article but I have the opposite problem. I need to know how to hang out with an attractive woman without putting the moves on her, when all I want is to be friends. I start out the night with a firm conviction that nothing is going to happen, but my true intention loses out to the spur of the moment desire, my base instinct.
This may not sound like a much of a problem, but 1) it ruins friendships or potential friendships. And I need friends more than anything right now, not lovers. I feel like I can only love one woman, someone I dated in the past and am trying to get back. 2) Sex is extremely emotional for me and after sleeping with a girl I don’t love I’m left feeling profoundly depressed, whereas sex with a girl I love leaves me feeling warm and happy. I get too much of the former and not enough of the latter. Most importantly, 3) It makes me feel like a douchebag and a user in that I can’t control myself enough to not hurt another human being for a brief urge, something I KNOW I will regret later but do anyway. That’s the worst part. I feel like a monster and when I get confronted by the girl about why I did such a thing, I have no answer.
Anyway, that was a tangent. Sorry. But I could use some of that sexual shame. No that’s not right. I wish I could act in a way that keeps me in the friendzone when I want to stay in the friendzone. That’s more accurate.
Sir, You sound to me like you have lots of sexual shame. Like you have freighted it with a lot of emotional stuff from other parts of your life. If you are up front and honest about your intentions (and believe the girl understands) then why should you feel regret later? I have in the past assigned too much Meaning to sex, and it was my effed up relationship with my mother (now dead) that lurked beneath the radar of consciousness.
Nicholas – I disagree. I probably do have some issues going on, but I don’t think shame is one of them. I feel like I have very few sexual hangups.
It sounds like you and I are on opposite trajectories. I used to be someone who assigned very little meaning to sex, and I had a lot of it. But then I found a girl that I truly love, and I found out how incredibly moving and important sex can be. For the first time in my life I had mind-blowing, life altering orgasms. The afterglow was indescribable – like there was peace in the world and all I wanted to do is hold this girl. I used to be the guy who would dash away home after I have sex, but not anymore. I don’t want to cheapen it by spreading myself around. That depression I feel after sex now is because I know how good it can be with the right girl.
And I do make my intentions clear, that I just want to be friends, but sometimes a girl’s attractiveness gets to me, even if I know I don’t want to pursue anything further I find myself doing things and manipulating the situation to get alone time with someone I’ve told “let’s just be friends”. A lot of times alcohol plays a role. I think Jack has it right – I need better self control. It’s like an out of body experience where I see myself doing things and I wish I could reach out stop myself, but I can’t.
And here’s the nuclear revelation at the end – I was sexually abused as a little boy, although it didn’t feel like abuse. It was with a couple of females babysitters, two different teenage girls on two different occassions. It didn’t feel like abuse because even at that young age I was totally in love with girls, their bodies and I loved the opportunity to touch them. One happened in Thailand where I was born and the other happened after we moved to NYC. These weren’t isolated instances. It was an ongoing thing with both.
The Thai girl actually let me touch her and I loved it. I don’t know how old she was but she was old enough to have pubic hair. I was around 4. The Puerto Rican babysitter in NYC was around 14 when it started and she wouldn’t let me touch her at all. I think she was just curious about boys and she used me as her personal anatomy doll to see how things worked. I was always trying to get her to let me touch her and she never let me. It became an obsession for my little boy mind to see how far I could get with her, and the farthest was letting me watch her get undressed. This started when I was 6 and went on for a while, but when she got a boyfriend she stopped.
That was the extent of the contact. No intercourse of course since I was too young, and no oral contact. So I think that’s where my disfunction comes from. I was introduced to sexual touching at WAY too young an age and that drive to pursue it is strong, even when I know I shouldn’t.
So obviously some issues going on, but I don’t think shame is one of them. I wasn’t ashamed then and I’m not now.
You can act in that way Octavian, you just have to exercise more self-control.
I think there is both too much and too little sexual shame in America. We are awash in sexual imagery and the sexualization of most everything, but we fetishize actual sex. (By holding that something is “taboo” and then transgressing that taboo.)
I think there is “inappropriate” sex; that which recruits the genitals into service where a heart and sould are called for. But that has nothing to do with the first date or the fifteenth.
I would say that fixation Americans have on sex is a result of the shame. If you remove shame from the equation (as some other cultures do), you don’t have the same obsession and taboo around sex that we have.
Yeah, that’s right. I am typing faster than thinking, but there is a ton of stuff on my mind on that subject.
Alot of my sexual shame comes from the points that you mentioned this article. Others include a Christian upbringing(I condsider myself agnostic now), parents showing very little affection towards each other in front of me and my brother growing up(I think I’ve seen them kiss about twice, hardly ever hug and never hold hands). I can also remember never talking to my brother about girls or sex at all. Sex was like the main topic that was never spoken about in my house growing up. Even something as stupid as my parents changing the channel when there would be a passionate kiss/makeout scene in a movie we where watching. Like you wrote Mark, these are all tiny things but they certainly do add up. Ever so slowy the shame builds subconscious’y. But probably the biggest incident that screwed me up was when I was 12 and they found porn(that I had searched for) on the family computer. That night my mom came into my room crying and asked me if was responsible for it which I shamefully denied. Then she goes on to tell me how sex happens between people who love each other and that her and my father are the only sex parnters that each other has had. This was really tramatic for me especially at that 12 years old. It has caused me so much sexual shame that I am still trying to overcome it even at 26. My logical thoughts on sex have vastly changed over the past few years to a more healthy view of sex. But I think that my shame still dominates my emotions and these are probably the main reason why I fear creeping women out for just talking to them and have always feared showing any kind interest in them. Even the girls/women that have showed interest in me in the past where just met by me being cold to them even though I secretly liked them too. Thank you for the insights. I badly want to put my sexual shame behind me and the method you have prescribed seems like a great tool. The hardest part for me seems to be that first step in taking action though. Love the new site and the new atricles/posts are great.
I actually came from a fairly similar place. Parents didn’t show much affection towards each other. Even though they love each other, there’s barely any physical affection. Got told off harshly for watching porn around the age of 12. Felt shame around my sexuality for many years.
I completely agree with Mark in that the way to overcome the shame is by sharing and opening up. This might be the scariest thing you ever do, but if a girl likes you, in stead of closing off, tell her your story. You don’t have to tell everything the first time, but if you could say to her that you like her, but that you usually push girls away becuase of your past… You may prevent actually pushing her away and you open the door to sharing more of your story, which will help a great deal in the healing process.
If you have close friends (whether male or female), tell them about it. Say that it’s important to you and that you need to talk. They will listen if they are good friends. They will support you.
If that’s all still too scary, do it with a therapist. They’re paid to listen, and they can’t tell other people. The Sexual Confidence program is probably a good option too, since it’s much cheaper than therapy and it’s designed to help you with your sexual shame, and you can share your whole story and all your hang-ups anonymously, while reading other guys’ stories as well. I know it seems intimidating now, but I promise you that the more you deal with this, the happier you will be.
I also had similar experiences growing up. Parents were never affectionate or romantic with each other. Also got caught watching porn around 13 or 14, denied it even though it was clear I had.
Interesting to see we had such similar experiences. There were other things too, but I think the porn thing was a big deal.
I’d be interested to know of any TV/Film examples where there is no sexual shame/desperation from the male characters. Californication springs to mind, but thats all I can really think of…
Perhaps all 007 with Sean Connery
Californication is one of the worst shows for men in my opinion. I think the show is full of sexual shame from male characters, but it’s even worse because it’s disguised as the opposite.
One of the key hallmarks of shame is that a person views themselves as either superhuman or less than human with little middle ground. That’s why even though narcissists and codependents both seem to be opposites, they are actually both shame-driven and are just coping with the shame differently. It’s also why a narcissist can suddenly behave like a codependent and vice versa. Ever know a guy who was a doormat with no game or a girl who was a fattie who improved their sexual market value and suddenly became a raging asshole or bitch? Or someone who was stuck up and fell from grace and suddenly become a abject loser? Again, it’s because both are shame-based.
Shame-based people not only view themselves as either superhuman or less than human, they apply that same view to how they see others. Other people are either all good or all perfect, someone to idealize and worship or someone to shit on and judge. If you look at Californication, it is filled to the brim with shame. The main character is incredibly superhuman and narcissistic. He’s the stereotypical mythical super alpha so many guys online aspire to be. His best friend is incredibly subhuman and sniveling. He’s the stereotypical mythical super beta so many guys are afraid to be. He gets all the shit dumped on him so that the audience and the main character can project their shame issues onto him and feel instantly superior. The women are all either Madonnas or Whores. Very little middle ground. If the woman is a Madonna, like Hank’s baby mama, you will never see her tits and the sex scenes are discrete. If she’s a whore, like 99% of the other women on the show, you will see her tits like crazy, and she will always be on top doing all the work while Hank just lays back doing nothing, because she is after all a whore so she should have all the psychological burden of being dirty. It’s obsessed with sex, but in the way that shame-based people fetishize it.
Also, while much of Hank’s personality is narcissistic, he’s also very subtly codependent as well. Note what a constant white knight he is to women, no matter how depraved or selfish their behavior is. He is always responsible for their feelings, protecting them even when they don’t deserve it, etc. How he portrays Mia as a victim and wants to “save” her from herself when she’s an obvious sociopath. The multiple times he’s gotten into fistfights to protect prostitutes, including one who had him beat up. The excuses he made for a married groupie who was cuckolding her husband with celebrities.
I could go on and on, but you get the point. It’s an awful, awful show when it comes to shame. It has some of the most sexual shame out there.
I’d love to hear you drop a break down of Mcnulty from The Wire if you haven’t already Ricky.
The movie “The Departed” (2006) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0407887/ has a villain (Matt Damon as Colin Sullivan, a somewhat sympathetic villain actually) that has no “shame/desperation”. In fact he rather acts like a pickup artist
A good movie by the way.
[...] – Sexual Shame, Shut Up And Kiss [...]
You probably didn’t mean it this way, but the way you phrased your thoughts about boys who are brought up in “radical feminist” households was a little disconcerting. While I understand that growing up in a house where, say, porn is frowned upon could result in a whole lot of sexual shame, I don’t think growing up in a house where you are taught “that women should always be respected, no matter what” is exactly the same. Women SHOULD always be respected, ESPECIALLY during sexual encounters. Obviously, this does not mean that showing interest in a woman is disrespectful to her, though I know first hand that there are people who espouse that idea, and I’m sure this was what you meant.
On that note, I would absolutely argue that women feel far more sexual shame than men do. Although I will give you that Vince Vaughn gets made fun of in some of his movies, is he not basically a hero in Wedding Crashers? There are endless examples of male characters who are made to be cool through their sexual attitudes/success with women. Take Barney Stinson from HIMYM, or Joey from Friends, or Damon from the Vampire Diaries, or Jason from True Blood. The list goes on. And for the record, I LOVE these characters. I think sex positivity is fantastic. My only complaint is that there are almost no female counterparts. Maybe Samantha from Sex and the City, but that’s literally the only one I can think of, and she gets demonized a fair amount. There were more than a few episodes that centered on the other girls’ discomfort with her sexual freedom.
Practically every female friend I’ve ever known has had a problem with sex, and they were severe. More than a few of them had so much sexual shame they literally could not enjoy the act of sex itself. I’ve had a large number of close male friends, as well, and none of them have shared this same level of sexual shame. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist; maybe they just didn’t tell me about it. But I have a feeling that if they had it on the level my female friends have had, I would have heard about it. If a guy can’t have an orgasm because of his shame, it’s like the end of the world. If a girl can’t have one because of hers, it’s a Tuesday.
So I appreciate this article. But I think you targeted an audience that needs it a little less.
Keep in mind, too, that not getting sexual with women and being out in the friend zone could mean that you’re a homosexual in denial. That’s also common when being brought up in a religious zealot household (remember, you got your gayness from someone in your family, so you are not the only gay in the family). Many people can’t deal with being gay and overcompensate by becoming über religious.
Anyway, I’m not trying to disparage gays or gays-in-denial, as I am the former and was the latter.
This blot is so fascinating especially since most blots are about the feminine mind which is nice as a woman to read and empathize but to know the mind of a man is even that much more interesting. I do have some thoughts.
When I was in China last year (I ended up bust humming around) I made some European male friends who shocked me with their reverence to the beauty of sexuality. When I told them how in the south west (the Bible belt) how woman are supposed to be sect but not sexual how many men callcwomen slugs and shores for being sexual and then the men turn around and masturbate to a lorn video my friends were so confused. They told me sex was the most beautiful thing ever etc etc. I was mind blown. I had never heard men my age say such things about sexuality. My parents raised me to revere sexuality as well though only btw a marked couple so that wasn’t too new. But hearing it from my own peer group was refreshing.
I think the problem with the America in terms of sexuality is that it’s not treated as this beautiful emotional experience. Its a selfish culture really. I don’t think its the shame either because so many men here are proud that they “banged that how’s. Its probably multiple reasons. One I think women have lost a sense if classiness and use sexuality to cure their emotional issues and thus behave in a manner that speaks little respect. Men may respond with a distaste for this so uses sexuality to fulfilled their needs but they hate themselves maybe and even the women. Or its just so many multi-faceted reasons that its like chicken or the egg in five dimensions. Either way I think if men and women didn’t treat sex as a hand shake but an emotional humanly bond then more people will atleast respect their natural desires and treat their peers with the same respect.
And I also have issues with pornography strip clubs etc not because Irs sexual but because it has skewed the real beauty sexuality is. If you ever go down Bourbon st. In new Orleans its like a sexual zoo. The most beautiful and lively act on earth is sec but it can also be the dirtiest and disgusting act. Men should not be ashamed of their sexuality women shouldn’t either but there’s no reason to over compensate that by treating such beauty as a walk in the park. Why would you show case michaelangelos David in a dirty grundgy room where people pollute it? Same thing with sexuality….
Oh I’m on my kindle. I apologize for some typos. Auto correct…..
[...] disassociates a part of yourself. It creates creates shame because it denies an aspect of your identity. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t care [...]
the ultimate and most effective way to get over sexual shame is to go to a NUDE BEACH and get NAKED…..there you are confronted with real, naked, imperfect, sexual human bodies…..you won’t know where to look, you won’t know how to to act…I am sure you have had a dream of the deadly embarassment of turning up somewhere and everyone laughing at you…..at a nude beach you confront this fear HEAD ON….there is nowhere to hide….it is the most liberating thing for the psyche…you see people as people, it will change and eliminate MUCH sexual shame
[...] can ruin your sex life, why much of evolutionary psychology is bullshit, how to deal with your sexual shame, and how our perceptual biases affect who we’re attracted to. The conclusion, of course, was [...]
regarding.”doing” for getting over shame. I normally DO everything in bed and express my desires to her. still I feel wrong at times and cant really enjoy it, it feels like.acting. how can overcome the shame I alrealrdy take action but it s the feeling holding me back?
What if a person’s sexual desires should be something one’s should be ashamed of?
I mean, look at Jerry Sandusky!!! He still claims his innocents, but he was convicted of molesting boys. Suppose that you have an older uncle who finds young boys attractive. Would you shame him, or would you encourage him?
Suppose that a middle age man finds his daughter’s friends attractive. Would you shame him or encourage him make a move on them?
You shame the behavior, not the person. Finding those things attractive is not healthy and likely represents some deeper psychological problems. I would encourage them to confront those desires and work through them to resolve them.
So no, I would not shame them for those feelings. I would absolutely shame (and punish) them for acting on them though.