Sexual MaturityOne commenter asked if I would describe my own process and how my views towards sex have evolved as I’ve become better with women. Decided I would oblige.

1. Sex, the Exhalted – Before I got into this stuff, I generally felt the same way about sex that probably most men who never get laid do: namely, that it’s a huge deal, and something that you earn from women through respect and trust. Not rare, but not exactly common either. Accompanied with this perception of sex, I also had a strange belief that women wouldn’t sleep with a guy who wasn’t their boyfriend. Don’t ask me where the hell I got this notion, but it actually sabotaged a number of my early lays as I was terrified hooking up with a girl would lead to weeks and months of endless phone calls.

2. Kid in a Candy Store – As I got good enough to actually sleep with some women, it took on a different flavor. On the one hand, I was getting laid regularly, but on the other, it was this completely new and exciting lifestyle. “Holy shit, I banged TWO girls this week!” Or “OMG, I actually have a girl who just wants me to nail her and nothing else.” Ahh, these were the good old days. Things were simple and I was a bit oblivious to the nuance and idiosyncrasies of casual sexual relationships, not to mention extremely emotionally closed off and unaware.

3. A Fucking Assassin – The candy store phase faded after about 10-15 women and this phase set in: the mindset of a singularly-minded killer. I was out for one reason, and one reason only, and if a girl expects something from me, ANYTHING from me, before spreading her legs, how dare she? If I’ve ever been misogynistic in my life, this would probably be the 6-12 month period. Looking back, I had a lot of anger issues towards women that I think I was trying to take out by fucking everything that moved. Coincidentally, this was also the period that I became highly regarded as a Pick Up Artist and started coaching. After meeting a number of coaches in the scene, I can say that a number of them are cemented in this phase for one reason or another. It’s not a bad place to be: you get laid constantly, have a ton of fun, and party like a rockstar. But ultimately, it’s not fulfilling in the long-term. If you look at the posts REALLY early on in this blog or from some forums, you can see this phase. I read some of my old posts from this period and am amazed… it’s like reading a different person. I was borderline obsessive, a bit bitter and probably not 100% healthy.

4. Burn out and disinterest – After about a year, things got old. Banging a few dozen girls didn’t make me any less pissed off or any less lonely. The novelty of coaching wore off and it actually became… you know, a job. I had threesomes, models, sugar mamas… and at the end of the day, everything was still the same as it was before… the whole pick up artist things is what you make it: either you beat your pathologies or your pathologies beat you — either way, PUA will let you do it. I was at a crossroads. Do I continue down the path of degeneracy and soulless vaginal destruction? Or do I try to develop myself as a person? The “sex” monkey was off my back and I was no better a person for it. So what do I do now?

5. Emotional Euphoria and Illusions – My answer was to seek some help, get myself together and actually… *gulp* commit to some of these women. What it ended in was some sort of emotional blossoming. My relationships suddenly became more vibrant, deeper and more personal. Suddenly I’m falling in love with women everywhere and them with me. I thought I had found the great Atlantis of pick up. Everything was to change.

Unfortunately, I found this to be little different than the “Assassin” phase. Instead of a sexual assassin, I had just become an emotional one. Instead of filling my voids with sexual conquests, I tried to do it by women loving me like they had never loved anybody. And in the end… this didn’t change anything. Yes, emotional relationships are important, just as sexual relationships are, and yes, I’m grateful for being able to become adept at them, but once again, on the road to long-term personal happiness and fulfillment, this was another vehicle, not the destination.

6. Equilibrium and Indifference – Fast forward to now. I very much feel in a different place than I’ve ever been before and feel like I’m transitioning to something else. But what I’ve come to realize that last few months is that none of these realizations have been answers, but rather further and deeper questions.

Originally, I exalted women and put them on a pedestal. So with the pick up artist community, I used sexual conquest to knock them down. But then sexual conquest was on a pedestal. I then used emotional intimacy and same night love to knock that down and replace it. But as all of those relationships either came to a close or proved to be fairy tales, that proved to be a false idol as well.

All of these things are partial truths, none the whole.

So what’s left? I don’t know. I’m in a very strange place. But I know two things for certain right now:

1) I feel quite apathetic towards women and dating in general. Sex or meeting women sounds to me like just another activity like seeing a movie or going ice skating — sure, it’s fun and I’m down if it’s convenient, but I see no reason to go out of my way for it right now. Although this seems weird to me right now considering a consistent 4-5 years of obsession (and let’s be real, the pick up artist thing IS an obsession), logic tells me that this is a healthy place to be.

2) I genuinely have a lot more interest and passion in other ventures right now. This sounds lame, but I’d rather work on my business ventures right now than go out and meet more women. I’m more passionate and fulfilled by pursuing those goals. I’m also finding a reborn desire to dedicate myself to music coming back. So, honestly, those two things sound infinitely more appealing over the next 3-6 months than going out four nights a week and nailing a ton of chicks.

And that’s cool… I guess my passion all along was personal growth, and for the time being that’s moved on to other fronts.

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9 Responses to Sexual Maturity

  1. Phil says:

    Awesome post!!!

    The way I see it is that we all go through different waves in our lives. While you might focus on other things right now (and I did the same about half a year ago), the next wave of desire and curiosity for women will come sooner or later…

  2. Paul says:

    Hey Mark,

    Loved the post, kinda feel like I went through the same cycle just at a more rapid pace. Found the community after some great hurt, started trying to bang women without emotion, enjoyed the many conquests, the enjoyment faded, started looking to date someone and really connect, i did, then that got boring/tiresome.

    I just feel now that that part of my life (having more choice with my sexual/relationship options) has been mostly figured out and now it’s time to focus on something that will give me the same amount of reward for my time. For me that’s going to be more financial security and becoming self-employed. Hopefully you and I can carry over the lessons of committing myself and self-examination to other parts of our lives.

  3. Entropy says:

    Yeah, I think everybody goes through this process to some degree. Some people much more quickly than others. Some much deeper than others.

    For some guys, getting that one or two lays under their belt and a girlfriend is all they need.

    Others need to bang literally hundreds of women before they’re satiated.

    I think I went a bit more extreme than most… but that’s fairly typical of me…

  4. Prague David says:

    Hi Entropy I really appreciate your honesty and candour. If it means anything to you, I stopped reading all the ‘PUA’ stuff as you recommended but I am still here on your blog. I was thinking about one topic this evening: that *I* don’t have anger issues towards women.

    You said:
    <>

    Is this common among men in the community?

    As you might guess, I am really fond of women, and instead feel less comfortable around men.

    Have you written about this before? I’ve noticed a few guys I met on bootcamps had anger issues towards women – where did this arise?

    For me, the remaining issue is being more sexual – escalation. Apart from this, women feel comfortable around me, and enjoy my company – always have.

  5. Entropy says:

    I’d say it’s not common, but it’s not uncommon either… Maybe 1/5 guys… 1/8 perhaps. We’ve all got our shit.

    Shrug.

  6. Brett says:

    I have an interesting reply to this post. It relates to buddhism, addiction, and my dad . . . lol (that sounds weird if you don’t know me)

  7. Rudolf says:

    True happyness comes from within. You have to love yourself. It’s always about personal growth and getting chicks is a big part of it. In your case you’ve climbed up the chick seduction skill ladder very fast compared to most guys who (unlike me as well) don’t develop in stages but focus a bit on everything at the same time and this is why you are experiencing these evolvements so consciously and subsequently as you focus on one thing at a time. Still, sex and intimacy is one of the more primary needs of the human being and as long as you don’t fulfill your primary desires you can’t really focus on the secondary ones. Count yourself lucky to be this far! Just check the Maslov pyramid..

  8. Rudolf says:

    Prague David:

    For some people who feel they can’t get something they will emotionally respond with resentment and hate. I have this issue though not with women, hopefully that won’t come. Who doesn’t hate anything that causes pain? Yet we still crave for certain things and we need some emotional ‘protection’ to be able to get back into the fight. I also like to put things into a black and white contrast because that removes the overall blur. It’s then either hate or love, anything in between is confusing and scary. It’s easier to get hurt if you love than when you hate if loving is the more difficult and confusing thing to do. You want to take it easy with something that is fragile, hence the more hostile approach. It doesn’t matter, it’s just a temporary defense mechanism that everybody aims to replace with love. *Group hug*

  9. ColdInSweden says:

    I think that Mark’s current state of mind might actually be a healthy one, that just seems odd because few men ever achieve this state. Of course, outside of the PU community men don’t obsess over PU, but the average guy DOES put women/sex on a pedestal. Mark makes it clear that he is not unhappy, and I’m sure he still enjoys sex and intimacy with women regularly. He just doesn’t obsess about it anymore.

    If you compare a guy entering the PUA scene to a guy who is unhappy with his weight and health and starts exercising and dieting. What would you tell a guy who reads articles and message boards about the perfect diet and perfect workout routine for hours every day, who spends 1-2 hours in the gym almost every day, who looks at himself in the mirror countless of times a day, and who talks about nothing but diet and exercise? You’d tell him to stop fucking obsessing and enjoy life!

    The fitness guy might eventually find a happier place in his life, where his health and fitness is taken care of with a simple and efficient diet and exercise routine that leaves him plenty of time to enjoy life. Ironically, I think that for the rest of us to get to the place where our dating and sex life is effortless and seemingly unimportant, we need to put a hell of a lot of effort into this area of our lives.

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