A couple years ago, I stumbled across some research and articles about the pornography and the negative effects it could be having on men and their sex lives. I found it interesting, but never gave it too much thought after that. Then some time last year I stumbled across this video:
According to the science, porn trains our brains to release more endorphins than is natural in response to an overload of sexual stimuli. After a while, our brains become desensitized and develop a need for higher and higher stimuli in order to reach the same arousal and excitement. Thus begins the spiral into more hardcore porn and higher quantities of it. In some cases, men can develop a psychological addiction to pornography and it can begin to interfere with their sex and social lives. In rare cases it can be debilitating in both.
Chances are you’re not a porn addict, but if you’re a man under the age of 35, I imagine that the abundant access to porn has affected you more than you think. Think back to the first time you watched porn. The mere image of a beautiful naked woman was probably enough for you. But sadly, for many of us, over the years we devolve into darker and more twisted porn habits.
The result is that not only does it limit your ability to become aroused at all, but also can limit your dopamine receptors in general, causing you to become more anxious, less social, and possibly even depressed. Not to mention it completely skews your perception of what beauty is and gives you unreasonable standards for sex with the women you meet. If you’ve ever gotten an otherwise beautiful girl naked in your bed and been unable to ignore the tiny blemishes or asymmetries to the point where you have trouble getting turned on, then you know what I mean.
And worst of all, the younger you were when you began watching porn, the worse the effects generally are.
In my book on attracting women, I shared something I referred to as the “masturbation diet” in my chapter about motivation. It involved eliminating porn and limiting masturbation to 1-2 times per week. The goal of the “diet” was to revitalize and motivate guys who had trouble being motivated enough to pursue women in the face of their anxiety. I had done it on and off in the past whenever I needed a kick in the ass and it worked for me. Often within a week or two. But I had never considered keeping it or making it a permanent habit in my life.
Late last year, the “no more porn” stuff really caught fire on the forum here, and a number of guys (myself included), hopped on the bandwagon in this thread and agreed to not look at porn for 60 days. We all kept logs on the thread and it turned out to be a raging success. Most of us made it through the 60 days unscathed and true believers. Porn had been negatively affecting our sex lives.
For some it was a major shift and very difficult. For others, the changes were minor and simple. For everyone, the consensus seems to be we’re glad we did it. You can read the experiences of others on the thread. Personally, I have been watching porn since I was 13, and had been watching it almost daily for 8-10 years when I began this challenge.
- I had somewhat intense cravings to watch porn in the first few weeks. The cravings would come and go, often along with my sex drive. Some mood swings. And a few nights where I dreamt about pornography — no, not dreams about having sex, dreams about pornography. Yeah, fucked up.
- When I did masturbate, I made a point to only fantasize about girls I knew or had met. Other times I did not fantasize at all. I absolutely did NOT fantasize about porn I had seen.
- My sex drive was very erratic the first few weeks. Some days I would be unbearably horny and then I would be completely disinterested in sex for a few days after that. I didn’t limit my masturbation (some guys chose to do this), so this usually meant that I’d go 4-5 days without masturbating, and then go nuts and do it 3-4 times in the span of 24 hours. Sometimes it felt like I was 16-years-old all over again.
- At around three or four weeks, my sex drive was high and remained that way. My aggression with girls increased, as well as my confidence being sexual around them. I felt little shame or hesitation pushing things further with them, whereas I may have been in the past.
- I began to find normal, every day girls to be more beautiful. Minor flaws and blemishes that used to bug me were now endearing and sometimes even sexy. I also noticed that my tastes changed a bit. I began to find the fake-titted, fake blonde, fake tan, tiny skirted, club-type girls less attractive and naturally beautiful girls to be more appealing to me. I started noticing things like skin, lips, eyes and hair more. And although I still love a nice pair of tits and ass, they’re no longer my sole criteria.
- After one month, it was clear I was having better sex. I was performing better and enjoying it more and wanting it more often.
- In the second month, I had no temptation and the benefits continued to increase.
It appears my addiction and “reboot” were milder than that of many guys. You can read more about porn withdrawal symptoms here and read about the benefits many men experience after giving up porn for 60 days here.
Relapse and Experimentation
I jokingly call it a “relapse,” but in early-February I was pulling 14-hour work days and not getting out much, so I hit up the good old YouPorn to blow off some… err, steam. Yeah, that’s it, blow off steam.
On my first return to porn post-reboot, a few things had changed:
- Porn I used to enjoy now felt excessive, dehumanizing and honestly, not very attractive. There were a few videos I saw where I couldn’t believe I used to watch stuff like that.
- I appreciated and was far more turned on by the beauty of each girl and less by them getting fucked or gagging by a giant cock or what have you. The actual sex itself seemed far less exciting than just having a ridiculously hot naked girl on my screen.
- I couldn’t help but notice how unhappy and inauthentic the girls in the videos often were. Not to say I haven’t noticed some of the actresses obviously faking their way through a scene in the past, but this was deeper. Like you could tell they just weren’t very happy people and didn’t have much self-respect. I know this both a) sounds weird to be thinking about while getting your fap on, and b) should not surprise anybody. But it actually became so apparent that it was hard for me to stay turned on in some cases.
I watched porn a couple times over the span of maybe three weeks with the above reactions. I noticed no change in my aggression, my sex drive or my comfort around women. A few weeks later, I began dating a girl here in Brazil pretty regularly and for the first time in about a year, I had a regular sexual partner who I saw frequently.
I decided to use the opportunity to test something out: I wanted to see how much porn was too much. I had watched it on a couple isolated occasions and nothing changed. But how much did I have to watch before it began to affect my sex life? My new Brasileira girlfriend offered a perfect control variable. Since I was having sex with her every few days, I could see and feel any changes in my sexual interest or ability to perform with her as soon as they happened.
It took about a week. I maybe masturbated to porn 4-5 times that week. But by the last time, I was back to my old habits of watching hardcore porn and watching 10-15 videos per session, usually skipping straight to the money shots. The second time my girlfriend came over after beginning my escapade, there was a noticeable drop in both my desire and my performance, to the point where I apologized to her for not being able to live up to my standards (no pun intended). The next week, I quit the pornography, and within a week, the old desire and performance came back and is still going strong.
So what does this mean? Is porn the devil? Should you never watch it? Is it ruining your sex life as we speak?
I can only answer for myself. For me, yes, porn had a noticeable impact on my sex life and I’m much better off not watching it. And I know there are a number of guys on the forum who had far more dramatic benefits than I did. I will never go back to watching it regularly. I imagine I will watch it occasionally, most likely when I’m drunk and get home after a night of striking out. But it’s clear that if I watch it on any consistent basis for more than a few days, it negatively affects my sex life. I honestly wish I had stopped watching it years ago, as it would have saved me a lot of struggle for motivation and embarrassment in the bedroom.
I recommend you experiment with quitting altogether as well. Our “No More Porn” thread on on the forum is on-going and everybody is invited to participate. We have some guys in the midst of their 60 day challenges right now who are posting about their progress. I invite you to join in and follow along. If anything, it’s worth the exercise in discipline. At the worst, you go without fap material for two months. At the best, you gain a newfound sexual confidence around women, and increase your performance in bed. Sounds worth it to me.
Also, if you believe you have a severe porn addiction — you watch porn for up to an hour per session, you have trouble getting an erection without porn, or you watch porn which does not match your sexual orientation — then I highly recommend you do a full reboot and read www.yourbrainonporn.com.
Get your dating life handled. Become an attractive man once and for all, without faking it or pretending to be someone you’re not.
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I think there is a bigger underlying issue. Why is porn so popular? There is a reason, and I am conivnced that the reason is that we human beings -both men and women – are becoming less and less physically attractive. Men watch porn because they are not attractive enough to get the women they desire, but in reality, if you think about it, there are actually very few really desireable women today as well. There are a lot of women that seem attractive, but get them in the bedroom without makeup, and you often see blemishes or flaws. This is so common that ii is commonly assumed that this is normal. Actually, I am convinced it is a result of our agrarion/industrial lifestyle. In the wild, blemishes meant cells that didn’t function optimally, and cells that didn’t function optimally meant death. Now blemished can just be covered up with makeup, and then we want to have sex with the woman, thinking she is beautiful, and then we produce babies with even more blemishes. We shouldn’t be so hard on ourselves for wanting to watch porn; we should be hard on ourselves for not wanting to make ourselves truly attractive again.
I agree with only the last sentence. You say porn is so popular because we’re becoming less attractive. Did you ever think that we’re becoming less attractive because of porn? Because after watching it we lose all motivation in ourselves and in others to the point we start neglecting ourselves? To settle for pixels on a screen, rather than improve our own lives and strive for the real thing or perhaps an actual relationship?
“There are a lot of women that seem attractive, but get them in the bedroom without makeup, and you often see blemishes or flaws.”
Actual human beings have flaws. Actors in porn don’t. They’re not supposed to, because it’s designed to be perfect. When you stop watching porn, women in real life become more attractive. Also in my newly found opinion porn is a drug. I’m currently going for 60 days without it. Then aside from occasionally, never getting into it again. I think I was 2-3 weeks in without it then watched it one day. I felt like I was high that day and the day after, then felt myself returning to normal. I watched it for 5 minutes. Without it, regular orgasms don’t feel near as euphoric. It’s addicting to me, which is why I have no reason to watch it. It also causes a shitload of anxiety in some people (myself included) if watched frequently because the perception of reality and women just changes around you.
Actual human beings have flaws, but actual human beings also have the desire to have sex with those without flaws. It is natural. We also know from recent genetic studies that our genes are becoming worse, such that we have more disease and area actually stupider than we used to be (you can do a google search for i)
I’m not defending pornography. I’m just saying that pornography is not the root cause. Going on a porn diet and then getting horny enough to fuck an ugly girl is better than just watching porn all day, but like you say the main point is that we shouldn’t use porn as an excuse for not continuing to improve ourselves. Porn is not the enemy; we are our own worst enemies.
I think I understand, nicely put.
Should a no-porn diet include highly sexual scenes in mainstream movies? I think it would be important to mind the distinction or otherwise.
Well, after reading the comments I think it’s clear that, for this “strike”, porn includes any substitute for real approachable women. Fair enough, let’s give it a go.
[...] after all, they only had their shirts off and weren’t practically raping me like the girls in the porn videos always [...]
I have been on porn diets before for up to 60 days, and they have helped me. I believe that porn had adversely affected my sex drive, and contributed to the demise of my marriage of 20 years. The bottom line to me is that porn can be an escape from real relationships with real women, which are far more enriching and rewarding than porn.
well…I’m 35 and have consumed massive amounts of porn since I’d been getting erections from around 6th grade (maybe?). I can still remember the first swimsuit catalog I ripped off from the local book store. Anyway, last year from about January to June I just didn’t watch any porn or anything. I just kinda lost interest. I was never into anything really weird–just really kinky and sometimes degrading stuff, but nothing illegal. I went 6 months w/o consuming any porn, and I think masturbated about 3 times in that stretch. I was really busy finishing school, so it didn’t really occur to me as a sacrifice or something I was trying to do. It just sort of happened. Now I still don’t view very often–I’ll jump online maybe once a month, and otherwise get off to a fantasy while in the shower.
I’ve noticed 3 strange things that have never happened before since curtailing my porn consumption. #1) Lower sex drive. Way less desire to get it on w/ my girl. No problem doing it, but waiting for it to be over sometimes, and often not orgasming. It’s kind of tough on her since she thinks there’s something wrong with what she’s doing. Ugh. #2) Weird sex dreams about other women including ex’s, girls I wish I’d slept with, and completely fabricated girls in the dream. These are really weird, and the frequency of having them is high. I’ve had a couple stretches of 5 or more nights in a row of sex dreams with women other than my girlfriend. What’s weird is that in years past when I would dream about girl sexually, I wouldn’t be having sex with them. (And I’ve never once had a wet dream.) These days I’m fucking their brains out or gagging them and have rad sex with them in my dreams. It makes me wonder if porn boosted my drive for my girl. #3) Not sure if this is at all related, but I experience complete despair regularly these days. Not sexually, just in general. I feel completely worthless and have constant thoughts of dying or wishing I were.
When I got into porn, it was out of curiosity. I wanted to learn how to please a woman, and then fall in love with someone whom I could carry out sexual fantasies. When I would watch degrading porn, it was always just for the folly of it–I knew I would never even want to treat a woman like that. But I do wonder if not watching as much porn is killing my desire to be intimate. I’ve got a really cute girlfriend who loves having sex and loves to please me. I just don’t seem as interested as I used to be.