Phone Numbers

Below is an excerpt of my new book Models: Attract women through Honesty. This is a section entitled “Phone Numbers” from Chapter 14: The Dating Process. If you enjoy this, please consider purchasing the book here.

There’s a minor obsession in dating advice and pick up theory about phone numbers, correspondence and so-called “text game” or “flake prevention.”

Flaking is a term used to describe a woman who gives you her phone number, says she wants to see you again and then either never responds or returns your call, or never shows up on a date. Flakes can simply be women who never respond to you, or women who respond but keep side-stepping meeting up with you.

Obsessing about flakes and how to win them over is an easy trap to fall into. But in my opinion, this is treating the symptom, not the illness.

The way to prevent flakes is to meet and attract a woman enough so that she’ll never want to flake on you.

Problem solved.

In my experience, 99% of the so-called flake prevention strategies guys implement — calling at certain times, baiting with open-ended texts, pretending to send a text to the “wrong person,” — these will rarely convince a girl who was never attracted to you to suddenly become attracted to you. And even if by some chance they do convince her to meet up with you, you’re now on a date with a woman who has no genuine interest being there with you and is probably hoping to cash in on a free dinner.

Similarly, men spend way too much time obsessing over unimportant details like how many times to text each day, how soon to call her, when to ask her out, etc. Setting rigid rules such as “Wait three days to ask her out” or “Never text her twice in a row,” greatly limits you and will hinder the unique connection you spent your time developing with the woman. And by the way, it’s that connection that’s going to get her out to see you again, not the clever text you spent 45 minutes coming up with.

But with that said, here are my version of “The Rules” to calling and texting women:

1. Only ask a woman for her phone number if she seems genuinely attracted and interested in you. Only ask for her number if you can see yourself wanting to hang out with her again or having time to hang out with her again. If you meet a girl who is in town for a bachellorette party for three days, is drunk, and you have a serious meeting at work in two days, don’t bother. If you’re concerned that you don’t know how to tell if she’s attracted to you or not, there’s a section later in this chapter that covers signals women give you.

2. When you ask her for her phone number, don’t come up with a fancy line or make up a reason. Just ask her for it. If you’re attracted to her, you shouldn’t be afraid to hide it (you’re a non-needy, dominant man, remember?). If she’s attracted to you, she’ll be more than excited to give it to you. Most women will always give you their number when you ask. Even if they don’t like you or have no intention of ever seeing you again, they’ll give it to you. It’s simply far easier for them to ignore calls from guys they don’t like than to reject every guy to their face.

3. Flakes happen to everybody. Get used to it. There are simply too many things going on in most attractive women’s lives to figure out why each one flakes. It could be because her ex-boyfriend started calling her again. It could be because she met her soulmate the day after she met you. It could be because she got in a freak accident and is in the hospital. It could be because she got sick and was bed-ridden. Sometimes women just don’t feel like dating for a while. Sometimes they don’t remember you well because they were drunk when they met you. Sometimes they lose their phone. Sometimes they just change their mind the next day. And sometimes they just don’t care enough.

There are a million legitimate reasons women can flake other than then not being attracted to you. Trying to figure out which ones are flaking for legitimate reasons and which ones are not is more or less an impossible task. You’re better off just letting it go and moving on. In the end, it comes down to the fact that if she likes you enough, she’ll find a way to make it happen. If she’s not finding a way to make it happen, then she probably doesn’t like you as much as you thought she did.

Think of it this way. If Brad Pitt texted her asking her out, do you think she could suddenly clear her busy work schedule and move her weekend plans back? I think so. If she’s not doing that for you, then she’s just not that interested. Sorry Charlie.

4. My policy with flakes is “Three strikes you’re out.” If a woman flakes once, I’ll try her a second time. If she doesn’t respond the second time, I may or may not give it a third shot, but typically if I do, I don’t put much effort into the third attempt. Often I will only try a woman once or twice. If there’s still nothing after the third attempt, I move on.

A lot of women will give you excuses why they can’t meet up, cancel dates, push dates back, or simply stop responding. Sometimes they have legitimate reasons. Sometimes they’re making excuses. This is why at the first reason they give, I always give them the benefit of the doubt and try again. The second time, if I’m particularly interested in them and/or I think they genuinely have had two legitimate excuses, I will try them one more time. Often I will even tell them, “OK, last chance though.” After the third try, I just let them go. It’s not worth the time or effort at that point.

5. I always text within 24 hours of getting her number. I send a simple text: “Hey Sara, it was nice meeting you.” That’s it. Most girls who are interested in you will respond somewhat quickly. The ones who do not respond to this will usually flake on you.

From there, I usually wait another day or so and start a text conversation. I like to reference a conversation we had when we met in this text to try and keep some continuity. The goal here is nothing special, just trying to get a little bit of back and forth going. It’s been over 24 hours and I’m seeing how warm the lead still is. Typically, if I can get a text conversation going here, then she’s pretty likely to go on a date with me. If her responses are few and far between, then she’s likely a flake. 

Don’t get fancy and try to re-invent the wheel here. Don’t get cute or try to win her over if she’s not responding very much. Your leg work was put in when you met her, now you’re stuck with what you earned. I’ve found that the cuter or harder you try to win girls over by text, the bigger chance you have of looking needy and desperate and losing them. 

Joke and tease her if she’s being responsive. If she’s not, stick to trying to get her out ASAP.

Depending how the text conversation goes, I’ll either ask her out right then and there, or I’ll wait another day or two depending on my schedule. It used to be expected that you call women, but texting has quickly overtaken phone calls. Back in 2005 when I started this stuff, I called every number I got. Now I almost never call a girl unless she specifically asks that I call her. I would say in the last year, over 90% of my dates have been set up through texting.

6. I have to say this again. Don’t get fancy or cute in your texts. Texting is, in general, an awful medium for communication. Often if you try to get too sarcastic or witty in your texts, they can be easily misinterpreted or come off with a completely different intention than you originally had. And remember, everything comes back to intention. So clear, blunt language.

I tell guys that I only use texting to organize when she and I are going to see each other next. Literally, that’s what 90% of my texts consist of, things like, “Hey, what are you doing Thursday night?” or “I’m busy this weekend, but I want to see you again.” 

My text conversations are boring.

Just to give you an example of a typical text conversation, I’ve posted below a transcript of the texting I did with the last girl I went out on a date with.

Some background first, this was a girl I met in a nightclub at about 1AM and spent no more than 60-90 minutes with her. There was light kissing, but mostly just talking and dancing. No drinking (this is a biggie actually). And before she went home I mentioned that I’d like to see her the next day. She said sure.

Me: Hey Maryna, it was nice meeting you tonight.
Her: You too!
Me (next day): Hey, you said you work until 4PM, right?
Her: Yes, do you still want to meet?
Me: Yeah. How about 7:30?
Her: Can we do 8?
Me: Sure. In the city center?
Her: Yes, in front of the X restaurant. Do you know where it is?
Me: Yea, see you there.
Her: See you soon.

That’s it. I’d say 75% of my text correspondence looks like that.

But just to show you the other extreme, here’s a more unusual text transcript I had with a girl in England a few months ago. This is about as “gamey” as I ever get.

Me: Hey Natalie, it was nice meeting you tonight.
Her: Hey, I have your phone number now.
Me: Good, talk to you soon.
Me (next day): Hey Natalie, how was the rest of your night?
Her: Great. We were tired and went back a bit early though.
Me: Good. Are you free tomorrow evening? Let’s meet up for a drink.
Her: OK. When did you have in mind?
Me: How about 8 at X, do you know it?
Her: Yes I do. 8 it is. I’ll text you tomorrow. Good night.
Me: Good night.
Her (next day): Hey, I’m overloaded at work and may not be able to meet you tonight. Sorry. I hope you enjoy England.
Me: Come on Natalie. When you’re old and grey are you going to wish you worked more, or wish you went on more dates with American boys?
Her: Haha! Very true. Let me see what I can do.
Her (later): OK, I finished early. I can meet you.

Notice how the only bit of “game” I threw at her was when she showed hesitance to meet up. The only reason I did this is because I knew I was going to lose her if I didn’t amp things up, show my desire for her again and polarize things a bit to prevent the flake. I did that. And it worked.

Or did it?

Natalie never showed up. She called me at about 7:40PM and explained to me that although she really liked me a lot, that because I was leaving England in a few days, she couldn’t justify coming on a date with me. It was clear she felt bad about it, but her values were clear.

I respected that decision and told her that that’s fine, that she’s a beautiful girl and that she deserves a great guy who will stick around. And I meant it.

And unfortunately, this has consistently been my experience. A flake is a flake. No matter what you text. Even if you can create a temporary illusion that she wants to meet up with you. When it comes down to her spending the time to get ready and come out and meet you, there has to be that initial attraction and connection from when you met. I’ve tried every kind of “text game” and line in the book, and ultimately it always comes back to this: how well did you game her when you met her. Because things always revert back to that level.

If anything, being cute and trying to impress will only hurt you, as it will come across as needy and unattractive. One of the quickest ways to lose a girl is by texting her stuff that’s way too try-hard.

When in doubt, be plain and to-the-point.

This often disappoints some guys. They get really excited about sending fancy or brilliant texts that magically change a girl’s mind on a dime. Don’t bother. Short of lying or manipulation, it almost never works. 

You’re not going to be texting Shakespearean Sonnets to her. Get her to agree to meet up as soon as possible and then do all of the heavy lifting in person, where you can interact physically, where she can see your intentions and your non-neediness, and where you’re not limited to 120 characters at a time or whatever.

7. When it comes time to meet for the date, don’t make a big deal out of whether she’s late or not. Most women are late. She’s not “testing” you. She’s probably just a disorganized woman who got nervous and spent an extra 20 minutes in front of the mirror for you. Traffic happens a lot. And some girls are terrible drivers and get lost. I usually give women 10-20 minutes leeway and then if I haven’t heard from them by then with an explanation of why they’re late or when they’re coming, then I go. If she’s apologetic about it, then follow the “Three Strikes You’re Out” rule. If she’s not, then I drop her.

That’s it.

(No, really, that’s all.)