Hey there,
Sorry to interrupt the Quake 3 match, but this is kind of important. And besides, you were probably going to win anyway.
Look, it’s your future self — 10 years in the future, to be exact. I’m writing this while watching a sunset on a beach in Turkey. Yes, THAT Turkey. Don’t ask why; it’s cooler than you think. In fact, most of the world is cooler than you think, but you’ll discover this eventually.
I have some things I want to say. And look, some of it may be painful to hear, but it’s for your own good. I know how much you hate to be lectured and scolded (oh, you rebel, you), and I know how squeamish you get with confrontation (you will get over this… mostly). But I’m here to help. And considering I’m you, there’s no way you can claim you know better than me. So listen up.
First things first: cut the damn hair. It was cool for like ten minutes in 11th grade. I know the girls giggle and say you look like Johnny Depp from Blow, but sorry, you don’t, and it’s not like it’d help your chances even if you did. You’re going to cut it in a year anyway, but let’s speed up the process here. I’m not getting any younger and neither are you.
But let’s address the bigger issue. You’ve got this whole faux rock-art John Petrucci wannabe thing going on at the moment. Look, I don’t know how to tell you this without hurting your feelings, but your guitar-playing isn’t going anywhere. At least not on the current path you’re on. It’s not because you’re bad, because you’re not, you’re actually quite good.
It’s just that you’re using music to escape responsibility rather than take on more responsibility. And until that changes, you’re not going anywhere.
See, guys like Petrucci and Vai are awesome because they’re unique and original, not because they play well. You’re spending all of your time learning how to play well and not being unique or original. In fact, you’re learning to play like that mostly because it’s the only thing that gets people to compliment you and hang out with you — you’re in a band, you can wail on a guitar, suddenly you’re invited to some parties.
(You’re actually a lot more like your brother than you think.)
No, the music thing is more of an identity choice than a necessary expression of yourself. If I’m not mistaken, you’re about to start music school. You’ll soon discover that when you’re surrounded by musicians who are as talented or more talented than yourself, your uniqueness will disappear and your identity will crumble. The process will torment you, but it will happen, and at the speed of a glacier running over a snail you’ll come to realize that you never loved the music, the expression, the creativity, as much as you loved the attention, the affection (you’re starved, you realize) and the adulation (how’s that for an alliteration, hah!)
And dude, give up on Kate, seriously… It’s been two years, she’s not going to change her mind about you. You’re going to end up dating girls of a stratospheric league; goddesses, really. Move on already so we can get this party started.
Which brings me to my next point: your social anxiety. You don’t realize it at the moment, but you’ve made a nice little cocoon for yourself. You’ve got your video games, your guitar, the occasional pot smoking and drinking. You spent the last four years in a high school with the same 100 kids. You’re sheltered. You have no idea what you’re doing and you’re afraid of people who don’t approach you first.
It’s time to grow up and start getting over this. You’ll be happy you did. College is going to help a lot — living in a dorm, especially. But it’s time to start putting yourself out there more.
That means stop with the video games. This competitive gaming stuff is a sinking ship, and the games themselves are a massive waste of your time. Now, I know what you’re saying, “They’re fun, and I’m good at them, and what’s the harm in that?”
Well yes, they are fun and yes, you are good at them. But the harm is that you don’t play them because they’re fun, you play them because you’re afraid of the world and the people in it. It’s escapism. It’s a borderline addiction. Delete them for a month and see how much you miss them. You’ll be surprised.
Keep reading books: your books, not theirs. The ones no one else knows you read. You’ll want to slow down a bit in your early 20′s, but don’t. And don’t let yourself feel constrained by your college courses. Most of the books they assign are overrated or irrelevant to your needs/ambitions. There’s going to be this thing called Wikipedia soon that is going to make college a cinch anyway, so don’t worry about it. You’re a natural autodidact, so keep it that way as much as possible.
Don’t be a slave to your self-image. Go to the gym. Go often. Whatever you think is “good exercise,” do twice that. It was never your thing, but you have a better frame than you think and you’ll thank me (yourself) later.
And stop eating shit. My god, you will waste a LOT of time undoing the nutritional slop you’re currently living in. May as well start now: no sodas, no fast food, meat and vegetables, meat and vegetables.
Ask a girl out right when you meet her, THEN get to know her better, not the other way around.
You quit your bands to go to music school. That’s backwards: you should quit music school to join some bands.
If she cheats on someone else, she’s probably going to cheat on you. That’s all I’m going to say. But don’t forget it.
Your ass looks funny only because you’re out of shape. Get in shape and the girls are going to love it.
Tell Dad to buy as much stock in Apple as possible. No, not the Beatles’ record label, the company with those fruity little computers with all the colors.
OK, this is getting long. I don’t want to overwhelm you. Things are bright in your future, kid. I realize it’s impossible to call you that without coming across as condescending, but this is the most true context there ever was: you are just beginning to grow and neither of us know where that will end up. All I can tell you is that we go to some pretty amazing places and things get better. Much better.
Keep your head up and try to believe in yourself a bit more. When in doubt, err on the side of risk and action. Trust your intellect. And remember: you’re cooler than you think.
Best,
Mark
Hahaha awesome!
Props for doing this.
I’m 21 years old, I kinda felt like you were talking to me for most of this. :’)
My hero is John Petrucci. This really hit home for me. But the difference between he and I is that I take pride in the music that I have written and played, and not in my technical ability. I have used it as escapsim before, but no longer.
Damn. Discovering your blog absolutely blew my mind today and is still continuing to do so. As a 20 year old, soon to be 21 in a few months, I’m seriously questioning a lot of my beliefs that I’ve been developing over the past few years. This post makes me think of what kind of qualities I want to have developed by the time I’m 28.
I can already relate to many themes I’ve read you talking about in this blog.
I discovered the PUA world when I was 15, and ditched it after a while but I know I have a lot more work to do when it comes to making moves/approaches/confidence.
I discovered the power of meditation when I was 17 and I only practice it once in a while now. I can’t deny the power of it, and I KNOW I have to make it a bigger part of my life. One of those topics my inner gut won’t let me forget. The theme of conciousness also is starting to respike my interest in lucid dreaming, something which I never achieved but pondered on many occasions.
I discovered the paleolithic diet last year when I was 19. Changed my life, health and physique. For the past year the subject of food, optimal nutrition has been on the forefront of my mind for the vast majority of my life since. However I still fall off the horse the reguarly (every week/few weeks). This stagnates my gains. And blows holes in my motivation.
Since I watched the Matrix and Fight Club in middle school and cant stop thinking about breaking out of my current reality. I went to college early because I primarily wanted to step outside of the sheltered bubble I lived in throughout my middle-class suburb childhood. I chose to study abroad, my first time was when for 3 weeks in Mexico last December, and right now I am currently on my second study abroad for 1 year in Buenos Aires, Argentina. My program will end in July of 2013. Im sure you could identify Mark, although Im not sure exactly where you were in Argentina.
For a period of a few months I was in an MLM, not that it was an accomplishment, but another sign of how I attempted to break outside of conventional wisdom of the 9-5 job concept.
The thoughts that I’ve been reading in this blog have been really making me contemplate my life so far, hence why Im posting this ridiculously long and possibly out of place comment right now.
My life feels like it is a constant struggle and more so than ever I’m realizing that the biggest obstacle from me realizing my dreams is not an outside factor, its me and my lack of action, my lacking of doing something.
As long as I can remember, maybe since the beginning of middle school, I have been obsessed with self-improvement. How to be the best Kevin Martin that I can be. Through my constant digging of answers (and thankfully the seemingly boundless resource of the internet), I have discovered principles or habits that I want to develop in my life, habits, qualities which I’m close to 100% positive will help me in my life. But then many days I find myself alone in my room at my host parents house, still spending hours on the internet searching. Like theres going to be some key, a treasure chest that will fill me up with happiness instantly and I will suddenly know exactly the meaning or mission of my life that I apparently feel that I should be searching for. I feel I spend a lot of time pissing my life away, most of it thinking, living inside my head. I live inside my head so much that I forget I’m living inside my head. Lately Ive been thinking that living in a completely sustainable community will be my dream, but then Im faced with this urban enviroment I currently live that makes it seem so far away and intangible.
After all of this, I just think at the very core of it all, I just want to make my life be a GREAT one. My biggest fear is that I’ll coast through the motions of life only to be like my parents, and many other adults are in this current world. That I’ll spend the majority of my life dreaming and pondering, only to pass it by wishing I had more time. I dont want an average life, with average, sub par health, with general lacking of excitement, with a deadness of droning to the office every morning, purposeless, a life of accepting the status-quo, the unneccesarry suffering, and self induced unhappiness. I dont want to feel like I’m living in a “matrix.”
I know that I should strive to make all of those aspects habitual in my life. I need to stop making excuses for putting them off and just DO them. (I should probably also make a blog with these thoughts.) Sometimes I dont know whether Im too hard on myself, or not hard enough.
I dont know what I learned by writing all this, but maybe I just have to stop thinking and do more. To anyone who read the whole thing, thank you for listening to me.
I enjoyed the read, reminds me of my current self (18).
Keep at it!
Woow… you blew my mind! In case you do the blog thing, send me the link. I feel the same way most of the time. I guess you are in the right path! Keep up! Motivate yourself because nobody is going to do it for you. Awareness is the key to understand. Once you know what you want you will have the energy to do it. Keep looking! Always!!
This could have easily been me writing this. Wow, spot on my friend. I can’t help feeling that I’m on a constant search for something, I may never find it but I’m learning to appreciate and enjoy the journey. Learning is absolutely my favorite thing to do but I guess there’s been some research in evolutionary psychology that says our brains are hardwired to look for and process as much information as possible as a survival mechanism, but in today’s information age, that mechanism may very well be detrimental. Maybe it depends on what information you’re seeking out? Who knows? But I like you’re writing style and would be interested in you’re blog when you make one. Post a link
Hey, I read through this and parts of it resonated with me. One thing that might help (or it’ll at least be fun to overthink about
) is to try and figure out where your need to become ‘better’ is coming from. For me, it’s been forms of rejection and inadequacy (I’ve gone into detail elsewhere).
Maybe once you know what’s motivating you, you could try things to touch it head on instead of possibly trying random vague things to indirectly find an answer. Maybe the answer we’ll find is that there isn’t an answer.
Look at what you wrote and think about where you say you ‘have to’ or ‘should’ do something. None of that is true; those are externalizations of judgment. You determine what matters to you, and nothing will magically grant that to you unless you accept responsibility for your values–internally.
Happy Birthday Mark?
Not my birthday. Interestingly, my 10-year high school reunion is this weekend (which I’m missing).
Oh, man. This is such a great idea, it’s fun to think about the advice I’d give my 18-yr old self. Good read, and I learned a new and useful word (autodidact)!
If I were sitting on a beach in Turkey (or pretty much anywhere) I’d have trouble concentrating long enough to write a coherent paragraph. You’re a better man than me, dude.
I notice many of the commenters above are around 18, whereas I am old enough now to write my 28 year old self a letter. That’s why it’s interesting to me that you’re a little hard on yourself in my opinion. You are exhorting yourself to be something 18you hasn’t developed into yet. No doubt there is much wisdom in the “scolding” 18 you gets, but could 18you really hear it? (Or am I reading this too literally?) I liked this:
“No, the music thing is more about an identity choice than a necessary expression of yourself”
Wow, there is a lot of insight there. The stuff underpinning this sentence could be at least a whole post all by itself.
I’ll provide one example of what I mean by writing just one thing to 18me:
“Dude, I know how scary life can feel sometimes. When Dad was killed when we were 12 we had to become about 35 in a couple of months. That sucks. But we did a pretty good job of it and if we hadn’t the family would have disintegrated. What I want you to know is that you don’t have to be afraid. Because, even though things are a challenge right now, you and I have already overcome the biggest challenge we have faced, and you have everything you need inside you already.”
Would I have been ready to hear all this at the time? Probably not all of it.
The tone of the letter largely is largely in response to my personality at the time: a waste away, do nothing slacker. I needed a kick in the ass and it’d be another year or two before I got it.
As a lifelong amateur musician this passage really struck me. “… you’ll come to realize that you never loved the music, the expression, the creativity, as much as you loved the attention, the affection (you’re starved, you realize) and the adulation.” Makes you think… Did Picasso get girls because he happened to be an amazing painter? Or did Picasso happen to become an amazing painter to get girls?
Had to think of this article I read a while ago when you mentioned Picasso…
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2111329/How-Picasso-called-women-goddesses-doormats-drove-lovers-despair-suicide-cruelty-betrayal.html
Should answer your question on the man.
Hell Yeah.
Major props to the Petrucci and Vai references too. I saw both for my first concert ever at G3 back in 2004 I think. Petrucci was all GQ lookin, threw me off a little bit.
Cheers!
Yeah, when he cut his hair, it was mildly traumatic. I saw the Eric Johnson G3 (the first one) and then the Petrucci G3. Also seen Vai, Satriani and Dream Theater shows.
Will always have a place in my heart for that kind of music. I don’t really listen to much of it anymore. I still listen to Dream Theater occasionally, but almost never Vai or Satriani.
Mark,
Boston… Music school… Dream Theater… Are you a fellow Berklee alum?!
Kind of, not really. Ended up at BU and graduated from there.
Wow, man. Reading this was awesome. I’m about to turn 18 in November and this couldn’t have come at a better time. I’m doing a lot of work on my life lately. Been exercising and meditating everyday without fail for a while now and it’s just been an upward spiral since then. I’m trying to cut out weed but a lot of my friends like to do it for fun. I’ve realized that it’s more of an addiction for me and I’m much better without it. Peer pressure can be a bitch sometimes though. If you’ve got any tips, I’d love to hear them. Hit me up with an email or comment if you get the chance. Thanks for helping me through this interesting time of my life. Keep doing you, dawg.
Love it Mark!!
As I read this I thought, “He’s pretty nice to his 18 y/o self.” I often struggle with trying not be a slave to feelings of regret. On a normal day, I typically would love to go back in time and kick my 18 y/o self in the throat. This was a good post – Where there is regret, there is most likely room for a more compassionate analysis as well.
I’m 18, and I can’t believe how much I relate to you. Everything. I shat a brick after reading you were about to go to music school (I am and am now rethinking it). This is an amazing article. I wish it was longer! It really helps. Thanks Mark
I feel in a lot of ways very familiar with the guy you just described.
I’m about half way through my transformation from that to someone else, someone… Better.
It’s tough as hell but I’m starting to enjoy it.
Looking forward to your next post Mark.
After reading a few lines, I thought this is a letter to my 18 year self, but then I realized that his was a real letter to your real self, hehe, funny moment.
I just noticed a little mistake in your first sentence. “And besides, you were probably going to win anyway.” I think you should replace the “were” with an “are.” With the “were” there, it sounds as if he was going to win before the interruption, which indicates that he wanted to lose and lost his chance when you interrupted him. It sounds as if old you says “Hey, I won because of you!!” And you are say, “You were probably going to win (fail your goal) anyway.” This particular phrase is used to say that the result would have been the same, usually as a rebuttal to a statement.
Either are correct, I believe. In this case, “you were going to win anyway” refers to a hypothetical situation like, “Sorry to interrupt, but you weren’t going to change his mind anyway.” Also, “Sorry to interrupt, but you aren’t going to change his mind,” works as well, but it refers to an immediate rebuttal rather than a hypothetical.
Ah, I see. I was just thrown off by the switch from present tense to past tense.
It’s clearer now, thanks. The first one refers to the match less immediately. Got it. I guess a false alarm went off.
Thanks Mark,
Really enjoyed reading this. Out of curiosity, when it comes to music, do you ever wish you could have done things differently e.g. gone down the path to eventually become a professional musician/artiste? I ask, because I spend a lot of time on music too (and yes, it’s not going to get me anywhere – but just a hobby that i love – but I do wonder if I’m spending too much time on it sometimes)
Since I turned 18 my life has been extremely difficult to cope with emotionally, but in a strange way it was for the better. I’m currently 19 and I go to community college, and frankly I don’t enjoy a good portion of the people I meet there, it’s as if the general population has been brainwashed to follow a certain template of behavior that I find destructive yet dull, such a paradox. I’m not sure if I’m making sense. But I’m trying to work on my social skills.Being thrown into a social situation in which no one is going to walk up to you is rather difficult and scary, and frankly I spend most of my nights alone wondering if there is something wrong with me. I have never had a girlfriend from which I attribute my inability to get over the few opinions of girl in which I threw my whole heart’s affection towards without knowing who they were. I’m not really sure what I wanna do with my life, I like to make music for attention and to be creative, but I’m not sure I’m being entirely honest with myself for fear of feeling useless. But starting tomorrow and I mean it, I’m going to stop being led by fearful thoughts of rejection and insecurities. It’s not like I’m loosing anything, It’s hard for me to stop placing my validation in the hands of others, but this is something I’m attempting to work towards. I think the reason my life is not what I want it to be is that I spend hours upon hours gaining knowledge only to never apply it out of fear of being humiliated and persecuted by my peers for failing. That ends today, thanks Mark.
[...] – An Open Letter To My 18-yr-old Self, Escape [...]
Wow, I’m eighteen, just started music school.
I felt like you were talking to me. Props for this.
I was in this rut a few years ago, although I still have long hair (of glory) I have started my own business, working out, meditating, talking to girls, cut the shit from my diet, reading and now attempting to quit porn (Brought me to this blog).
Enough bragging for one night, I’m going to write a letter to my 28yr old self, heh this could get interesting.
I love doing stuff like this! I often daydream about my future self coming back and talking to me about how I am living my life currently. No matter how well I’m doing, it gives me perspective and helps me focus on what is really important. Great letter and post!
Struck a nice chord with me.
Change the name of the girl at the top, the age, a few specific places and tenses, “music school” to art school (but keep the other advice about the guitar) and gaming to drinking and reading obscene amounts of relationship and life advice online and it’s a letter from my future self (hopefully) to present me.
In fact I just did that with some of it and posted it in my “gratitude journal” (on my iPhone
)
Thanks for this, Mark
I’m 20 years old, been playing guitar and singing since 13, always in bands, got into personal development… How I relate to this post