Guest post by Xander.
“How the hell could you front on me? There’s a thousand you’s, there’s only one of me”
– Kanye West
Consider this thought experiment. Imagine a beautiful woman. She grew up in a mid-sized town in Minnesota where she was always the prettiest girl in school. Prom queen, cheerleader, even her biology teacher turned into a bumbling baffoon around her. Her whole life people told her she was gorgeous, ascribed qualities to her (some real, some imagined) that made her feel exceptional, and generally made the world cotton for her perfectly manicured toes to walk on. Maybe she went to college where she enjoyed sorority life and dated the bartender at the local post-game spot. In her early twenties she decides she’s outgrown the town and moves to the big city to pursue her dream of being an actress (LA), model (NY) or kept woman (Miami). Mostly she’s looking for fun and adventure and fulfilling the destiny that she was meant for something more than getting married after school and settling down with her on-again, off-again ex-boyfriend.
She’s excited to experience the big city and fantasizes about meeting someone famous and ending up as tabloid fodder. She finally meets some cool girls through work and starts frequenting the latest spot that she’s read about in magazines and on TMZ. It’s very exciting at first; the people dress well, she sees the celebrities she was hoping to see and she hardly makes it into to work in one piece those first few weeks. But she realizes quickly that she’s not in Minnesota anymore. While the nights are fun and the drinks are free, she looks around each night and realizes that there are a hundred girls that look just like her. Same Bebe dress, same hairstyle copied out of InStyle magazine and same pair of Louboutin’s that she can’t afford. She can’t help but feel…disposable. Another nameless, faceless mini-skirt in a room full of them, shepherded around like cattle by a promoter.
The feeling she gets from the men she dates, if you can call them dates, is that they view her as a completely fungible commodity. They want to have sex with a hot girl and are not that particular about which one. They don’t put forth much effort and don’t seem to mind much when she ignores them for a bit when she’s angry. She can’t help but feel very…..ordinary.
Within a few short months, she’s already over the scene. She knows every promoter, she’s been to the afterparties, she’s met the D-list celebrities, and it’s all the same night after night. She doesn’t even really enjoy clubbing anymore and realizes that none of the people she considers “friends” would visit her in the hospital if she broke her foot. She just doesn’t know where else to meet guys and going out is marginally better than staying home by herself.
Maybe she does this for a while, rotating venues and even friends periodically. While she’s been going out almost every weekend and has dated lots of guys, the girl who was never single back home now hasn’t had a boyfriend in the three years she’s been here. Despite constantly being in a crowded venue, she’s never felt more alone. This is reality for most of the girls in nightlife.
Most of the girls in a club on a Friday or Saturday night are not what you would think of as “club girls.” They are girls just like the ones in the preceding parable. They don’t do coke (maybe adderall to lose weight once in awhile) they aren’t hooking up every single weekend, and they aren’t hanging out with anything remotely resembling an “A-list” crowd. Most of them work jobs or go to school and while they love to tell you about some celebrity they hung out with or some mansion party they attended, their lives aren’t really all that fabulous.
It’s worth noting that there is a certain small segment of the female club-going population that does live that life. They get flown out to party in exotic locales, they “date” famous men, they don’t have real jobs, and they often get paid for sex one way or another, either via a (probably married) sugar daddy, in exchange for drugs, or in actual transactions of prostitution. These are the real “club girls” and they should be avoided like canker sores. They’re like vampires, soulless creatures who suck life-force and resources from anything and everything around them, without regard or scruples or anything that could be construed as humanity. They generally come from poor backgrounds (although occasionally very wealthy ones) and end up as trophy wives or mistresses (see the Real Housewives series for a glimpse into their future).
Each girl in a club is slightly different. You are best served by treating them as individuals rather than trying to lump them into some preconceived idea of what kind of girl goes to a club. Because the reality is that most women in their 20’s residing in major cities go to nightclubs at least occasionally. The more frequently she attends, the more likely she is to exhibit characteristics of a club girl in part from the effect frequent club-going has on her and in part because women with these characteristics are more drawn to clubs in the first place.
A Closer Look
There are certain themes you’ll see repeated if you approach enough women in nightclubs. For starters, nightlife attracts superficial people. It’s a stereotype that’s deserved. But let’s take one step further and examine what that really means. In this case, it means that the women will for the most part be more concerned with appearance. In fact many of them spend most of their waking day thinking about appearance, both theirs and others. They’re constantly counting calories consumed and burned, trying to stave off food cravings for the things they can’t eat (they are perpetually trying to lose weight after all), are constantly are reading fashion magazines and blogs to keep up on the latest trends, and are going shopping every weekend to make sure they look their best. They often work in appearance-focused jobs – make-up artists, hair-stylists, aestheticians, spas/gyms/fitness, retail/fashion(especially fashion students if you live in NY or LA), PR., media, and of course modeling and acting.
In part because these women tend to be younger (most are in their early to mid-twenties), they are often not very good at life yet. They are constantly late and disheveled, they voice every mild annoyance throughout their day, they forget their ID’s, are late on their bills, get parking tickets frequently, and are among the most broke people you have ever met. You’ve never seen a group of people less willing to reach for their wallets than these girls. As a promoter, you could pick them up in stretch limo and pass them free drinks in bottle service all night but ask them for a dollar to tip a waitress at the afterhours diner and they will look at you like you just asked for their mother’s kidney.
Besides not paying for things, the favorite pastime of these girls is name dropping and humblebragging. Get used to it and learn how to deal with it. In part because they’re young, they are likely to have few accomplishments from which to derive real self-esteem. Consequently these girls are constantly pinging for validation via a bombarding of name dropping and humblebragging. Many of their stories revolve around wealthy or famous people they have met or parties they have attended. She will refer to a famous person as “my friend” even if that person wouldn’t remember her name if he saw her again. She’ll brag about the special treatment she got at a club or restaurant. I often thought about selling t-shirts that said “I know the owner” because judging by how often I heard the phrase I think I could have made a killing. A girl that used to come out to my events once posted on her Facebook wall “Ugh, all these Oscar parties and I don’t know what to wear it just makes me want to curl up in my pajamas and stay in.” These kinds of comments are common and said without irony. They are also bullshit. While they may have met Drake once or went to a party at Wilmer Valderrama’s house, they were likely nothing more than background aesthetic, little different than the fern in the corner or the artwork purchased at Zgallerie. And they know it.
These name drops and humblebrags are often best dealt with by either ignoring them completely or making fun of what is such an obvious play for validation.
Her: “We were out at The Mondrian and Rob Kardashian came up to me – “
Me: “Who’s that?”
Her: “This house had an infinity pool and 4 levels and an indoor basketball court”
Me: “I bet I could save money if I went on food stamps. How do you get those?”
Her: “What are you up to?”
Me: “Dinner with a coworker at Dan Tanas”
Her: “I know the owner”
Me: “Can you DVR Boardwalk Empire? I forgot to set mine”
Often these girls will seek to differentiate themselves from the other women in the venue or from the club scene in general. They’ll say things like “I don’t really go out” or “I’m not your typical LA girl” or “I hate drama,” or “I don’t date guys I meet in clubs.” But much like the cliché “I don’t normally do this,” these statements are often in direct opposition to reality. Week after week, these places are filled with women who “don’t go out” who are very “typical LA girls” (by virtue of the fact that they are saying they are not typical), who love drama and whose last boyfriend approached her at a club. And the more vocally and ardently she states these things, the more likely the opposite is true, like an anti-gay evangelical who gets caught soliciting gay sex in a rest-stop bathroom.
Like nightlife itself, much of what is said and done by the women should be viewed as a smoke screen. As the saying goes, I believe none of what I hear and only half of what I see. Because in truth while they love to imply that they are living the celebrity lifestyle, you’d be shocked by how many of these girls end up on eHarmony. Because beneath the desire for the glamorous life is still that girl from Minnesota who is looking for a normal guy to lie on the couch with and watch romantic comedies.
In part 3 we’ll be expanding on this, examining how a man can succeed with these women and how to thrive in nightclubs without losing your soul or your savings…