One recurring problem with this industry is that much of the advice was developed on a specific population of women and then sold to men as applicable in all situations and with all women, when this is clearly not the case.
A couple weeks ago, this Men’s Health article was passed along to me. It’s a somewhat bland article about good places to meet women (activities, through friends and grocery stores, in case you’re curious). But it also listed a handful of statistics that caught my eye:
“Men are possessed by the myth of the pickup,” says David Grazian, Ph.D., an associate professor of sociology at the University of Pennsylvania and the author of On the Make: The Hustle of Urban Nightlife. It’s in their heads that these bars and clubs are “teeming with anonymous females who are dying to have sex with any guy who is confident enough to talk to them.” The reality is that less than 6 percent of women report having had sex with their partners within 2 days or less of meeting them, and less than 20 percent of adults say they first met their most recent sexual partner in a bar. Perhaps it’s the nasty stigma of nightlife: A survey of 1,034 women by StrategyOne, a market research agency, reveals that nearly one in four women would be embarrassed to admit that she met a mate in a bar.
I’ve been saying for years that most women rarely even set foot inside bars and clubs with any sort of regularity. I’ve also been saying for years that meeting women during the day is superior for anyone who wants a girlfriend or higher quality interactions.
But holy cow, I didn’t realize the numbers were this off.
Now, I know what you’re going to say. Studies of women self-reporting their sexual behavior are about as reliable as cell phone reception in a hurricane. And I would tend to agree with you. But these numbers are so much lower than I expected, I don’t think you can ignore it.
Just to give you an idea, that’s 1-out-of-19 women admitting to sleeping with a guy within two days of meeting him (something which is considered commonplace within our industry). Even if you go with the extreme view that 50% of women would be willing to lie about something like this (a wild over-estimation in my opinion), that’s still only 1-in-10 women willing to do it. And even then, only 20% of them report their last hook up being from a bar. I’m assuming that’s taken from a population of women who regularly go to bars.
The only reason I bring this up is because the conventional narrative within the pick up industry is that young, hot girls all go out to bars, get drunk and fuck like the world’s coming to an end… every weekend. And oh, by the way, they’re fucking some super 6’3″ alpha male, not you. In fact, ALL of the “alphas” in the bar are getting laid… except for you.
But anyone with some real world social experience will notice this isn’t the case. 95% of the time I go out at night, the vast majority of girls in the venue are not hooking up with a guy, or if they are, it’s with a guy they came with. Anyone who approaches mixed groups regularly will tell you how often you approach a group expecting a guy and girl to be together and they’re not. In fact, most of the time they’re not.
I know that’s not scientific by any means, but the results of these surveys skew towards my observation rather than the conventional narrative.
And if there’s only a certain minority of women with even a willingness to become that sexual that quickly, then the conclusion follows that no matter what we do or how attractive we are, we’re always at the mercy of a woman’s willingness and interests first and foremost — how we control the interaction and where we lead it comes secondary.
My contention for a long time now has been that when it comes to getting a one night stand, “game” really only takes you so far. As always, we like to delude ourselves into thinking we’re in control of more than we actually are. If you want to get laid a lot, finding the right girl on the right night is far more important than the interaction itself. “Game” in these situations is only important as to not screw things up once you do find her.
A running theme through a number of posts over the past few weeks has been that of Demographics. Demographics is the idea that no matter how we choose to interact with women and present ourselves, we’re always going to naturally screen women for similar interests and intentions as ourselves. So for instance, a hardcore partying guy who spends all his time in clubs is going to naturally screen for women who like to party as well. A guy who is very sexual and forward is going to naturally screen out women who are not sexual and forward. A guy who is very religious and traditional is going to naturally screen for women who are also religious and traditional, and so on.
Basically, whichever behavior you choose, you’re going to screen for women of similar behavior and taste.
I spend an entire chapter on this concept in my book as I feel it is possibly THE most important concept when it comes to dating.
It seems to me that as the pick up industry evolved, it naturally gravitated towards behaviors and venues that attracted the small demographic of women who are open to casual sex — the 6% according to the surveys above. This makes sense since early on, the pick up community concerned itself mostly with getting laid.
But somewhere along the way I think a lot of people began to confuse this small subset of women to be representative of ALL women. It’s a plague that’s befallen the majority of male dating advice ever since: women are a bunch of horny, partying nymphs… just not horny and partying around you. Perhaps it’s because a lot of early PUA’s never had social lives or sexual experience before adopting their PUA worldviews. Or perhaps they spent so much time in night clubs they literally became myopic to the rest of the world going on around them. Or perhaps it’s simply because we don’t see women in most of their usual social settings: work-place Christmas parties, football game with her cousin and his friends, shopping with her sister, etc.
As a result, you see a lot of “dating advice” solicited that would be more aptly labeled “getting laid advice.” A good example came from the forum recently. A poster wrote a long post about being physically aggressive with women when approaching them, going so far as to literally picking them up and moving them around before even speaking to them or introducing oneself.
Thought about in terms of Demographics, this is excellent advice… if you’re looking for a one night stand in a club. Doing this in a high-energy party environment will immediately screen for highly physical women with low inhibitions and generate a lot of attraction quickly.
But in terms of dating advice for the female population at large, it’s poor. If you’re interested in more traditional or conservative women, looking for a more conventional relationship, are meeting women in more subdued venues (like say, a church fundraiser), then picking up a woman you don’t know and spinning her around while yelling at her will probably get you maced in the face and promptly escort off the premises.
One woman’s heaven is another’s hell.