A while back, a couple guys asked me if I could write some of my beliefs and mentalities when it came to women. I don’t claim to be the best guy with women ever. And I definitely don’t claim to be the most emotionally healthy guy walking around. In fact, I still have some lingering beliefs and thought-patterns that I’m still trying to uproot myself.
But I do know that I’ve come a long way in developing some very helpful mindsets. And I also know that I came to this stuff with a lot of helpful beliefs and mentalities that are probably partly responsible for why I became successful very quickly.
Here’s a run down of some of the more important ones to me, with why I feel that they’re important.
99% of People Are Good, It’s Your Job to Find It
This is one that I’ve had for most of my life. I believe that we all face struggles, failures and insecurities. There are very, very few naturally mean or evil people in the world. Any appearance of malice is either someone acting out insecurities and fears onto you, or simply a mis-communication. Everyone means well. Everyone thinks that they’re right. And everyone thinks that they’re doing the best they can with what they’ve got. Instead of fighting them or defending against them, try to empathize with them. See where they’re coming from and what motivates them. You’ll be surprised.
This helps with women because it trains you to always look for the best in them. As humans, we’re attracted to people who see us how we want to be seen. We’re also attracted to people who see the best in us. Where a lot of men might write a girl off as a “bitch” or “self-centered,” I will often see a girl who’s scared and insecure. Once I’m able to empathize with that, she’s very likely to connect with me and open up to me.
I’m Capable of Anything If I Put the Time and Effort Into It
Another one I’ve had my entire life: a delusional belief in my own capabilities. If there’s one thing my parents got right, it was pushing this onto me at a very young age. I think the fact that I come from a family of entrepreneurs isn’t a coincidence with this one.
I had just never considered applying this to women before I discovered the PUA community. It’s been very interesting meeting and working with so many other men since then. Most guys I meet seem to believe that for whatever reason that they’re not capable of getting the results other guys get. I’ve had students, when I tell them, “You could have hooked up with with at least two of the girls you met tonight,” they look at me in utter disbelief. As if I’m talking about some other person.
My mindset when I started this was always the complete opposite. In fact, I remember not even being finished with “The Game” and saying to myself, “I’m going to be as good as Mystery one day. I’m going to get as many girls as him, if not more,” and honestly believing it. That belief never shook. Even when it took me three months to work up the nerve to approach. Even when my first 50 approaches or so were disastrous. I always believed that these women should be wanting to go home with me, I just hadn’t figured myself out yet.
Women Want to Be Seduced
Also see: She’s Your Biggest Fan. This took me a long time to realize and accept. For whatever reason, early on I had a lot of bizarre beliefs that hitting on women was bad and disrespectful, that women only wanted to have sex with their boyfriends or husbands, that women didn’t like sexual attention from men.
I don’t completely know when this started to sink in. But I’m pretty sure it came after I had been seeing a number of women and hanging out with a lot of female friends. I remember the first time a girl told me after sex she didn’t care if I didn’t call her. I was absolutely floored. I was speechless at the time.
My female friends were great in this area too. I had never had the courage to bring up sexual topics with them before pick up. But when I started talking to them about their dating lives and sex lives, it really blew me away how much I didn’t understand. Just seeing how women talk about men when men aren’t around was highly influential. I often heard them say things like, “Oh, why did he do that? He was so cute before he did that!” followed by a ton of disappointment. Or “This guy is really hot, but he’s acting so weird. Why can’t he not be weird. I want to do him, but not if he’s going to be weird!”
Most People Honestly Don’t Pay Much Attention to You
This isn’t a bad thing. It’s just human nature. We’re all far more concerned with ourselves. And therefore we all assume others are more concerned with us than they actually are. I also think insecurity exacerbates this. It’s like when you get a stain on your shirt, you feel like everybody sees it and is looking at it. But in reality no one notices it and the few who do notice it don’t care. This took me a while to realize in regards to social status but I started noticing it when all of the “social proof” nonsense started coming out a year or two ago.
People just really don’t care. If you walk into a bar with two girls, and flirt with the bartender and get a free beer. That blond on the other side of the bar doesn’t notice or care most likely. She’s probably busy worrying about what other people are thinking about her. If you don’t believe this, let me ask you this, last time you were in a bar, how many guys did the second hottest girl there give her phone number to? You probably have no idea. Because you probably weren’t paying attention. Because you were probably busy worrying about what your friends and the girls around you thought about you. So what makes you think she was paying attention to you?
David Foster Wallace summed it up best: “You’ll stop worrying what people think about you when you realize how seldom they do.” No one’s keeping a scorecard. No one’s keeping track of your “social status points.” Most people don’t even notice you until you walk up to talk to them.
We Only Get One Shot, Make it Count
We only get one lap around the track of life. One lap, one try, that’s it. There’s no redo. Every moment that passes is a moment you will never see again. Ask yourself, is this what you want to spend your time doing, moment-to-moment? If not, why are you spending time on things that do not fulfill you? Why aren’t you pushing your comfort zone and experiencing as much as you possibly can? I want to see things never seen. Do things never done. Feel things never felt. Why else are we here? There’s an infinite potential to life and why you wouldn’t pack as much as you can into every single second, I have no idea.
When I was 19-years-old, a good friend of mine died. He drowned at a party right in front of our eyes. One second he was there. The next gone. Never coming back. Ever. Afterward, there was trauma, shock and then depression. But I came out of that experience with a seemingly sub-conscious awareness that this could be it at any moment and that I needed to take advantage of every single second I’m alive. I had spent the first 19-years of my life lazy, irresponsible and a chronic under-achiever. But after that night, I realized that at any moment that could be it. No more. No redo. There was so much I wanted to do, to see and to accomplish. Yet I had wasted so much time.
Death could take any of us at any time. You could wake up tomorrow with cancer, or get into a freak car accident. It could be you, it could be me, it could be anyone. It’s not something to dwell on. It’s not even something to be afraid of. It’s just a reminder: this is it. This is all you get. One lap. We each get one ticket to this amusement park called life, are you putting your ticket to good use? Are you riding the best rides, seeing the best shows, and feeling the biggest thrills? Or are you splashing around in the kiddie pool because that’s where the signs told you to go?
Because tomorrow, it may be you. It may be me. And if you’re the one sinking under, will you look up to the surface, and with that last bit of oxygen think to yourself, “I should have pursued my art more,” “I should have talked to Dad more often,” “I should I have told Jane I loved her,” “I should have… I should have…”
Or are you going to look up and think… “Well, that was a pretty good lap.”