It’s amazing how many questions I get through email or on the forum that could be answered by simply reviewing The Three Fundamentals. It’s one of the centerpiece posts on the site, and my entire book is based on them, yet for whatever reason, they just don’t sink in for many people.


Here’s a very quick refresher of The Three Fundamentals:

  1. Lifestyle – Determines the type and quality of your opportunities with women.
  2. Courage – Determines the frequency and quantity of your opportunities with women.
  3. Social Skills – Determines the ease and efficiency with which convert your opportunities with women.

The three fundamentals are synergistic as well. Increasing your social skills will indirectly lead to a more successful lifestyle. A more successful lifestyle will indirectly give you more confidence to act courageously. Acting courageously will indirectly enrich your lifestyle, etc.

Most of the criticism for my work that I see nowadays misappropriates these things. For instance, someone pointed out to me that my Shut Up and Dress Well post received quite a bit of criticism on Seddit because a lot of guys believed that I claimed looks or fashion were more important than game. They argued that one could dress like shit and still get girls.

Well, yeah… of course you can dress like shit (lifestyle) and still get girls (courage). You could even get girls easily (social skills) while dressed like shit (lifestyle). You’re just going to attract the type and quality of girl who is fine with a guy looking like shit — which is most likely less attractive girls. Is this always the case? No. But we’re speaking generally here.

So are looks and fashion (lifestyle) more important than game (social skills and courage)? No, but it’s still important. And it depends on what you want. If you want simply to have a lot of one night stands and aren’t so concerned for the quality of women you’re attracting, then yeah, looks and fashion are not nearly as important as your “game”. If you want fewer and higher quality women or even a girlfriend or a wife, then lifestyle, looks and fashion are going to be more important than game.

My point in that article (as well as the gym article) was that these are things that are easily changed with large benefits, so there’s really no excuse to NOT doing them.

Moving on. Another issue that’s cropped up in the past couple months is that I’ve been receiving a lot more emails from guys with lifestyle problems. Although I’ll say hearing guys complain about their lifestyles is a major improvement over the kinds of emails I used to receive years ago, these complaints still aren’t very valid. In fact, I’ve begun dubbing them “lifestyle excuses.”

Here are examples of the two most common ones I receive:

  • “I haven’t gone out and approached women yet because I want to get my lifestyle in order first. My apartment is too small and my furniture is old. I realize no girl would ever want to come back here, but I need to get a raise at work before I move. In the meantime, I was thinking I need a new wardrobe to make myself more attractive. What do you think I should start with?”

And then this one too:

  • “I have a great job, good friends, cool hobbies, but women just aren’t attracted to them. My job isn’t very “cool” and whenever I talk about my interests, women get really bored. I realize I probably need new hobbies and even a new job. But I like what I do. Should I just accept that women aren’t ever going to be attracted to me?”

Both of these “problems” are merely excuses in disguise. The first one is a guy who’s lifestyle isn’t quite as great as he’d like it to be… So? Nothing’s stopping him from meeting or dating women other than his belief that he needs a bigger apartment or new clothes. He’s mentally erected barriers for himself. He’s making excuses and putting off taking action.

The second one is another example of a guy who has somehow convinced himself that all women everywhere have gotten together and conspired to find his job and hobbies unattractive. No, it couldn’t be him or his behavior. It’s obviously his job, even though he’s quite successful at it and loves it. The painful truth here is that his social skills probably suck and/or he lacks the courage to make the proper moves with women. But instead of accepting these faults, he blames the women for not appreciating him as he is. And as long as he blames the women for his lack of success, nothing will change.

I’ve noticed that many men have a tendency to get sucked into and obsessed with one of the Three Fundamentals while ignoring the other two. Many men get hung up on their lifestyle and work on it almost exclusively — nicer clothes, more money, nice car — and assume that it’s what’s going to account for most or all of their success. Yet often they forget the whole “meeting and attracting women” part in between. They expect that to happen on its own magically.

Then you have the men who obsess over courage. These are the approach machines. The guys who will approach 23 girls in a weekend and have almost nothing to show for it a week later, yet who get pissed off because they think that they’re “better” than everyone else. Their idea of skill is to be able to approach in the most extreme of situations or circumstances — in a movie theater, a girl shopping with her mom, sneaking into a VIP area in a club to approach a table. Never mind the fact that none of these approaches actually go anywhere. Another, less common example is the guy who escalates fearlessly. These guys will often sleep with a lot of drunk girls in bars and clubs very quickly, and again, they’ll believe that they’ve “got it.” Yet, they find that 1) hooking up with beautiful and interesting women with character is strangely difficult, and 2) that none of their interactions go past the first night.

And of course you have the guys who obsess over the social aspect. They always want the funniest and most clever line. They can make a woman laugh for hours on end, but they never summon up the courage to do anything about it. These are the men who go on date after date and have nothing to show for it. Despite their amazing lines and wit, they continue to be placed in friend zone after friend zone.

To improve your love life, you must improve all three fundamentals together. If this sounds intimidating, it shouldn’t be, as they all fit together seamlessly. A nicer lifestyle will allow you opportunities with more attractive women. More opportunities with more attractive women will give you a chance to practice courage and pursue them. And pursuing them will allow you to hone your charm and social skills until they’re in bed with you.

As always, your biggest enemy here is your own mind: over-complicating matters, convincing yourself the need for perfection at something rather than competence at everything. The avoidance of responsibility. The rationalized excuses. The stereotyping of responses.

It’s all just noise.

That’s why I call the fundamentals the fundamentals. You focus on these and you can’t go wrong. Improve yourself. Pursue women courageously. Connect with women and make them smile. That’s it.

Doesn’t matter if she’s a beauty pageant queen or your dad’s Venezuelan housekeeper. Doesn’t matter if there are three friends with her on the dance floor or if she’s by herself on her cell phone. Doesn’t matter if she’s on an airplane or standing in line at Wal-Mart. This is all extraneous shit. Looking for reasons or explanations for it all is pointless.

This is what it comes down to: Are you continually working to improve yourself? Are you going to pursue her? And will you communicate with her genuinely and passionately?

Answer yes to all three questions and you’ll get there eventually. Always.

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12 Responses to Lifestyle Excuses

  1. Tim says:

    Love it. Couldn’t be more simple. Forget all the extraneous shit, just focus on these three things and you’ll get better with women. Finally a promise from the dating community that’s not just hype marketing.

  2. Vangelis says:

    They argued that one could dress like shit and still get girls.

    LOL, why would someone dress like shit and actually be proud about it? Of course you can get girls… you can probably get even some quality girls… but is gonna be thrice as hard…

    • Vangelis says:

      By the way, I think this phrase from the first post already summarize all that you say in this one :)

      And while looks don’t determine success by themselves, but they sure as hell give you a lot more flexibility and options

  3. Wyck says:

    Excellent framework.

    My story: I was once in the 2nd case you described, but it wasn’t a simple case of making an “excuse”. I had done everything I thought I could at the time, but I couldn’t understand why (nor could my friends), despite my ostensibly successful lifestyle, I couldn’t get into a serious relationship. It was only by working with professional counselors that I could resolve the courage bit.

    The thing I want to add is, most people will only need some practice to build up some courage. But a minority won’t. In fact, repeated “workshops” and “cold approaches” increase frustration, and tears down their supposed confidence level instead of increasing it. If you are in that situation, if you have serious social anxieties, it’s a sign that you haven’t “done everything you can” like you think you did; that getting more “game” will not do you good. Go get professional help.

    • Mark says:

      Yes, I’ve noticed there’s a certain threshold of confidence for any change to be possible and people with severe traumas in their past or major emotional blocks often fall below that threshold. Until they get that stuff handled, pick up doesn’t really do any good and as you said, can possibly even do harm.

  4. RickS says:

    A point about the email examples you gave: If you’re in the middle of making a big lifestyle change, that’s interesting. That’s exciting. That’s something you can talk to women about.

    I mean, think about it: Would you rather listen to some guy talk about his 9-5 job, or would you rather listen to someone talking how they quit their job and started studying medicine, or theater, or art history? Or how they volunteered for the Peace Corps or something else?

    Don’t let the fact that you’re making a lifestyle change stop you from meeting women. If you wait until you have the perfect life before trying to meet women, you’ll never meet anyone.

  5. David says:

    That’s pretty much summed up what my toughts are converging to theses days.

    Basically, I would always get a new excuse… and they would be related to one of theses 3 fundamentals… But the thing is that as soon as one of them is handled, then it would be another one (well, now I’m well dressed.. but I don’t know what to say)

    But, basically, I came to understand that I should start with what I’ve got and capitalize on what I’ve got going on rather than to wait until I’ll get where I actually want to be.

    Example : I maybe have about 20 pounds to lose.. then I could tell myself that I should wait to lose them before approaching women… but it’s only an excuse… Sure I might not be able to get all the girls that I could if I was slimmer, but they can wait, I’ll get there eventually…

    And it’s quite the same with everything, it’s accepting that you’re not perfect, but there’s things that you can do [in theses 3 fundamentals] right now, and some things that you could improve… and enjoying yourself in the process.

    And it’s about doing what you can do while improving yourself. Not waiting until your perfect to do something.

    Well, good article.

    • David says:

      oh! and to add to the example of loosing weight, actually taking steps toward doing it is actually rewarding, I mean… it’s maybe weird to say, but because I spend time taking care of my body, I feel that I deserve a woman who also does. Whereas if it’s been a while since I haven’t done any exercise, I don’t think that I really deserve them in some way….

      just to show that, you don’t need to have it perfectly to get some benefits out of handling theses things.

  6. Leo says:

    “Doesn’t matter if she’s a beauty pageant queen or a your dad’s Venezuelan housekeeper.”

    What? Haha! Why did you say that? Well, I HOPE it is a compliment to venezuelan women.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4K3l3u5sPY&feature=related

  7. Kim says:

    Ex-fearless escalator signing in. Tons of one night stands, nothing ever beyond that. One very high quality girl did date me for about a week, then dumped me because I was essentially a scumbag dickhead. Pretty funny in hindsight :)

  8. Pompeii says:

    I was and now am a recovering courage-o-holic. Don’t know what that was about. I guess I am so afraid of fear, that I want to eliminate it. Ironically, that causes more fear. Anyway, changing the focus to getting women instead of just approaching for the sake of approaching fixes that.

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