(06-10-2012 10:30 PM)Mark Wrote: Going to challenge a few assumptions here.
Quote:Because she led me on and made me like her before deciding she wasn’t interested in me.
She made you like her? Really? It was her choice for you to like her? Did she put a gun to your head or something? No, this is bullshit. You chose to like her. Why?
Ok you're right, I chose to like her. She didn't make me do anything. I chose to like her because I thought it was worth the risk. I took that responsibility upon myself. Having to accept the consequences of that was harder than I thought it would be. I still think it's wrong to lead someone on if you aren't interested in them, but you're right, I take that chance every time I put myself out there. I thought it was worth it before the decision, I still think it's worth it now. Ok.
(06-10-2012 10:30 PM)Mark Wrote:
Quote:Because I was really invested in her and because I felt like I had earned something that was being taken away from me.
What did you earn? Her attention? A moment of affection? Why do you feel a need to earn anything from anybody? Why is affection and investment from women something you need to earn? This doesn't sound like you earned anything, it sounds like you felt entitled to something because you put X amount of effort in and got nothing in return. An honest interaction is unconditional and expects nothing in return. An interaction where something is expected in return is needy and unattractive.
Again, I know you're right. I realise the idea of someone owing you something when they've made no real commitment is ridiculous. I felt like I had earned a commitment from her to continue feeling a certain way. Obviously I want that because I crave security. But it's not healthy to want that. Why do I want to earn it? Because I'm going in with the mindset of trying to get something I can hold onto and keep. I realise that's not healthy, and it's very needy. It's the mindset of someone who is trying to take, and not give. I'm trying to get deeper on that one and figure it out.
(06-10-2012 10:30 PM)Mark Wrote:
Quote:Why do I lack intimacy in my life with women? Why does it feel like such a rare thing?
Perhaps it's because you go after the women who are incapable of giving it to you. Perhaps you only feel comfortable trying to connect with women who treat you a certain way.
I'm not saying you should have the same values or preferences as me, but I met this girl, and there's a reason I walked away within seconds of meeting her. What she said aside (it was snarky and a bit rude), what it demonstrated to me on a deeper level is that she is not someone comfortable or capable connecting with other people easily. I decided a while ago that I don't have time for those kinds of people, especially women.
I think you're partly wrong on this one. I think I go for women who can give me that, but I think I'm asking for intimacy in an unhealthy way. As discussed above, I'm looking for an intimacy that I feel is not going to be taken from me. That could be either of the anxious or the avoidant attachment side of my personality I guess. Not wanting anything with a girl unless she can give me all the validation I need and as consistently as possible. But that's impossible obviously. A person can change their feelings at any time, and even if I knew they wouldn't, it's unhealthy to rely on the validation of any one person too much, particularly if we don't really meet each other's needs.
Maybe I do only feel comfortable trying to connect with women who treat me a certain way, but I don't know if we're thinking of the same type. What type are you talking about? Keep in mind that this first time I've had an experience exactly like this, so while some of what happened was continuing a trend, much of it was new.
I don't have the same ability to pick these traits in a woman off the bat as you do, so I missed that. Also, I was probably starting to idealize her by that stage, and might have been overlooking her flaws.
To be honest though, even if I could have sensed that, I don't think it would have changed the situation. I probably still would have tried to open her up, and still gone for her. I don't know exactly the best way to get past this. Maybe it's to just walk away from the situation each time it happens, and don't even let myself get started. Or maybe it's to get burned enough times that I just learn my lesson. Maybe it's to try connecting with other women who I'm less naturally inclined to try to connect with. I really don't know.
I'd like to say that I'd walk away from women who aren't willing to open up and connect, but I don't know if I would. Like I said, this situation hasn't exactly happened to me before. I think because I have a scarcity mentality with women, I'm willing to overlook things like this when I do find a girl I like. Obviously I need to deal with that. Either I need to change the women I'm meeting, or I need to change the way I interact with the women I'm currently meeting.