Great Post by the Rawness

[Creatine Dreams]

Just figured I would share this with you all. It is a long read, but well worth the time.

http://therawness.com/reader-letters-1-part-5/

[Matty]

I fucking love the rawness! I'm currently finishing up this article, and i've read all the others. Really robust work. Check out his "becoming a renaissance man" series. Like postmasculine, he actually gives a lot of really insightful principles that you can use. A lot of post PUA bullshit peddlers that dominate the internet today like to put out feel-goody, be-the-man trite like "evict your inner wussy", "all woman are emotional creatures and men are logical", and other such tidbits which may have small hints of truth to them, but are pretty fucking vague and useless otherwise. T actually gives some really unique and actionable advice, such as "become an expert on your own city", "procrastinate on things you enjoy" and "don't purchase prepackaged identity" (fake vintage shirts from The Gap, pre faded jeans you haven't done anything cool in to fade yourself, etc.)

[YMZ]

Really enjoyed this series - it's my first real exposure to personality disorders beyond traditionally clinical ones like OCD and bipolar disorder. I've always thought the formative years of my own behavior and personality were after I was 13 years old, when I could remember processing experiences. Now I'm beginning see the ways that experiences, both good and bad, from before that point in consciousness have shaped my tendencies. I'm an only child from a divorced family and was raised by my mother, so there's plenty of fodder there for thought. Digging up some of these buried or neglected experiences and truly EXPERIENCING them - empathizing with myself back then and today - has been a fulfilling experience, like I'm growing fully into myself.

I have one major sticking point with this article, and it lies in this quote:

"You are fine the way you are, and there's always room for improvement."

I believe this idea was also addressed in one of Mark's articles "The Zen Dilemma". Before I ask my question, I'd like to say that I do not consider the two halves of the above sentence to be mutually exclusive. Although the idea is still slightly muddy in my head, I can see how you can want self-improvement without deep shame and feelings of inadequacy. I just wanted to get that out of the way so we don't repeat too many things raised in the articles mentioned so far.

Now onto my concern. TheRawness talks a lot about false-selves, which are these identities that we adapt or aspire to in order to cover up/compensate for shame and inadequacies we once felt. My question is: how do you decide on goals and future selves while making sure you're authentic and not just creating another false-self?

I realize this is a loaded question and almost boils down to "how do I know myself". I suppose I'm having a hard time because my goals always been driven by external validation (getting into a good school to make parents proud, getting muscles to impress people, dressing well to show something about myself), and now I am having trouble sifting through activities in my life that are truly internally driven. After all, how much of bench-pressing 315 pounds is for your own confidence and how much is to impress your buddies? How much of dressing better is to express your personality and how much is the reactions you hope to get? While I understand that some external validation is normal in day to day life, I feel like I am trying extra hard to be internally driven because I now realize how much of my behaviors I did not choose growing up - I am now overcompensating of sorts.

[Salaam]

(04-15-2012 05:30 PM)YMZ Wrote:  My question is: how do you decide on goals and future selves while making sure you're authentic and not just creating another false-self?

You do this by examining and being truly self-aware of your motivations for the actions and goals you undertake. For example, are you being driven by the validation of your peers to bench press 315lbs or are you choosing to lift that out of a value for self-improvement and expanding your boundaries?

Its fine to feel good by the validation of others, but it shouldn't be your reason/motivation for doing a thing.

[CharlesB]

(04-16-2012 08:39 PM)Salaam Wrote:  

(04-15-2012 05:30 PM)YMZ Wrote:  My question is: how do you decide on goals and future selves while making sure you're authentic and not just creating another false-self?

Its fine to feel good by the validation of others, but it shouldn't be your reason/motivation for doing a thing.

My view on this is slightly different.
How could be these two separated?(Feel good and no motivation) . Whether you were fat and you loose weight , or you want to improve at some skill , the validation that you will get from others could be a good motivation . Is that feeling that your efforts are being recognized . And it works pretty much the way Mark described in "Do something principle".
If your skill you want to improve is to learn some language , (and you use efficient methods , no Pilmseur and Rosseta stone) , and you speak with natives complimenting you and impressed how fast you learn it is one of the best motivators to continue to do what you are doing. If no one seems to care I mean really it will be more boring for you .
One thing that I like to Mark's approach is that with his "method" amplifying your own interests ,works on your own benefit ,while with P-U approach despite the "value" you were supposed to show , I always had the feeling that my interests and hobbies are preventing me from social skills.
But yes if impressing others it's the only motivator I can see how unhealthy this could be, and my answer to YMZ's question is that if you have genuine interest at something , you will feel it. You will dream about it, you will think (and even get obsessed ) about it, you will enjoy the slight progress you make , and you will get frustrated often.
But if it's genuine it will always come back at some point.