Need to share some thoughts - Printable Version
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Need to share some thoughts - NakedAndFamous - 03-11-2012 04:01 PM
Well, not all to sure we're im going with this, so there might be a bright mix of topics, but just writing about it usually helps..
Little backgroundstory about me: Got into this stuff when i've got rejected harshly by a girl at age 16. My brother bought "The Game" 1 month or so after, and I borrowed it and got to some Pickup sites.
Actually, my results got better quite fast just by sorting some of my crazy believes about women out. I was repelled by most PUA-Stuff however, so i didn't turn into a "social robot".
However, most of my encounters with women very really shallow and didn't go much further than making-out while being drunk. So my confidence wasn't really build on a strong fundament. When i was out with friends drinking, i was doing quite well, but the next morning most of those attractive behaviours vanished and i've had trouble with very low selfesteem.
This continued for a year or so until i've found Mark's old blog, (entropypua) and i've started rebuilding my fundamentals at a fairly young age, while i was still 18. So I started working out, traveling, eating healthy, reading more books&fashion advice etc. I've also found some really close friends in this period of time.
While i'm proud of all the changes i've made in the last 2 years, i've still some concerns regarding women. Its hard to describe.. but its just very difficult for me to build strong emotional connections with women.
Most of my friends went trough at least 1 serious relationship in the last years. And im just starting to feel like i've missed out on that experience.
Looking back, i've never really been crazy about any women i've met in the last 3-4 years, even the girl that was the reason for getting into PU wasn't that special to me. Even girls that i've slept with and found phisically attractive.
I rationalized this issue time and time again. Mostly my solution was this: I live in a small town, so its not like i have the possibility to meet attractive, interesting woman around my age any week.
But recent events changed that thought.
I've met a nice girl last month, and in a nutshell she's most of the things i'm looking for in a girlfriend. But one day as i laid beside her in bed and looked into her eyes i just didn't feel anything. Things just got worse from there. Anytime we met i would've rather been hanging out with my friends. Even tough she was extremely cute and understanding all the time.
I'm just very confused right now. Basically, i'd love to be in a comitted relationship with a girl i really like. But i don't know if i just have to high expectations or if i'm just avoiding comittment because i fear opening up and showing myself vulnerable.
Thanks for reading through this messy text, and i'm hoping someone could share his experiences and thoughts about this.
RE: Need to share some thoughts - Zac - 03-11-2012 05:30 PM
Well, do you fear opening up and showing yourself vulnerable? If you do I think that will have a significant impact on how deep your relationships end up going and how invested you are with the women in your life.
I think if you think you might be having trouble with being vulnerable and opening up there is a good chance you do.
I hope typing all of this out made you feel a little better.
Could you talk more about why you might feel as though you are having trouble being vulnerable? What types of behavior in your relationships do you think might be a result of that that trouble?
RE: Need to share some thoughts - NakedAndFamous - 03-12-2012 12:55 PM
well, yeah i do fear opening up. Everbody does.. but its not like i dont understand the topic of vulnerability to a certain degree. i do share personal issues that bother me with friends and family.
My problem is that after the excitement and novelty of the first dates passes, i dont really enjoy hanging out with these girls anymore. So i avoided them because i was rather meeting up with friends.
And its not like these girls were crazy or emotionally damaged..
and that just makes me think, i mean i am still young and things can change really fast. But how am i supposed to settle with a women when i cant even hold up my interest over a couple of months?
RE: Need to share some thoughts - Zac - 03-12-2012 02:10 PM
I don't think you are supposed to settle with a women you don't have any interest in over a few months.
I was just wondering how close you allow yourself to get with them.
Also, how much time do you spend with them? Is is like every day for a few months or is it spread out well?
RE: Need to share some thoughts - Mark - 03-12-2012 02:16 PM
How old are you now? 18? 19?
Because this isn't that uncommon at your age. I mean, chances are you do have some issues with opening up and experiencing your emotions, but a lot of people do at your age. Chances are the girls you're meeting aren't exactly great at opening up and sharing themselves either, which doesn't help matters. Only piece of advice I'd give you is if you find a cool girl, keep seeing her for a while longer despite not feeling anything. Don't enter a relationship obviously, but hook up and have sex with the same girl for a few months if you can. A lot of times, it just takes young guys like you a lot longer to open up the first time. It's like anything, if you haven't done it before, then it's very hard and takes a while. Once you've done it a few times, then it gets easier.
Keep working on this, but I don't think this is anything to be too worried about. If you're 29 and still haven't had a girlfriend or found a girl you fell for, then we would start to worry.
Also, there's a difference between a girl being compatible with you and a girl having chemistry with you:
RE: Need to share some thoughts - NakedAndFamous - 03-13-2012 06:45 AM
@Zac, usually once per week.
@Mark, i just turned 20
Good timing on your post Mark, was planning on "breaking up" with a girl ive dated. But then i read your post and told myself just to be honest with her and see where it goes. Went well, i told her that i like beeing with her but at the moment i just dont want to commit to anythin serious, mainly because im going to travel in some months and wanting to enjoy myself without any baf thoughts. And if she didnt want to continue like that, i totally respect it. even tough she was someehat disappointed, she told me that she liked my honesty and she would rather see me on an unregular basis than not at all.
well, definately a breakthrough for me.
RE: Need to share some thoughts - Andy - 03-13-2012 12:22 PM
Does this mean I should start worrying?
RE: Need to share some thoughts - Mark - 03-13-2012 02:12 PM
(03-13-2012 12:22 PM)Andy Wrote:
Depends, why haven't you had a girlfriend? If you've dated a lot of women and simply never felt anything for them, then yes, there's probably something deeper going on.
RE: Need to share some thoughts - Andy - 03-13-2012 04:59 PM
(03-13-2012 02:12 PM)Mark Wrote:(03-13-2012 12:22 PM)Andy Wrote:
OK that's what you were referring to... No my situation isn't like that at all (not having any feelings for the women I meet).
Regarding the "why haven't I had a girlfriend" question. I've thought about this myself a few times, writing it down would require a separate forum thread tho In a nutshell the main reasons are 1) fear and 2) wasting my life between ages 20-25. Or at least focusing on things other than women, like school/career. Basically I repeatedly kept putting dating on the backburner, obviously not a good idea.
RE: Need to share some thoughts - Mark - 03-13-2012 05:12 PM
Yeah... but again, not totally uncommon. You're a "late-bloomer." See this post:
RE: Need to share some thoughts - Andy - 03-13-2012 09:49 PM
Haha read that post. Late-bloomer sounds about right. I can relate very well to the guys in category #2