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Abundance Mentality Pitfall? - trader4life - 02-06-2012 05:28 PM
I know Mark has written about the Abundance Mentality Paradox, but I think this is a bit different; specifically having this as a part of your beliefs when you are actually in a relationship. Now before I get started I know the common response might be to say that “the girls (women) are likely insecure” but I do not think that is always the case. Basically what I am dealing with is in two relationships in the last two years and with a handful of “dating exclusively” scenarios I am finding that having an abundance mentality when I am semi-serious with a woman is creating issues. I think we have all been there where a girl likes you (maybe a lot or even has professed her love) and you like her quite a bit too, but she will directly or indirectly ask things along the lines of how would you feel if you “lost her” or something of that nature.
When I have found myself in these situations I am always honest, maybe even brutally, and will answer with something like “well, if things didn’t work out we would both be fine, as we both have a lot to offer someone.” Or even when just having general relationship conversations and the subject of cheating comes up and I often say something like “I don’t worry about a girl cheating on me because that is just a sign that she is not the right one and I know that just means that something better likely lies in my future.”
Now I know things like this might sound kinda dickish, or like I am trying to be aloof in these situations, but it really is how I feel now – not just with women either but pretty much every aspect of my life. Again, I am not doing this intentionally to get a reaction, but rather, it is really how and I feel and I am being genuine and honest. Most always the reaction might not come right away in the form of her being overly upset, but their body language says it all and it invariably results in a conversation about it (if not then) at some point in the near future. I think it creates a lot of attraction, but is making them somewhat guarded and in extreme cases to start acting needy (yes, insecure). I’ve even said things in a total sarcastic way (which is my normal personality) like “I would be crushed and destroyed and would likely never recover.” All while smiling. Again, not to be a dick but just to keep things light in nature if I feel it is too heavy of a conversation.
I sometimes feel like this is a good problem to have, but then again it is not the most pleasant thing to deal with.
I am curious what some of you guys that are really good think on this or to hear your experiences if you have anything similar.
Abundance Mentality Pitfall? - Alvar - 02-06-2012 07:25 PM
Quote:will answer with something like “well, if things didn’t work out we would both be fine, as we both have a lot to offer someone.”
The "correct" answer, if this is someone that you are involved emotionally, would be "It would be painful for a while but we both would end up fine." Perhaps I am just projecting, but it looks like as if you do not make yourself vulnerable to these girls; as if she would leave there wouldn't be much of a loss, because you're safeguarding yourself against the pain of the break up. Or maybe you're afraid of intimacy (I am.) There are probably great things about these relationships but you need to allow yourself to go down that path and make yourself vulnerable, and yes, willing to feel the pain.
Not that I have much experience myself, I've never really been able to get there.
Abundance Mentality Pitfall? - Ecstasy - 02-06-2012 08:53 PM
I can relate to your dilemma, trader. I think your responses are appropriate. That said, the way you are saying them may be coming off as too nonchalant, like you don't care about her. At any rate this is likely the way she's interpreting it if she keeps giving flak for it. My response for the break up question, for example, would be "It'll hurt like f****ing hell, and it'll take a good amount of time before I bounce back up. But I will be able to bounce back." When she's asking you these kinds of questions, she's probing to see your level of emotional investment in her. So answer honestly. Girls are insecure, and the relationship is often more important to her than to you.
Also be aware of the context of the conversation, if she is asking you very seriously, injecting humor or "cocky/funny" at the moment is not the best choice. Save it for normal or playful moments.
*Note: what I just said applies if you are looking to keep the girl. If you just want to play the field, and keep the relationship casual...then that's bit of a different story.
Hope this helps.
Abundance Mentality Pitfall? - Mark - 02-06-2012 09:01 PM
You're answering a question she's not asking you.
If she were asking, "How do you think your future would be if we broke up?" then answering, "I think we'd be fine and we both have a lot to offer someone," would be appropriate.
What she's asking is, "How would you FEEL if we broke up?" or to put it in even more plain terms: "Would you be sad if we broke up?" I'm going to assume that the answer is yes, you'd be very upset if you broke up with her. Because if it's not, you should not be dating them.
So yes, you are avoiding her question, and being aloof, and a bit of a dick. She's looking for confirmation that you value her and appreciate her. And you're basically telling her the opposite. You can maintain an abundance mentality while still valuing and appreciating the woman you're with. These things are not mutually exclusive. I regularly told my ex-girlfriend when I was with her how much I valued her and loved her. I also made it clear that I didn't believe she was the only girl I could love and that if we broke up, it would suck and I would be depressed, but I would eventually find someone else.