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How do you find motivation - nonsense - 02-04-2012 03:42 AM
Hey guys!
Please, excuse the drunken rant that's following!
Here's the thing, I'm still very much work in progress. I'm getting over a break-up, I'm dealing with my issues and self-esteem. Here's where, I guess, I should say I'm pretty average in every conceivable aspect. The only thing about me that's somewhat extraordinary (or, at least above average) is my brain. So, that's me - a geekish dude with a number of insecurities.
I recognize that. Thanks to Practical Pickup and PostMasculine I started getting my life in order. I'm seeing a therapist, I'm working hard to change my mindsets and thought patterns. I jumped out of a fucking airplane. I've had some limited success with girls. I've even had girls approach me in bars, but I've always blown it - my mind always thought it's not possible for a girl to like me and just come up to me. I have a small number of approaches with either polite blowouts or dead-end conversations.
And we get to tonight. Me and my flatmate went to a party. We had fun and stuff, it was cool. But we kind of went for the same girl. He's a good looking, confident dude. I guesss the PUA community would label him a natural. He's outgoing and secure, and doesn't care much about rejection. We both had great fun with the same girl. But he mostly danced with her, and I mostly talked with her. We (me and her) took a walk together, we laughed at my jokes, we spoke about life and stuff, we shared, and I was completely open and honest to her. But here I am writing this, and my friend is still at the parrty dancing with her.
I guess what I'm getting at is this. I realise the cynisism of it all, so pardon that. I will not stop trying to improve and better my lifestyle. But... I've (kinda) lost hope. I feel like it would be easier to just work hard, become fairly rich and successful and just go for nice and classy call-girls. I feel like what I'm doing doesn't change anything. I'm in the same situation that I've been in forever. I look better than ever, but not good enough, it would appear. The changes I've made amount to shit apparently. My question I guess is what do you think I'm doing wrong? Where do you guys look for motivation when everything is kind of in place, but nothing's working out? It just feels that my work has had no effect at all. It's kind of disappointing. (In all fairness, my life seems pretty cool on paper, but not a thing has changed in my interactions with people). What do you do when you feel like fucking giving up?
Cheers!
How do you find motivation - hiphoppotamus - 02-04-2012 05:06 AM
Travel. Alone. For a few weeks.
Also, may I direct you to this thread - http://postmasculine.com/forum/showthread.php?759-The-No-More-Porn-Thread
How do you find motivation - Tim - 02-05-2012 02:03 AM
If everything on the outside is supposed to be right, and things still aren't working, then it's almost definitely an internal issue.
This is all about self-esteem and where you're getting it from in your life. You comparing yourself to your friend, your life seeming cooler to others, but not to you, etc. Seems like you think that because your life looks a certain way that it should make you feel a certain way.
You need to find out what truly motivates or pulls you, because I think right now you're basing what you do on preconceived notions of what should make you happy.
There's no one best way to figure this out, but I'd recommend your action comes from an area of your life that has nothing to do with women, because right now your actions and beliefs in that area aren't being directed by your most honest desires. If you're trying to hook up with women because you hope it will give you confidence or happiness, then it's very difficult to interact with them in a way that doesn't communicate that, and then sabotage you further. Sometimes meeting a girl who you really like will help with that, because the pull of your attraction and compatibility with her will lesson some of your neuroses or needy behaviours, but you can't force that to happen, so it's not a good place to start.
Travel can be quite helpful. Go somewhere that you've always wanted to go, with a few ideas of things you'd really like to do, and then do it yourself. If it's spending hours in museums then that's fine. Same with surfing, or staying in a hostel and partying for nights on end, or whatever. The point is that you want to do it, regardless of whether you think anyone else will think it cool or approve of it.
Mark recommends taking up a hobby or activity for the same reasons. Just make sure it's something that you really want to do, because you're doing it to get in touch with your true ambitions and desires. It's ok if you're also doing it for reasons that are seeking approval or whatever; that happens to all of us. I love working out and going to the gym, but I still want six-pack abs so I look good topless. The important thing is that you focus more and more on enjoying the actual activity than what anyone else thinks about it. I enjoy the actual process of pushing myself in the gym and kicking my own arse. I seriously love it when I finish doing chin-ups and my whole body is killing me with pain. It wasn't like that when I started. And now I would go the gym even if I was never going to get a six-pack or even gain more muscle. Over time you can make it the same with whatever you decide to do.
Wayne Dyer wrote a great book called 'Pulling your own strings'. The basic premise is that to overcome the power other people have in your life, through guilt, bullying, etc, you have to learn to find things that give you the power to say no to those people and their tactics. It's the same with your own motivation. Find the things that will give you the power to say no to the negative impulses and neuroses that hold you back.
How do you find motivation - Edmond Dantès - 02-05-2012 11:23 PM
Your post is really interesting and worth commenting on
Let me share my best possible thoughts with you.@Tim, great post. Liked it.
But first of all let me congratulate you to your success. Jumping out of an airplane is something I'd love to do in the future and you should give yourself the credit for doing it. Pretty awesome man.
You also said you broke up with a girl, so you had a relationship with a girl you liked. That's great as well. You're taking responsability for your life, fixing your self-esteem and emotional issues. I got my self-esteem issue handled as well and am still struggling with getting rid of some emotional issues I have, so I know how hard this is and how much energy and dedication it requires. You wrote that you're quite intelligent. Also cool. Respect to all of that.
Now what wonders me is that you just wrote in a few sentences awesome stuff about yourself but you still see yourself in a very negative light.
Why do you see yourself so badly? Really ask yourself this question and go deep as you do it. My guess is that it's still an after-effect of low self-esteem (not truly loving yourself, missing self-acceptance) and coming from a negative, pessimistic mindset.
Quote:my mind always thought it's not possible for a girl to like me and just come up to me.Here goes the alarm off to me as I'm reading it. Why? Read the sentence above.
Limiting Belief 1: Girls cannot be attracted to me
Limiting Belief 2: I'm not worthy being loved/liked
Listen. Your belief system/mindset doesn't adapt to your reality. Your reality adapts to your belief systems and negative beliefs can block a certain outcome that would be naturally possible without you thinking these beliefs to be true. If you can remove your negative beliefs, your reality changes and with that the options and possibilites of situations you can experience expand. Situations you can take action on and get the outcome you desire.
So my guess is that your not doing bad with women, but that these beliefs heavily affect your mindset, by that your actions that do not lead to the desired result and by that your happiness or in this point unhappiness in life.
What I've discovered is that happiness has to come from within you. You can't become happy in the longrun from external factors. It has to come from within you. And you can start achieving this by a few things, for example:
-cultivate gratefulness
-living a social life
-going after what you want in live
and so on.
There are several factors. I'm no expert in this topic nor qualified to talk very detailed about it, but I recommend you to think about stuff that makes you happy. Not what society, your parents, friends or some other people tell you, but what makes you happy. You can just accomplish that by getting to know yourself better.
Who are you?
What do you want to experience in your life?
What hobbies, interests do you want to pursue?
What kind of job do you want to have?
What are you passionate about?
What inspires, motivates you?
You better start asking yourself these question, because time is running out and you better have a plan where you wanna go in your life, what you proactively, conciously want to experience and create in your life.
People who say they can't get motivated or don't know how to get motivated usually didn't spend enough time thinking about what they want. (My experience)
How do you find motivation - nonsense - 02-06-2012 06:44 PM
Hey guys!
Thanks for the great replies! Unfortunately, travelling is out of the question for the next couple of months, but it's definitely something I'm going to do in the future. I did the no-PMO thing for a month, but relapsed. I'm now back at it, though.
I think the sources of my frustration are two.
(1) My inability to just accept myself and be happy. I try and do stuff I like or have always wanted to do. I like to challenge myself. I don't do things, because they would make me look a certain way, but the satisfaction I get seems to be temporary. I think there is a very twisted kind of competitiveness about me - I view myself in a binary way. If I'm not the funniest man on the planet, then I'm not funny. If I'm not the best looking, then I'm not good looking at all. (I should note that I realise how ridiculous this sounds and I think this view is the cause of my self-esteem issues and most my troubles)
(2) Lack of results. The issue here is that I'm not extremely bad - I can hold a decent conversation, I'm playful and can make (some) girls laugh as much as I want (I try not to overdo it). But I can't seem to take things much further. I somehow blow it even with girls that I can see are attracted to me. I think my problem in this area is lack of aggressiveness (in the physical sense). I'm trying to work on that, but I feel somewhat awkward at times.
I guess you're right, Tim, when you say that I'm looking for girls to bring happiness in my life. Thing is, I love women and I love having them in my life. I like everything about them, I like talking to them, I like laughing with them, I like flirting with them, I like helping them and I like them helping me. Is it needy or wrong if women are part of my idea of happiness? I have to say that I try not to let it show in my interactions and I am realistic - I don't approach girls with the idea that they'd be "the one". I just want female presence in my life.
And also, it's not like I don't have motivation at all, it's just that for me it's kind of like fuel, and I seem to be running out since I've had no positive experiences to replenish it in a long time. Perhaps it's the ability to keep going when there's nothing there to help/make you go that ultimately determines your level of success, but I want to be careful when channelling all my energy in a certain direction.
I just wanted to thank you guys for the replies, they really made me reflect and discover things about me. I feel a bit odd, because I don't think I'm able to answer all the questions that Edmond posted. My therapist tells me that not knowing and being confused is okay and normal, but this is something else I have a hard time accepting.
Cheers,
S.