Guys are stupid (and approach anxiety) - Printable Version
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Guys are stupid (and approach anxiety) - Chaos - 02-01-2012 03:57 PM
I know there are a lot of theories about why we have approach anxiety, but I wanted to add mine because I get so mad every time I see it that makes me wanna kill the guy.
The plain fact, for me, is that we guys are stupid, plainly stupid, that's it. While girls are supportive among them and tend to encourage one another, the usual behavior in guys is the opposite. See if you can identify with this situation:
You are in a pub/club/coffee shop with a couple of fiends, say you're 16. You see a pretty girl that you know from school and decide to flirt with her. You're nervous and tell your friends that you like her and are going to talk to her. So you approach, and then there're two scenarios:
a) Everything goes well. She likes you, you both seem to enjoy the conversation and maybe a week or two later you ask her out, make out and maybe about 1 month later you grab your first boob. When you go back to your friends everyone is amazed, they congrat you and they want to know about everything. You brag a little bit, even though you aren't really sure about what you did and you become a leader among your friends.
Later on in your life you experience a little more success. You're on the way to a natural... confidence is automatic since most of the times girls feel attracted to you as experience has demostrated before so you're not affected by the outcome.
b) Eveything goes to hell. Something goes wrong and she ends up rejecting you. Doesn't matter if it's a polite rejection or a hursh one... it hurts so you go back to your friends with your ego hurt and your tail between your legs... What does happens when you get back? A little support and comfort maybe?... Of course not, all your friends laught at you... they feel envy and will hide it by mocking at you for your lack of success (notice women almost NEVER do that)...
Later on in your life you are confronted with the situation again... and then not only you do remember how much (or little) did the rejection actually hurt, but specially you're really aware of how bad the situation will be with your friends if you "fail"... you recall the mocking and laughing and then, even if you approach you're not even thinking about the girl or the possible rejection... you're actually thinking about the reaction of your "friends" if she rejects you... so your approach is ankward and soft.
You're on your way to become really ankward with chicks and either end up with the first girl that wants you or into the PUA community (or neither)...
So basically, yeah, there might be a bunch of biological reasons but quite frankly I think we do this to ourselves during our childhood...
Guys are stupid (and approach anxiety) - Tobias - 02-01-2012 04:13 PM
I agree: woman are more supportive among friends and less competitive than men. If you are a guy, and you are not "banging a lot of chicks", what are you doing? You must be a loser. There is a book called Manhood in the Making: Cultural Concepts of Masculinity that deals with the fact that men have to actively prove their masculinity more so than women have to prove their feminity which is rather passive. Then, there is the problem of having friends who do not respect you independent of your gender. They are not really friends.
What I find more stupid is that guys always think that dominance or confidence are what attract women. I am going to be the dissenting voice here. Thinking that dominance is key means you are over estimating how much you can control with your power. Mark's ideas are more accurate in my opinion: it all revolves around vulnerability, honesty and chemistry also known as the "treasure hunt."
Guys are stupid (and approach anxiety) - crazyhorse - 02-01-2012 04:24 PM
I think this depends more on your guy friends. I know that it can be nerve wrecking to approach a hot girl and I'm definetly not going to make fun (in a hurting) way of my friends if they get rejected. I mean we all get rejected from time to time.
Women being more supportive among friends? I don't know about that. Women are very competitive with each other, it's just that there are less overt about their competitiveness. When two guys are competing with each other, you'll know.
Actually in my high school it were always the women who were having arguments with each other. One time the principal came in to the classroom to tell the girls that they had to get along.
So I don't agree with your post.
Guys are stupid (and approach anxiety) - Chaos - 02-01-2012 04:29 PM
Crazyhorse I mean it not as a general rule for every situation but centered on emotional and dating development and reactions during childhood... thus the 16 years example...
And while the specific example is less frequent when you grow up it still happens a lot of times (mostly outside the community).
Guys are stupid (and approach anxiety) - crazyhorse - 02-01-2012 04:32 PM
Chaos Wrote:Crazyhorse I mean it not as a general rule for every situation but centered on emotional and dating development and reactions during childhood... thus the 16 years example...
Yeah but come on, during childhood.... When I was 16, my idea of a great night was how quickly I could get drunk. The point being that the ones that are laughing with you are just as insecure as you are.
Actually guys who arn't experienced or proactive will usually laugh with you, guys who have been rejected will just let it go. They can always tease you about it, but that's what friends you.
Guys are stupid (and approach anxiety) - Leo - 02-02-2012 03:43 AM
Chaos, that's what I call over-analysis. You feel anxiety because you are not present and YES! you imagine something bad is gonna happen in the future. Have you read the book: The Power of Now?
When you approach a girl that you don't like you don't feel anxious because you don't think anything bad is gonna happen, or even if it happens you don't give a shit.
Guys are stupid (and approach anxiety) - Alvar - 02-03-2012 12:33 AM
I think this is just the way we guys are wired. We are competitive and want to push ourselves up on the totem pole. Or to bring down others when we feel insecure and do not want to be challenged.
This is actually something that changed in my life after I started improving my communication skills and inner game. I stop reacting to this kind of stuff and most of the guys around me stop using on me. The few others are out of my life, for the most part. When I go out I only hang with guys that will support me and my friends. I've even had a girl tell me that my friends "really like you".
The sad thing is that I had to be over 30 to learn it. Some kids learn it instinctively and can be pretty secure on their identities while growing up and thus they do not have their friends talk them down.
As for girls, they've probably have it much harder than us. Just saying...