the urge to impress other people...

[burbz]

...I'm having a hard time with this. It's gotten better over the years but I'm pretty bad about it. If I daydream about dating a hot chick, I daydream mostly about showing her off than actually enjoying her intrinsically (sex or having fun). I realized that this weekend and that is when I realized I had a problem.

This seems like something that goes away with age. But I'd like to do something about it now.

Any ideas on how to deal with this?

[Scott]

It doesn't go away with age if you never get rid of the motivations behind it.

It sounds like you just want to be perceived as powerful, because I'm betting you feel powerless right now. But in reality, you'll be MORE powerful if you get rid of this urge, because it stems from insecurity. You have to work on minimizing or eliminating the insecure part of yourself that says you need to impress people.

The other part about learning to enjoy women...have you been with many (or any) women? Have you enjoyed any of those experiences, or were you more concerned with how others would perceive her?

[Aidan]

I found my self doing this a while back. I would go home with a girl, wind her up, then just watch TV and not sleep with her so that I could laugh about it with my mates later. (I know, what a dick. I am over this phase.)

The best way I found to deal with it was to actively NOT tell people about stuff. If I got laid, or something similar, I would keep it to myself, just to see how I felt about it without one of my buddies high-fiving me. It was quite eye-opening to be honest, and really helped me take things back to "What do I want?"

[FirstAidKit]

"Do not attempt to live without vanity, for that is impossible, but choose the right audience from which to seek admiration" - Bertrand Russell

[IdEngager]

(05-07-2013 06:10 PM)Aidan Wrote:  The best way I found to deal with it was to actively NOT tell people about stuff. If I got laid, or something similar, I would keep it to myself, just to see how I felt about it without one of my buddies high-fiving me. It was quite eye-opening to be honest, and really helped me take things back to "What do I want?"

In my anecdotal experience, this is true for me as well. I find pretty much as soon as I tell someone else about some big plan I've been working on, my motivation to actually follow through with it decreases dramatically. You would think that holding yourself accountable to actually follow through would help, but unless that person is directly dependent on you finishing it, they can't really hold you accountable for it and you're already getting that bit of social satisfaction you get from telling someone about it.

These days I try and tell as few people as possible when I'm working on something new, that way when you do reveal what you've done, you can leave a good first impression!

[burbz]

"It sounds like you just want to be perceived as powerful, because I'm betting you feel powerless right now. But in reality, you'll be MORE powerful if you get rid of this urge, because it stems from insecurity. You have to work on minimizing or eliminating the insecure part of yourself that says you need to impress people."

Scott you hit the nail on the head. I feel powerless. But what can I do minimize or eliminate the insecure part? Are there exercises I can do?

[Dalaran1991]

(05-07-2013 06:10 PM)Aidan Wrote:  I found my self doing this a while back. I would go home with a girl, wind her up, then just watch TV and not sleep with her so that I could laugh about it with my mates later. (I know, what a dick. I am over this phase.)

The best way I found to deal with it was to actively NOT tell people about stuff. If I got laid, or something similar, I would keep it to myself, just to see how I felt about it without one of my buddies high-fiving me. It was quite eye-opening to be honest, and really helped me take things back to "What do I want?"

It's funny, I have the exact opposite problem to yours and the OP's. I never, ever talk about laying a girl with my buddies. It feels like I'm committing a crime going on a date. Being raised in a Vietnamese culture that enforces sexual shame and gossiping, talking about sleeping or being with women give you the equivalent of being called a slut here, even if you are a man.

Now that I can learn from it, this is a mindset that might be helpful to you: Your sexual experience with a girl is your business and her business alone, and nobody else.

I've found that talking with friends, even best friends about this kind of thing INEVITABLY spread rumors. You might not give a damn about rumors, but what if she does? Don't kid yourself, having your friend talk about your sexual conquest/failure will lead to some really awkward situation. Not to mention that it objectifies the girl.

I have one wingman that I trust, but even he doesn't get to know the details. Try keeping things to yourself if you can.

[Scott]

(05-08-2013 02:26 AM)burbz Wrote:  "It sounds like you just want to be perceived as powerful, because I'm betting you feel powerless right now. But in reality, you'll be MORE powerful if you get rid of this urge, because it stems from insecurity. You have to work on minimizing or eliminating the insecure part of yourself that says you need to impress people."

Scott you hit the nail on the head. I feel powerless. But what can I do minimize or eliminate the insecure part? Are there exercises I can do?

I don't know if it requires 'exercises' per se...just google around on advice for eliminating insecurities. And Mark's book "Models" (as well as his blog posts) may be beneficial to you.

These insecurities are likely present in most people; it's just that it's far worse for some. I can relate to this. And there's no quick fix to this type of problem. You usually need to seek experiences and gain a wealth of knowledge and understanding, just in life in general, to tackle complex psychological issues like this. And yes, you need to put yourself in positions where you can fail and then learn from it.

It's not easy...I struggle with it myself. But I know this is the path to take, if you can muster the courage. Trying to just think your way out of it will only have limited benefits; taking actions and doing things that scare you are really the best solutions. That's how you become powerful.

[Creatine Dreams]

Yeah, I have this problem.

I dated a girl for a little while who was pretty attractive.

But the truth of the matter is that while I was actually with her, I sometimes got bored. I liked having sex with her, but her interest level in me was way higher at the time then mine was regarding her. As her interest level went down, mine went up. Eventually, it ended.

Now, after it ended she would sometimes come up in conversation. And when she did, people would say, "wow, you used to date her? she is really cute." And I liked that feeling, even more than the actual time I spent with her.

Eventually, I would try to subtly bring up the fact that I slept with her in conversation just so I could get that validation from other people. This was a pretty unhealthy behavior to be engaged in.

While she looked good with clothes on, she was a little older and her boobs were sort of saggy. Of course, I did not mention this to people.

In fact sometimes, I fool myself. If I occassionally happen to glance at a photo of her (which I try to avoid at all costs), I fail to remember her short comings. She is very photogenic which makes it easy.

But she is emotionally unstable and her body is not what it once was. Plus, she was pretty disrespectful to me in the past. All of these things make it clear to me that I should really stop using an idea that other people have of her to prop up my self esteem and receive validation from people in ways that are inappropriate.

So in short, follow the advice that Aiden laid out.

"The best way I found to deal with it was to actively NOT tell people about stuff. If I got laid, or something similar, I would keep it to myself, just to see how I felt about it without one of my buddies high-fiving me. It was quite eye-opening to be honest, and really helped me take things back to "What do I want?"

This advice is golden.

[dankok8]

I have this to an extent and most people out there unless they are sociopaths have a need to look good in front of others. There is a point where it becomes unhealthy though. I got over this by basically not even talking about my private life (i.e. which girls I fuck) to my friends unless it's appropriate or they ask. You have to consider your motivation. Are you telling them or are you bragging?

It comes back to intention.