finding interesting things about girls\people

[kingme]

how do you find things about people that make them interesting to you? i read something from mark once about how he was dissatisfied with the women he was seeing because they didn't seem that interesting and then he realized it was his job, not theirs, to find their interesting side and then people started becoming much more interesting to him.

any tips on doing this? i have a hard time with most people finding something interesting about them. not that i think most people are boring, but i'd say more like neutral. but my problem with neutral is that, even if im super comfortable around them, i find i'd rather be by myself than out with them. and this is probably because i havent dug deep enough to find something compelling about them. whenever i hang out with someone i do try and keep the conversation about them to get to know them better, but i've never gotten to the point where someone who wasnt immediately interesting to me ever became interesting, so i feel like i have a lot of work to do in the area but i feel somewhat lost in how to work on this.

edit: i should also say, there are people i see and am so impressed with that i want to get to know them. i am not like someone who doesn't like people in general, lol. one problem is though that when someone makes such an impression on me, i get intimidated and it's hard to be myself. so i'm working on my social skills and such so that i can handle meeting people that immediately interest me. and i feel like i have to hang out with normal people first to develop those skills, like going through the minor leagues or something? when i write it like that it almost makes me think, maybe i should just look for people that interest me from the get go? but i feel like thats also kind of ignoring this problem i have of getting interested in normal people and immediately interesting people aren't really that easy to find.

edit2: ha okay, my head is doing circles now. i just remembered this idea that like, one way you get people interested in you is by you getting interested in them, i think this is from dale carnegie's book. and i realized, there are things i am so dying to talk about and if someone allowed me to talk about it, i'd probably like find them super interesting lol. and since i think ultimately what i want is to meet people\women that are immediately compelling to me, the skill of being able to get interested in someone enough to get them talking about things they really want to talk about which would endear them to me is something that i really need to learn. maybe that clears up what i'm asking about?

like one thing i realize is that you kind of need to earn the right to get deep in the first place, right? like if someone came up to me on the street and knew exactly what i wanted to talk about, i probably wouldn't want to talk about it with them cause they are just some random stranger i don't know. so maybe it's like two pronged or something? getting to know them enough that they'll open up and then getting them to open up? i dunno

[Chaos]

It's not my job to find people interesting nor to make an effort to find them interesting. If someone is interesting I tend to hang out more with him or her, if he's not then we we won't hang out much, that simple.

Of course you have to give people time to show usually you get a vibe. I just don't hang out with people that don't transmit me that "interesting" vibe. That doesn't mean having wonderful adventures or doing magic tricks (although that's always cool ), but things like interesting conversation, similar hobbies and interests and stuff like that.

Quote:i should also say, there are people i see and am so impressed with that i want to get to know them. i am not like someone who doesn't like people in general, lol. one problem is though that when someone makes such an impression on me, i get intimidated and it's hard to be myself.

Sounds like you hang out with people that are NOT interesting because you're intimidated by the people who is interesting... Stop trying to find something interesting in them, it's not your job, hang out with the other guys... and by the way, in order to do that you need to also BE interesting yourself... or I won't hang out with you

[kingme]

(05-25-2012 08:46 PM)Chaos Wrote:  Sounds like you hang out with people that are NOT interesting because you're intimidated by the people who is interesting... Stop trying to find something interesting in them, it's not your job, hang out with the other guys... and by the way, in order to do that you need to also BE interesting yourself... or I won't hang out with you

i hear what you're saying but i don't avoid people that i find interesting out of fear if that's what you mean, and i don't seek out non-interesting people because im intimidated by interesting people, its more like that most of the people i meet i just don't find interesting and i find it very hard to meet interesting people because so few interest me and if i do, i have a hard time making an impression on them because i am intimidated and flustered. i think if i could i would definitely try to hang out with just interesting people and work on the skill of being comfortable around them. they're just hard to find and i guess i'm a person thats hard to please.

also i think i have heard and read in a few different places the idea that if you look hard enough you can find something interesting in most people, even if they arent as relatively interesting as others. and i kind of would like to believe thats true because i think its probably a useful social skill to have

[bwong]

Honestly, I think there is something interesting about everyone. Maybe you should try this: stop trying to find what makes people interesting and instead find out what people are interested in and passionate about. Personally I find listening to people talk about something that they are really passionate about to be interesting.

[Alexander]

Hey Kingme,

Awesome question.

My answer, like a bird, has two wings.

The first wing is "there is something interesting in everyone."

Here's how it works for me. I meet a person. I find out something about them. Let's say I learn that they like baseball. Now I really don't give a damn about baseball, it has never been interesting to me. But maybe what is interesting to me is WHY anyone in their right mind WOULD like baseball?

I like finding out about motivations. What's so awesome about this thing to YOU? I like finding out about people's fears, because we're all afraid and trying to overcome fear, and it's fun to see how others do it. I like to bullshit with people, because when you make meaningless small talk, you show them that you care about them and respect them, and it creates a good vibe between the two of you.

Another great way to find interesting things out about people is to find something you disagree about. Well, that's interesting! You think this thing that's totally different from me? Huh. I'm gonna' try to (playfully) prove you wrong! Maybe their point of view is actually the correct one. So, I like to disagree with people and to provoke them with opinions that they might disagree with.

I also like to encourage people, to find out about their doubts about themselves and to help them overcome those doubts. Ultimately, we all have the same shit running through our minds. By carefully observing my own mind, and what troubles and excites me, I can know that they have similar stuff going on with them, and I want to know how THEY deal with it. That's interesting.

Now the other wing of this bird. This is connected entirely to what Chaos said. I don't think you need to work that hard to find out what's interesting about people. Some people you will just not vibe with. Focus on the people that give you a special, exciting feeling. Spend your time with them. These people are very rare. Each new person like this that enters your life is a treasure to be looked after with great care. These are the people who can become true friends.

Hope that helps!

Alexander