Why is it so hard to get along with your own family?

[Leo]

I was wondering: why is it so hard to get along with your own family? I'm almost sure this happens to a lot of people, it shouldn't be the opposite?, it shouldn't be a lot easier to get along with your siblings, with your parents, with the people that you grew up with? But it's not like that for me and a lot of people that I know, or at least people that make themselves vulnerable and say the truth about their own families. In my case I get along with my family when I'm far from them, when our communication is via FB, e-mails or some texts and casual phone calls but when I try to interact directly with them everything goes to hell, there's no way we can get along. Sometimes I think old wounds from the past are still open or never gonna heal and remain in a perpetual healing process, still sensitive to old situations from the past that are brought back every time I interact with my relatives, sometimes I feel I'm reviving old situations with my family, even though we all grew up and are living different lives.
Some other times I think that that closeness that you have with your own familiy allows you (and allows them) to break boundaries, to don't RESPECT the different POV of them and vice versa, which we commonly don't do with strangers or close friends, it seems that they have the right (and I have the right) to tell me what to do, maybe because they care about me, and I care about them? Otherwise we wouldn't give a shit, IDK. Geez, this is hard! I hope the day I get married and have kids we can get along, love and respect each other. I know all families are disfuncional but I would love to get along with my wife and kids. I hope I can get the way to do that.

[Alvar]

Yup, man. They've know you since you worn dippers, they've carried you in their lap, seen you goof up in more than one occasion. They have an idea of who they think you are and what's your place and are not gonna let reality or your wishes get in between. Besides, you've moved north and are probably now used to a wider personal space than they have back home.

I think you need to accept that they will always be like this, and in fact they see it as their role. It's a balance act that you must manage, seeing them and knowing that they'll get on your nerves from time to time.

I think getting where they are coming from has help me greatly. I spend two weeks with them and this was probably the first time I really felt sorry for leaving. Even when my mom made remarks like "if you didn't leave you could be around and have a great job" I could empathize with her bc I saw where she was coming from, even if I had to point that her grandchildren would not exist. It was her own weird way to tell me that she loves and cares for me.

[Leo]

I understand what you are saying Alvar, as always you get what I'm trying to say. I think in my case is even worse the way my family CARE about me 'cause I'm the youngest so everybody thinks they must take care of me, even though I'm a 40 y-o man, and they traspass my boundaries.
I'm gonna have to accept they get on my nerves time to time.
Thank you pal.

[IdEngager]

Like they say, familiarity breeds contempt.

But hell, these days, if your family is still around and together and still care about you at all, you are doing way, way better than a lot of people.

[Leo]

Thank you IdEngager.

[Alvar]

You were the Lil one?
Even my kids already tease my youngest sis.
Yeah, it must be different to you. I'm the old one and have been away since I was 18. I was always given my own space, my problem was letting them in.

[Leo]

Being the youngest is just one aspect of the problem, I'm almost sure (even though I'm not a shrink) when I interact with my siblings, old wounds get open again, some feelings get triggered and new arguments about the same shit we've been arguing our entire life come back to the surface and we keep reenacting the same act over and over again. It is a cycle. At least I have some awareness about my feelings 'cause I went to therapy for a long time, but none of my family members have gone to therapy. ~Sigh~ It's not easy!

[SeXyBaCk]

All families are crazy man. Not getting along is part of being honest with each other and loving each other. I get on great with my sister but when she visits my parents, the moment she sets a foot in that house she turns into the 16 year old bitchy teenager she was 17 years ago.

[Leo]

That's exactly what I feel with my sister, when I interact with her in person it seems she goes back to be a little ultra-sensitive girl even though she's older than me, it's like she's expecting from me to protect her or something. It's weird, I don't get it. But she's not the same when I am with her.

[SeXyBaCk]

It's some kind of emotional memory that kicks in. Generally I don't think family meetups at the original "home" is the best of ideas. They should be left to funerals. Coming home somehow is always bitter sweet. Even if you had a brilliant childhood (like I did) you are reminded of your lost youth and the inevitable regrets everyone has.

When my family convenes at christmas at my parents it always turns into a bitchy affair by boxing day the latest. Too many adults in a confined space plus toddlers, booze and overeating is a toxic combination. And because it's family, who are supposed to love you no matter what, the gloves are off from the start. And the women in my family are capable of saying the harshest things. Kind of a reminder why they're family not friends, I pick different friends.

It's best to convene at a resort where everyone has their own private space. As for the tetchiness... you kind of just have to suck that one up and drink more or go for a walk ... I doubt it will ever go away. However, if something ever goes wrong in your life, I'm sure your family has your back, they love you.

[Leo]

(08-13-2012 08:02 AM)SeXyBaCk Wrote:  It's some kind of emotional memory that kicks in.

That's exactly what I think.

Quote:And the women in my family are capable of saying the harshest things. Kind of a reminder why they're family not friends, I pick different friends.

I didn't know this was "normal".

Quote: As for the tetchiness... you kind of just have to suck that one up and drink more or go for a walk ... I doubt it will ever go away.

I'll try to follow your advice.

Quote:However, if something ever goes wrong in your life, I'm sure your family has your back, they love you.

Thanks.