What could probably be call "My Autobiography"
I think that it's often important to figure out what you want in life. I think it's also important to know where you stand, so you can figure out what the next steps would be toward what you want.
Another thing that I think is pretty important, is to acknowledge the progress that you've made so far, how little it is. It also leads you to accept your past, make peace with it, because, although it might not be you anymore, it's what pushed you to become who you are now, and who you're going to be.
It's what I'll be trying to establish for myself in this post, so it will probably be a huge one, but I somehow think I need to record this somewhere for myself. I'll also greatly welcome, and would like feedback, comments, advice... Thanks in advance.
So let's start by where I'm coming from. I was raised in a little town/village with not many people, and every one pretty much knew each others. I wasn't a popular kid in high school, I would even dare saying that I was an unpopular kid. I didn't have many friends until... I don't know, about 15 years old. Sure, there was people I was hanging around before that, but I wouldn't consider them friends necessary.
I spent a lot of time on the computer, watching porn... even though I was on dial-up, I would leave the computer overnight so I could download some on Kazaa... it's still funny when you think about it.
I was also playing guitar, composed music and played some video games (mainly THPS2 and Diablo 1 and 2, not heavily but I got to admit I did that a lot still). Theses activities are probably what saved me, that's how I started to hang out with other kids, and making a few friends. And somehow stopped to really care about the fact that I was unpopular, and just have fun with my friends.
Girl wise... I never had girl friends (that always kinda made me feel weird when guys complain about always getting stuck in the "friend zone"... ) I still not really do to this day.. but that's something I'm going to talk about later.
So then I got to college, really small college, in the same little town.. with almost all of the same people. And not cute girls.. well, they were the same girls I went to high school with and I though that they were either mean, or just not attractive enough (I used to watch a lot of porn,right, it must have made my expectations way too high... I mean, I was more drawn to the fantasy of having sex with a girl than the actual act)
And well not all, there were two girls (twins.. real cute, petite twins), who were from out of town. I spent probably 3 years having a crush on one of them.. or well both of them.. it pretty much varied on my mood.
I wasn't what I would consider friends with them, but we were somewhat good aquaintances... in fact I tried to stay away from becoming friends with them, out of fear that I'll end up "friend zoned". I don't need to tell you that it didn't accomplish anything.
Positive thing that I couldn't see back then, I was already changing for the better. I mean, I wasn't unpopular anymore, I wasn't popular either. And actually, girls who were mean with me in high school, weren't anymore, and new girls were acting kind toward me. In fact, people were acting nice toward me mostly.
I attribute this to two things
1. People grew up... I mean at some point you figure out that "bullying" people is not a good/cool thing to do.
2. I also got a life.. better life than I had back then
I wish that I would've realized that back then. Not thinking that most people are just out to get me would've helped me a lot back then.
Then there was university, I moved out of this little town to get into a bigger city, and out of my parent's house.
Basically, more of the same kind of progress than in college, at a really slow pace, but slowly realizing that I am making progress, really realizing that people are not out to get me. That most people in this world are generally kind... although it's something I still have to work toward even now, but it was starting to be less worse back then.
I participated in extra activities .. organising event/sound and light "engineering" on campus, working as a web developer. I derived a lot of confidence doing that, I also made a few friends..
And, actually, there was quite some girls that were attracted to me, although I didn't act on it back then, because I wasn't sure.. not necesserly about if she was attracted or not.. but I wasn't sure of what to do, and, even though I was already watching less porn, that's pretty much all I knew, and I knew it was kinda unrealistic.
That, and the only advice I read back then was PUA stuff... and quite honnestly, I never aspired to be a Pick Up Artist... I did not back then... I still doesn't (but let's talk about this later) ... so the advice didn't resonate with me, I only found advice that resonated with me way later.
Ok then I graduated, got a job that would involve the possibilty of travelling. When I said yes to the job.. well actually, the HR guys asked me "So, do you realize that if we'd asked you to move tomorrow for a contract you would have to say yes" .. and I said "Yes, that's cool"...
And that's when I really realized how far I had come from the shy unpopular guy in high-school to someone who was willing to leave to another country in seconds notice. Wow!
That was two years ago.
Nothing much changed since then... or well I'm still making progress, as I've been going out a lot in the last year, making more friends, hanging out with new (and more social, fun) people (so I've been getting some of their habits since I'm hanging with them a lot).
Ok now let's talk about where I am now, it should be shorter :
I'm 25 - 26 in 1 month, still a virgin, still doesn't hang out regularly with girls, even in my social circle... it's mostly only guys... And honnestly, I think that if I have had lots girls in my social circle since I was 21-22, I think I wouldn't be.
I'm fairly attractive.. and I'm mostly talking about my general attitude toward life, how I dress, groom myself.. and also, as I said, I had some girls that I could see were interested in me, so I must be at a baseline level of attractiveness at least.
I also have been told by a friend that another friend's girlfriend (they were in an open relationship back then) told him that I'm "Interesting but ..." that I "should be more agressive/show my interest more" (I didn't knew they were in an open relationship before that, and even then, I don't want to sleep with a friend's girlfriend) ... And as a side note, usually my friend's girlfriends likes me, I'm not trying to be liked by them, that's just the way it is, I'm guessing it's because in my head, I've removed the possibility of sex out of the equation.. that, and some of them are not really my type.
and that's still true today.. I'm getting better, waaaaay better, especially when I'm drunk.. I mean, I can show my interest more (touching, slightly prolonged eye contact, and I've got to admit both of thoses things make me feel so good and, especially, like a man when I do them), but I'm still blocking when I'd like to kiss... but that's still some progress.
I found that I have a lot less stress with that when I'm trusting the girl also. Like when there's some rapport that has been established, I know that I like the girl, and actually...
Eye contact is like, something that I always do, especially when I'm attracted to a girl.. and even more if she is reciprocating.
And when I start touching her, it's more like.. to show her that I like her..... and because I like it to, and at that point it just feels right and natural.
So I figure that kissing, making out and having sex is just a natural extension of that.
Like you start to get more comfortable with each other, you want to show her that you like her company, that you find her attractive and sexy.. so you kiss her. Naturally. And that's quite the same for every other steps.
I think we're slowly switching to what I want, so let's get officially into that.
Oh, before switching, I don't know where to put that, but I've stopped watching porn for now about 2 months.
Relationship wise, I'd like to have casual relationships. I mean, I don't think I would say no to a one night stand, but I'm not actively seeking them (so it probably won't happen), but I'd rather be able build relationships. It doesn't need to be serious at all. But I've got a greater need for intimacy than status and instant gratification I guess.
I want to have sex, and as soon as I can, but I don't consider it priority number uno.
For some of you, you might think it's bullshit, you might also thing that it's not a good decision.. that I should take a vacation from work and approach girls days in days out until I've succeeded.
But seriously, it's not going to accomplish much. It's like now it's done ... and what next... I've done it approaching 1000 girls so now I've got to approach 1000 other girls just to get laid again.. (I'm over exagerating)
Rather, my priority, beside my other priorities (Work, being more active physically, hanging out with friends), is to bring more girls into my life.
That's it, that's the next step.
I'm a fairly confident, attractive, fun and well dressed man with a sexy accent that some girls just love (I've been told a few times).. I'm just never surrounded by women. There's no women at work, I don't have any women friends in the city I'm in now (and none at all if you remove my friend's girlfriends).
For that, I plan on taking dance lessons, attending classes and stuff like that.
I mean, it's some advice I've seen long ago, but, I was not confident that I could actually make it work for me... But lately I feel like that's the real next step.
I'll make new friends, I'll enrich my life, I'll become an even more interesting person, and I might end up be able to me some cool girls to hook up with.
and for how I see the future... like the big plan for myself, well relating to women.. I don't want to go into career stuff in here.
I was about to write a long paragraph (and probably will).. but it comes down to enjoying life, a diversified life, and taking the opportunities that I have.
I'll be better served by doing things I like to do, meeting women along the way, than taking time out of my day to "Day game" or "Night Game" ... doesn't mean that I won't try to go talk to a girl on the street it might happen, same thing for when I'm in a bar. But my point is, I'd rather approach a woman if I genuinely want to meet her rather than because I've got to do more approaches... approaches leads nowhere..
And it's got nothing to do about only approaching "9-10s" ... because, well, 1st thing, womens most guys call "9-10s", I'm not that much into... I mean, I can agree about the beauty, sexyness and all.. but I'd rather be with a petite cute girl next door... but that's me. I should be open to other types of girl, of course,... I'm drifting now.. get back to my point.
In day to day life, there's not a lot of girls that I want to approach.. I see maybe one of them a week on the street (ok I don't spend all of my day on the street too... )
It's not only about just how cute/sexy/hot the girl is, it's about her energy and style also... I can appreciate that girls are hot, fine, but it doesn't make me want to get to know her, makes me want to get in her pants maybe... but not to know her, I might as well go up to her and ask her if she wants to have sex.
And like I said, I'm really not looking for one night stands... I don't have an ache for it.
Beside, it often happen that as I get to know a girl that I might not even have thought of approached.. I start to want to get physical with her. It doesn't need to be a lot.. just some time to get to know if I like this person or not.
I think it's pretty much all.. thanks, and congratulations if you read the whole thing. And thanks way more if you're replying with feedback.
I wonder if I forgot something....