Vulnerability before the 3rd date

[CHB2]

On the first date we got drinks, and on the second we went biking in the park. Both went really well, and I think she is really someone that I get along with and could see being in a relationship with. What I am struggling with is opening myself up and getting over worries that sharing myself may scare her off. Not that I have any huge skeletons in my closet that I am hiding, but I realized after I sent a text message to her that I am acting from behind a shell. After both of our dates she has texted that she had a really nice time, and both times my response was kind of a joking response (or at least admitting that I had a great time too). I really did have a nice time, but I felt afraid to seem too "invested' or something by saying so. It is silly, but I consistently struggle with the dichotomy between showing that I am interested and sorta playing the game of dating. Has anyone else struggled with this?

I definitely want to see her again soon, and I was thinking of inviting her to cook dinner at my place together. Although I am not a great cook by any stretch, I can whip up something decent and it would be nice to have some alone time with her. The problem I am having is approaching the situation. It seems like going from public place, and friendly/chatty types of interactions into dinner at my place is a big jump and may throw her off a bit.

Anyone have any input on this? I know it is a bit rambling, and the general advice is don't get too invested in a girl before having sex with her or whatnot, but I would appreciate any advice you guys have. Thanks.

[Tim]

Hey it's your 100th post wooo!

I don't think dinner at yours on the third date is too intense if she feels comfortable with you and if you think it's quite apparent you both want similar things. One thing Mark says that gave me a lot more confidence in myself when I have strong feelings for a girl is that generally however you feel, the other person is also most likely feeling. So if you feel awkward and nervous around her, chances are it's the same. Similarly, if you're really falling for her and are considering a relationship, most likely so is she. It's like how guys could usually kiss a girl 10 minutes before they decide it's ok too.

This information makes me a lot more confident when I'm with a girl I have strong feelings for. It's easier to let go and just let it flow. On the other hand, when it's a girl I'm not sure about, I become more neurotic and start questioning myself. I allow that neediness to seep in, because I'm worrying too much about what I *should* be doing, instead of focusing primarily on what I really want.

If you want to have dinner with her because the idea of spending alone time with her is something you want because you're attracted to her, and so naturally that's something you want to do, then do it. Similarly, if you're looking for a relationship, then you should seek to become more open about that. Sounds like dinner is a logical next step to that.

[James]

Yeah I know the feeling and it can be a confusing balance. I'd say it's good that you're aware of these things and not over-investing too soon. Just keep meeting up with her and doing a mix of both. It can be a slow build up and she'll get more and more attached. I also think it's how you act when you're not with her. You can show interest when you're with her, but if you keep calling her/texting her and wanting to meet up when you're not with her, that might be a turn off.

I'd also say to meet up with her at a bar for a couple drinks and then going to your place instead of inviting her directly to your place. I remember asking a girl to come over and she texted back saying she didn't feel ready for that and she didn't know me well enough....I thought it was just a good place for a date/drinks etc. So yeah, she might feel a little nervous/uncomfortable. Or maybe she wouldn't. Who knows. But anyway I always meet a girl at a bar before going to my place until she's already been over and we feel really comfortable together.

[Chaos]

(04-09-2012 12:22 AM)CHB2 Wrote:  On the first date we got drinks, and on the second we went biking in the park. Both went really well, and I think she is really someone that I get along with and could see being in a relationship with. What I am struggling with is opening myself up and getting over worries that sharing myself may scare her off.

You're thinking this a little bit in terms of black and white, as if when you "decide" to be vulnerable you have to automatically share everything that's going on with your life every time, every second. You don't... Also you're struggling to "open yourself" not because that's what you want, but because that what you think you have to do to be vulnerable. The fact is that by the third date you don't have enough trust to completely open to her. I've been seeing a girl for a month and half and I'm not telling her everything about me... Trust is a slow process that has to be earned (both ways)... don't rush it, if you have problems opening up is because you're trying to hard to do it, but the moment is not yet right.

(04-09-2012 12:22 AM)CHB2 Wrote:  I definitely want to see her again soon, and I was thinking of inviting her to cook dinner at my place together. Although I am not a great cook by any stretch, I can whip up something decent and it would be nice to have some alone time with her. The problem I am having is approaching the situation. It seems like going from public place, and friendly/chatty types of interactions into dinner at my place is a big jump and may throw her off a bit.

Have you kissed her? If not then I would advise against inviting her, is too big of a leap when there's nothing going on between you.

Overall, It seems to me like you're investing and idealizing her too much, too early... you've only had two dates with her...

[Tim]

Oh yeah I kind of assumed that you had at least kissed her and been affectionate. I forget that dates can be a lot more casual in the rest of the world than what I'm used to. Maybe tell us a bit more about your situation with her up until now to give us a clearer idea of where you're at?

[CHB2]

@James I am definitely showing that I have a fun time when I am with her, and throwing subtle hints that I would like to see her - "Oh, you are good at baking? We should bake together soon" - things like that. But my texting does not show too much overt interest.

@Chaos I understand that opening yourself up is a slow process. I was with a girl for over 4 years and throughout the whole period we revealed more about ourselves. However, I think expressing some sort of direct interest/investment ("hey, I had a really good time with you, I'd love to hang soon") has been confusing for me. I am struggling with when to open myself up to that point, since my dating life has not really made it beyond the 2nd date successfully so far and I am afraid of... Actually, I don't know what I am afraid of exactly.

No, we have not kissed other than a peck goodbye. The first date we met for drinks relatively early in the night on a weekday, talked for about 2 hours, got along well, and then she had to leave to make dinner and then go to class in the morning. The second date we met to go biking in the park. We biked for an hour, went to a nearby cafe to get coffee and a cookie, and then ate it in the park and talked for a couple hours. I guess what I am gauging her interest by is that we get along very well in person, and after both of our dates she has texted that she had a great time and would like to stay in touch. However, we have not gotten physical at all.

If I wasn't worried about the lack of physical escalation, I would invite her to yoga since it is something we talked about doing together. But after yoga you are sweaty and gross, and I doubt she would want to come over, especially since it is a far walk from my apartment.

I am thinking of inviting her to this local bar that has pretty good music. She has expressed that she likes live music, and it is a pretty fun place. If we are having fun we can always come back to my place. I think inviting her directly over to make dinner may be a little too intimate for right now.

Any thoughts?

[Chaos]

Yep, invite her to that bar, have fun and go for the kiss on that date. You can kiss her in almost any situation though, just make sure to escalate physically, or otherwise make clear your sexual intent.

[CHB2]

Well just got back from 3rd date, and it did not go as well as I had planned. I can't really figure out what the problem is exactly. We went to a jazz club for a drink and to see some music. We had really good conversation on the way over, during the show, and after. I brought her back to my place after, and sat next to her, started getting close, etc. but then my roommate got home and that sorta derailed things - she has to get up really early for class tomorrow, so it kinda brought her back to her senses that she probably should not be out this late. Cheek kissed goodbye and she left (my roommate was still around)

Basically, we get along well, make each other laugh, etc. but just don't seem to be moving in a sexual direction. I don't know if it is a lack of chemistry, or just the situation has not been right. None of the times we have hung out have we had more than one drink, which may explain the inhibitions towards moving in that direction. I really don't know what it is - how we hang out almost feels like I am already dating her, but without the sex. Wtf...

[Mark]

90% of the time guys have problems with dates "not going anywhere" it's because they're not escalating. This seems no different.

Three full dates and you still haven't kissed her. No excuse for that. She must really like you to be this patient.

Stop waiting for the "right moment" and create the right moment.