Update on my dating situation

[Creatine Dreams]

So I kind of relapsed.
Yesterday, I went to the bar to get lunch and a drink in between class and there was that chick talking to a friend of her's. I had no idea she would be there. She saw me so I said hi and she asked if I wanted to join them and I said ok. Stayed there for a bit had two drinks like I planned talked with them and then left. I still do not plan on calling her or anything else. This is clearly over, but I still felt that I kinda compromised myself by joining them.

Flash forward to today. I hung out with my friend and had a good chat with him about women and the like. Afterwards, I went to the same bar to grab a drink. Through my peripheral vision I knew that she was there because I saw her daughter and one of her friends. I got one drink and went outside and chatted with some people then I left. I did not look her way or do anything. I did not expect to see her there at all tonight.

Why is the Universe making it so damn hard to get this chick out of my life? Kind of frustrated at the moment because I felt pretty good after I talked to my friend. I can imagine she was having a good time and I am still obviously hung up. Sorry for the rant but I feel like shit.

[FirstAidKit]

Chill, you're doing great. You bumped into her, she was polite, you were polite, everything is fine. It gets easier.

[Creatine Dreams]

Thanks, FirstAidKit. It took a ton of willpower to act composed. I just have those selfish thoughts that she should feel as bad as I do. But she doesn't and that hurts. I know it is completely lame and irrational, but that is how I feel. This will sound stupid, but when I left, I could have driven by the bar to see if she was out there and maybe chat with her but I went the other way. A tiny victory, but a victory nonetheless...

[baller08]

I disagree. I think it was a major mental and emotional victory. It doesn't matter how you feel in this type of situation because you can't help that (YET)...all that matters is how you ACT. And you acted like a man that refuse to give into his desperate feelings.

This is where a lot of guys bastardize good advice such as, "Share your feelings with a girl and be honest...that's being a strong man". No...if you can't tell the difference then you're being a pathetic idiot.

Doing what you did took a fucking hell of a lot more courage and strength than "sharing your feelings" with her. You took a big step in developing that "Aura" I talked about that all strong, attractive men have. In the future, when you have enough experience and women in your life and a similar situation happens you won't feel this way. You won't care if she's happy or not. Why? Because you'll be happy.

Congratulations, Creatine. This was a huge step in your development.

[Creatine Dreams]

There is a major party happening soon where I am sure I will see this girl flirting with other dudes.
Everyone at school will be going but I really want to make sure I remain composed.
And I do want to go.

Also, she has started making friends with lots of my acquaintances and I am not exactly sure how to handle this.

Plus, I saw her at a school event the other day and she told me I should go to her birthday party. The man in me says do not go. But I talked to a female friend of mine and she said I should go and that I might get laid. But I cannot do this to myself.

What is weird too is that I have been feeling worse and worse about it even though over a month has past since we stopped dating. Even though I had my first relationship and realized I could hold a woman's interest for more than one night, I actually feel worse about myself than I did before I met her. I guess this is what Mark refers to as the "pain period" and god does it suck.

[baller08]

First off, please stop asking women about what they think when it comes to other women and dating. Unless she is someone who is brutally honest and aware of her gender's attraction idiosyncrasies AND 100% has your best interest at heart, just do not ask women about stuff like this.

Now about your situation....don't....give.....a.....fuck.

Same thing I told you last month....you're only feeling this way because you don't have anyone else yet. Don't give a flying fuck about what she's doing, who she is making friends with, or whatever. Go if you want, don't go if you don't want, but just stay away from her and don't even look her way.

If you do, I promise you she will end up doing something to cause you either more pain or more confusion.

[Chaos]

I agree with Baller. My feeling is that girls are absolutely awful at describing what they like. What they say they like and what they actually like are two completely different things in my experience, and that applies to almost every girl I've met, including my sister.

Probably we are the same way, I don't know, but one thing I know is this: if you need it you can't trust to be able to distinguish good vs bad girl advice, when you are able to distinguish between good and bad you'll probably won't need it. (I'm of course talking about relationship and pickup advice)

[baller08]

(04-23-2012 03:47 PM)Chaos Wrote:  if you need it you can't trust to be able to distinguish good vs bad girl advice, when you are able to distinguish between good and bad you'll probably won't need it. (I'm of course talking about relationship and pickup advice)

This may be the best and clearest way I've ever heard anyone describe this mistake that most guys at one point or another make in their lives.

[Creatine Dreams]

And once again you are right, Baller. I went to the party, but I did not talk to the girl or look at her. I spent most of the time talking to other girls and my friends. I did not get lucky, but I was social. Still, I did see her making out with a guy. That hurt, but there is not much I can do about it. I think I needed to see that to help compartmentalize the experience.

[Chaos]

No, what you REALLY have to do is next that girl. I know it's easier said than done, but you have to make the effort to stop talking to her, about her and avoid seeing her as much as you can.

Focus your energies in other things, whatever. Find something you really wanted to do or learn and just focus on it. Great time to learn how to dance, or go biking or hicking regulllary. Try it.

[Creatine Dreams]

Really, I need to stop thinking about her. I did want to go to this party because I knew it would be a fun time. But seeing her make out with a dude sucked. There is another party where she will be at but I think for the benefit of my soul, I will not go. I will probably not see her much in the future because she is graduating.

In the meantime, what I really need to do is study for finals. The thing is that it has been hard to wake up in the morning. This is not the healthiest thing, but sometimes I sleep to avoid thinking about her. When I wake up, I sometimes forget about the situation. But then I quickly remember and I try to fall asleep again to forget. My mind is not letting me let go. I blocked her updates on facebook and I do not stalk her page, but the idea of her always creeps into my mind.

Oh well, I guess I will go to the gym and get a workout in. Then, it is time to hit the books. Hopefully, when finals are over, I will be able to put together my master plan for getting what I want out of life. But right now, I just have to deal with my situation as best as I can and it is not easy.

[baller08]

Creatine - say you went on a couple of dates with a girl that looks like HER.

She really likes you and she has a cute body, an adorable personality, easy going, and sweet. Say on Saturday she called you up and said that she found this recipe she wanted to try out and is going to come over to your house to cook you dinner, so long as that you don't mind being a guinea pig....but you have to provide the wine! She says this with excitement in her voice. She is going to come over Sunday around 3pm.

Now you go to this party on Saturday night and you see this girl kissing another guy. Think you'll give a shit then?

This is what Chaos means by "nexting" her. This is why I kept telling you to keep pushing and get other numbers, get other dates. You'll never stop thinking about her till you find someone else to date because it's not about this woman. There is nothing special or unique about her....she's just special to you because you haven't had a real relationship.

This is why on my blog I wrote the articles on Knowing When To Walk Away, Desperation and Fear. I purposely wrote them in a 3 series because they relate to one another.

Most guys can't walk away because they're desperate. ----> They're desperate because they don't have options in other women. ----> They don't have options in other women because they're fearful.

But they don't push pass the fear and so they continue to lack options which makes any one woman the center of their world if they do get one. It's a horrible cycle that can only be broken by getting out there and facing the rejections and start to improve your way of relating to women in an attractive way.

Even though you've done better than most guys because you are strong enough to stay away, you still haven't "walked away". Think about it....another human being who you spent only 2 months with can determine which party you can and cannot go to. She can determine how much you sleep. She can determine how you feel on a day to day basis. She can make you question friendships. And she can wield this amount of control without saying one...damn...word to you.

Think about that for a second, Creatine. Even a King does not have that amount of power over his subjects. Think about how ridiculous that is that another human being who has NOTHING to do with your life can have so much control over you.

So no excuses. There's always a reason to wait. "Well I have to get this done first THEN I'll start"....that's just an excuse to avoid the approach anxiety. You got to tackle those demons man...there are no short cuts.

[Creatine Dreams]

Thanks for that response, baller.

A funny thing happened yesterday. I was kinda bummed about the whole deal with her so I took a nap for an hour.

When I woke up, I felt a new emotion and it was anger. I was angry at myself for putting her up on a pedestal and allowing my experience with her to control my life. (Basically all the stuff you said.)

And I was also angry at her. For a woman who prided herself on her uniqueness, SHE ACTED JUST LIKE ANY OTHER TYPICAL WOMAN.

1. If she was really so unique, and the feminist that she claimed to be, she would have been direct in ending the relationship and would not have given me dumb excuses for being "busy".

2. She sometimes talked about how she was not like the classically pretty girls in my class. But she still proceeded to gossip about them behind their backs.

3. She was infatuated with me for a couple of weeks and when I started returning the interest, she dropped me. Just another validation junkie.

4. She is an alcoholic and I cannot think of one time we spent together that did not involve alcohol.

5. She had no qualms about flirting with other guys in front of me after her interest level in me waned but before we really had a clean break.

6. And now, she is probably dating the creepy dude who she made out with the other night. Seeing her kiss some other dude might not be the best last image to have of her in my head, but it allows me to realize that she was not that special and that I was not that special to her. She is just repeating another pattern in her life.

I am not sure that this anger is the healthiest thing in the long term, but right now it is helping me get over her.

And on another note, I thought to myself what I would do if she called me and told me and told me to come over. I am not sure if I would be able to resist, but I would definitely be disgusted in myself and that is a good thing.

And on a final note, when I say she is "like all other women" I do not mean to disrespect the girls I know who are out there who are healthy, emotionally grounded people.