This is my life, and I need your help to get one (long post)

[Guyintheback]

Hi everyone!

This is a long post, and it will at times reek of desperation. Well, I am aware I brought that on myself, and I am aware that I am the only one who can change it.
So I am not here fishing for sympathy; I post this because I want your help and I need your help. Be harsh if you think that is the right way to go.
While I think that things outside my own influence have had damaging effects on me, I realize that it is still me who is responsible for where I go from here.
And this is why I post here, to get advice on where to go, and, more importantly, how to get there.


I have always been an anxious/cautious child. I psychiatrist I saw during third grade said it was because of my intelligence; I realized that kids my own age couldn't provide protection for me, and so I never felt comfortable without adults around.
He also advised I should skip fourth grade; otherwise my grades would suffer because I was so bored in class.

So I did. Not a problem academically, but it put this socially shy kid in a situation where his classmates where emotionally even farther ahead than before.

At about the same time, my father started drinking. Which effect did that have on me? I started vomiting either before school, or during lunch break. I also couldn't eat around other people, or I'd get sick and vomit. Well, that didn't make me any more popular, as you can imagine. Worse, I never dared to ask out a girl for fear I'd vomit on here (you know, like Stan in South Park).

After three long years of behavioural therapy I was finally able to overcome this shit. That was one of the best times of my life: I went to a club for the first time, was able to go on field trips, even got the girl I wanted. Too bad she dumped me soon after (because I was too nice - no arguing there), and I got __really__ depressed.

I managed to pull myself together, though, and move to a different city to go to university. While I wasn't exactly king of the campus, I was quite popular. On my first day in that city I went to a bar alone, bought some guys a couple of shots, got drunk, and got a girl ready to go home with me. I didn't take her home though, because I still had hopes to get back together with my ex (who was in a different city at that time and we hadn't talked in weeks: call me Mr. Nice Guy).
Still, I partied hard and had a great time.

Around that time I also learned about PU and such, and finally realized why my girlfriend dumped me. Took me only two years, that's how smart I am.
I went out with the local lair a couple of times, and it was fun, and showed me that stuff really works. But I am not the kind of guy to go out with a woman's panty on my head, or talk about "AA" and "LTR" and "Openers" all the time, so I stopped going after a while.

I finished university rather uneventful, had another girlfriend for some time, but isolated myself more and more (first because of my girlfriend, then because my subject really frustrated me). It was a long distant relationship which was fine with me at the time because I really loved her, but now I ask myself if it was worth it, with me missing out on a lot of other opportunities.

After university I had to move back in with my parents, which is where I live now. Last summer I did an internship, it was fun, and the guys at the company told me they wanted to keep me. But I was sure I wanted to study a second subject, so I declined.
I started again at the local university, but during the winter holidays it hit me like a ton of bricks: I can not live with at parents' another three years. I just fucking can't.
I am 26 years old, it is time to live on my own again, to live my own life. So I exmatriculated from the university again.

The thing is: Now I sit alone at home most of the time, since I don't know many people here, and feel pretty down.

I have the feeling that it is now or never to finally fix my problems. I know I brought this all on myself, isolating me for fear of getting hurt. But I need your help to get out of this.

I think my biggest weaknesses are:

- Confidence: I let my fears stand in the way of doing the things I want to do. And I am constantly trying to figure out if other people approve of what I do; I especially crave the approval of women.

- Conflicts: I can't handle conflicts well. I guess trying to appease my dad, so he won't drink again, and trying to help my mom wherever I could made me a real people pleaser.

- Fear of getting hurt: When I approach (which I seldom do at the moment), I always to it with fear in my mind. I always thought it is the fear of getting rejected, but I guess in reality it is the fear of being rejected after I have opened myself. Probably because getting dumped by my first girlfriend hurt so bad. And having a father who values alcohol more than his son didn't help either, I guess.

Also, when I talk about these problems to people, I usually avoid those people afterwards, because they can see me as flawed, where I want to be seen as perfect. Lost some very good friends that way.

- Physical escalation. Probably because of the above and lack of practice.


My strengths are:

- I am intelligent enough to realize my problems

- I am not ugly and in rather good shape

- I'm good at establishing an emotional connection (which lands me in the friend zone often, though - see fear of escalation and lack of practice)

- I do not give up (otherwise I would have stopped trying to be happy long ago. I tried to cut myself short in the above, in reality battling these vomiting attacks and anxieties where hard, sad years full of disappointment and hurt)

- I am so pissed at my situation right now that I can use that anger to overcome my fears. I am so mad about so many chances (not only to get laid) I missed out on because of my fears I could cry sometimes.


My goals are:

Very short term:

- Get out more. I don't care if I get laid or not right away, I just want to have some contact with women again instead of sitting at home all the time. I probably stink of desperation a mile against the wind anyway.

What have I done to get there:

- Contacted old friends and shared some of these things with them. If you have read "No more Mr. Nice Guy": I am trying to be less of a "Teflon-man", trying to face my fear of being seen as imperfect

- Contacted some guys of the local lair (waiting for replies)

- Looked for activities to do but found none so far (Someone on here suggested dancing lessons, unfortunately all the classes are in mid-season)

Short to medium term:

Move out, either:

- Go to Australia for a year on a work&travel visa

- Find a job, possibly go on a vacation for two or three months before (Ireland or USA comes to mind). My last vacation was in 2004, so that would put something in the white spot where my life should be.

What have I done to do that:

- Got a passport
- Trying to figure out how much living in the USA for two to three months would cost me
- Got informed about work and travel.

- Also, I contacted a personal coach. He specializes in "man" problems, told him my situation and asked if he could help me, and if so, for how much. Still waiting for a reply.

Right now, I guess, the better option would be to get a job and grow up. But go for a longer vacation before, to clear out my mind, and get some new experiences. So I am pretty sure by now that I will tour the US for three months, get some new experiences under my belt and then go get a job.

I have the following questions and request:

- Tell me what you think about my situation. What do you think where my problems are? What would you advise me to do? Did I miss something?

- For the very short term: Going out alone. What are your experiences? I already did it, but back then I could tell everybody I was new in town and wanted to get to know people. If I went out alone now, I'd feel kinda creepy, coming from a mindset of desperation and loneliness. What mindset could I use?


That's it for today. I thank everyone who took the time to read this, especially if you are going to comment.
I hope you can see that although I am feeling down, I'm not here to beg for sympathy and am trying to tackle these issues.

I know I will be scared to come back tomorrow to read your answers, because, like I wrote above, I hate to be seen as imperfect, and perfection this is not. But I will come back to read them, and even if they hurt, I am confident they will help.

I tried to be as honest as possible with myself, and I rewrote this post several times over the last week. It hurts to write this, because I realized I have wasted some of my best years.

Again, I will be glad for every help, as I finally realized that I cannot let myself be held back anymore by my fears, for every day wasted is a day lost forever.

You could say, this is the first time I really make myself vulnerable, even if it's just on the net ;-)

[Jani]

(03-10-2012 04:33 PM)Guyintheback Wrote:  - Tell me what you think about my situation. What do you think where my problems are? What would you advise me to do? Did I miss something?

Your problem is not knowing what you want in life. If you know what you want, you know what you need to do. It's that simple. If you're hungry, you eat. You don't need a life coach for that.

So, what do you do want?? Don't say girls, you don't want girls. If you want girls, you can go to hookers but you don't go to hookers because you don't want girls. The need for girls is always a symptom of a bigger problem. In my experience is that not knowing what you want in life.

How do you know what you want?? Stop RUNNING. Everybody is so busy running, that they forget to live. They are busy with school, work, kids, girls,... The moment where they can't run anymore, is the moment they start regretting. Why else do you think so much people regret their lives on their deathbed?? http://ohdarling.posterous.com/nurse-rev...ple-make-o
Just stop!! Stop doing, start living!! And living you do it in the moment, where there's peace. Mother Nature is the equivalent of peace. Can you watch to this (http://vimeo.com/35396305) without feeling an incredible urge of inner peace?? I didn't think so.
Go for a walk each day when it's quite. Just let your mind wandering away.
It can take 1 week, 3 months or 2 years before you realize your purpose, but you're going to realize it. You feel it when you see it.

I can say you what I want in life, PEACE. I don't want to be happy, I don't want to be a millionaire, I don't want to fuck Angelina Jolie,... I want peace. Dying with a big fuckin' smile on my face is the ultimate goal, being in peace with death must be an incredible feeling. In my opinion, everybody wants peace once they realize that happiness is an utopia.

When you know what you want, you can break it down.
I want inner peace, but what's peace?? Peace is a feeling of satisfaction. Where there's peace, there's balance.
If we go back to food, when are you satisfied??
I LOVE pancakes, I would almost die for a pancake. But I couldn't eat them forever. So, there must be diversity.
Okay, that sounds logical.
What else do I need for peace??
My diversity must balanced. In other words I also need focus.

PEACE = DIVERSITY + FOCUS

Now, that's something I can handle.
So, my life must be diversified and focused.
Like I said before I think everyone wants peace but the way they diversify and focus is for everyone different.
I diversify my life in 7 general segments:
- career
- finance
- love
- health
- contribution
- recreation
- self-growth

My focus is on 3 values, because if you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything.
1) freedom
2) ambition
3) achievement

That's my purpose, it doesn't change but my goals changes a lot. My destination stays the same, but the journey changes due experiences, circumstances,...

But knowing what you want isn't enough, that's only one element of the quotation. Like I said by knowing what you want, you know what you need to do. It's that simple.
Fat people know what they want and know what they need to do, but they don't do it.
It's fucking hard, it's certainly not easy.
Simple? Yes! Easy? Hell no!
It's going to be the hardest thing you will ever do, but it will be worth it.

The next step is building a vision. A vision is not a dream!!
If you want it as bad as you want to breath, it's vision otherwise it's just a dream.
How do you make a dream a vision?? Simple, let you remind it every second of the day.

Every morning, the first thing I do when I wake-up is listening to this guy. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oa1j2kBIYOw
It's ET - The Hip Hop Preacher. http://www.youtube.com/user/etthehiphopp...e=g-user-u
After that I just sit on my bed and visualize my perfect life while listening to Ready for War - Daniz. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mayPhOyQJXU
It get you pumped up, I can tell you that. You're ready for a marathon after that.
Then I eat breakfast and I go for a walk at the beach for some deep introspection.

That will solve are your problems. Do it for 30 days and you will be another man!!
It's not some sort of magical pill. You still gonna have fears, but that's what makes life interesting. Give me a successful person, and I give you a person that has suffered. Pain/fears are part of the deal.
You going to have the courage to face yours fears, because you have a rock solid foundation.

That's the problem with society, masculinity,... they don't have any foundation anymore.
How higher you want to build your tower, how deeper you need to go.

(03-10-2012 04:33 PM)Guyintheback Wrote:  - For the very short term: Going out alone. What are your experiences? I already did it, but back then I could tell everybody I was new in town and wanted to get to know people. If I went out alone now, I'd feel kinda creepy, coming from a mindset of desperation and loneliness. What mindset could I use?

Mark has covered that in one of his blog post. http://postmasculine.com/do-something
You can sum it up like this: "if you don't feel it, do something different"

I hope this helps!! Let me know!

[Zac]

Jani has a lot of great things to say in this post.

Guyintheback I think it was very valuable to get all this stuff out. Now you kind of know where you stand and how you feel. I always find getting this stuff out onto a forum or on paper helps me move beyond where I am. Sometimes it takes us really breaking down what we think of ourselves to move past those mindsets. I hope you take some of the advice Jani gave you and start working with it, today, immediately.

You mentioned behavioral therapy. Do you still go? I may have missed it if you said you did still.

[Guyintheback]

Hi, and thanks for the replies! I really appreciate it.

@Jani:

Thanks for going to such length to help me!

I read your post several times to let it sink in. I think you really have a point. I do tend to run, and when I can't run I regret. Actually, that is even what drove me to finally sit down and think about this/write my post in the first place.

Over the last couple of month, after I finished university, I had a nagging feeling that I am wasting my life. And I am!
I used to be comfortable being alone with myself, now I can only take it if I am doing something or watching a sitcom. If I just sit and do nothing for a while, negative thoughts come creeping about what I should be doing, etc.

And my starting a second subject at university: I guess this was also a flight response from facing to think about what I want to do with my life.

Now that I think of it, the times when I felt best where the times when I had a purpose: I was able to work hard and still enjoy my life. The last year of school, where I buckled down AND worked out AND went out. The first two years at university, where I studied AND went out four nights a week AND went boxing AND went to the gym.
I wasn't fearless then, but still much more confident than before or after.

With the end of university in sight I kind of lost that purpose...I didn't know (still don't) what I want to do. I isolated myself, watched TV long hours OR read all day OR studied night and day without going out.

So long story short: You really are on to something. Probably won't cure all my problems if I find that purpose, but might put me back on track.

I will try your method and think about what I want. I'll report back if/when it helps.

Other than that, your fat people metaphor is spot on: I do want to go out more, I do want to live more, I do want to approach more, but I don't. Maybe it is just that simple?

Like Mark wrote "What are your stories?" I have plenty for every occasion it seems.

I don't get your last point, though: "If you don't feel it, do something different"?

@Zac:

Thank you for replying!

I agree, I feel much better now that I have written these things down. They had been in my head a long long time, but I guess thinking about it isn't the same as putting it on paper / writing it down.
It is a painful process (at least it was for me) to face so many weaknesses and wasted time, but I will do it more often know. Maybe monthly.

About therapy: That was for the eating disorder/alcoholic father situation. I considered going again, but in the end I guess therapy is not that much more than facing your problems and anxieties. A therapist just doesn't let you off the hook when the going gets tough.

But I still consider coaching. I don't know if Mark still does that? Couldn't find in on the site.


Other than that I am pretty set on going to the US for two or three months in April or May (as long as my money permits). This is something I wanted to do as long as I can think but never dared to do because I was "running" for university or the situation at home etc.


Again: Thank you very much for the replies!

Any further comments are appreciated.

[Jani]

(03-12-2012 04:37 PM)Guyintheback Wrote:  Thanks for going to such length to help me!

The pleasure is all my. Helping others is helping yourself.

(03-12-2012 04:37 PM)Guyintheback Wrote:  Over the last couple of month, after I finished university, I had a nagging feeling that I am wasting my life.

That's in my experience just a phase where you need to go through. Most of the people don't have that nagging feeling, so don't worry too much about it.

(03-12-2012 04:37 PM)Guyintheback Wrote:  Other than that, your fat people metaphor is spot on: I do want to go out more, I do want to live more, I do want to approach more, but I don't. Maybe it is just that simple?

Trust me, it's that simple. If you want something, grab it by the balls.

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/are-you-waiti...-to-start/

(03-12-2012 04:37 PM)Guyintheback Wrote:  I don't get your last point, though: "If you don't feel it, do something different"?

Getting up at a fixed hour was very difficult for me. I tried many times and I failed many times. I practical always 'raped' the snooze button.
I didn't 'feel' it to get up, so I did something different. Instead of hitting the snooze button, I play something from ET - The Hip Hop Preacher, http://www.youtube.com/user/etthehiphopp...=g-user-u.
Now, I always get up without hitting the snooze. You need much more willpower to get up without the snooze button, than playing some motivational speaker but the result is the same.

Action reinforces motivation!! So, if you don't feel it, do something different (but still relevant to your goal).

(03-12-2012 04:37 PM)Guyintheback Wrote:  But I still consider coaching. I don't know if Mark still does that? Couldn't find in on the site.

Few days ago I stumbled upon it, so here you go:
http://www.practicalpickup.com/coaching/...nsultation

[baller08]

Guyintheback -

I feel your pain. Do yourself a big favor and go buy the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. It's not just about how women fit into your life, but it's about your identity as a man.

http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Gu...019&sr=8-1

Read the review by M.Young and you'll get an idea how this book hits directly on what you're suffering fro.

Mark obviously has a good book on this site as well. But don't just stay home and read, you have to go out and do. There is no such thing as failure if you're out trying, so long as you learn from the obstacles. The only true "failure" is if you don't do anything.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

[Guyintheback]

Thanks again, Jani, and baller08 for replying.

@baller08:

I actually own "No more Mr. Nice Guy" and "Models". Both are among the few self-help books that may really do help. I just didn't apply them enough / regularly enough.
I am re-reading (means: working my way through) "No more Mr. Nice Guy" again at the moment.

@Jani:

I am taking a walk a day to think about what I want, and I guess it helps me sort out my thoughts.
Mow I got what you meant :-) I want to go out alone, I am just too scared to do it.

I think Zac was right when he said that it is helpful to get all this out of my head for once.
For years I have been sitting at home, reading this and that, wanting to do this or that, and always been finding excuses not to do it in the end.

I am a very theoretical person, no doubt. When I took up roadbiking, I read seven(!) books about the topic (eating, training, technique) before I even once sat in the saddle. Eventually I did it, though.

But in general, I miss the point where one usually puts down the book or stops thinking, and starts doing.
And why? Because I am afraid (to fail or to be judged).

It is painful to admit that, but at the bottom of every frustration in my life is fear. Reasoning or theorizing my way out of thinks, I always had a nagging feeling that actually I was just afraid of doing them.
I guess I already knew this to be true for a long time, but I never had the courage to clearly think about it, or sort it out in writing. So this thread helped me a lot!

I always wanted to go sky-diving but convinced myself that it was too expensive. In reality, I am just nervous about jumping out of a plane.

When I stopped hanging out with the guys from the lair of my university town I convinced myself that it was because I was not "compatible" with them. No, I was just frustrated that I wasn't as good as I wished to be.

When I left my university town I broke contact with my friends there because I reasoned "What's the point with this distance in between", but in reality I was afraid what they might think of me when I moved back in with my parents.

I want to go out solo and wait for someone to tell me the right mindset. In reality, I am just scared shitless to stand in the middle of a bar alone and feel miserable because I'm not approaching.

Man, realizing that I wasted a lot of time sitting at my desk and waiting for my life to start (like in that link Jani) just because I am afraid is a shitty feeling...

I just hope I can keep the momentum going this frustration is giving me right now and finally overcome that fear.

What I plan to do about it:

- go out more (with friends or solo, if I can manage)
- talk to people more
- reestablish contact with old friends
- do Jani's exercise

- be more honest to myself. Sit down every day and write down where I let myself be held back by fear that day.

- further plan trip to USA. I am planning to do as much couchsurfing as possible to become more social again. Had myself convinced "it wasn't for me", but was actually just scared I might not like the people.

Any further suggestions what I could/should do?

Thanks again to everyone who took the time to read and reply!

[Zac]

Quote:Any further suggestions what I could/should do?

Don't beat yourself up. Definitely use this frustration to help you overcome fear but be proud of the fact you are realizing this stuff and making change.

[Jani]

I'm proud of you, really!! 98% of the society doesn't realize that they are running away from their fears while you need to face them.
If you keep going the way you do, then success is only a matter of time. So, keep up the good work!!

Quote:But in general, I miss the point where one usually puts down the book or stops thinking, and starts doing.

It would be good to hang out with friends that are just the opposite. Go for the sky-diving, you certainly going to find some adrenaline junkies there.
If you're to scared to jump out a plane with nothing else than a big handkerchief on your back, like I do. Go slowly, go first in a hot air balloon, than go for paragliding and so on...
That's how I'm going to do it.

Quote:Man, realizing that I wasted a lot of time sitting at my desk

I wouldn't see it as wasted time, because it's a process you need to go through. Wisdom isn't efficient, but effective.

Quote:further plan trip to USA. I am planning to do as much couchsurfing as possible to become more social again.

Maybe WWOOFING is something for you?? http://matadornetwork.com/change/a-first...wwoof-ing/

[Guyintheback]

Again, Zac and Jani, thanks for replying!

I'm surprised about that myself, but I don't beat myself up. I do feel some regret for having missed out on a lot in the last years.
But much more than that I feel happy and confident. For the first time in about three years I gained back my peace of mind. I can actually be by myself again without having to distract myself with TV or the internet, and don't have to be cautious not to think about "uncomfortable" things.

I guess I could have had that much earlier; this is one of the things Mark has been writing about: Don't make excuses, what are your stories, be honest to yourself etc.
But I was used to telling myself excuses, and side-stepping around sensitive things in my thoughts and didn't even realize I was doing it. I wasn't even doing the exercises in his book because I thought "What's the point, I already know", but actually knew deep down it would be a painful experience.

Now that I have been honest to myself, to you on the board, to the old friends I try to re-connect with, I feel like I am in charge again, if I want those things to change I have to do it myself, face my fears, be responsible, grow up.

I will still be afraid a lot of times, I will feel uncomfortable and anxious, will have to force myself away from the theory to act, but at least from now on I won't be able to bullshit myself :-)
I just wish I could conserve this feeling somehow for when I need it. Probably gonna print out this thread and pin it on the wall.

@ Jani:

You are right, I need friends who talk less and do more. Now that I think of it, whenever I had such friends, life was much more exciting :-)
I looked into the skydiving once again, earliest possibility is at the end of May.
WWOOFING sounds interesting, too. I ordered some maps to plot out a route, and am waiting for those to see what I can fit in. I'd like to be as spontaneous as possible, but since I have to book the flight home beforehand, I have to plan ahead to see how long my money will last.
I'm really excited to finally see the US, after having read so much about it and wanting to go since forever.

[Creatine Dreams]

Hey man, good luck!

[Guyintheback]

Hey guys,

I'd like to give you a little update. Maybe you are interested, maybe you are not. Maybe you have some input, which would be great.

Bad news first: I still haven't approached. I just can't get myself to go out alone and approach women. It pisses me off, because there is nothing physical holding me back, between me and her, there's just air. It's so easy physically, so hard mentally.
I give myself till today, midnight, to sign up for the approach program.

Good things I have done:

- stopped kidding myself: It's fear and nothing else that's holding me back
- realized that I have to take responsibility for my life, can't just let things happen like I used to

- contacted old friends, and was able to reconnect with some of them
- took every opportunity to meet with them, didn't let any excuses count (like exhaustion, etc.)

- started exercising with a plan, 6-7 times a week
- started eating better: Cut out sugar, fat and coffee, trying to eat more vegetables and protein
- took up intermittent fasting

- updated my resume and asked at a company that offered me a job last year if they'd still be interested in hiring me (haven't heard back)

- planning my trip to the U.S. (will go next month. Start in New York, go to Boston, see the Red Sox, do a sky dive there, get a rental car, drive down to Florida)

Yesterday I signed up for beginning Salsa lessons. That is the scariest thing I have done in years. I took ballroom dancing lessons when I was 14 or 15, but since it was at the time when I suffered from those vomiting attacks, I was nauseous the whole time, and couldn't go to the final ball, because I was sitting at home vomiting.
So going back there on saturday will be hard.

Any input would be great!

Question I have: What should I see on the U.S. East Coast? What can I do to meet new people while traveling? Sleep in Hostels and couchsurfing I guess. Anything else?

EDIT: Since I started posting here I'm having constant nightmares almost every night. I guess there are a lot of things I bottled up which are coming to the surface now ;-)

[Guyintheback]

Another update.
As usual, comments and critique are more than welcome.

I've had my second Salsa lesson last Saturday. Biggest surprise of all: Salsa is fun! I went there expecting to be bored, but I really enjoy it. Second surprise: I don't do as bad as I thought I would, although I have a terrible time hearing the rhythm.

Going there in the first place really scared me, but I'm glad I pushed through that.
Normally I would have gone there with the intention to try to be "cool" and impress everybody by saying something witty or doing really well and being the alpha person, and then would have said nothing at all because I was too afraid to fail/to anxious to do it.

So this time I tried something different; I focused on just two things: Speaking slowly and breathing slowly. Apart from that, no expectations, no intentions. And it worked great: I had fun, I was fun, I was much less nervous than I expected.

The class was advertised as Singles class, but for some reasons it is all couples plus me. So I get to dance with the mid 40s female instructor, which probably also helps because I don't feel like I have to impress her.


The biggest lesson I got from that is that I realized that no matter how much I try to figure something out in my mind, I still have to go there, do it and learn by that. Uncertainty and fear don't go away until I actually try doing whatever I'm afraid of. No way around that. There also is no way to see if I like it if I don't try it.


Since none of the local lair guys answered my messages, and I still don't go out alone, I started doing the next best thing: I started the most basic exercise, saying "Hi!" to everyone who comes my way. This has become pretty habitual by now.
I always told myself that I don't need those baby steps, someday I will figure out how to walk up to a beautiful woman and sweep her of my feet with my charm. Yeah, well, I can't. Looks like I need those baby steps after all.

I also finally signed up for the approach program. I'm committed to finally fixing these fear issues, no cutting corners.

Since I wrote this whole thread and told you guys about all these fears, I noticed that my interactions with people (neighbors, friends) have become much better, since I don't feel like I have to step around issues, or hide something. So talking about and facing these things really help(s/ed)!

I'm going to continue this thread as kind of a journal (also I have a paper one, too) and hope for comments when needed.

[Jon]

(04-19-2012 09:10 AM)Guyintheback Wrote:  Hey guys,

I'd like to give you a little update. Maybe you are interested, maybe you are not. Maybe you have some input, which would be great.

Bad news first: I still haven't approached. I just can't get myself to go out alone and approach women. It pisses me off, because there is nothing physical holding me back, between me and her, there's just air. It's so easy physically, so hard mentally.
I give myself till today, midnight, to sign up for the approach program.

Good things I have done:

- stopped kidding myself: It's fear and nothing else that's holding me back
- realized that I have to take responsibility for my life, can't just let things happen like I used to

- contacted old friends, and was able to reconnect with some of them
- took every opportunity to meet with them, didn't let any excuses count (like exhaustion, etc.)

- started exercising with a plan, 6-7 times a week
- started eating better: Cut out sugar, fat and coffee, trying to eat more vegetables and protein
- took up intermittent fasting

- updated my resume and asked at a company that offered me a job last year if they'd still be interested in hiring me (haven't heard back)

- planning my trip to the U.S. (will go next month. Start in New York, go to Boston, see the Red Sox, do a sky dive there, get a rental car, drive down to Florida)

Yesterday I signed up for beginning Salsa lessons. That is the scariest thing I have done in years. I took ballroom dancing lessons when I was 14 or 15, but since it was at the time when I suffered from those vomiting attacks, I was nauseous the whole time, and couldn't go to the final ball, because I was sitting at home vomiting.
So going back there on saturday will be hard.

Any input would be great!

Question I have: What should I see on the U.S. East Coast? What can I do to meet new people while traveling? Sleep in Hostels and couchsurfing I guess. Anything else?

EDIT: Since I started posting here I'm having constant nightmares almost every night. I guess there are a lot of things I bottled up which are coming to the surface now ;-)

East coast: check out Washington DC, definitely virginia beach, charleston and savannah. If you are into baseball go to Durham and watch a Bulls game. Famous minor league team.

In terms of meeting people in your hometown, I would go with something other than a lair. To be honest it's too much of a freak show. The normal people tap out after a couple of meetings.

[Guyintheback]

(05-05-2012 01:11 AM)Jon Wrote:  East coast: check out Washington DC, definitely virginia beach, charleston and savannah. If you are into baseball go to Durham and watch a Bulls game. Famous minor league team.

In terms of meeting people in your hometown, I would go with something other than a lair. To be honest it's too much of a freak show. The normal people tap out after a couple of meetings.

Thanks!

Savannah is on my list already, read about it in a Bill Bryson book ;-)
I decided to fly from Boston to Washington, D.C., and then drive on from there. That gives me more time and flexibility to visit and stay in places I might like.

None of the lair guys I contacted showed up anyway, so that took care of its own.
In another thread I read about meetup.com; unfortunately there are no groups in my area.

[IdEngager]

This is totally tangential, but I will be in Savannah next week. Any good spots to hit will be appreciated!

EDIT: Guyintheback, if you wanna come down to Savannah next Monday, you can crash the opposite mine on my company dime.

[Guyintheback]

(05-05-2012 09:12 AM)IdEngager Wrote:  EDIT: Guyintheback, if you wanna come down to Savannah next Monday, you can crash the opposite mine on my company dime.

Thanks so much for the offer, that would be great. But I won't be in the U.S. for another two or three weeks.

[Guyintheback]

Time for another update:

I have been in the U.S. for about five weeks now, and I love it! I am so glad I made this trip I could cry tears of joy. I have wanted to come here since I was ten or eleven years old, and have been putting it off for about the last ten years of my life, always finding excuses (money, time, family obligations, etc.).

I drove about 6.000 miles in the last three weeks, saw deserts and swamps, went hiking and sky diving, watched Little League Baseball and talked to an ex Army soldier who was stationed in West Berlin, and so much more.

The next couple of days I'm in Miami, before I have to leave for home. Back home my medium to long term goal will be to find work in Miami, and move here. I love this city! I love the streets, the buildings, the people, the sun... Sure, there's novelty involved here, but I can really see myself living here, even if it's just for the weather.

When I came over here I had very high expectations in a couple of things: I wanted to go shooting and sky diving, and hoped this would make me feel more like a man. Quite surprisingly to me, it did not.
Shooting a gun is fun and I actually went twice, but it didn't make me feel more manly.
And sky diving: It was unique, but not as scary as I thought. I'm not trying to brag, I was pretty nervous, but afterwards I didn't feel like I was invincible, like other people told me they felt afterwards.

But what does make me feel really good is that I'm finally, FINALLY doing serious work on overcoming my AA. In New York I'm pretty sure I could have gone all the way with a girl I talked to, if I had had one more day in the city, or if I had pushed for it harder. Well, she invited me to stay with her if I ever get back there.

While on the trip I drove six to eight hours some days, or went sightseeing or did other stuff where I didn't meet many girls, so I hadn't had much chances.

But here in Miami I'm trying to pick up the pace. I joined the Sexual Confidence Program, because I'm beginning to realize that the approach may actually be the easiest part (and that from me, who couldn't talk to a girl confidently a couple of weeks ago).
Take today: I was waiting for the bus, and there was this really hot girl. An eleven on my personal 1-10 scale. She was sitting a couple of seats down from me, between other people. She started to look at me, and I stared back. This went on for five minutes, and all the while I'm thinking: She's too hot for you, she's too hot for you. Then she got up, walked to the other side of me, so that there's just one guy sitting between us. She starts putting lotion on her legs, and making a big deal of it. So by now I'm pretty sure she's giving me IOIs.
But still, I'm not approaching her. I'm thinking: "There are so many people around, and she is so hot, this is going to be humiliating. But I should talk to her. But I can't." This went on for ten minutes (seriously), when I finally realized: Who cares what these people think? It is my life, my chance; if I don't dare to talk to her because of them, the only loser here is me.
So I get up, walk over to her and ask: "Can I sit down?" She says okay and I ask her where she's from. Turns out she's from Eastern Europe and just came for the weekend. Then I said "You know, I've been sitting over there for ten minutes, trying to come up with something clever to say to you, but as you can see, I failed." This makes her laugh and she really opens up to me. (Yes, I stole that line from Mark, but it was also the truth ;-)).

Unfortunately I blew it on the bus ride: I started to think about us having sex, and getting self-concious about the weight I lost on the trip and how skinny I must look. Plus I told her everything I did in the U.S. I was just glad to tell her about the experiences I had, but with hindsight it may have come across as serious bragging.

I feel like I blew a very sure thing here, because she was clearly looking for fun. But who cares, the thing that counts to me is that I opened her at all (I would not have dared to talk to a girl like her a couple of weeks ago), did it in a lame way, stated my interest in her, and she responded positively to all of it.

As a aside: Some time later a woman who was also at the bus stop and watched me talk to the girl saw me walking along the street alone, and gave me a look like: I knew you'd strike out. But it didn't matter much to me, I was so damn proud I did it at all.

To most of you guys these are baby steps, but to me it is really important.

As usual, I do these posts as half looking for advice, half journal. So all comments are appreciated, and apologies for the length.

[Tim]

Good for you man!

[Guyintheback]

This morning I felt pretty sick, but the weather was too nice to stay in the hotel.

On the bus was a woman (early thirties) with a small boy, who kept smiling at me. Since I was so nauseous I didn't feel like approaching, but I also don't want to make excuses anymore, and we happened to get off at the same stop, so I started talking to her.
I was just planning on saying hello for the sake of it, but for some reason she was really happy to talk to me.
Invited me for a coffee and to tag along with her to the beach, so I went.
She's from Europe and divorced, wanting to see America for a few weeks, and we have a nice talk.

But all the while her son is pretty unhappy with me being there (and I don't blame him, I'd be too), and when he asked her "Mom, who is that guy?" it really freaked me out.
But I decided: I feel awkward, that means I'm out of my comfort zone, which is good, so I suck it up until she tells me to fuck off. (But I made sure she payed attention to the kid, I'm not a total dick). She didn't. We exchanged numbers, and might meet again tomorrow.

I'm really undecided. She's really nice and we get along great, plus she's attractive, but I feel like I'm being an asshole to the kid, who has to share his mother's attention with a total stranger.

[Creatine Dreams]

Her kid is not your responsibility. It is the mom's.

Based on what you have said, it seems this woman is attracted to you.

Take advantage of the situation and have fun.

The kid might be an issue, but if you get this woman alone, there is a good chance you will have sex with her.

But again, let her deal with the logistics of her child.

[riva]

I read your post several times to let it sink in. And I am! I used to be comfortable being alone with myself, now I can only take it if I am doing something or watching a sitcom. If I just sit and do nothing for a while, negative thoughts come creeping about what I should be doing, etc.
This is a long post, and it will at times reek of desperation. I think you really have a point. I do tend to run, and when I can't run I regret. Actually, that is even what drove me to finally sit down and think about this/write my post in the first place.

Over the last couple of month, after I finished university, I had a nagging feeling that I am wasting my life.Well, I am aware I brought that on myself, and I am aware that I am the only one who can change it.
So I am not here fishing for sympathy; I post this because I want your help and I need your help. Be harsh if you think that is the right way to go.
While I think that things outside my own influence have had damaging effects on me, I realize that it is still me who is responsible for where I go from here.
And this is why I post here, to get advice on where to go, and, more importantly, how to get there.

[SeXyBaCk]

Don't worry about the kid, he needs to learn he's not the centre of the universe, which obviously he feels he is with a single mother right now. You're actually doing him a favour. You're not being a dick to a child by taking away some of the mum's attention. The kid needs to learn to survive without constant attention from it's parents.

[Guyintheback]

Thanks guys!

[Guyintheback]

She flaked on me, so the question answered itself. I guess my awkwardness must have shown more than I thought.

I'm going to miss Miami, it is so very easy to talk to girls here. And for some reason I don't see a lot of them seem to be really into me initially, until I blow it at some point.
The two big things I guess I do wrong are:

-Talking too much about myself. I'm usually more of a listener, but those three weeks in the car left a lot of things unsaid, I suppose.
-Not making enough (read: not making any) physical contact. I really have to push myself on this.

And I'm really popular with the gay guys here, got hit on three times in the last four days. Must be the new shoes...