The "friends first" thing

[EppsMJ]

Several women I've dated and/or known have made it very clear they want to become good friends first before starting a relationship. I find this a little frustrating and feel like I'm more-or-less being evaluated when this happens -- any insight?

[stan the man]

ive never gotten "they want to be good friends before starting a relationship" because its usually them asking for the relationship, i never do. i have gotten that they want to be good friends before we have sex (or sex again). i usually tell them no, that's not going to happen. and they usually let it go after that. but not sure if thats the case if you're wanting a relationship. kinda sounds like she's saying no. sorry man

[Matt T]

If all women actually thought like that, I'm pretty sure the seduction community wouldn't exist.

I think they're just doing it as a form of ASD. I mean, what woman will tell guys she hooks up with randoms every weekend?

[Mark]

Unless she's super religious and/or conservative, I give statements like that very, very little credit.

[EppsMJ]

The last woman I dated was clearly a "friends first" type. (yep- conservative/religious, btw) I guess that's why I moved on, as why date a woman when you feel like it's already in the friend zone? I'm looking for a girlfriend, not an activity partner.

Oddly enough, other women/friends I mentioned this to were like "friends first" is fair. Wtf? I don't honestly get it.

[Mark]

Women like the idea of being friends and getting comfortable with a guy, making him invest in her, making sure he really cares about her, etc. They all like the idea of that, even if it rarely plays out that way in real life. It's the same way that we like the idea of just banging dozens of girls whenever we want without ever having to deal with emotional attachment. It sounds nice in theory, but it basically never works out that way in the real world.

I did see a study somewhere once that found that couples who were friends prior to dating, on average, have much longer and happier relationships together. Don't remember the specifics, but there was a clear advantage to it when measuring relationships.

[Trickster]

Mark Wrote:I did see a study somewhere once that found that couples who were friends prior to dating, on average, have much longer and happier relationships together. Don't remember the specifics, but there was a clear advantage to it when measuring relationships.

The reason why this is is probably because the thing that makes long term relationships work - compatibility - is inherent in a friendship but not necessarily present in a romance. Feelings of infatuation and sexual attraction are actually different entities than compatibility, but what makes the love engine run in the beginning are often the first two as opposed to the latter.

[dr. love]

I would take that as a shit test. Even for religious women it doesn't work that way. It probably means she's keeping you as her 2nd, 3rd or whatever option. Do you think she would say that to Johnny Depp or Cristiano Ronaldo?

[Tim]

Trickster Wrote:The reason why this is is probably because the thing that makes long term relationships work - compatibility - is inherent in a friendship but not necessarily present in a romance. Feelings of infatuation and sexual attraction are actually different entities than compatibility, but what makes the love engine run in the beginning are often the first two as opposed to the latter.

Mmm great point. It's not a guarantee, but definitely far too many relationships lack true compatibility. And that is simply crucial for long-term success.

[EppsMJ]

So does the friends-first thing classify as being "neutral"? (citing from Mark's book) Also, does this mean she would do the friends first thing with every guy or drop it if her image of Mr. Wonderful appeared? (ala "receptive")