The Official Insecurity Thread

[Mark]

As a lot of guys have noticed, writing out your biggest fears and insecurities often helps you feel better about them and can give you some perspective on overcoming them.

I think it'd be useful to have an official thread where we can write about our insecurities and offer support or guidance to others, especially if they're suffering from an insecurity we have suffered from in the past.

The insecurity can be big or small, trivial or life-hindering.

I'll go first. My big insecurity right now: fear of commitment.

It's gotten a lot better since I've become more aware of it, but I've reconstructed my entire lifestyle to avoid it. I rarely date girls for more than a week or two. I rarely live in the same place for more than a month. Hell, I'm starting to dislike having possessions at all because I feel weighed down by them.

Something deep in me is terrified of commitment and always has been. Although, like I said, I think I'm more aware of it now.

This isn't the worst thing in the world at the moment. I'm enjoying my life. I'm still young. I'm debt-free and financially stable. I have no desire to get married or start a family or anything like that soon.

But one day I will... and one day I will have to confront this and figure it out. And that worries me, as every year that goes by that I continue living like this, I think I'm going to be worse-equipped to do so.

[Tim]

Deep brah. I have a toss-up between two for my deepest insecurity, but I think one is more specific to me so I'll focus on that one.

The first, and less unique one, is a belief that 'everything is NOT going to be ok'. I used to have this way worse back in the day, but it sort of reared its ugly head today, so I felt it was relevant. It's that worry that when you look at how messed up the world is, or when the stress in your life is getting to you, that it isn't going to be ok. That things are just somehow fundamentally wrong, and thinking otherwise is just a temporary thing. I think when I went through depression this was the main thought underlying all my pain and worrying. Sometimes I get it when there's friction in my life or with other people; it's when social anxiety or discomfort causes you to go 'oh shit this isn't ok', even though logically you know it's no big deal. Just being unable to rest with that emotional discomfort. I think finding the spiritual peace within myself to counter this is the most important thing for me to realise in my lifetime.

The other, more specific, one is the fear that deep down people don't really like me, or aren't on my side. Again this can happen when I get in an argument with someone, when someone close lets me down, or I get mad at someone. I feel like they don't really care about me, or that my friendship with them is a burden to them, or that deep down they don't think very highly of me. Arguing back doesn't work either; I start thinking that they've only been my friend for this long because they haven't realised who I really am or seen me in a certain light, and that one day they'll realize this and just walk away. I think that was the big issue in my first relationship; I was worried that deep down she didn't really care about me or love me and that when she realised that there would be nothing I could do about it.

I'm working on both these beliefs over time, and I'm making progress, but some days I get worried because I worry that I haven't made enough progress on them, and that they're holding me back in my relationships somehow. That if I could trust people that bit more, that I would be able to reach another level of vulnerability, trust, and understanding with them. I've had incredibly deep moments of connection with friends, girlfriends and family in my life, but I struggle to live my life with that amount of vulnerability day by day, and I don't want to look back on my life and admit that I held myself back because of my fear.

[Zac]

I'm insecure about losing the things that make me happy. I have a hard time letting go and I spend a lot of time that I should be happy worrying about times I might not be happy in the future. I'm insecure that things will be taken away from me even when I know realistically I'm in a good place.

I always feel like I have to prove myself to other people. If I'm insecure about anything it's how good of a job I'm doing. I constantly put myself down and undervalue the things I accomplish and do.

I'm still insecure sometimes about the way I walk. I've learned to not be most of the time but every now and then someone will say something negative about it and it will make me feel bad about myself. I wanted to be a police officer for a long time but felt like no one would ever take me seriously walking up to their car.

I'm sure when I have more time to think about this I will have more.

[Guyintheback]

(03-30-2012 05:24 AM)Zac Wrote:  I'm still insecure sometimes about the way I walk. I've learned to not be most of the time but every now and then someone will say something negative about it and it will make me feel bad about myself.

That's strange, I always thought I was the only one with that problem. I used to have bad body posture, especially while walking (crane neck), and am very aware of the way I walk. Every now and then, when I go down the street and notice someone watching me, I kinda "cramp up" and walk very jerky while trying to walk normal.

---

Well, my biggest insecurity is not measuring up.
Since childhood everyone told me: You are so smart, you are going to make it big. It's even in my yearbook, "most likely to succeed".
While it is nice that people see potential in me, sometimes I don't see it myself, and that makes me feel like a fraud.

And worse, through those expectations I allowed those people to create immense pressure on me, which let to a profound fear of failing. I guess this is the reason why I read so much and act so little, because every action contains the chance of failure, which I am so afraid of.
While I can mask over that in my "professional" life (at the cost of immense stress and anxiety at times), it really hurts me in my social life. It makes it hard for me to see that rejection is a good thing, because I see it as failing, and I fear that if a woman gets to know me better she might see through me, and see how scared I really am.

Plus, those expectations let me to believe that everyone is watching and judging me constantly, which may be the reason while I feel so uncomfortable in social situations, sometimes. Maybe worse, I seek the approval of even complete strangers (and women), and avoid conflict, probably because I feel like I'm being judged all the time.

I'm trying hard to get over that at the moment, by focusing more on what I want out of life, and, more important, facing those fears and acting anyway. I'm just afraid I might lose the drive I'm feeling. So, another insecurity right there.

[Tim]

(03-30-2012 06:54 AM)Guyintheback Wrote:  Well, my biggest insecurity is not measuring up.
Since childhood everyone told me: You are so smart, you are going to make it big. It's even in my yearbook, "most likely to succeed".
While it is nice that people see potential in me, sometimes I don't see it myself, and that makes me feel like a fraud.

And worse, through those expectations I allowed those people to create immense pressure on me, which let to a profound fear of failing. I guess this is the reason why I read so much and act so little, because every action contains the chance of failure, which I am so afraid of.
While I can mask over that in my "professional" life (at the cost of immense stress and anxiety at times), it really hurts me in my social life. It makes it hard for me to see that rejection is a good thing, because I see it as failing, and I fear that if a woman gets to know me better she might see through me, and see how scared I really am.

Plus, those expectations let me to believe that everyone is watching and judging me constantly, which may be the reason while I feel so uncomfortable in social situations, sometimes. Maybe worse, I seek the approval of even complete strangers (and women), and avoid conflict, probably because I feel like I'm being judged all the time.

I'm trying hard to get over that at the moment, by focusing more on what I want out of life, and, more important, facing those fears and acting anyway. I'm just afraid I might lose the drive I'm feeling. So, another insecurity right there.

Yeah I can imagine that's a tough one, because that thinking can snowball over time.

I don't know much about exactly how you'd deal with that, but I imagine it's something like giving yourself 'permission' to fail. I know that sounds a bit new agey, but I think it comes from really going for something, with the knowledge that you may well fail in it, and then embracing that failure as much as possible if you do fail. Accepting the feeling and exploring it so that you can fully come to terms with what it means to feel, and realise it's not such a bad thing. Then you can move forward with less pressure on yourself.

[Chaos]

This is a really interesting post!!

Is difficult to focus on oneself insecurities. Right now one of them for me is that fear of commitment that Mark was talking about, but probably for different reasons.

Right now I've gotten to a point where I have a reasonably amount of options with girls (nothing PUA like but enough to make me happy) and what I've observed is that, once I have sex with them, I'm usually invaded with a feeling of fear of commitment and the need to move on to the next.

The reason behind that, I think, is the fact that I've had two long relationships in the past (2 and 5 years) and after them, looking back, I left thinking I had lost a lot of time. I was young, I wasn't good with women and in retrospective I just settled with the first thing with boobs that came my way. Not that they were bad, but they were relationship based on fear and the availability of sex, not on real connection, in fact we hadn't almost anything in common. So now, when I consider someone for long term relationship I raise my standards to an impossible limit and judge the smallest stupidest things, and I start having those doubts straight after sex... no matter how casual it is.

I'm dealing with it by trying to relax and simply let it unfold any way it goes. Is funny because I've always advised to take an approach like "meeting, basic connection, casual sex, strong connection, relationship" and to now worry about anything because maybe you won't get that strong connection... Thing is I'm having trouble following my own advice.

The other insecurity is related to my looks. It's nothing rational, but having been fat in the past, and having felt extremely unattractive, those insecurities tend to leave a deep mark on you, so every now and then they jump at me and I feel extremely insecure when approaching attractive girls, like if looks are against me. That happens specially when I approach extremely good looking girls. I'm not dealing with that in any form, just letting time do his job. I was a lot more insecure a year ago than I am now (which is not that much anyway), and I expect to be a lot less insecure in a year.

[Chaos]

(03-30-2012 04:40 AM)Mark Wrote:  But one day I will... and one day I will have to confront this and figure it out. And that worries me, as every year that goes by that I continue living like this, I think I'm going to be worse-equipped to do so.

I share that feeling, right now I'm just taking the HIMYM approach: I'll let future Chaos worry about it.

[Zac]

[Guyintheback]

(03-30-2012 09:48 AM)Tim Wrote:  I don't know much about exactly how you'd deal with that, but I imagine it's something like giving yourself 'permission' to fail. I know that sounds a bit new agey, but I think it comes from really going for something, with the knowledge that you may well fail in it, and then embracing that failure as much as possible if you do fail. Accepting the feeling and exploring it so that you can fully come to terms with what it means to feel, and realise it's not such a bad thing. Then you can move forward with less pressure on yourself.

Yes, that probably is part of the solution and I know what you mean.
The thing is: I know that failing at a certain task doesn't mean I'm failing at life. I just take those failures (for example a failed approach) way too personal and brood over them endlessly.

The worse part is that I fear to start things, because I fear to fail at them before I even do the first step. To overcome that I try to do everything that makes me feel uncomfortable, and don't fall for my own excuses anymore.
The things I still don't do I write down, and also write down my excuse for not doing them and then the real reason that stopped me from doing them to expose my fear to myself.

---

(03-30-2012 11:49 AM)Chaos Wrote:  The other insecurity is related to my looks. It's nothing rational, but having been fat in the past, and having felt extremely unattractive, those insecurities tend to leave a deep mark on you (...)

I was chubby, too, until I took up running in 2001. The mind really takes longer than the body to adapt to that!

I'm not gay, and I'm not saying that to be friendly, only because it is true: The first time I saw your picture on this site I thought "That is a good looking guy."

[Chaos]

(03-30-2012 03:17 PM)Guyintheback Wrote:  Yes, that probably is part of the solution and I know what you mean.
The thing is: I know that failing at a certain task doesn't mean I'm failing at life. I just take those failures (for example a failed approach) way too personal and brood over them endlessly.

I shared that fear related to women for some time, but there was a shift based mainly on my progression at work. Rationalization in this case helped me a lot because the problem was only present with women.

The thing is I know I want resolutive people in my team. I prefer someone that is able to take a decission and move forward, and that just take responsibility when he screws up, than people that just avoid taking any kind of action. That's a fact, I prefer that kind of people and in addition that's what has consistently got me promoted. As one of my bosses said, "you make a boss out of the ones who throw responsabilities on their own shoulders, not the most brilliant or the most qualified."

Look at it this way. The only people that will judge you for trying and failing is the people that never try themselves, the rest of us are not judging your success or failure, specially not with women, we judge just the trying part so whenever you find yourself thinking that way congrat yourself on trying.

I'm deathly serious, I have a friend that won't ever try to approach, not ever. I haven't seen him approaching ever. And I don't give a fuck if he fails or not, I've been rejected more than enough times to know it doesn't matter... And I have another friend that critiques him for not approaching... Guess who doesn't approach either?

Quote:I'm not gay, and I'm not saying that to be friendly, only because it is true: The first time I saw your picture on this site I thought "That is a good looking guy."

Well thanks. Fact is I know I'm reasonably good looking but a funny thing with self image is that, once you relax and take it to of your mind, specially when there isn't a mirror around to remind you that you're not fat anymore, you go back to your old self image. In my case, after having spend around 15 years being fat, that means that when I relax the "picture" that appears in my mind is the chubby kid walking in the club, and is that image what I have to fight. But as I said I think that's completely normal and expect it to disappear with time.

[Pineapple]

Something I'm getting better at, but still have a ways to go on is fear of failure.

All my life I've had far too much pressure put on me to succeed at everything I do (mainly by my mother). This has unfortunately led me to subconsciously avoid many opportunities where I have a chance at failure. I've chosen not to apply to certain jobs because I thought there was no way I'd be chosen for an interview. I didn't apply for music in university because I thought I wouldn't be as good as people who practice hours a day. For a long time, I indirectly turned down sex because I had little experience and didn't think I'd live up to the girl's expectations of me in bed. Fortunately, as I said, I'm getting much better at this, but its still something I need to work on.

[bwong]

My biggest insecurity is my age; I'm 25 still in school working on my undergrad with another 2 years to go. I'm not financially independent and feel like I should be farther in my life at my age. Yes I know its irrational given that everyone is different, goes through different paths, and does things different, but I still can't shake off this feeling of being inadequate. I guess its somewhat of an inferiority complex that I still carry with me from since I was young. Don't get me wrong, I don't necessarily lack confidence, its just this one thing that troubles me when I take a look at the people my age and compare. Oddly enough, I know this feeling won't exist in two or so years time.

[Traindom]

My big insecurity right now is that I won't achieve my potential. I don't mean to brag, but I know my worth. I'm pretty capable, resourceful, and smart. I know I have the potential to make something great or be a part of something great. But I'm worried that I'm going to be tied down to some job from 8 to 5 in some corporation or business. I'm afraid that as an engineer, I'm just going to be a well-equipped worker, nothing more. Yes, I know engineering is a great science, and I enjoy it, but I'm afraid that I won't innovate or have something to show for years of hard work. This could be an issue of lack of passion though. But at this point, I don't know.

I get all tingly inside thinking of being like Leonardo da Vinci. He seems to have achieved in life what I want to achieve. Innovator (has something to show for), artist, engineer, and more. I like him because he showed that you can be a little bit of everything and still be a stunning success.

I've thought about being an entrepreneur. I've also thought about being an actor after watching some great actors like Michael Pitt give such grand performances. I've also thought about joining the FBI or CIA. I know I don't want to be a doctor, nurse, accountant, or an investment banker, so that narrows down my choices.

This insecurity is related to another big one. Finding my life purpose. I need to find a purpose in my life that satisfies both my need for doing something I love and challenge my intellect to the absolute limit. For example, I'm afraid that I'll have a lack of intellectual stimulation that seems to permeate the culture in Los Angeles if I dive into acting. I'm afraid of letting go of my intellectual roots for fear that the very same thing that defines me will fade away and I will be nothing.

To clarify, I want to find both my life purpose, forever challenge my intellectual roots, and have something to show for it. I think I'm going to study Leonardo da Vinci and Nikola Tesla to get a feel for their work and even passions. I believe that I could be like them if I absolutely go balls out on what I want. Don't get me wrong. I put in a lot of effort into my work, but just thinking about max effort, I know I am capable of so much more.

P.S. I love this thread. It is really nice to get this out. I think I'll print my post out. I need a journal.

[crazyhorse]

(03-31-2012 01:15 PM)Traindom Wrote:  My big insecurity right now is that I won't achieve my potential. I don't mean to brag, but I know my worth. I'm pretty capable, resourceful, and smart. I know I have the potential to make something great or be a part of something great. But I'm worried that I'm going to be tied down to some job from 8 to 5 in some corporation or business. I'm afraid that as an engineer, I'm just going to be a well-equipped worker, nothing more. Yes, I know engineering is a great science, and I enjoy it, but I'm afraid that I won't innovate or have something to show for years of hard work. This could be an issue of lack of passion though. But at this point, I don't know.

I get all tingly inside thinking of being like Leonardo da Vinci. He seems to have achieved in life what I want to achieve. Innovator (has something to show for), artist, engineer, and more. I like him because he showed that you can be a little bit of everything and still be a stunning success.

I've thought about being an entrepreneur. I've also thought about being an actor after watching some great actors like Michael Pitt give such grand performances. I've also thought about joining the FBI or CIA. I know I don't want to be a doctor, nurse, accountant, or an investment banker, so that narrows down my choices.

This insecurity is related to another big one. Finding my life purpose. I need to find a purpose in my life that satisfies both my need for doing something I love and challenge my intellect to the absolute limit. For example, I'm afraid that I'll have a lack of intellectual stimulation that seems to permeate the culture in Los Angeles if I dive into acting. I'm afraid of letting go of my intellectual roots for fear that the very same thing that defines me will fade away and I will be nothing.

To clarify, I want to find both my life purpose, forever challenge my intellectual roots, and have something to show for it. I think I'm going to study Leonardo da Vinci and Nikola Tesla to get a feel for their work and even passions. I believe that I could be like them if I absolutely go balls out on what I want. Don't get me wrong. I put in a lot of effort into my work, but just thinking about max effort, I know I am capable of so much more.

P.S. I love this thread. It is really nice to get this out. I think I'll print my post out. I need a journal.

wow that pretty much nails it. Last time we shared a passion for macro-economics and now this, haha . No I'm not owning two accounts, I truly believe that traindom is not me. lol.

But I'm in the same boat. Right now, I'm graduating from college. And just like you, I know that I'm capable of a lot. Hell people confirm this to me on a pretty regular basis. But I'm really afraid that I won't live up to my potential. Really scary sometimes.... Alhough I'm very proactive about this fear, but it definetly has its grip on me.

I'm also a bit cynical on our current economic situation. Somehow, I start to get the feeling that a degree isn't really worth that much anymore. Virtually everybody in my school is going to work for the big four. Those are the four biggest consultancy firms in Belgium. But the ammount of horror stories that I hear from these companies. I don't know whether blue collar workers are really that different from white collar workers. I'm probably having doubts because I'm about to graduate, but my I don't think I'm that off the boat with my impressions.

I tend to belive that either you belong to the top 3% in your field or you're worth nothing. Think about it.....

[Traindom]

Really? Nice. The day that we meet, space will warp around us haha. Yes, I totally agree about the blue-collar and white-collar worker issue. I was reading the forums one day and this electrical engineer started talking about his work. He knew his stuff. He was smart. I mean, he had to be to get that degree. But when he described his work, the feelings of discontent were palpable. He described his work in such drab and unremarkable details that I was totally repulsed. He seemed pretty discontent too. It's like, the only difference between him and a construction worker (for example) is the preparation. It's still the same 8 to 5 thing and that drives me crazy. A degree isn't a guarantee of success, it seems. It comes down to the person's will.

I wouldn't say you're worth nothing, but I understand your point. Nobody wants to be the second best of anything. I believe the issue we both have is that we don't want our lives' work to be work that some other guy could have done. I want to have left a positive mark on the world, which would surely separate me from the rest and confirm our potential. I don't want to be like the soldier figures generals regard in broad, indifferent terms. We want to be the guys that saved my comrades and took over a base (I apologize for this metaphor). I want to be that guy. I want to believe I have something to offer and am significant, even if in the short run. I can't stand the thought that I might as well have been Engineer Joe in the long run.

[crazyhorse]

(03-31-2012 03:04 PM)Traindom Wrote:  Really? Nice. The day that we meet, space will warp around us haha. Yes, I totally agree about the blue-collar and white-collar worker issue. I was reading the forums one day and this electrical engineer started talking about his work. He knew his stuff. He was smart. I mean, he had to be to get that degree. But when he described his work, the feelings of discontent were palpable. He described his work in such drab and unremarkable details that I was totally repulsed. He seemed pretty discontent too. It's like, the only difference between him and a construction worker (for example) is the preparation. It's still the same 8 to 5 thing and that drives me crazy. A degree isn't a guarantee of success, it seems. It comes down to the person's will.

I wouldn't say you're worth nothing, but I understand your point. Nobody wants to be the second best of anything. I believe the issue we both have is that we don't want our lives' work to be work that some other guy could have done. I want to have left a positive mark on the world, which would surely separate me from the rest and confirm our potential. I don't want to be like the soldier figures generals regard in broad, indifferent terms. We want to be the guys that saved my comrades and took over a base (I apologize for this metaphor). I want to be that guy. I want to believe I have something to offer and am significant, even if in the short run. I can't stand the thought that I might as well have been Engineer Joe in the long run.

Yeah it's still worth something. I've looked up my degree on a vacancy website and it's still in the top 20 (place 16) of most worthy degrees on the labour market. So yeah, I shouldn't panick.

I agree 100% with what you wrote in your second paragraph. I'm really repulsed by mediocrity.

One thing that really struck me about the fact that I'm graduating, is that all of a sudden you're a number. And the picking is mercilessly. This just happened recently in Belgium, Bekeart company sacked 600 of its employees, yet their CEO strikes up a big bonus because he has achieved his goals. That's also what I ment with either you're in the top 3% or you're worth nothing. Those guys in the absolute top get to decide your faith. Off course, you can always work very hard to get there and I plan on doing so. But this situation left me feeling very cynical. I also think that if you reallly want to get far carreer wise, you can only succeed if you are shrewed and calculated.

I'm not saying that the situation is hopeless, but their is such a huge gap between those who have power and between those who don't. And the consequences of it are very vast. Even if you make it to the 3%, there is just so much rejection going on. I really find it weird that I'm so conscious of this all of a sudden. Hell seems like I'm becoming a socialist .

It's the same in dating. Why is that I can go out and have girls staring at me on the dancefloor etc. all these things that girls do to get the attention of men. Why is that when I showed up girls all of a sudden were interest in me instead of the other men (sometimes these guys were my friends!) they were with. Sometimes so much is out of your control. Yes you can change a lot, and a lot if possible. But if you are born 5 foot tall and you're ugly as well, I don't think you'll stand much chance with the ladies.

It's very sad but it's true.

This is the inner conflict that I'm having so much lately. I seem to be doing well, but yet so much rejection is going on in today's society. On the other hand you don't have much choice, you have to play the system by its rules. And those are, that you come first and someone else comes second, else you'll always be second.

sorry for the rant

[Traindom]

The numbers may seem against us, but I think that if we like what we do, it's worth it. What do you want to do in life? I'm curious.

[TexasFan]

My biggest insecurities

Fear of success: I fear success in a weird way. For some reason i feel like i don't deserve the most basic things like going to an awesome college, owning a business, even getting a girlfriend. Sometimes I feel like something is fundamentally wrong with me compared to all the other people.

Fear that no one will like me: This has been proven bogus by myself again and again over and over again in the past 2 and half years. I have made innumerable number of friends and acquaintances. Even had a few sexual encounters. Yet this fear keeps creeping up over and over and i keep buying it.

Fear of women: Despite being a little comfortable interacting with girls over the past two years, i still have a healthy fear of them. I feel like i don't deserve a hot girlfriend and even if i did she would immediately dump me after finding out what i really am, or how my family is. (Not trying to blame my family for anything but i come from a family that never really taught me to take risks, become vulnurable, confident, or stepping out of the box)

These are the top insecurities that i can think of from the top of my head. There are several more but these are the biggest ones.

[NakedAndFamous]

My biggest fear is to not achieve a truly fullfilling life. When i'm on my dying bed, i don't wanna admit to myself that i didn't go after the things i wanted. Be it in my lovelife or in careerchoices.

My biggest insecuritys are:

Being too hard on myself: Sometimes this is actually a good thing, because most of the time i fuck up i try to make up to it by cutting unhealthy habits and reading a book or going to the gym. But sometimes when i'm making a mistake im constantly in my head for the next 2-3 days and i begin to question my every move.

Another one is not taking action with women:

I have a terrible fear of approaching girls. When i'm scoring the approach was either random or i was drunk. And thats pretty much the reason i didn't have a serious relationsship until now, even tough i've made out with alot of girls. But after the first night, most of the time i realize that we just hooked up because i was drunk and im really not that interested. What brings me to my next problem: I really don't know how much "value" i bring to the table at the moment. I've had a shitload of positive changes over the last couple years, but my image of myself is still behind of what i embody nowadays. And i think my results, even though they're not THAT bad, should be way way better.
Over the last 2 years i've been constantly avoiding to take action. At least i've avoided it with good habits like going to the gym, reading,dressing better, travelling or hanging out with friends. And that brings me back to my first fear: On my deathbed, i don't want to think that i've wasted my twenties by being a pussy.

[Thor]

Being in my mid 40s now I am afraid of not being able find a girl and experience making love to a girl I am attracted too. I am afraid of girls learning that I have had no experience of sex apart from paying for it.

[Creatine Dreams]

@oldguy: Don't give up dude. If you keep growing and improving, you will find a great girl. Now on to your second insecurity...

First off, you have experienced sex. Although prostitution is not an ideal way of having sex, it is still sex. So at least you know the mechanics of it. I just got out of my first real relationship, and I had the same fear.
Let me tell you, the first time was drunk and awkward but I quickly got better at it.

Here is the thing. Sex is way better with a steady partner because then you adapt to your partner and they adapt to you. I look at sex as being similar to kissing. It is a kinesthetic experience that gets better the more you become comfortable with a partner. The first time you have sex with a girl, you might not last long because it is a new stimulus and that can be very arousing. However, the next few times you have sex will be better. I think this has to do with being desensitized to your partner. You will last longer and that will allow you to get into a rhythm and find out what you like and what your partner likes.

Here is another thing. Sex will be way better if you have it with someone with whom you have a mutual emotional connection to. That is one thing that prostitution cannot give you. You need to find a girl who you like as a person and not just as a sex object. For me, attractiveness is a threshold issue. If I am attracted to someone, then the main thing I look to next is whether I enjoy spending time with them and whether they enjoy spending time with me.

Finally, this may be a little off topic, but I recommend you examine your usage of porn and masturbation habits. While it may not be a problem for you, it was definitely a problem for me. When I first started having sex with the girl I was dating, I had trouble getting an erection. My mind was conditioned towards being aroused by porn. Although I had no problems getting it up the first two times, I did have problems after I became desensitized to seeing her naked. As a result, I stopped watching all porn and cut down my masturbation to once a week. After that, I found that I lasted a lot longer and also found the girl to be sexier. This led to better sex, and better sex leads to sexual confidence. Which I now have.

Anyways, keep your head up and I wish you luck.

[questra]

(03-31-2012 02:19 PM)crazyhorse Wrote:  

(03-31-2012 01:15 PM)Traindom Wrote:  My big insecurity right now is that I won't achieve my potential. I don't mean to brag, but I know my worth. I'm pretty capable, resourceful, and smart. I know I have the potential to make something great or be a part of something great. But I'm worried that I'm going to be tied down to some job from 8 to 5 in some corporation or business. I'm afraid that as an engineer, I'm just going to be a well-equipped worker, nothing more. Yes, I know engineering is a great science, and I enjoy it, but I'm afraid that I won't innovate or have something to show for years of hard work. This could be an issue of lack of passion though. But at this point, I don't know.

I get all tingly inside thinking of being like Leonardo da Vinci. He seems to have achieved in life what I want to achieve. Innovator (has something to show for), artist, engineer, and more. I like him because he showed that you can be a little bit of everything and still be a stunning success.

I've thought about being an entrepreneur. I've also thought about being an actor after watching some great actors like Michael Pitt give such grand performances. I've also thought about joining the FBI or CIA. I know I don't want to be a doctor, nurse, accountant, or an investment banker, so that narrows down my choices.

This insecurity is related to another big one. Finding my life purpose. I need to find a purpose in my life that satisfies both my need for doing something I love and challenge my intellect to the absolute limit. For example, I'm afraid that I'll have a lack of intellectual stimulation that seems to permeate the culture in Los Angeles if I dive into acting. I'm afraid of letting go of my intellectual roots for fear that the very same thing that defines me will fade away and I will be nothing.

To clarify, I want to find both my life purpose, forever challenge my intellectual roots, and have something to show for it. I think I'm going to study Leonardo da Vinci and Nikola Tesla to get a feel for their work and even passions. I believe that I could be like them if I absolutely go balls out on what I want. Don't get me wrong. I put in a lot of effort into my work, but just thinking about max effort, I know I am capable of so much more.

P.S. I love this thread. It is really nice to get this out. I think I'll print my post out. I need a journal.

wow that pretty much nails it. Last time we shared a passion for macro-economics and now this, haha . No I'm not owning two accounts, I truly believe that traindom is not me. lol.

But I'm in the same boat. Right now, I'm graduating from college. And just like you, I know that I'm capable of a lot. Hell people confirm this to me on a pretty regular basis. But I'm really afraid that I won't live up to my potential. Really scary sometimes.... Alhough I'm very proactive about this fear, but it definetly has its grip on me.

I'm also a bit cynical on our current economic situation. Somehow, I start to get the feeling that a degree isn't really worth that much anymore. Virtually everybody in my school is going to work for the big four. Those are the four biggest consultancy firms in Belgium. But the ammount of horror stories that I hear from these companies. I don't know whether blue collar workers are really that different from white collar workers. I'm probably having doubts because I'm about to graduate, but my I don't think I'm that off the boat with my impressions.

I tend to belive that either you belong to the top 3% in your field or you're worth nothing. Think about it.....

Traindom, Crazyhorse,

Your comments resonate well with me. I was trained as an Electrical & Electronics Engineer, worked for 2 years in a non-engineering role, and the past 3 as an engineer in a big-4 or big-5 company.

I'm still searching for my life purpose as well, but am pretty sure it's not what I'm doing right now. You probably know this as well, but I know very few engineers/people within my company, or out in the corporate world who are totally happy with their jobs and living their dreams. It could be that a lot of people just work to pay the bills instead of doing what they really love - or perhaps the fact that the typical company will give you a whole list of responsibilities, of which you may only like one or two.

Perhaps when you graduate, you can give engineering/working for a corporation a shot and see if you like your job. There are brilliant and happy people who work for corporations, get huge pay/benefits and are happy with their jobs too. People in the 3% perhaps. You could be one of them, provided you find the right mix of company, boss, colleagues and job.

In a nutshell, what I'm trying to say is that I believe some people (although I haven't found mine yet) can find their 'calling' and 'purpose' while working for a traditional 8-5 job. It's worth giving it a try so don't be too skeptical when you first step out after graduation either

And btw people who are thinkers like you guys, and willing to work hard typically get well promoted in corporations too

[Mark]

One of my best friends works in the marketing division of one of the biggest corporations in the world. He loves it. He loves the corporate ladder. He loves the corporate politics. He's good at it too.

So yeah, some people enjoy it.

[FirstAidKit]

Ya, I'm a Mechanical Engineer and my job is awesome. I work for a theatre automation company helping to design and build trapdoors and revolving floors and the like, and I'm currently working on some stuff for the Blue Man Group. (Do BMG know a 22 year old fresh graduate is designing stuff that could literally fall and kill people if she does it wrong? Maybe!). It helps that the company culture is a really good fit for me - my coworkers are all really good, and there's this expectation of competence that permeates pretty much everything they do which really makes me want to do my best.

I think engineering students can get pretty lazy when trying to get jobs, there's loads of stuff outside the box that uses an engineering degree that isn't boring.

[Thor]

Thanks mate reading your post put things into perspective. I have to be honest that I do I find younger girls attractive but have alot to learn about women. Which is exactly why I am here. A relationship with someone I can click with would certainly help me learn more about the opposite sex.

(04-05-2012 06:52 AM)Creatine Dreams Wrote:  @oldguy: Don't give up dude. If you keep growing and improving, you will find a great girl. Now on to your second insecurity...

First off, you have experienced sex. Although prostitution is not an ideal way of having sex, it is still sex. So at least you know the mechanics of it. I just got out of my first real relationship, and I had the same fear.
Let me tell you, the first time was drunk and awkward but I quickly got better at it.

Here is the thing. Sex is way better with a steady partner because then you adapt to your partner and they adapt to you. I look at sex as being similar to kissing. It is a kinesthetic experience that gets better the more you become comfortable with a partner. The first time you have sex with a girl, you might not last long because it is a new stimulus and that can be very arousing. However, the next few times you have sex will be better. I think this has to do with being desensitized to your partner. You will last longer and that will allow you to get into a rhythm and find out what you like and what your partner likes.

Here is another thing. Sex will be way better if you have it with someone with whom you have a mutual emotional connection to. That is one thing that prostitution cannot give you. You need to find a girl who you like as a person and not just as a sex object. For me, attractiveness is a threshold issue. If I am attracted to someone, then the main thing I look to next is whether I enjoy spending time with them and whether they enjoy spending time with me.

On the subject of porn I have to rid of my computer of this as I find myself masturbating to porn twice a week. I really need to cut it down to once a week whilst I am going through a dry spell.

Finally, this may be a little off topic, but I recommend you examine your usage of porn and masturbation habits. While it may not be a problem for you, it was definitely a problem for me. When I first started having sex with the girl I was dating, I had trouble getting an erection. My mind was conditioned towards being aroused by porn. Although I had no problems getting it up the first two times, I did have problems after I became desensitized to seeing her naked. As a result, I stopped watching all porn and cut down my masturbation to once a week. After that, I found that I lasted a lot longer and also found the girl to be sexier. This led to better sex, and better sex leads to sexual confidence. Which I now have.

Anyways, keep your head up and I wish you luck.