RE: The No-More-Porn Thread
I was just having a read through the forums and noticed the thread concerning the effects of watching porn and relationships. This instantly caught my attention!
Here follows a pretty long life tale (sorry). Even if you don't read this, it feels good to know I'm going to lay it all out there.
I think you would have a hard time finding anyone who has started watching porn at an earlier age. I was 9 when I first looked at my first porno, purely accidental at my uncle's house. I just played the video that was in the VCR and 'BOOM', I was hooked. I was so fascinated by what I was seeing.
Now, the problem for me was going to start around the age of 10 (I'm 26 now). My father worked away nearly every week, so basically I had free reign on what was on the TV when my mother went to bed at night. Back in the day, card hacks for foreign satellite were what we had in the house. All you had to do was run a basic DOS program to decrypt the card information, and wire a card from the laptop to the satellite. Et voila! Access to all of Europe's weirdest and greatest TV channels. Namely, my favourite, TV1000. I believe this was a Swedish hosted station. Anyway, at 11 o'clock every single night, the 'good stuff' would come on. I would sneak downstairs and fire up the laptop, make sure the signal was able to be transmitted to my TV upstairs in my bedroom. I would watch porn from the age of 10 to 11 without knowing 'what to do with it', if you catch my drift. Even though I wasn't masturbating to it, I would watch it regularly. I would record nearly 2-3 videos every week.
Now, by the age of 11, I had figured out what this porn stuff was all about. I had my first wank. Well, as I'm sure you can relate, that was all she wrote. The next 10 years would be a haze of furious and copious amounts of self abuse! The porn just got harder and harder the more I watched, and I watched a lot. Every single night! I was making a lot of money at school selling all of the videos I would record during the week when my father was away. People knew me as 'The Porn King'. A strange title for a 13 year old boy at a catholic school. All the older kids knew to ask me for the porn, and I gladly provided it. I enjoyed knowing that I was needed.
At the age of 15 I had my first relationship. This was the start of a personal hell of a problem...
I had been with this girl, who was absolutely beautiful (Hmm, can I still say that about a 15 year old, I guess so, I was 15 too!) for around 3 months. The pressure to start experimenting was looming. For some reason, I was nervous. This was not what I knew. This wasn't how you were supposed to have intimate times. It was supposed to be on your own, in your room, phallus in hand, watching some girl being stuffed from all angles. Oh dear. We were kissing on the sofa... Nothing. I put my hands down her pants... Nothing. She then put her hands down my pants... NOTHING! I panicked. This wasn't supposed to be what happened. I was sure I was supposed to have an erection. Literally nothing. Not a thimble of blood. I quickly got up and made some excuse about having to go upstairs and check something. "Shit, what am I going to do? Nothing is happening. I know, I'll quickly put on some porn and try to get an erection. Then I'll run downstairs and everything will be fine".
I put the porn on... Nothing. "Wait, what? This is porn. This is what gets me my erections". Everything was going wrong.
I went back downstairs, shaking. I was a mess. It had all gone so wrong. And so began the era of my lack of confidence, and hellish experiences of ED.
Without going too much more into it (I feel this is something that a person who doesn't even know me is very tired of reading!), I had a very nervous sexual adolescence. I successfully had sex about 2 times with that particular girlfriend, and had many failures. I was still religiously watching porn, extremely hardcore porn, regularly. I was 16. From 16-18 I had various different girlfriends, all of which I decided to stop seeing after a few moths from fear of having to try and have a sexual experience with them. Relationships would end for no reason, and I could never tell the truth... I was scared. Petrified.
I met a nice girl when I had not long turned 18. She was a virgin. This filled me with some sort of confidence. This girl had zero expectations. She had nothing to compare me by. Still, I was quite nervous. I was determined to try and sort this out. This was the time I had to try and move on. I devised a cunning plan (my lord). I would not masturbate or watch porn for a week before seeing her at the weekend. This was something I had not done since first watching porn all those years back. This would be tough.
Come the 4th day, I was struggling. Feeling like I was ready to blow! Could I make it till the weekend? I was looking forward to seeing her. Still nervous though.
So, the time has arrived. I made it the full 5 days. We were getting quite passionate and close. A miracle! An erection! A mother-chuffing erection! "Don't panic, don't think about sex. Just relax", I said. "Oh lord, she has grabbed my dick! It's still hard. This is good". Hmm, that other issue that blokes tend to worry about is creeping up. "Oh shit, she has barely touched and I'm feeling ready to blow. Fuck this, I've waited years for this. Just go man, just go!". To spare the graphic nature of what happened next, all I will say is that it was a success. A success! I couldn't believe it. I felt amazing. I felt so happy.
Right, even I'm getting fed up with this story telling. How the shit do writers write books?! There is so much more to tell, but jeesh, I can't be arsed. Oh, and I forgot to mention the manic depression and psychological issues that plagued my life from 16-19!
Basically, I had the most horrible experience of my life. I had a really, unbelievably bad trip on some hash. I had been drinking shit loads and then did a huge bottle bag (I wasn't a seasoned user). I lost my shit, BIG TIME. I basically had Deja Vu for 2 hours straight, where I was determined that I was living the same life over and over again, hence the Deja Vu. I thought I was dead. That my life was a dream. Cue 4 years of hell and depression. I'm still not fully recovered. Anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, psychiatrists, psychologists... Yada yada yada. Thankfully I am not taking anything at the moment and am trying to deal with my thoughts all by myself. Still, this year is a particularly difficult one for me, what with 21/12/2012 looming. Yep, not a good thing for a person who suffers from derealization to look into and to consume his spare time with. That's for another forum, I guess.
Oh my God, get to the point!
Super condense... GO!
I broke up with the girl I was with from 18-19, it just wasn't the right thing for me. Sex was going well. Not many issues. Viagra helped me get going, and that's the confidence I needed. When we broke up, I started seeing my best mate's sister (oops). I was scared about the sex, again, but she was another virgin. Hmm, a safety net for me? Anyway, after a few issues in the bedroom, we actually had a good sex life for 5+ years. I was pretty much safe and content with myself and my performance. I had finally found a happy place.
That brings me to the point of all of this... Porn!
I had really cut my intake of porn down (not completely, maybe 1-2x a week). I think I always knew it was the porn that had caused all of my problems. I had an addiction!
Any who, we broke up. The relationship had run its cause. I was watching more porn towards the end of it! Correlation? Things felt stale and my whole attitude stank!
So, I'm single again and 25...
I find the most incredible person I have ever met in my entire life. She is everything I've ever wanted. She's funny, interesting, thoughtful, kind and funny. She is just so much fun to be around. I was smitten. Now, here is a problem I had so far managed to avoid. A 28 year old girl, who has all of those traits is most definitely not going to be a virgin. YIKES! How am I going to cope? She had slept with 16 people. I had slept with 3! 3! I was like a rabbit caught in the headlights.
It took a long while to get my confidence, with lots of problems along the way. I had to take viagra a fair few times. She was amazing with my problem. She was so thoughtful and really made things better. We have been together for over year now, and it has been incredible. I'm not always on fine form, but I'm happy and we have a great sex life.
Now, again, back to the reason for all of this... Porn!
I have never managed to watch so little porn in my life. I want to be perfect for this girl. I was doing well for a long part of our relationship. Only falling off of the wagon probably once or twice a month. I felt happy. I felt good.
Unfortunately, we started to argue, and this would lead me back to my old vice. I am now watching it around once a week, sometimes twice. When I finish, I feel absolutely awful. So bad, Like I have done something wrong to her. And I guess I have. It is wrong. I wouldn't be happy if she were doing it. That's another problem, she told me she masturbated after watching Eyes Wide Shut. I basically thought this was the same thing as I was doing, only without it being graphic. This was bad for me, as it meant I had an excuse to watch it more. I have now realised that it is wrong for me to do this. I don't want to go back down this road.
I have installed an adult site blocker on my PC and I have a chart next to my bed. A 'No Fap No Porn' chart. I am on day 4... I want this to last forever. I want this shit out of my life once and for all.
So sorry for this long winded shit from a guy who you've never spoken to in your entire life.
If you read all of that, you are a saint.