So what, I will do better and be better, dangerous mentality here?

[Reesays]

So for the past few days on my vacation, I have been subject to some mistreatment from my peers and to an extent others. We have to go to conferences and such and the person I am partnered with is better looking, brighter, a year older, and overall a better person to be around than me at times.

Anyways, I know rejection can be bad but it is like everytime I get rejected or anything of that nature, and this has been going on for a while, instead of crying about it I resort to this mentality:

So what if I get rejected, I'll show em, I am better than this and soon I will be above them. Good looking girl rejected me? Fine, tons of them out there that look even better, life goes on!

Now this has given me some unrealistic expectations. I have worked at and dreamed of having celebrity level looks and an outstanding social life and leaving a lot of the people in my current town behind.

I have worked at it and progress has come. Now my issue is this, is the mentality I have dangerous or harmful to me?

[baller08]

Part of me wants to help you, Reesays because that's what my first inclination will be. However, you're what I call a "Butwhatabout Guy".

I've attempted to help guys like you before but you're an emotional blackhole. It doesn't matter what anyone tells you....for example it could be something simple as,

Me: "Reesays, do not text a girl more than 3 times if she hasn't responded because usually that will come off annoying for her."

You: Butwhatabout my cousin's friend's roommate? He texted this girl 15 times and she went over one night and had sex with him?


You're like a walking version of that Ashton Kutcher show "Punk'd". You rope people in to invest in your progress and problems and then you find every minute reason known to man to explain why it won't work for you and then go about your merry way.

So I don't think I feel like being Punk'd today.

[Tim]

(04-05-2012 09:54 PM)Reesays Wrote:  We have to go to conferences and such and the person I am partnered with is better looking, brighter, a year older, and overall a better person to be around than me at times.

Whoa that's negative thinking. Crazy...

To answer your question directly, that 'me against the world' mentality isn't completely negative. If it gets you inspired to actually do something, and provokes real change, then it's better than believing you will never change and it's not worth making the effort.

What you have to make sure is, when your situation does improve over time, that you are able to slowly rid yourself of that belief, and realise that you had nothing to prove in the first place. That you were a person with plenty of innate value before the change. Of course creating that change may be the only thing that allows you to get that perspective on yourself, and so that's where this determination to prove yourself is a good thing for a while. It's just if you don't eventually deal with it head on there's a good chance it won't go away, and you will be stuck in a trap of trying to prove yourself to those around you.

[Edmond Dantès]

Well here are my thoughts:

I know what you're talking about. When I was younger and discovered the whole dating advice industry and started to improve all areas of my life, I had the same mentality you describe in your post.

Believe me, when I say, I know what it's like to have this incredible desire to be better and more successfull than the guys who bullied you, made fun of you, didn't take you seriously or didn't want to hang around with you.

And let me tell you this one thing: First of all, it's okay to have these feelings. It's okay to be mad at them and to have the wish to become an outstanding man, to become the best possible and most true self you can be.

Do not discard these feelings, own them and use them as motivation. A common saying in the self-development-industry is "Pain is the greatest motivator" and it's absolutely true. The desire to get away from something is always stronger than the desire to get towards something. But what is also true is that the desire to get away from something isn't as healthy as the desire to get towards something.

A lot of negative emotions like sadness, frustration, anger creates this point of no return - effect which results in a moment of your life, where enough is enough and you make the concious decision to change. And because of these negative, painful emotions it's far more likely that you take action. It becomes a necessity while can't be triggered by positve emotions in this early stage of your journey.

What's great is that you see that this mentality can harm you in the longrun. I know guys who got stuck in these negative emotions they felt and they focused on becoming better, because they wanted to defeat their enemies of the past by success and show them how great they're now.

The key note here is that they used an longterm external motivation (I want to be better looking them him, having more money than him, be more successfull than him, etc) instead of an longterm internal motivation (I want to look this way, live this way, achieve this and have a woman with this looks and characteristics, because...it makes me feel great about myself and makes me happy)

The result of any external motivation is that it won't make you very happy, because you have to get validated for your success and accomplishments by others to feel good about yourself and even the feeling of triumph will fade away soon.

So what you should keep in mind is that you should slowly change your motivation reasons from external to internal to guarantee your personal fulfillment and happiness.

But it isn't bad to use !!!short-term!!! negative emotion motivation, you just have to know when you have to jump off the train otherwise you'll start to become a misognystic person.

[Reesays]

(04-05-2012 10:32 PM)baller08 Wrote:  Part of me wants to help you, Reesays because that's what my first inclination will be. However, you're what I call a "Butwhatabout Guy".

I've attempted to help guys like you before but you're an emotional blackhole. It doesn't matter what anyone tells you....for example it could be something simple as,

Me: "Reesays, do not text a girl more than 3 times if she hasn't responded because usually that will come off annoying for her."

You: Butwhatabout my cousin's friend's roommate? He texted this girl 15 times and she went over one night and had sex with him?


You're like a walking version of that Ashton Kutcher show "Punk'd". You rope people in to invest in your progress and problems and then you find every minute reason known to man to explain why it won't work for you and then go about your merry way.

So I don't think I feel like being Punk'd today.

I text girls once, and never again after that, that is that.

---

to edmond: did those guys ACTUALLY become better than their "bullies"?

btw strong post

---

pretty sad when even the admin of the board is against you and has given up all hope on you, disregarding any efforts you have made to take time off and actually improve yourself

such is life

[Tim]

(04-06-2012 03:56 AM)Reesays Wrote:  pretty sad when even the admin of the board is against you and has given up all hope on you, disregarding any efforts you have made to take time off and actually improve yourself

such is life

http://postmasculine.com/you-are-not-a-victim

Keep reading this until you get it. Even if Mark is not posting advice, Edmond and I just did. If you want to actually change and improve, you'll focus on that, not feel sorry for yourself that Mark doesn't see the value in weighing in.

[Mark]

If you actually wanted to hear my advice, I'd post it. But you've shown no evidence of actually taking advice up until this point, so I see no reason to waste my time.

Fix your attitude and then I'll be glad to help.

[bwong]

(04-06-2012 03:56 AM)Reesays Wrote:  pretty sad when even the admin of the board is against you and has given up all hope on you, disregarding any efforts you have made to take time off and actually improve yourself

such is life

I would think giving up on yourself would be even more sad.

[Zac]

Quote:pretty sad when even the admin of the board is against you and has given up all hope on you, disregarding any efforts you have made to take time off and actually improve yourself

If you'd start posting these improvements you were making and some progress here and there, I'm sure this sentence would have a little more weight.

I've asked you like the same 3 questions over and over and over and over. I could point to like 5 threads. You still haven't answered any of them.


What do you do outside of school? What groups are you involved in. What interests you that you could get more involved in? How many people do you hang out with regularly?

Last time I ask those questions. Very last time.

[trader4life]

All I can say is - WOW!! So some admin on a board (happens to be Mark in this case) is "against you"? Really? You just said that you have this "so is life" attitude or whatever with people you actually know so what does it matter what some dude that runs a company that happens to deal with improving yourself thinks or doesn't think about you? Oh, BTW, you have never even met him so why is he so great? That is the epitome of a victim mentality.

If I were you I would completely and 100% forgot about women for now. You could hook up with 10 hotties in a row and I actually think you would be worse off.....ESPECIALLY if one of them dumped you. You're headed into a wormhole buddy!

[Pineapple]

Start up a journal topic again. I remember you making the most progress during your last journal (although you seem to have regressed back).

[baller08]

Reesays -

Alright, this will be my first and only attempt to help you help yourself. I'm not going to debate anything with you or go back and forth. I would high recommend that you read what I'm going to tell you CAREFULLY and SLOWLY. If you refuse to accept or understand what I'm going to tell you then it doesn't matter what you do because your life won't improve.

Before I start, here is something that you must do: Print this article out and read it every morning before you even brush your teeth. Do it every day indefinitely.

Ok now listen….

I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to answer it in your mind before you scroll down to read the rest of my post.

Question: What is the main difference between a very rich man and a very poor man?

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Most people will say "money" or something along those lines. It isn't. The main difference between a very rich man and a very poor man is how he thinks of himself, his relationship to money, and what he feels is his purpose in this world. The main difference is Mindset or Frame of Mind.

It isn't luck. It isn't genetics. It's how they think. I'll give you 2 examples:

1) If Bill Gates all of a sudden lost his billions, how long do you think it would be before he made his first million back again? 2 years? 5 years?

Money didn't make Bill Gates. The way Bill Gates thought about himself and the world around him made him his money.

2) How many times have you heard of a poor person winning the lottery only to be bankrupt in 5 years? Why didn't money change this person's life for very long? Its because his mindset was poisonous and it eventually destroyed any of the good his money brought him. In the end, that man was poor not because he was unlucky but it was due to his poor mindset all along.

So how does this pertain to you and your life, Reesays? Your life sucks right now. You're not happy. But that isn't because you're Indian or that white girls think you're a terrorist or that you should be taller or richer or cooler. You're not unlucky. You're not born with poor genetics.

You're like that really poor man who has poisonous thinking. Your mindset is corrupt, therefore everything in your life is corrupt. If I could snap my fingers and make you white, make you taller, gave you tons of money, gave you better conversational skills, gave you great sex skills, and provided you with a stylist…guess what? Your life wouldn't improve very much for very long. You will eventually find a way to make your life bad again, just like those poor people eventually found a way to be bankrupt.

Why? Because everything good in life starts with your mindset. Everything. Every guy you see that is successful in life, he starts with having the right way of thinking. Every time you make an excuse or talk about a reason why you can't do this or get that….you're thinking wrong. Every time you use your upbringing or nationality to explain why women don't like you…you're thinking wrong. Until you learn how to purge your thoughts of negativity and start to think about all the things you can do to improve every facet of your life, nothing else you attempt to do will matter.

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

Like most guys who start on this journey, you try to short cut your way to a great Destiny. All you're focus on are your actions. "What do I do in this situation?" "What do I say to this girl?" "What do I do to get this girl?"

But all of your actions get poisoned because your words are corrupt. Your words are corrupt because your thoughts are corrupt. That is why no matter what anyone tells you and no matter what little progress you've made, you always slide back to square one.

Mindset, Reesays....and only you can change that.

[Reesays]

those were strong words, but if I think that I will keep bouncing back isn't that resilience? and is resilience not indicative of a strong character?

[Edmond Dantès]

(04-08-2012 01:02 AM)Reesays Wrote:  those were strong words, but if I think that I will keep bouncing back isn't that resilience? and is resilience not indicative of a strong character?

*facepalm* I give up on you, start to get the feeling you're trolling us

[Mark]

No Reesays, I think it's a pretty useful mentality for you at the moment, just make sure you don't start becoming hostile towards others because of it. But yes, use your pain and failures to motivate yourself.

[Reesays]

well for now I have given up on the approaching part, getting more info on style and eating healthier now too

the vacation pummeled me with junk food which I gave into easily

[Reesays]

(04-06-2012 01:51 PM)Zac Wrote:  

Quote:pretty sad when even the admin of the board is against you and has given up all hope on you, disregarding any efforts you have made to take time off and actually improve yourself

If you'd start posting these improvements you were making and some progress here and there, I'm sure this sentence would have a little more weight.

I've asked you like the same 3 questions over and over and over and over. I could point to like 5 threads. You still haven't answered any of them.


What do you do outside of school? What groups are you involved in. What interests you that you could get more involved in? How many people do you hang out with regularly?

Last time I ask those questions. Very last time.

What do you do outside of school? Gym, workout, go to startbucks to study, and have joined some volunteer groups.

What groups are you involved in?
not many groups I am involved in, hard to do so unless you have money here but I am social so I end up getting a lot of friends

What interests you that you could get more involved in?
sports, so I play soccer (intramural) outside of school

How many people do you hang out with regularly?

sometimes I am alone but I hang out with 5 to 6 frat guys who are trying to get me to join their fraternity

---

BTW, Edmond: you never answered my question

[Edmond Dantès]

Yup, they're now a lot more successfull, in every area of their lives.

[SeXyBaCk]

Wasn't there a girl that had you over that liked you and had been on a date on?

I don't get some of you guys, okay you're inexperienced, I get it. You come across a woman that displays interest...frigging pursue her. If she's comfortable let you into her home she's down for all sorts of other stuff. Call up, meet up. You're not gonna feel better about yourself just talking about it to a bunch of strangers.

Okay you've given up with approaching, you can still follow up on what you have. You're not going to learn to learn being comfortable and opening up to people you randomly chat up at a starbucks anyway. You need to have intimate conversations and feel comfortable hanging out with a girl/woman in all sorts of different situations and telling them more about yourself. This is how you figure out who you are, what you are like, more importantly, what you like, what you dislike in others and how to get/ask/demand what it is you want and need.

Finally, join the frat and move into the frat house for the summer semester (if there is one).

Reesays you come across as incredibly neurotic to me, you could double for a character in one of the old woody allen flicks (which doesn't always have to be a bad thing, but you might be making yourself suffer). You're expending vast amounts of energy and time on analysing and thinking about ... let's call it social theory.

You want to get somewhere, who cares how you got there. Focus on doing now what is holding you back.