Share your epiphanies and insights - big and small

[Halo Effect]

We all have those moments where we suddenly realize something that boosts our awareness or understanding, or our results. Sometimes after countless hours of trying to understand, and sometimes it just comes to us out of nowhere - a sweet "aha!" moment.

Let's all share those insights and epiphanies we've had. They can be major ones, that changed your entire perspective, or the smallest insights that were still interesting to you!


I'll start with some recent ones. They all seem to be related to being assertive and congruent with myself and my emotions.

Being assertive means that you simply assert yourself. Being assertive does not mean being angry. Being assertive does not mean being defensive. Being assertive does not mean being conflict-seeking. Being assertive does not mean being annoying or emotional. Being assertive simply means that you state what you want/think/believe/etc. That's it.

I love women. I love tits. I love a tight ass. I love sex. That may sound hardly epiphany-worthy. They sure were obvious in my life; from my thoughts and actions it was clear I loved women and sex. But I realized pretty recently that it felt weird when I explicitly admitted to myself and others that I love women, that I love sex. Even though I knew this was true, I had never admitted it. I had never expressed it. I had never fully owned up to it and embraced it as MINE. Even though sex is important to me now and I love doing it, it STILL feels a little odd to proclaim: "I love sex." Nice Guy conditioning, it seems like!

I have long been unaware of my preferences and opinions. I've never been an opinionated guy. I was the guy who said "I don't care where we go. You decide." I thought I meant it.
One day I bought a meal at a take-away restaurant. The woman asked me if I wanted the sauce on the meal, or separate. I said "I don't care". The woman challenged me playfully: "No, you decide. It's your meal." Suddenly I realized that I wanted that sauce not on my meal but separate. It was clear as day. I liked it better that way. But not only did I not say that to the woman initially, I was not even aware of this myself! So I have learned that I *DO* have preferences, and that I need to look hard inside myself to get in touch with what I truly want, and then act on that.

Women love to please you in bed. (This is especially true if you put in great effort to give her pleasure.) I had heard this countless times. I could see it clearly when I had sex. But recently I realized how powerful this is and what the implications are.
I realized this after I did some fairly kinky things with a girl, which she had never really felt a strong desire for beforehand. After she saw how much I loved it from my reaction to it (sincere, intense pleasure), she absolutely loved doing it with me. Then I did the same with another girl, with the same result. (In fact, the girl said: "Why did you never say you wanted to do this before?!")
The more you show how good something feels for you, the more she likes it. If you show tremendous pleasure, this is very rewarding for her. Expressing yourself in bed is huge!
Another insight: Being assertive about what you want and like in bed is not only good for your experience, but also for hers. If you refuse to share what you're really into, then you deny her the pleasure of giving you immense pleasure. Even if it's kinky, you may give her a gift by telling her what you want and "letting her please you".


It's obvious I'm working on becoming more assertive right now from my insights. But just to be clear, this thread is about insights and epiphanies of ANY kind. Looking forward to yours!

[Zac]

If you find things you care about and work towards those goals you will find yourself day by day, week by week, month by month, and year by year being a slightly happier person day by day.

[crazyhorse]

For me it was reading this website:

http://www.yourbrainonporn.com

It was as if I was reading about myself on an internet page.

Today's society is enormously unaware about this.

[luda]

I've always knew that you control your life and through hard work you can achieve anything. But its not until recently that I truly believe it. This might be over-confident but I do believe that I can achieve the type of life I want to live and that's its all in my control.

[YMZ]

Great thread idea.

Over the weekend, I realized how cluttered my life is with unfulfilling stimulus. I'm thinking things like facebook, porn, videogames, espn.com - all a click a way when I should be doing something more meaningful. I realized this while driving 20+ hours on a roadtrip. It was honestly shocking how much clearer my thinking was without the above inputs. Without these distractions as a cop out, I would engage in uncomfortable thoughts more.

For example, I blew it pretty hard with a really pretty girl. Instead of checking her profile on facebook, cringing, loading up some porn, and then instinctively typing in espn.com after that, I was really able to think deeply about a) why I liked her so much in the first place b) why I place such a premium on looks c) what void I was hoping to fill, since my negative emotions were so vivd. After all that, I was able to realize the awareness it took to go through so many levels, and then the fact that this awareness is absolutely not possible when there's a constant itch for stimulus. On the trip, even reading some articles and posts on this site - ones I've read before, no less - felt more vivid.

(Even in this lull while I'm trying to think about what to write next, my fingers almost opened up facebook without my noticing.)

[ssowns]

Becoming a man that women love means relying on yourself for your needs, wants and desires. Everything from that 'difficult' problem at work to meeting amazing women to doing work around the house. In other words you have to handle your own business, don't depend on others unless you are actually consciously seeking advice.

[Guyintheback]

1. Fear is my number one enemy.

I guess deep down I knew that for some years already, but only in the last weeks, by posting here and being really honest with myself did I understand this.
I had excuses for everything: Not acting on the chance to have a ONS - "Nahh, she's not my type." or "Nahh, she's more of a friend, that would be awkward." Bullshit, I was just afraid of being judged because of my inexperience.
I always wanted to visit the U.S. - "Nahh, it's too expensive." Bullshit, I was scared of going alone.
I want to try this. - "It's probably not as much fun as it sounds." Bullshit, I was afraid of making a fool of myself.
Etc. etc. etc.
Every opportunity I missed out on in my life I missed out on because I was afraid.

2. We visualize ourselves in images which might be outdated/wrong

I recently read that people tend to visualize themselves acting in familiar and unfamiliar situations before they actually encounter these situations.

Anxious people or people who are not comfortable with what they are about to be doing visualize themselves from the outside, as someone else would see them, often in a very negative light. Confident people tend to visualize what they would see doing something, or acting in a certain situation.

For example, when I think about approaching a beautiful women, I see myself from her eyes, as my 14 year old, baby-faced, chubby self. I imagine in my mind how she sees this little child-me walking across to her. No wonder I feel inadequate in such a situation.

[Salaam]

1. Every action I undertake is a form of self-expression. From the way I work, to the way I love, every action tells something about who I am.
2. Internalizing love and value for my effort is one of the most essential ingredients to success. It is also the only thing I allow to be attached to my self-worth.
3. Love is like an ocean, it can sweep you off your feet, envelop you in liquid warmth, or rage and crash down around you. It can never be controlled, you can only flow with it, like riding a cresting wave. It ebbs and flows, wetting the shores of our being. Forever waiting for us to summon the strength to swim its currents and dive in as deep as we are able... Its those women who are strong and courageous enough to dive deep, that I cherish the most.
4. Love is the only thing that truly matters. Everything else is just a means to that end or a distraction.
5. Whether an experience is good or bad I neither chase or avoid it. Just embrace it and move forward.

[NakedAndFamous]

You will not get anything by being passive.

I realized this one time when i went out with a good friend of mine. We went to a nightclub and we've met some girls we already know a long time there. They had a very attractive friend who tagged along.
So we groupchatted a little bit and it was pretty much on from the get go, she always looked at me and tried to make eye contact, laughed a little to much at my jokes etc. You know how it works. Well, after a while she was talking with my friend and i went to get some beers.
When i returned she left him mid-sentence to come talk to me. From then i was a little bit to sure of myself and put her on hold and tried to play it cool. Just to realize that my friend was making out with her when i came back from the toilet.


People are more concerned with themselves than with you

I grew up with a very manipulatve best friend. He was pretty much a persuasive asshole. And so everytime i tried to change something about myself he was there to tell me that it sucked, that i couldn't to this or that. And so my self esteem was pretty low during my teenage years and i thought everyone would judge me as hard as he did. Over the years i've distanced myself from him and found real friends who supported me. This changed so much. With my new self-esteem I started to realize that most people just don't give a fuck what you do with your life because they're concerned with themselves. So you better just live your life the way you want and deserve it.

Extremes are rarely any good

I think you need balance in your life. This is somewhat hard to put in words, but over the last years i realized that most decisions are neither good nor bad. They're just decisions with different consequences. And you can't always tell from which consequences you will profit the most in the long run.

Replacing bad habits is the key to success...

...But there are some points to consider:

1. Do it step by step. Don't try to change your complete lifestyle from one day to the next.

2. Your Self-Perception will trail your actual results. This is absolutely normal and only time will fix it.

3. Information - Action - Reflection

This is the mantra i follow for achieving my goals and implementing new habits. For maximum efficiency, its important that all those 3 parts are in balance.

I would've never quit porn if it wasn't for this forum / yourbrainonporn. Simply because i didn't realise how much damage it has done to me. With this information it was far easier to muster up the willpower to quit. And everytime im tempted to look at porn or to masturbate it is my self reflection that keeps telling me that the short dopaminboost isn't worth it.

Most things are not in your control

And this is a good thing. Stop complaining about what you cannot change and try to improve things that are in your control.


Im sure there are plenty more when i think about it, but this should be enough wisdom for one day

[Zelazny]

It's okay to just be yourself
Even if you feel that you're boring, silly and not worth to be a part of something, people will accept you, especially if they recognize that you're finally showing who you really are.

This is the strongest lesson, and I'm still trying to shed my chameleon mask of the happy, pumped-up and socially active person that I've adopted in my teen years.

[Oli]

My current life motto: I'll make it work.

There's no shame in your asking people for help.

Bring out the best in people and they'll bring out the best in you.

Feel small and look for small things and you'll be small. Dwell on big things and you'll be big.

Don't neglect how you feel and how things make you feel.

Having faith that everything will turn out ok is the only thing that will keep you sane sometimes.

If you're unhappy, ask yourself if your expectations are unrealistic. Slow it down.

This one's hard, but: view things as scarce and they'll be scarce. View things as abundant and they'll be abundant.

Own up to your flaws. Own your strengths.

Re social skills: feel/look awesome and make the other person feel/look awesome.

It's often your choice whether anxiety equals fear or excitement

[Guyintheback]

It doesn't matter what other people think of you

This is a hard thing to grasp and apply for me, but I made a big step the other day.
I was out running, it was a beautiful warm day, I was putting in intervals, everything was in perfect flow.
Until I saw a guy who might or might not have been someone who kinda bullied me at school (making comments about my weight, how I couldn't get girls etc.), and suddenly I was feeling down. I was thinking "Was that him? He had a girl with him, I bet he gets laid all the time. I bet he is so successful right now. Am I even running fast right now? I bet he thinks I'm slow. I bet he can run faster."
Then I started thinking about how I'd like to punch him in the face, how I'd call out his behavior if I ever saw him again, basically I was full of revenge thoughts.
So that beautiful workout turned into something much less fun.

I ran on for a couple of miles, all the time thinking about him, until it hit me: Why the hell do I let my energy and fun be sapped by the sight of someone who might not even have been that guy? Why the hell do I care what he thinks about me? Why do I even think about what he might think of me? Even if he thinks I'm the biggest tool he ever met: Why should I care? It is just his own opinion.
And if I ever meet him again: Why should I react to him by attacking him? Why do I not just act and ignore him? Why should I be bothered by someone about who's opinion I don't actually give a shit?

And with those thoughts I actually started laughing and ran on, everything in flow again. That was a beautiful moment and a beautiful realization.

[chiclover]

The cure for not only approach anxiety but hesitation to escalate all the way to sex can be solved by cutting out porn and masturbation. I can't tell you how powerful that is!!!

[Drewid]

The first person who has to respect your boundaries is yourself.
He's also the one who you're the most likely to let break them.

[Edmond Dantès]

-No one is coming to solve your problems. You have to do it.
-You're not a victim.
-The only things that block my road to success are my ego, my shame and my anxieties.
-Ask for help and it shall be given to you. (Even as a recovering nice guy do I have problems with asking for advice sometimes)
-Integrity is a worth pursuing value as it increases your self-esteem and self-confidence

-Don't be afraid to fail. Be afraid of not trying. But don't be afraid to fail.
-My escalation problem is heavily corelated with sexual anxiety. I have to deal with both topics at the same time.
-If I decide to go out and talk to women, I have to dedicate all of myself to it. No "Let's combine it with shopping or having a coffee or doing something else" anymore. It only distracts myself.

[Salaam]

Our focus is our reality. The present moment is the only thing that truly exists. In that present moment, the only thing that exists for a person, the only reality, is what that person's attention and focus is on.

What happens when you see a woman that makes you feel, and you hesitate... you start to think, your attention shifts from her, to the distance between you and her, that becomes your reality. Your focus. A tough reality to surmount... so fuck surmounting it, don't solve it, side-step it. Choose a different reality. Choose one based in pleasure. Problem is people have trouble believing in a reality of pleasure. Another problem is most people don't realize that they can choose their reality. And an even bigger problem is that very few people realize that the reality they allow themselves to be in, is fucking stupid.

Edit: A cool ass thing is conditioning. Conditioning our focus is like blazing a path in the forest of our mind. And like a path, the most well traveled paths stick out the most, demanding our attention. Thats why starting a new path can be difficult. But eventually its not so difficult, and then its just empoweringly cool. The power of undivided attention, when attention is creation.

[Tim]

Lying awake in bed I was thinking of an ex (get your minds out of the gutter) and I remembered back to an experience that I realised was a really big deal for me, and definitely belongs to this thread.

My second girlfriend I dated for less than 2 months all up (she moved to another country), but it was a hugely influential relationship for me, because of experiences such as this:

One night we were lying in her bed talking about random stuff, and somehow got on to the topic of how she had slept with an ex just after a break-up. Something inside me felt threatened and I coldly responded that it was a bitchy thing to do. Considering that she had been opening herself up and entrusting me with this secret, she was unsurprisingly hurt, and immediately shot back something like "You have no right to judge me Tim".

I fell silent and we lay there in the dark, right next to each other but not touching, and with this huge distance of understanding between us. I felt my heart beating fast, and a mixture of fear, regret, and uncertainty swirled within me. For what was probably only a few minutes, but felt like much longer, we let the silence reign over us, both resenting the other person for what they had made us feel.

We had only been dating for a couple of weeks, so we still had so much to learn about each other, and by most people's standards not enough evidence that we could trust each other. Our breakdown in communication was proving that.

But as I lay there I felt compelled to say what I had been realising. I felt my voice catch in my throat, but I slowly whispered to her that I was sorry. I explained how when my previous ex-girlfriend had slept with a mutual friend after I broke up with her, it had left me feeling betrayed. I hadn't realised it when I had reacted, but this was why I had felt the impulse to judge her, and done so with such bitterness. She said nothing as I told her this story. We continued to lie there in the dark. Then I took a breath and, without any judgment of her but only the fear of being misunderstood, I suggested that maybe she reacted strongly herself because of some guilt she was feeling about her actions. Then I stopped talking.

Out of the dark she replied that yes, this was the case. It was obvious to me that, like the bitterness towards my ex, this wasn't something she had properly confronted before. She explained how it had happened at the time, why she had done it, and that she did feel guilt for it.

All of a sudden the disconnect was separated. We might or might not have talked for longer after that, but either way the most important part was what had happened. After we finished talking we slept together and it was some of the most meaningful and connected sex I've ever had.

That experience taught me the power of vulnerability long before Mark started writing about it. I think it was one of the most defining experiences for my development away from being a judgmental person, from having only really opened myself up to my first girlfriend, and was generally just hugely influential for me.

If I had to sum it up in an epiphany, it would be about how powerful a connection can be when you're willing to admit you were wrong, to show the source of your pain, to show why you are who you are, whether that's an attractive thing or not, and to risk being misunderstood for the sake of a real connection. I've admitted far darker secrets to people, or opened up to people I had less established trust with, but no experience has required the same amount of courage, self-honesty, and authenticity that that did.