Shaming oneself

[Zac]

Does anyone know any good books, articles, or resources to help one stop shaming oneself?

I defiantly have a lot of catholic guilt and I don't think I have a very healthy relationship with myself.

I don't think I have much sexual shame, I'm talking more on building up your personal relationship with yourself.

[Mark]

"Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown
"Shame and Guilt" by Jane Middleton-Moz

[Salaam]

One thing that has helped me with shame is removing the secrecy involved with it, by talking with someone about it and just taking the time to write about it in my diary so I can pin down what my fear is surrounding that shame.

I have also recently implemented daily practices of self-love, self-acceptance, and self-forgiveness that are helping me lance the poison from the wounds carried by my emotional body. On an unrelated note, I am also implementing daily practice of conscious self-determination after reading Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning". I do this by asking myself when confronted with a moment, "how can I rise above this circumstance? How can I inject my own personal meaning by making this better?".

[Zac]

(07-09-2012 09:49 PM)Salaam Wrote:  One thing that has helped me with shame is removing the secrecy involved with it, by talking with someone about it and just taking the time to write about it in my diary so I can pin down what my fear is surrounding that shame.

I have also recently implemented daily practices of self-love, self-acceptance, and self-forgiveness that are helping me lance the poison from the wounds carried by my emotional body. On an unrelated note, I am also implementing daily practice of conscious self-determination after reading Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning". I do this by asking myself when confronted with a moment, "how can I rise above this circumstance? How can I inject my own personal meaning by making this better?".

Thank you. Can you tell me more about these daily practices of self-love, self-forgiveness, and self-acceptance?

[Salaam]

Sure.

Even though I am currently in great shape, I have a past that carries a lot of emotional wounds from growing up over-weight. As a result I still judge myself very harshly in that respect and beat myself down about it. But, now I make it a daily practice that when I am taking a shower I ask those parts of my body that I judge the most harshly for forgiveness and I tell them that I accept and love them. This may sound kind of corny to some people, but the first time I did it, the pain that came from inside me was such a deep guttural thing that my pain sounded like that of a wounded animal. I could feel the pain and poison from my self-hate and constant self-flagellation over the years, break forth and release.

I feel that there are specific domains for the mind, physical and emotional body, and soul. They overlap and integrate for sure, but there are distinct areas they handle and I make a conscious effort to monitor those domains and give them love and acceptance, as well as forgiveness when necessary.

I ask forgiveness for my mind for the fucked up programming all people were born with that brings about a wildly unrestrained inner-judge. A judge that constantly judges and punishes us for trying to live up to an impossible standard, that always tells us we're not good enough, that tears into our self-esteem as soon as we awake, like the eagle coming to feed on Prometheus' liver every morning to his eternal torment in Greek mythology. I practice self-love for my mind, by being aware of that judge and halting it in its tracks.

I ask forgiveness for my soul, for living in a fear based hellish reality and I practice love for my soul by distilling the tracks of my existence onto two roads. One road is love and the other road is fear. I constantly question myself as to whether I am in this current moment, living a life of love or fear. The differences are so distinct for me and it is only this standard I allow my inner-judge domain over, for even when I fail, there is no self-flagellation or hate, because that in itself is fear-based. When I fail, I succeed, becomes it reminds me to turn back to love, because I have supreme certainty that that is what truly matters to me above all else.

Whats really cool for me, is that those two tracks of life also tie into my self-determination and meaning. In that I realize that every time I choose to exist in this moment based in love, I am rising above this moment's base-line circumstance. I am choosing to make this moment better and giving it meaning. And nobody can take that away from me, it is completely self-contained and reliant upon me, no matter what the situation. Even with a gun to my head, I still have the choice to make the moment mine. And coming from someone who actually has had guns pressed to his head, that is a truly powerful and liberating realization.

These are things I do every day. As often as possible. And I feel it must be done every day, because our lives are what we choose to practice, and what we practice we master. I'd much rather master loving, accepting, and forgiving myself, rather than hating and telling myself that I'm not good enough.

[Creatine Dreams]

You can bench 315 pounds, dude! I think you have overcome a lot by doing that! But great post man! I feel you on the overweight thing. It definitely can affect you in all kinds of weird and unexpected ways. One of my pipe dreams is opening up a gym for overweight kids to teach them discipline and self respect. Teaching them that through the barbell, they can learn to overcome who they think they are and become who they should be. But one can never forget where you come from!

[Salaam]

Thats a fucking awesome idea!!! Dude you should put that idea up on those micro-giving/donating websites, like the one where that bus-driver lady had money donated to her. I'd donate to an idea like that.

And thanks my dude, I appreciate it.

[elsalwizard]

(07-04-2012 03:52 AM)Zac Wrote:  Does anyone know any good books, articles, or resources to help one stop shaming oneself?

I defiantly have a lot of catholic guilt and I don't think I have a very healthy relationship with myself.

I don't think I have much sexual shame, I'm talking more on building up your personal relationship with yourself.

Even though I had substance abuse issues part in due to shame of being sexually molested as a child, of 8 of us molested by this Pedeatrician in 1950s, only 2 of us survived, Alcohol and pills gave me temporary esteem, I joined the 12 step groups for years but left for my own reasons, worked it out with people of different backgrounds and beliefs, today I have self esteem, guilt and shame are appropriate for the moment if we make jackasses out of ourselves, I have many times and got over it! Learning experiences. I invite you to talk to ID Powers online at FB, R2D is for everybody, one module for believers another for non believers and if you never abused substances no matter you are able to download the program of your choice at no charge, why shame yourself? Who trained you to do that? https://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/Recovery2Day/

[jigga]

Growing up, my brothers and I were raised Catholic and one of my biggest challenges was getting over not thinking "bad thoughts". As an 11 year old, I already thought about violence and fights, but was doubly scared when I hit puberty and started thinking about sex as well.

Since my parents were too busy putting a roof over my head and food on the table, my only real guidance came from popular media, friends, and sunday school teachers. I had a fairly close social circle who I could share things with, but I have to hand it to my old sunday school teachers - they knew how to shame the shit outta people. Using pseudo logic, cold stares, and stern silence they got me to the point of going to confession every week for every ludicrous thought. And to top it off, they even lured my 8th grade self with those delicious sunday school donut and orange juice breakfasts. Bastards.

[Zac]

I was a cyo member, on the youth committee, and tried to teach Sunday school. They got me good =P

[TheImptuous]

As a refugee from r/pickup, I'm lucky enough to have been exposed to the ideas of Transactional Analysis, and I'd recommend you get into some of the classics of that branch of therapy (I'm Ok--You're Ok, Games People Play, What Do You Say After You Say Hello?) in order to see a really useful framework for how the mind talks to itself. Suffice it to say that the self-shaming process occurring in your head (in other words, negative self-talk) in a very real way mimics the process of a parent/adult authority figure shaming a child, though it goes well beyond that. Repeat ad infinitum, or at least until you decide to make the appropriate changes.

[Justin]

<3 zac

[SeXyBaCk]

So Zac's got groupies now... I see how this is going. Food for thought.

[Zac]

haha, I met Justin 2 weeks ago here. He came out with us and then we had a nice day strolling through the gardens and a museum. Then I brought him back to the house. Giggitty.

[SeXyBaCk]

You left out the chasing butterflies part. Which one of you was the fem then?

... should probably aim stay p.c. on the public forum huh.