(07-28-2012 03:57 AM)Alexander Wrote: Anyway. I guess I somehow got the message that sexuality is not cool. So, what's holding me back? It's hard for me to tell women that they're beautiful, because this puts me into such a vulnerable spot. Also, I think that they're going to believe that I'm hitting way too hard on them and will be made uncomfortable. It's just more fear of rejection.
Hey Alexander,
Great of you to share all this. I come from a similar place. I had very strong sexual anxiety too. I also came from a family where sex was never or rarely discussed, my parents never said "I love you" as far as I can rememer, and the most I ever saw was a rare, quick kiss goodnight on the lips. When they caught me with porn early in my puberty, they were very upset with me, and it was clear to my young self that my sexuality was not a good thing.
I didn't kiss a girl until I was 20, after drinking a lot of beer, cocktails and whiskey, and the girl approached ME!
I've come a long, long way since then.
You say it's hard for you to tell women they're beautiful, because it puts you in a vulnerable spot and it might make them uncomfortable, and you're afraid of getting rejected. These are your beliefs, which, for the most part, come not from experience in reality, but from the beliefs that you learned growing up. So in stead of focusing on those beliefs, I'll tell you what happens in the real world with real women when I compliment them.
I'm in Colombia now. The women here are beautiful. I've learned here to become even more direct and sexually aggressive. When I compliment a girl, she's almost always happy. One of two things will happen: she's not into me, and she'll thank me, but she will make it clear (usually very politely) that nothing will happen between us. I just made a girl feel better about herself. Not a bad thing, right? Alternatively, she can be interested in me, too. She will be very happy I complimented her. She might say something nice in return. She will open up and my compliment not only made her feel good about herself, but it escalated our interaction and we now know we like each other and nice things will probably happen.
Think about this: There's nothing more normal and natural than sexual attraction. There is nothing more normal and natural than a heterosexual man being attracted to women, and a heterosexual woman being attracted to men. EVERY single one of your ancestors, going back hundreds of thousands, millions of years, had sex! A man and a woman coming together is the most natural thing in the world. The sexual attraction you feel, you share that feeling with EVERY OTHER PERSON ON THE WORLD (including women!).
And your desire for a girl is one of the greatest gifts you can give her. It's a compliment on her beauty and attractiveness and femininity. (And realize this: if a girl becomes uncomfortable when you compliment her, then this can be due to self-esteem or sexual anxiety issues of her own!)
Quote:I did struggle with SERIOUS performance anxiety for a long time, and all kinds of issues with premature ejaculation. (You probably didn't want to know that!)
Oh, you're thinking for us now? You can discuss these issues openly on this forum. No shame here. I mean, for fuck's sake, I recommended other guys lick girls' buttholes in another thread, lol. (Note: do it after she showered.) You can discuss anything you need to discuss here. If you can't talk about it here, anonymously, then you probably won't discuss it with women in real life. And you want to get to a point where none of these issues make you feel ashamed.
I recommend taking the Sexual Confidence program. Keep posting here too. In a year you may look back on today and shake your head at the silliness of the beliefs you used to have.
Sexual Confidence Program - Exercise 1
