Setting boundaries

[Camal]

Hi guys,
my name is Camal and I am 25 years old. I am pretty new to this community and I have a Pick Up Theory background. My goal is to be the real me and a genuine men. So I like the words spoken here and I feel really comfortable about it.

So I started the Approach program by Mark and I really got some positive results and I am dating now a nice girl. When we are together is like the whole world doesn´t exist anymore and I really like that feeling she gives me.

But last week she doesn´t picked up my calls (2 x times) and doesn´t answered me on Whats App. So after 3 days she came back with the argument that I was a dick because I was telling her in the city that a girl in front of us got a real nice ass.

For me this sentence is really not a big deal and I can´t understand her that she didn´t told me that she is hurt by it.

I feel that the girl is really insecured about a strong connection. She is always over analyse my words. And I find this very exhausting.

I mean I cant be free with her if I must think twice about my words and she is again pissed for something stupid.

I want not to fight with the girl, I want to dance with her. So I am to not really experienced with relationships. I only got two, both last for 6 month.

In each relationship I was playing the pick up artist. Used tactics and was analysing each word from my partner. But I am now in the state that I just want people around me to be honest and respect me.

I think this are the biggest values for me in a relationship but also for all people around me.

So my point is. She was pissed due to a small sentence and didn´t told me that. But the more hurting part is, that I feel disrespected. I was calling her often and was trying to contacting her and she even didn´t called back due to this small thing.

This is the first time in my life I want to tell a person who is close to me, that I feel that there are not meeting my beliefs in a honest connection or relationship.

I want to be happy if she call me and if she is not calling that I know she is busy. I dont want to play games with her and I want the same from her. Just honest interest.

For me honesty and respect are the ingredients for trust. But if the other person is not giving me this I am ready to move on.

This is really the first time that I am just want to stand my ground and say what my beliefs are and I am not excepting that she will jump on me and kiss me and so on.

I have the willing to move away but I dont know how to tell her that.

I dont want to sound like her parents. I just want to make our relationship more easy and no gender fight.

If someone got some tips on this, I would be very happy to get a reply.

Cheér
Camal

[Tim]

Hey man, it sounds like you hurt her and she felt disrespected. It's hard to tell how unreasonable what you said was, but I don't think talking like that about another girl was respectful or necessary. In this case, it sounds like you have something to answer for.

In other circumstances if you were bringing up these complaints about her and you were finding her actions annoying, I'd agree with you that you need to tell her that it's starting to bug you, and she needs to just give you some space. If you're getting into arguments over something like this, then it's likely there's more misunderstandings like this.

Do you have some other examples of how she's overanalyzing what you say or complaining about it?

[Camal]

Hi Tim,
of course here are more.

We are only able to meet at the weekend due to her studys and my work and hobbies. So last week we got dinner and she told me that it´s 6 pm, I always leave at 8pm. So I just said "finally". It just popped out. And then she was asking me why I said "finally". It was just there and didn´t mean anything to me. But she got pissed again.

Another example are text messages. I once told her that I like the girls in my town but I found a really interesting one and that is she. I was more a compliment than a offensive thing. But she that came up with convictions like I am a macho.

For me this is like we are fighting but I know that this can be a way for her to express her feelings to me. She seems pretty jealous. But I dont want that she even think about me cheating or anything on her. I really open up with her. This was the first time I show the real me to another person. All my faults, my insecurities and it feel great.

Now I now what Mark was saying in his book about emotional connection. When I am with this girls, its the best thing for me. But on distance I am pretty uncertain about her actions and I feel needy and I am searching for validation from her.

Like I texted her. She must texted back. I am aware that this is more depending that anything else. So I will work on that.

But she showed me no respected due to some sentence, that we could work out with a smile. A small hit on my shoulder or anything else but not 3 days of no contact. This is not a kind of relation I am searching for.

Thanks Tim for your time.

[FirstAidKit]

Yeah, I think unless you know your girl also likes checking out women's asses (hooray for butts!) it's pretty disrespectful... and I think in combination with those other couple of things it just sounds like you hurt her feelings and she's feeling insecure (not unreasonably). I'd say apologise.

To the issue of ignoring you for 3 days when she got mad at you, I'd try telling her that if something hurts her feelings to tell you straight away so you can talk about it rather than letting it fester.

[Camal]

Thanks for your reply.

Honestly I am insecure how to contact her. I just wrote her right away "that i am sorry that she feels that way and I always wanted that she loves to be around with me. but I found her behaviour dismissive".

After that she didn´t reply or anything. So I dont know how to contact her. I was contacting her all three days and I feel that I was too showing up for her. In the old pick up days, I would think that I must take an freeze out and wait for her to contact me. But this would end in a playing game and I really dont want this.

Maybe her answer was just too rude for me or am I over reacting ?

Thanks

[Camal]

Hey,
here is my update.

So I called the girl again and talked to her about the thing that I was hurting her feelings and I followed FirstAidKit advice that I want her to talk straight about if she feels hurt by me.

And it really worked fine. We were again as cool as always.

So yesterday we both were at a big festival. A big firework were at the skys and I grabed her hand. She was squeezing it but after some seconds she took her hand away. So I was like she wasn´t receptive any more.

The we went to an rollercoaster and she grabed my hand at told me that I should hug her. I was really confused about this. SO the evening was going after that really good. It was a cool night with her.

At the end of the night we got following conversation. She told me about a guy who was telling her that she wasn´t attractive and she told him that he should say this to her face in personal. So they both meet and he told her twice. Then they both meet again by suprise and ate together but then the guy was really friendly and she didn´t know how to interpret this.

I was telling her that this can be a hit on by him to be interesting. And that I think the she is to nice and why she invest so much energy in people that are not respecting her and insult her.

Then we were talking about people who change there mind day by day and people who always are nice. So I told her I like people who got edges. Who are telling me me what they thing and stay to it.

So the night was over and today she called me.

She told me that it was a really cool night and everything. But she didn´t like that I want her to change. She thought that my "your are to nice" and the "people with edges" was an invitation to her to change.

So I told her that I just was giving her some advice for her good.

SO we were talking like 20 minutes about that and how we feel about each others. She was telling me she is happy to have contact with me and that she is interested but she can´t ensure that we both get together. I told her that this is cool and I can too cant tell her if we both are getting together but I like her and like now I am still interested in meeting her more often. She agreed with that.

So, I like that she called me to talk about this feeling but seriously, I was trying to feel her emotions about the guy insulting her and I was trying to help her with the "you are to nice". Am I to dumb to talk to girls or is this girls always try to see bad intentions about my actions ?

Also I dont get the point that she is interested but cant ensure that we get together. Maybe I am to pushy. When I look at my actions I really was like this will be my next relationship and I was straight going to the win. I think this must be my fault and I appeared really clumsy. But she is still interested and is calling me. But I dont like the back and forth and that she always will find faults on my side.

Is it possible to switch this again to an easy going connection ?

Thanks for any advice.

Have a great weekend

[MidnightRun]

This girl is pure trouble. Next her!

[SeXyBaCk]

Sounds like you're both young and she ...the way you portray her appears immature/inexperienced. If you like her, you'll have to put up with the drama that is coming your way. Some girls are just dramatic, eventually when they know you are theirs the drama becomes less frequent, sometimes there's just drama always which eventually will probably drive you nuts. No reason not to have a relationship though while you're young. Sounds like she's a bit messed up...but aren't we all? At the end of the day, you're overanalysing the whole thing. Go on dates, have fun, get to know her. But you should point out that you feel you're dating..whenever it is you feel you're dating and it should probably be exclusive, so no need for her to be responding to other men's attempts to draw her attention (like the other guy was clearly doing).

[Camal]

Hey thanks for your reply,
so I know that I am very inexperienced. She is also 25 years old. What do you mean by messed up ? Is like a rollercoaster with her When we meet in person everything is cool on distance she suddenly drop. Maybe she need more trust in this ?

Thanks

[SeXyBaCk]

Well, she's older than I expected but ok...age is just a number and doesn't always reflect someone's mental development.

By messed up... I meant her head sounds like it's all over the place, basically she's unsure if she wants to commit herself to being open and vulnerable with you, hence she's sending you mixed signals. The more time you spend with her you can expect her to trust you more (unless you do something that sabotages her trust) and I'd expect she to stop acting so erratic and more stable. The bad news is...there's nothing you can do right now to fix this. It'll just take time. So the question you need to ask yourself is not what can I do better but will I put up with this, do I like her that much that you're going to tolerate her being hot and cold for the time being.

You're trying to be too perfectionist in this yourself. Just focus on having fun and getting to know her. I'd also refrain from saying stuff like you're this or that, comments describing her character. They're often poorly received. It seems to me as if she's only just trying to discover herself what she is like around men she likes. So she takes comments like those as criticism, when you actually meant well.

[Camal]

Cool thanks.

Sometimes she totally opens up and than after that she shut down again. Like she regret things. I should at that she is a virgin. So maybe this is also a evidence that she is insecure and inexperience with men.

Thanks

[FirstAidKit]

You sound like you're doing okay, I'm glad my advice went down well. She just sounds kindof nervous and insecure - this will get better the more time you spend together, and keep communicating.

A good tip for the future when a girl is complaining or telling you her problem is to ask "Do you want me to give advice, or do you just want me to listen?". I guarantee you it will save you so much hassle - sometimes you just need to vent without someone jumping in to fix it.

[Camal]

Honestely I don´t know how to handle our relationship anymore. It is very confusing.

She knows everything about me, from friends and ask around, watches my facebook messages and if someone was a little bit offensive to me. She cheered me up, that she didn´t like his/her comment on my wall and I should pass on. This was very cute from her.

She iniated the last date. And she was sad because I could not meet her at the first time due to my training.

Also she always said hurting things like "she can life alone" and she "dont need someone". So I was thinking I am to pushy.

Since the last call from here. We didn´t contact ourself.

Thanks for your thoughts.