Sadness, not anxiety, is my problem with women

[PoliSci]

Hi. I've got good and bad news for you. And I definitely need help with the bad part.

Here's the good news. Anxiety no longer debilitates me when approaching women. I kinda look forward to those butterflies in my stomach now. I had this breakthrough about eight months ago.

Unfortunately, the anxiety has been replaced by depression, defectiveness, hopelessness and helplessness. It happened almost right after I got my anxiety under control. I can't hit on a women without being completely brought to my knees by these sad feelings. I think these are some of the causes:

1) I feel ashamed for never having had a girlfriend, never having been on a second date and for being a virgin at 20 years old. I know its profoundly irrational to feel bad about this. But I feel sad about it anyways.

2) I believe that most women my age, as well as most of my friends, have already experienced a romantic relationship. Thus, I feel defective when comparing myself to other people, despite being able to compare myself to a shit load of people who are worse off.

3) I've deluded myself into thinking that I'm too "inexperienced" to have a relationship, and that my sadness (formerly anxiety) prevents me from acquiring experience.

I know its all irrational, but rationally speaking, rationality has limits. I feel stuck with these beliefs.

I need your help. And if you have any questions, please ask. My sadness probably stems from more than these three sources. Wow, feels good just to write this.

PS: I also just posted this on Dr. Glover's dating forum. Here's a link.

[Mark]

Thanks for posting. And yes, just writing it helps.

You recognize that the beliefs are irrational, which is a good first step. But like you said, the sadness is probably coming from a much deeper source. A source that I'm probably not qualified to venture into, or that this forum isn't going to be able to help you with.

With that said, here are some things to consider:

1) There are a lot of beautiful and great girls who are still virgins at 18-20. And they feel the exact same way you do.
2) There are a lot of amazing girls who don't care if you're inexperienced and would be happy to be your first.
3) The fact you've been on some dates is a step in the right direction. I've worked with a 31-year-old virgin. I've worked with a 27-year-old who had never kissed a girl. It could be worse.

Not that any of this is supposed to make the sadness go away, but hopefully it'll give you a little kick in the butt to fight through some of it. But yeah, this is definitely a type of issue that therapy would help a lot with.

[Good Looking Loser]

^^that's good advice

a lot of guys that get laid a lot in high school because they are popular end up in college (without their friends) and without social skills and they don't get chicks and they have to move back home (that seemed to happen to a ton of guys in my high school)

so my point is it really doesn't matter about your past experience at age 20.. i know guys that lost their v-card at age 24-25 and have plowed 50,60+ chicks by age 30. its great that you want to take action and fix your dating/sex life

[Qlue]

I think it's great that you are being honest with yourself, which means you're not really deluded. We're somewhat similar, except for the sadiness part:

- Lost my virginity this month at age 26 after 6 months of being into pickup. Looking back, I've had several opportunities to lose my virginity throughout my life, and with some hot girls too, but didn't just care about meeting girls as I was focused on business. I also could have lost my virginity at age 14-15, but didn't care because I was into video games.
- Never had a girlfriend, for the same reasons as above, in addition I'm pretty picky, and just wouldn't enjoy being with someone who I don't like.

What I can tell you is that losing your virginity won't magically change things. In fact, nothing will happen, it will be no different as if you haven't lost your virginity. Maybe you've proven to yourself some minor thing, but that's about it. You will only achieve happiness once you've built the life you want, doing things you enjoy, and being in control. Which is what I'm working on right now, I'm working on self-discipline.

One thing I'd like to say is that it's the journey that's fun, not the destination. Every time I read a book and got to the "The End" I wished that I was still reading the book, that I was only in the middle of the book. Every time I finished something I really enjoyed doing, I wished I could start over. Every time I come home from traveling, I'm glad to be back, but I miss the thrill of having to survive for a week or two. In everything I've done that was worthwhile, I remembered all the problems and obstacles I've had to overcome. In the moment I thought they were huge, but after I finished everything, it was the obstacles that made my life interesting. Once you've completed your journey and arrived at the finish line, things get boring, so enjoy the journey.

You seem to have a lot of baggage, we all have baggage, your baggage contains all your reasons for giving up, like being a virgin or whatnot, another word for it is bullshit. Now you can let your bullshit rule your life, or you can accept your bullshit, own your bullshit, and say "you know what, I have this bullshit, I'm going to own my bullshit, and get what I want out of life." So it's your decision, either own your bullshit, or let your bullshit own you. The book Radical Honesty by Dr. Brad Blanton talks about this.

Hope that helps.

[PoliSci]

Thanks for your answers! I've decided to seek therapy.

I was evaluated by a psychologist last week and I'm on the waiting list. To be honest, I can't wait to start. Writing about my problem was one thing, but actually speaking to a professional, being understood and knowing help is on the way, is a tremendous feeling. I'm still on the waiting list, I haven't started the therapy, but already I'm feeling better.

Mark, Good Looking Loser, Qlue, thanks for your answers. I feel a little more hopeful.