Problems with commitment in relationships

[andrewkent]

I've got somewhat of a relationship-type dilemma on my hands.

You see, I'm to the point where I'm done man-whoring around and trying to pick up girls in bars, etc. Been there. Done that. Not that great. Actually kind of miserable at times.

I've really come to love women. Seriously love them. But I either have issues with commitment or connecting with them for some reason.

I meet a girl, start hanging out with her, the sex is good, the connection seems to be there, and then...it fizzles out for me. And the really fucked up part is that it seems to fizzle once I realize that she actually really likes me.

Some of the best memories I have are the moments I'm with a girl and everything seems to be in perfect balance. The tension is there, pulling equally from each side to keep some sort of strange, yet beautiful equilibrium between me and her...

And then it's just gone.

And when it starts to fizzle, every decent-looking girl that I pass by catches my attention and my mind wanders down the "what if...?" path far too much.

I'm beginning to believe that when a girl really likes me, especially after she's seen me warts and all, that I experience some sort of cognitive dissonance because subconsciously I don't really even like myself that much, so she must be crazy (from my fucked up point of view). That sounds like psychobabble, I'm sure, but I can't think of much else to explain it.

To complicate matters more, I only seem to like the girls that don't express much interest in me. Sure, it's part of who we are to want what we perceive to be unattainable, but why the fuck can't I just like someone who likes me? Why is the grass seemingly ALWAYS greener on the other side?

This past year or so, I've basically been in one short term relationship after another, and it ends when I freak out after she expresses that she wants more.

Before that, I dated a few girls at a time, but I still found that I wanted the ones that didn't show as much interest compared to the ones that seemed more attached.

Am I just not "hardwired" for commitment?

Am I just insecure with someone liking me because I don't like myself that much?

What's a good way to talk about this with the women I date?

[Chaos]

Seems like a very similar problem to the one I have.

http://postmasculine.com/forum/Thread-Th...nce-dylema

[andrewkent]

Thanks, Chaos. Sounds almost exactly like my problem.

[Trickster]

Honestly, it sounds like you are of the "avoidant" relationship type.

http://postmasculine.com/attachment-theory

"Avoidant: Avoidant attachment types are extremely independent, self-directed, and often uncomfortable with intimacy. They’re commitment-phobes and experts at rationalizing their way out of any intimate situation. They regularly complain about feeling “crowded” or “suffocated” when people try to get close to them. In every relationship, they always have an exit strategy. Always. And they often construct their lifestyle in such a way to avoid commitment or too much intimate contact. This is the guy who works 80 hours a week and gets annoyed when women he dates want to see him more than once on the weekend. Or the girl who dates dozens of guys over the course of years but tells them all she doesn’t want “anything serious” and inevitably ends up ditching them when she gets tired of them. Men are more likely than women to be avoidant types. Avoidant attachment strategy is developed in childhood by infants who only get some of their needs met while the rest are neglected (for instance, he/she gets fed regularly, but is not held enough)."

[Elbert48]

Many items in life require commitment, buying a house, a full-time job, selecting a college, etc. All of these changes can generate stress, question and worry. However, we generally think of romances when we discuss true dedication and many people, even those who declare they don't, have dedication problems.