Out-of-Nowhere Boyfriends

[omni]

I didn't realize that this had happened to me so many times until I was speaking with a friend about it this weekend. It comes up at least a couple of times a year. Women's boyfriends appear out of thin air.

There have been several times where I met an attractive girl and boldly stated my interest. Maybe I said she was beautiful and I wanted to take her out; maybe we flirted and she said she could embarrass me on a basketball court; maybe she was the hot bartender on a slow night who thought I was hilarious (though I bought nothing). This always happens after a good conversation (sometimes flirty, sometimes deep, sometimes just silly).

In all cases, we hit it off rather well, and the ladies really seemed interested. Sometimes they seemed a little surprised when I asked for their number (I attribute it to being surprised by my boldness of intention), sometimes they just seemed happy. In each case, I got their number. In each case, things imploded on the follow up.

Whether over the phone or in person sometime later, the lady-in-question mentions a boyfriend who probably wouldn't like her sepnding time with me. I don't get it. These weren't "soft" number closes; they really seemed interested in the plans we discussed. But when it's time to follow through, there's a boyfriend who she didn't think to mention when we met.

The female friend I discussed this with says that the girls were probably attracted and enjoying the attention, so they just went with the moment. If that's true, why not speak up at the end of the interaction? Doesn't waiting just make it more awkward?

Could they have just changed their minds about me? Maybe the boyfriends are made-up excuses? For the record, alcohol was a factor in none of these interactions.

I'd love to avoid this in the future. Maybe I should just ask about boyfriends outright. Either way, I'd like to hear your interpretations of why this happens.

[Jon]

In my experience, (this was discussed in another thread) it does not hurt to say "what's your relationship situation."

[Trickster]

Yeah, being straightforward about it can't hurt. Flirtation and affection is to women what sex is to men - validating, and intoxicating, so a lot of girls I know, even ones in serious relationships, will flirt just for the sake of flirting for that ego boost.

[omni]

(03-26-2012 11:55 PM)Trickster Wrote:  Yeah, being straightforward about it can't hurt. Flirtation and affection is to women what sex is to men - validating, and intoxicating, so a lot of girls I know, even ones in serious relationships, will flirt just for the sake of flirting for that ego boost.

Yeah, that makes sense. But why give me your number? Why not flirt until I ask and THEN mention the boyfriend?

Either way, I agree with your and Jon's suggestion of just flat out asking.

Jon, will you please point me to the other thread about this? I must be overlooking it.

Thanks guys.

[Trickster]

(03-27-2012 12:10 AM)omni Wrote:  Yeah, that makes sense. But why give me your number? Why not flirt until I ask and THEN mention the boyfriend?

Girls give out their numbers for a number of nonsensical reasons, sometimes because they want to, sometimes because giving it out and not calling back is easier than rejecting a guy out right, sometimes because they're drunk and they wanted to at the time and reconsider later on. It's pointless to speculate really. PUA guys will tell you that it's a "test" or some such nonsense, but if a girl tells me she has a boyfriend that's already enough for me to move on.

[machiavelli]

This happens to me all the time; it seems to be about evenly split between attention whores and impulsive girls who aren't totally averse to cheating.

[youregettingitwrong]

Sometimes girl with boyfriends will talk to you just to be friendly and chat. But if she is in a happy relationship and thinks that you are going from friendly to flirty, typically she will bring up her boyfriend in casual conversation and definitely is you ask for her number, a girl in a relationship will either not give it to you, or will make sure to let you know she's attached.

So if none of this makes itself present during conversation and she gives you her number at your request, it could be that perhaps she didn't want to say no. Often times, girls and boys too, find it hard to tell a person right to their face that they are not interested. Girls are talkers, most of us love to chit chat and gossip. So you might be misreading friendliness for interest and then these girls give your their numbers because they feel bad saying no.

It is much easier to fake a bf over the phone or text then to straight up tell you they don't want to give you their number. This is most likely what is happening in majority of your cases because I strongly believe that majority of girls in strong relationships are not going to be caught up in the moment and forget their boyfriends long enough to flirt with you and give you their number.

[baller08]

(03-28-2012 07:14 PM)youregettingitwrong Wrote:  Sometimes girl with boyfriends will talk to you just to be friendly and chat. But if she is in a happy relationship and thinks that you are going from friendly to flirty, typically she will bring up her boyfriend in casual conversation and definitely is you ask for her number, a girl in a relationship will either not give it to you, or will make sure to let you know she's attached.

So if none of this makes itself present during conversation and she gives you her number at your request, it could be that perhaps she didn't want to say no. Often times, girls and boys too, find it hard to tell a person right to their face that they are not interested. Girls are talkers, most of us love to chit chat and gossip. So you might be misreading friendliness for interest and then these girls give your their numbers because they feel bad saying no.

It is much easier to fake a bf over the phone or text then to straight up tell you they don't want to give you their number. This is most likely what is happening in majority of your cases because I strongly believe that majority of girls in strong relationships are not going to be caught up in the moment and forget their boyfriends long enough to flirt with you and give you their number.

I completely agree with this post. The whole thing.

The last part about "girls in a strong relationship are not going to forget about their boyfriends" is very important for guys to learn. If a girl does have a boyfriend and she's behaving like she is single, would you really want to date her? That type of character is not someone you would want to date because if you're in a relationship with her, how long before she's out flirting with other guys on you?

Think about it...in this situation you really only have 2 possible outcomes:

1) She really does have a boyfriend and using you for attention and flirting with you.

2) She really doesn't and is giving you an excuse.

Ask yourself....for you and your dating life....does it really make a difference? Is that girl worth pursuing in either case?

[Schmechti]

Recently I get more "boyfriends" when I try to get her number (in the past it was right after my direct approach due to my inexperience on how to approach a woman, i.e. rejection). Like Mark substitutes, my mindset is that every woman is honest with me (like I'm honest with her). So I don't perceive it as a "shittest". However, apart from her really having a boyfriend with whom she is in a happy relationship, it might be also that my conversation was not good enough (i.e. late rejection). Usually I move on, when she tells me that she has a boyfriend because I perceive it as a rejection and not as a "shittest". It's not the boyfriend that bugs me, but maybe it's a sign that I need to improve my conversations.

Any suggestions?