Ongoing Dilemma- Can't Figure it out

[rokstrpunk101]

Ok so I've been trying to "get this part of my life handled" for a while, as they say, but as a result I am no longer naive enough to think it'll ever be conclusive and am perfectly ok with that.

Anyways, I've gotten to the point where I truly believe I am a very attractive guy and that any girl would be lucky to be with me... yet I'm still not satisfied in my dating life and I believe it stems from this ongoing dilemma I've had for a while.

The context of my situation is that I am currently a Freshman in college. Anyways, my dilemma is that I know that I want a really cool girl that I connect with on a deep level, who's high quality, and hot, and that I have great sex with as a girlfriend...But I also want to experience having sex with lots of hot girls for the sake of getting experience in bed and the experience itself of fucking many hot girls.

I can't figure out which one to really Focus on. Whenever I make up my mind and say, ok, I'm going to just work on getting better at seducing women/girls, it usually seems to backfire (which I presume, b/c I'm not really connecting w/ them, b/c I'm not even making the effort too...but that also puzzles me, b/c aren't guys able to attract hot girls w/out creating a real emotional connecting and attracting them purely on a sexual level?)

Actually, that's my REAL question, now that I come to think about it. I think I DO want to just have sex with lots of hot women for the time being (I believe I am in the stage of my life where this is what I need, not for validation - at least, not that I'm aware - but like I said to gain confidence in bed/become a better lover and experience the gamut of hot women out there to really learn what in a woman I like most). I think my real question is why can't, when I actually do focus on merely creating sexual attraction with girls, it usually doesn't work, or just seems to fall through. Shouldn't I be able to sexually attract women by just appealing to their reptilian brain and not have emotionally connect w/ them too deeply? I think part of me doesn't even really want to put in the effort to connect emotionally as a lot of the girls my age seem to be immature and below my standards when it comes to stimulating conversation and deep thought, but also balancing it with playful flirting. I have yet to meet many 18/19 yr old college girls who think like me intellectually, understand my aspirations, or care about things other than "did I do my homework?" and "where are we getting drunk this weekend?"

Wow, this post just turned into a fucking self-therapy session.

Why am I frustrated by all this? I KNOW and believe deep down that I deserve the best and hottest women/girls out there, but for some reason I'm not getting what I want...I just want a lot of regular sex partners! Is that too much to ask for?


Anyways, thanks for reading that guys. I appreciate any insight or advice you may have.

Thanks

-Drew

[playmaker001]

I understand where you're coming from because I was in the same position not that long ago. I'm also in college, but I knew from the get go that I wanted to sleep with a lot of girls. This is the route I think you should take because when you're coming from a place of abundance, you're more qualified to pick a partner who you're compatible with. Plus IT"S COLLEGE! You should enjoy yourself because time flies by.

Now, what you need to do is build a social circle, join clubs and organizations, and keep working on yourself. As a college student, you're looking to have sex with a plethora of hot women, which translates into you wanting to have fun. The mindset of the average college girl is the same. They want to have fun, and you need to be the source of that fun. Be attractive, flirty, fun and SEXUAL. Throw parties, go to parties, join clubs, a frat (if you want and if it's important at your school), and make connections. Not just with women, but with cool guys on campus also. Your social circle, more than anything else, is what you should focus on. The rest will happen naturally.

Not to brag (I'm just giving you my credentials) the advice I gave you worked for me. My lay count is in the mid twenties, and it happened within a short period of time. I was a virgin when I used to post on the old practical pickup forums. Hit me up if you have anymore questions.

[Jon]

I actually think in terms of getting good in bed, having a girlfriend will teach you a lot more than a bunch of randoms, because

1) they get more comfortable with you and are willing to be more honest in terms of what is working for them or not

2) unless you are outrageously good at finding new women, you have much more sex with a gf.

3) there's some shit that you will want to trust somebody before you try for the first time.

On connections

Yes, you have to make some kind of emotional connection with a girl. I am a 29 year old lawyer. If I can hold a serious conversation with a 19 year old girl, so can you. 18 and 19 year old girls definitely have more substantial and interesting aspirations than their homework and where they are going out. In fact most of them complain about how college guys aren't mature enough. Also, girls in college definitely appreciate a guy with good taste in movies and books and music. I think where a lot of guys go wrong (and where I went wrong when I was younger) was being too serious and intense about my intellectual interests. That can be intimidating and off-putting.

Also, it doesn't really matter if they understand your goals and aspirations. What matters is whether you care about theirs. If a girl doesn't understand me intellectually, I don't mind, I don't need the validation. I'm more focused on what she's about.

[baller08]

(04-15-2012 06:46 AM)rokstrpunk101 Wrote:  Why am I frustrated by all this? I KNOW and believe deep down that I deserve the best and hottest women/girls out there, but for some reason I'm not getting what I want...I just want a lot of regular sex partners! Is that too much to ask for?

For the time being, Yes....Yes it is too much to ask for. Mainly because while "deep down" you feel you deserve the "best and hottest women/girls out there", you haven't earned it.

You're one of those guys who have a warped sense of their own value and what they bring to the table. You haven't worked on your understanding of women, you haven't worked on your on life to make yourself stand out, you don't have experience yet, and you haven't put yourself through the pain of growth.

How do I know this? Because nearly every guy that I've encountered or coached that has your attitude of entitlement also has your core issues.

Also, you're very angry. "How dare gorgeous women not like me dammit? I love my mother and I go to school and I'm smart and have dreams!!"

So?

What playermaker001 wrote to you above is a great start. You should be focused on that at the minimum.

Also read this article on this forum: http://postmasculine.com/earn-your-standards

And this: http://postmasculine.com/forum/Thread-Hardships


You can actually accomplish everything you "deep down" feel you deserve, but you've got to put in the work. So drop the pride and ego and start going through the fire - rejection, improvement, rejection, improvement, success, reject, improvement, success - it's a process and a cycle. Don't expect it to turn around in a year or two.

[playmaker001]

@Jon: Yeah, but he could get about as much experience by getting a booty call or two as well. That's how I learned. The key is to treat your fuck buddy with respect. Some guys get scared that if they kiss, cuddle the F buddy she'll fall in love. She probably won't, but you won't have one for long if you don't do foreplay with them. And yes, you usually need an emotional connection with a girl before they'll sleep with you. Even one night stands.

@Baller08: Yes, but it doesn't have to necessarily take more than a year or two to meet his goals either. I was in the same boat as him first semester of my sophomore year months ago. It took me a few weeks to lose my virginity, then it was a forward spiral of success from there. If he makes the right moves, he can have a fair amount of girls pretty soon. Everybody's pretty much in the same boat in college, trying to find their way and more than willing to make friends and have fun. You remember college. It's really not THAT hard.

[Vytas80]

I have delt with similar dilemma myself, but Marks blog and "models" helped to get priorities in line.
What worked for me is following my heart and doing what makes me feel genuinely happy at that particular time. Not what impresses my friends, not what my parents expect from me and definetly not buying into PUA religion that sleeping with tons of women is a highway to hapiness and fulfillment.

There was a time when I felt lonely and miserable man, and I wanted to have a girlfriend (any girlfriend) that would love me. It hapenned and I was happy.
Later I wanted "no strings attached" relationship with 3-4 women simultaineosly. It happened and I was happy.
Eventually I felt that 1 girl makes me particularly happy (great connection and sex) to the point that being with other women no longer made me happy. So I "promoted" her to full time girlfriend and actually started to pass on other sex opportunities just for the sake of integrity of my relationship.
In the future my happines might be in starting a family or traveling the world, or going back to school, or having my sex changed. Whatever it is - I will go for it.

From your post it seems to me (I may be wrong though) that you are looking for experimentation. Trying out different things - serious girlfriend/booty calls/girlfriend + booty calls its all doable. That's what college times a for

[Jon]

(04-17-2012 06:48 PM)playmaker001 Wrote:  @Jon: Yeah, but he could get about as much experience by getting a booty call or two as well. That's how I learned. The key is to treat your fuck buddy with respect. Some guys get scared that if they kiss, cuddle the F buddy she'll fall in love. She probably won't, but you won't have one for long if you don't do foreplay with them. And yes, you usually need an emotional connection with a girl before they'll sleep with you. Even one night stands.

Agreed, but I think the difference is, if you are sleeping with a girl 4 nights a week, that will go into relationship territory very quickly.

[trader4life]

I may be off base here, but I think for any guy that has slept with a decent amount of women that it is necessary to do in order to figure out what you actually want, expect and desire in a relationship. Not to mention guys that tend to jump right in to a serious relationship without much sex or experience prior to tend to be more needy with their gf (just my observation). And no, I am not saying that you should seek your value as a man from sleeping with tons of randoms either. At the end of it all if you are somewhat normal and balanced it will only be a matter of time until one of the women you sleep with or start casually dating that some real connection will form with her and it can turn into a relationship. Good luck man....

[baller08]

(04-17-2012 08:43 PM)trader4life Wrote:  I may be off base here, but I think for any guy that has slept with a decent amount of women that it is necessary to do in order to figure out what you actually want, expect and desire in a relationship. Not to mention guys that tend to jump right in to a serious relationship without much sex or experience prior to tend to be more needy with their gf (just my observation). And no, I am not saying that you should seek your value as a man from sleeping with tons of randoms either. At the end of it all if you are somewhat normal and balanced it will only be a matter of time until one of the women you sleep with or start casually dating that some real connection will form with her and it can turn into a relationship. Good luck man....

The part that is bold is true 100% across the board (the rest of it is also true). Most men I know try to get around this fact. They get ok in their development and get a girlfriend (who usually turns out to have poor character/morals) and it ends up being one of the worst things to happen to him. It's like a man who is dying of thirst and he gets a poisonous class of water, only he is so desperately thirsty he'll drink anything and because he hasn't had clean water he doesn't even know what dirty water is.

It basically ends of HERE.

Trader4life is correct, this is the path that as a man you have to take. Even if you somehow get a girlfriend or get married, if you don't feel like you can replace your woman if she breaks enough of your boundaries (actually you won't even know what boundaries are) then you'll be in for a world of pain.

In summary...there are no short cuts. You always have to pay the piper either now or later. And later hurts a hell of a lot more.

[SeXyBaCk]

(04-15-2012 06:46 AM)rokstrpunk101 Wrote:  But I also want to experience having sex with lots of hot girls for the sake of getting experience in bed and the experience itself of fucking many hot girls.

You already know what you want to do, you just don't want to put your name under it (maybe for moral reasons?) and make it your own. Considering your age I think you definitely need to play the field and 'see' a number of girls for the foreseeable future.

A few other points I'd like to raise...

I'm with Jon in regard of having a steady girlfriend (assuming she is sexual, confident and comfortable in her sexuality) will teach you far more about sex, become comfortable and help you express your own sexuality than a string of random sexual encounters. This is how it's been for me. What one-night-stands will do for you is get comfy with being naked and physical with/around a new person. But a woman you bring home from the club won't tell you to do this or that to her or want to try new things with you right away. Lots of casual encounters will make you good at initiating the sex, what they call physically escalating. When you're in a long term relationship sex is just part of life, like having dessert and coffee. However the real joys of sex ... for me.. only reveal themself in an intimate relationship founded on an emotional and intellectual connection.

I feel for some people having a sex buddy is the best thing that can happen to them, for others such a relationship is harmful and holding them back, and keeping them from going out and finding someone who is wholly compatible for them. It depends on what your other dating options might be.

About the intellectual connection aspect mentioned in the OP... I think you might be expecting too much here. You can quickly become physically compatible with a woman on a night out, an intellectual, let alone emotional connection is harder to come by, and difficult to establish when there's drink and loud music involved. So if I were you I'd focus on just having fun and flirting. If you crave intellectual conversation, that's what your friends/social circle and university classes are for. If you cross paths with an incredibly beautiful, smart and outgoing young lady, I'm sure you won't miss her just because you're flirting with some random club girl.

Any time spent talking to/being around a woman in a 'I'm man and you're woman' situation' is good experience and will help you identify what kind of character traits in a woman is compatible and attractive to you.