OKCupid and Flaking

[CHB2]

Okay, well I just got back for the night from what was supposed a date and I was flaked on by a girl for the 2nd time on a date I set up over OKCupid. I am able to rationalize that ultimately the woman doesn't know me and I shouldn't beat myself up, but I just don't understand what I am doing wrong. In both cases we had around 3 or 4 messages back and forth each, working out details and setting up plans and their seemed to be comfort and appreciation of my humor/teasing, so I really don't understand why the woman would agree and set up specific plans and then not show up and not answer phone or respond to text messages. I have had other woman who fizzled out when I suggested specific plans, and I understand that - they decided they didn't want to see me and wanted to let me off easy by just not responding to my OKCupid messages - but why would these 2 agree to specific plans and then just not show up?

Sorry if this comes off as a rant. I ultimately want peoples' insights as to how to improve my success. I think I am a decently attractive guy (I got the super cool OKCupid "You are hot" email, at patted myself on the back for a week.. haha) and at least somewhat funny, so I do not know what I am doing wrong to make these girls flake. I guess online dating is a numbers game at some level, but it doesn't feel great to get dressed up and go out only to be flaked out and would rather avoid it as much as possible.

Anyway if you guys have any insights or suggestions on building comfort I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks

[zkelvin]

It almost certainly has nothing to do with you. Odds are, she got cold feet, or met someone else before you and was just holding on to the possibility of dating you, or wasn't sure if she wanted to meet a guy from online. Anyway, this isn't entirely uncommon. I had the exact same thing-- Some chick messaged me, she seemed pretty clearly DTF, traded numbers, texted back and forth for a bit, and then twice made plans to hang out and twice she flaked.

[Arikado]

First of all, getting flaked on sucks. We've all been there. It's nothing to do with you.

But yeah, I'm pretty active on OKC, and yeah, it's a jungle out there. Flaky girls, girls fatter than their pics, more flakes. I know it sounds cliche, but just keep trying. And know that until you meet a girl in person, don't be shocked if she flakes. She could get back with her ex, she could feel scared that day, unattractive, or what-have-you. Just keep trying.

[Mark]

It's been a while, but I've always found girls more responsive on plenty of fish

[CHB2]

Hmm, yea I will try to not get down about it. I spoke with a female friend of mine and she agreed that it has nothing to do with me most likely, for similar reasons to what you guys suggested.

I guess it just feels like a bad ratio of investment to reward because the skills I am learning (writing messages that people will respond to, building enough comfort to get number, setting up plans, etc.) are mostly only applicable to online dating, whereas going out and approaching is at least building general social skills. Maybe I will just put it on the back burner for a while and focus more of my efforts on meeting people in person.

[CHB2]

Yeah, you guys were right. The 2nd girl texted me today and said she lost her phone and felt really bad about missing our date. I guess it is important to generally just assume that the problem is not with me, because in a lot of cases it isn't.

On another note, I met a girl through social circle last night and went on a good date with her tonight. It kind of felt a lot more natural to me and I felt less self-conscious than I did while waiting to meet someone who I messaged online, so I think I may still try to focus on just meeting people in person. Online felt a little easier because I am bad at showing my personality/opening up to people I just met, but I think it is ultimately something I need to get over in life and theres no time like the present to try to work on it.

[youregettingitwrong]

Do you ever talk to these girls on the phone? Seems like that should be your first move. Not texting, a phone call where you can hear the other person's voice. I know its an ancient form of communication these days, but there is more chance of a connection. Plus, I think this will make a girl more comfortable. Oh and I don't believe the "I lost my phone" excuse. That's bull. She got nervous, didn't show and then felt bad about it and started rationalizing that what if you were a great guy and she missed that opportunity.

Moving forward, when you are interested in a girl from online, ask for her number, call her, chat for a bit and then set up a date over the phone.

[TooFastForLove]

Getting her on the phone is essential. When it comes to online dating I've also found that the initial phone conversation is indicative of how the actual date will go. If the phone conversation goes smoothly the date will most likely as well. None of your internet chat stuff actually matters.

[elderado]

The phone thing is highly subjective. In my experience, older women (30+) tend to want to talk on the phone. Younger girls honestly don't care. Most of the dates online I've gotten, the girls really didn't care that I didn't call them and use texting as their primary form of communication with friends/family besides actually hanging out in person.

CHB2 Wrote:Sorry if this comes off as a rant. I ultimately want peoples' insights as to how to improve my success. I think I am a decently attractive guy (I got the super cool OKCupid "You are hot" email, at patted myself on the back for a week.. haha) and at least somewhat funny, so I do not know what I am doing wrong to make these girls flake. I guess online dating is a numbers game at some level, but it doesn't feel great to get dressed up and go out only to be flaked out and would rather avoid it as much as possible.

Anyway if you guys have any insights or suggestions on building comfort I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks

Just make sure you're on the same page, even before you get the number. Propose a date, tell her when you're free and ask what day is good for her, and then tell her to send your number. I seriously don't get flaked on by just doing that...maybe I get a "can we reschedule?" here and there but not a total flake where the girl just disappears the day we're supposed to meet.

Also, and this may be counter intuitive, but maybe you want to try LESS comfort and humor/teasing and let your profile pic and profile do all of that work for you in general. I'm not saying not to tell a joke or withhold personal info, but just maybe do a bit less and see how that goes

[CHB2]

@youregettingitwrong and TooFastForLove
Hmm, well as context I am 23 and trying to date girls my age or slightly younger. Pretty much all my female friends around my age fall on the side of preferring to text to get on the phone. That said I could see the benefit of just hopping on the phone and hearing each others voices to kind of make things a little more real/concrete.

@elderado
In both cases we set up a date and specific time, and then traded numbers. In the first case we had texted a bit too.

As far as comfort and teasing, I guess I will give that a shot. Pretty much my approach is to tease them on something in their profile or just disqualify myself in funny way. IE they said in the "message me if you" section that they hate guidos and I joke about my Ed Hardy collection and ask if she wants to check out my home tanning bed. So far this has been pretty effective at getting a response, but it may set the wrong tone given that my profile itself is very much on the humorous side and doesn't actually say much about me.

Any thoughts on types of messages that people will respond to that don't involve teasing? Any messages I have sent that are along the lines of "I love hiking too" or "You seem like a pretty cool girl", as in any open compliment or just friendly comment doesn't seem to get responses in my experience.

[elderado]

CHB2 Wrote:@elderado
In both cases we set up a date and specific time, and then traded numbers. In the first case we had texted a bit too.

As far as comfort and teasing, I guess I will give that a shot. Pretty much my approach is to tease them on something in their profile or just disqualify myself in funny way. IE they said in the "message me if you" section that they hate guidos and I joke about my Ed Hardy collection and ask if she wants to check out my home tanning bed. So far this has been pretty effective at getting a response, but it may set the wrong tone given that my profile itself is very much on the humorous side and doesn't actually say much about me.

Any thoughts on types of messages that people will respond to that don't involve teasing? Any messages I have sent that are along the lines of "I love hiking too" or "You seem like a pretty cool girl", as in any open compliment or just friendly comment doesn't seem to get responses in my experience.

Try a bit more neutrality. The girls I've met almost always have a story of some guy saying silly and perverted shit right off of the bat so what a lot of girls online are looking for is for a guy to just be normal. And definitely put more humorous stuff in your written profile. The profiles I enjoy reading are profiles where the girl doesn't take herself too seriously, so I made mine like that.
I disqualify myself a lot in the beginning and come across as over-the-top arrogant in some parts but it gets them intrigued just enough to talk back. From there, my messages are all comfort-based talk. If she's interested, she'll usually ask one or two questions, I'll answer them and maybe ask her something really simple (i.e the same question) back. If she answers, I'm usually like "Drinks? Next week? Let me know" or "I'm available on X day at 7 or Y day at 8 next week". Also, just keep in mind that there are time-wasters out there, and asking them out relatively soon serves the dual purpose of not wasting your time as well as solidifying the date.

[Haiyami]

Quick question on flaking, I'm still pretty new to the whole online dating thing. So I've been going back and worth with this girl on okcupid and I asked her out to coffee and she agreed to it and gave me her number. Now, I'm currently out of town and won't be back for another week, so I replied back and told her that I would call her later in the week, but I'm wondering if I should be texting her to try and make sure the momentum that I have doesn't fizzle out and she ends up flaking? since the earliest I'll be able to meetup won't be for another 5 or 6 days or should I just wait 2 or 3 days and call her instead? or it doesn't really matter?

I also like to add that this is the closest I've gotten to getting a girl to come out online so I'm pretty clueless as to what to do next.