Not meeting girls I want a relationship with

[Tim]

Lately I've met a few girls I thought were really great; intelligent, funny, gorgeous, and just good people. I was attracted to them, and enjoyed spending time with them, but there wasn't any romantic attraction. This isn't surprising to me, because romantic chemistry has always been a very strong yes or no, but it's starting to get to me that I haven't met a girl in literally years that I want to date and be in a relationship with. It's kind of stupid, because I really don't want to be in one now because it wouldn't suit my current lifestyle. But I'm concerned because it seems like it's been so long since I felt those butterflies for a girl. I know that I'm very selective, but I thought that I would be meeting more women that I'm compatible with in my early 20s. I've learned to get along with more and more people over time, and with many different types of women, but this seems to be the one area I've gone backwards in.

I've looked at my own beliefs and I can't see any reason for this; I've never had commitment issues or intimacy issues that held me back from relationships, I don't have a jaded view of relationships or dating, and although my social life can be a bit hot and cold due to work, I still manage to meet a decent amount of women.

My only theory is that I'm not really living in the right place to meet women I want relationships with. I don't 'blame' my city, but I know that a lot of the traits I look for I'm less likely to find in the women here.

[Alvar]

Quote:I was attracted to them, and enjoyed spending time with them, but there wasn't any romantic attraction.

For how long do you usually date these girls?
Does the feeling that something is lacking affect your behaviour/expectations?

In the past, have you dated girls that you had strong chemistry with? Where these girls unhealthy?
Could this be a case of perception trailing reality? Maybe I am projecting here but the only girls I have immediate chemistry are the dramatic ones, the kind I used to date in the past. Even if they now repulse me almost as much.

Quote:It's kind of stupid, because I really don't want to be in one now because it wouldn't suit my current lifestyle.

Yes, it is
This may be a pretty silly question but if you were open to having a gf would you look at these girls differently?

[Tim]

Well a couple of the girls I met when I was overseas last week, so I didn't get a chance to spend more than a couple of days with them. The others I just met and I'm getting to know now. I've never had a girl 'grow' on me before though. I've always known within the first half hour of meeting a girl, if not sooner, that I wanted to date them. I've spent time with girls I didn't have that initial attraction to and over time I've definitely enjoyed their company more, but it's never led to romantic attraction. It's just a very noticeable on/off switch for me.

All the girls I've dated romantically I had really strong chemistry and compatibility with. They weren't unhealthy at all; very well-rounded people who I was much more dramatic than, and they actually made me more self-aware of that and over time I dealt with a lot of that because of dating them.

I don't think it's a matter of being open to having a girlfriend. There are times in my life when it's been inconvenient for me to have a girlfriend; when I'm not going to be in one place long or when I'm very busy, but that didn't mean I wouldn't have dated one if I met someone I felt that attraction to. How I see it is that you can't choose whether you meet someone based on whether it suits you, so you just have to make that decision when the time comes. Luckily (or not), I've never met someone when it was inconvenient for me to be in a relationship.

It may be that though, because it hasn't felt convenient for me in a while, and at the same time I haven't met anyone like that in a while. If so, it must be because I don't want a relationship at a very deep identity level, and that's actually changing my chemistry with women somehow. Seems weird and unlikely to me.

Thanks for the help though Alvar

[Mark]

Aside from the compatibility issue about where you live, there are a couple things that pop to mind. And by the way, I think that even though your location may be affecting it, you should still be meeting women you're compatible with.

1. As Alvar got at, you tend to find what you're looking for. I know that last year and the year before, a girlfriend was the last thing I wanted, and as a result, almost every girl I slept with was not girlfriend material. I can only think of one girl I met between 2009 and end of 2011 who I considered girlfriend material. And like you said, it was apparent on the first date (it always is, in my opinion).

At the end of last year, I got a little bit tired of all of the one night stands and pointless flings, and I could feel myself begin to miss having more companionship and meaning to my sexual encounters. Going into this year, I consciously made it a goal to actually date a girl for a couple months and have it actually mean something (i.e., invest in her emotionally and vice-versa).

Within two weeks I met a girl in Colombia who ticked off most of my criteria and who I felt a strong chemistry with. Although in hindsight, she wasn't quite right and I doubt I would have entered a relationship with her. But she came close. Three weeks later I met a girl in Brazil who IS girlfriend material and absolutely incredible in just about every way and who I am still dating and will continue to date until I leave at the end of April.

I don't think this is a coincidence. There were a number of girls here in Brazil who I could have easily slept with had I continued pursuing them, but I was less motivated and therefore tended to gravitate towards the one girl who I felt a lot of chemistry with. I don't think that would have happened if I wasn't in the place emotionally that I was at the time. I think our emotional needs subtly screen our interactions in this way. You could be meeting girls who you have amazing chemistry with, but your own needs at the moment for that are low and therefore you don't value it as much as you would if you were interested in a relationship.

2. You may be experiencing something similar to what I went through in the Abundance Paradox and Isolation Paradox:

http://postmasculine.com/the-abundance-paradox
http://postmasculine.com/the-isolation-paradox

This kind of relates to CHB2's thread about self-perception trailing results. Put plainly, you've worked on yourself and improved yourself a lot in the past few years. As a result, you expect more from the women you meet and therefore have much higher standards in order to invest in them emotionally. This narrows the playing field for you quite a bit, and can be pretty disorienting for a while. It was a real mindfuck for me back in 2010, because I had no problem meeting and attracting girls whenever I wanted, but I didn't really want any of them.

When you've lived your whole life in the mindset of trying to be good enough for any cute girl you meet, and then switch over to the opposite, of trying to find a girl who's good enough for you to meet, it fucks with you. You spent your whole life training yourself to be excited and to chase every opportunity that comes your way. Now you're consistently turning opportunities down and it feels weird.

The other aspect of this, which was definitely true for me, was I was not pursuing -- and I hate this term, but -- "higher quality women." What I mean is that I had worked on myself and become far more attractive and interesting myself, but I was still pursuing the caliber of women that I pursued when I was not attractive and not interesting. This is a mismatch.

What happened with me in this situation is that I eventually got used to turning down and ignoring opportunities. It stopped making me feel weird. This then helped motivate me to pursue more attractive and more incredible women whom I had not really pursued before. And I don't mean strictly looks, but in all categories... Incredibly confident, smart, beautiful, fun women, who previously had probably screened me out immediately due to my lack of confidence or I had screened out because I was intimidated by them. Now I was screening FOR them. So again... eventually your perception of your options and your game catches up to your real-life situation. It never stops.

Between #1 and #2, I think #2 is more likely. But I don't know. I've always met "girlfriend material" once or twice a year usually. Regardless of where I am and how much I'm going out.

My advice to you would be to strictly focus your attention on say, the top 10% of women you're interested in. Raise your standards, to put it plainly. Seems obvious, but I imagine that there's a demographic of women who you naturally kind of pass up because you assumed them to be "out of your league" in the past, but in fact, they no longer are.

[Tim]

Wow, thanks for taking the time to write a post that long Mark. I appreciate that.

That was pretty intense to digest so I took most of today to think about it. Ended up talking about something similar in my therapy session, even though I didn't plan to.

What I think I've realised is that my standards haven't risen in general, but they've risen from when it comes to meeting women outside of a specific context. So it used to be that I only met women in my social circle, and almost never anywhere else. Then I got into pickup and started approaching women in bars, on the street, and so on. And how I selected women to approach in those contexts was biased by who I was intimidated by. And often these are women who, to also use the term you used, are 'high quality'. So while I've still meet a lot of really great women from cold approach, there's been a specific type I've subconsciously screened out, and those are the ones I might have wanted more with.

Meanwhile, the amount of women I meet in my social circle has definitely dwindled (since uni, when I was most sociable) and also I've spent a lot of time around people who are less likely to introduce me to that potential girlfriend.

I don't know exactly where to go from here, aside from examining myself to see which women I've been screening out and try approaching them. That's an obvious step to take from here. But I also think I probably haven't set my life up enough to meet those women, especially recently, so I need to take a look at how I'm going to change that. Even if I don't want a relationship, I don't like the idea that I'm potentially screening out good women.

[Mark]

I think it's human nature to focus on and pursue women we perceive ourselves to have the best chance with. We all do it to varying degrees. If your game and confidence has progressed further than your self-perception, then it means you will consistently pursue women who are unlikely to be able to meet your newer, higher-level needs.

And yeah, everyone's social circle takes a massive hit after university. Unfortunately, I don't think that kind of social circle environment is ever reproducible. At least I have yet to find an environment that can reproduce it. Chances are your friendships and social circles were doing a lot of the screening for compatible women for you without you ever having to do it yourself. May be time for you to start thinking about how to do it yourself.

[Halo Effect]

Great thread.. I'm going through similar processes right now. A lot of things sound familiar.

I used to attract women who were not emotionally healthy. Plenty of drama. Now it seems that the women in my life are much more emotionally healthy. No more drama, they're supportive and kind and nurturing, things I like. In fact, I screen for emotional stability and self-esteem now. I think the belief is going away that I need to "fix her" to be of value!

But I'm at the point right now where I have these girls in my life that I value and respect, but I know they're not girlfriend material. This can sound arrogant, but I do not admire them in the way that they admire me. I think I have to start consciously rejecting/passing up girls that are good but not great, and aim for the higher quality girls that still intimidate me. On the other hand, I do not want a girlfriend so it's also possible that I'm (subconsciously) screening for girls that I don't want relationships with...