Not Dead, Can't Quit! - HAKR's FRs/Journal

[hakr]

Was at the mall, went up to this girl before leaving. I said to myself I couldn't leave being a pussy. I wasn't confident, when I was talking to her I could "feel" the nervousness on my face. From her reaction, I knew she wasn't interested. I tried to keep talking, but after a while just left. At least I approached.

At night there was this one girl who works in a KFC near my campus. Went to her, told her she had the sexiest eyes ever! I was holding her hand, talking to her. Her friend tried to push us apart (i think she thought i was checking her out before when I was actually looking at the chick I was talking to). I was leaving with my friend, so I told her I'll take her for ice cream. She said I had to earn her number by buying her and her sister a drink. I got turned off, and I wasn't interested anymore. I left.

[The Notorious PhD]

What's up hakr? Haven't seen many updates from you in a while. Wondering if you're busy with school, got a girl or if you just stopped approaching.

I hope it's not the last one. Because then I am disappoint

[hakr]

Had 4 exams and 2 papers this week. I came across a few beautiful girls while studying at the library, I chickened out haha. I also noticed that I am really intimidated by girls that are of an incredible beauty. Been trying to dig into this to find out why, but every time I come up with the same "I won't be good enough for her" answer. When I inquire to myself "why?", it comes down to still me being physically not attractive.

Feels weird because I do feel confident in the way I dress, my physique is great from consistent gym workouts and I don't feel like "I am too short, not attractive enough" as I did before (more like obsessed haha). But when I go "looking for answers", that's what my brain comes up with. I have come a long way in improving, I was skinny, wore clothes 2 size larger, bad posture, no confidence as I walk through life, but still deep inside I feel like something negative is still there from the old days.

Anyways, the rest of the time I am in the university engineering workshop with 5 other guys building a racing car, so not seeing much daylight. I hope to update this journal with some positive stuff this week, but you are doing great Notorious, from what I have been reading from your thread. Spikes too, you guys keep me entertained reading your threads when I take study breaks.

Good luck and keep smiling

[hakr]

Ok, I wasn't part of the old practicalpickup forum, but from what I have read around here, PM is moving forward towards more of a lifestyle design for men rather than just dating. I want to contribute, however small my contribution might be, to this site moving in that direction.

Dating might be one of the areas I need the most improvement in, but I will survive if I do not become the ladies man I want to be. That is probably just 10% of what being a MAN means to me. The 90% needs my attention too.

My passion has been playing pool for I don't know how many years now. I started playing when I was maybe 16, played for 3 years back in my home country, going into competitions and I was always there at the end, kinda like Germany in soccer. They might not win it, but they will always be there, quarters or semis. But then I moved to Canada and I stopped playing for 5 years. I am now 24. Went on holidays back home, rediscovered my love for the game, but I also discovered that I am shit at it nowadays. haha

So I bought a pool table and now my aim is to get really good at it, master the game for myself. I want to rediscover the feeling of winning. I don't aim to be world no.1 or anything like that, but I want to be a good player. Back in my teens, I used to play with a "feel" of the game. What I'd do is watch good players and learn. I wasn't the best technically, but my mental game always got me there. If I played a good player, I'd keep him in difficult situations and break his confidence down.

But nowadays, I have watched some youtube vids (never had a coach, can't afford it now, I wanna learn on my own anyways) and discovered that there is SOOO MUCH science and thinking that I am getting overwhelmed by so much of this technical aspect of the game. I LOOOVEE it though, I can now figure something out precisely, but just overwhelming.

I want to conquer this challenge. For the past 4 years, I have lived in this dream bubble, thinking I was a good pool player and that made me feel good about myself. Now reality has struck and I am not anymore. When I shoot on my own at home, I noticed I avoid difficult shots because I could miss and my "perfect image" would take a blow.

Anyways, what I want to achieve:

-I have resistance to practice the difficult shots I struggle with over and over, although I know I will only master them by lining them up 400-500 times and KEEP at it.

-I always used to be nervous in competitions back in the days, but I never let it to get the best of me. I just joined a local league, with OK players at best, and I have this FUCKING CRAZY nervous feeling, like a bowling ball on my chest pulling me down. I want to be a good player again, enter some tournaments when there are some but also control my anxiety. BTW, I got butchered by these players in the first 2 weeks, but I could "see" my potential was there.

-I noticed I talk soooo negatively to myself when I am fucking up, I want to love myself, learn to mentally be positive and GIVE MYSELF TIME to adapt. BELEIVE in myself that I WILL get good if I keep at it, and also ENJOY it, because after all, this is my PASSION.



Ok, second thing. I am following the renegade diet (intermittent fasting) and I am managing to fast 16 hours a day. I can see results already. (btw I am in great shape, but I just want to lose some fat and see my six pack). I have always never liked six packs, not sure if I like them now, but I noticed that I used it as an excuse not to REALLY have the low bodyfat I want.

Thing is at night, I always end up eating more calories that I have to and end up keeping on this little layer of fat on my belly. By making myself accountable here, I hope I achieve some more discipline. I think they call it emotional eating, to cover up negative feelings coming up that I want to avoid facing. I do that by watching a lot of TV and movies also.

Last thing, I am trapped in my university garage right now for my final year project, school was closed this week for the study break/week,not many chicks on campus. So I am not giving up on meeting girls; I am just studying, working on building my racecar, going home and shooting pool before bed. I will still post here whenever I approach, or my musings about the women I am already seeing.

You are still all welcome to post your thoughts, encouragements, kick me in ass when I need a wake up call or you think I might be deluding myself about something....anything really.

Please feel free to move this in the appropriate section IF this is not appropriate for the "Meeting Women and Dating" section anymore.

Long post, but necessary. Peace out PostMasculine

[hakr]

Had been dating this girl for a while now, but we went our separate ways. It felt REALLY good being away from reading all this dating stuff, I realized HOW MUCH ENERGY and HOW EMOTIONALLY INVESTED I was in this.

While dating this girl, I was able to focus more on my pool playing (making GREAT progress there ) and also I've been working on a little project for myself.

The next 2 weeks I will be in exams, then I will have graduated from the Automotive Engineering program. As usual, I will journal my stuff, trying to build a lifestyle that I want. I will be approaching, but also talking about my struggles and successes in other fields. Feel good to be back lool

I will be spending most of my time in the library for the next 2 weeks, but I am eager to get going. Yesterday, I felt some resistance towards going for the girls I wanted to approach. Felt nervous, not good enough, and felt unsure about what to do. But I realize that if the way out was familiar, I would already BE out. It's only through the unknown, the unfamiliar, that I can find a way out. I am very aware of my emotions now though, it's just a matter of acting in spite of them and taking action.

16.08.2012

Goal:

-Just START WALKING towards the girl
-Comment on my fear/nervousness if i feel any
-Make 2 or 3 statements to get conversation going
-Anything else is a bonus

-hakr

[hakr]

Been going out for the past 3-4 nights and I've been approaching. Still feeling some anxiety/nervousness but I can get past it most of the time. Getting rejected all of the time although the women smile and aren't creeped out or rude to me. And that's okay, I've realized that it might just be the "pain period".

But I'm writing here to journal about a phenomenon that's been happening to me A LOT over the past year. I've just graduated school, so I was intensely catching up on all the stuff that matter to me.I have been scribbling down a lot of stuff I am anxious or have any negative feeling towards and I felt a lot of relief. I was improving, feeling better and in control. PHYSICALLY writing on a paper is like HEALING for me.

I was performing GREAT in my weekly billiards league, been approaching women lately and not held back by my nervousness, was cutting off masturbation, working on myself with CBT and reading books...just doing great in general with stuff that i love. But then EVERYTIME after I feel like I'm making significant progress and experiencing success, there is this BIG EMOTIONAL MELTDOWN kinda thing that happens to me.

I know it's probably because A LOT of emotions are being stirred up confronting my anxieties towards approaching, not masturbating, keeping a good diet...all these stirred emotions just come up to the surface. And when I realize it, it's already too late. I've already taken actions that I don't particularly like to numb down these emotions.

For example, I already spent 70 bucks on chocolate and sweets, masturbated quite a lot in the last 2 days, when I practice on my pool table I do stupid things like hitting the ball hard and wherever to vent out my frustration and anger, I'm feeling A LOT of resistance to start going to the gym again, I feel like I will never be able to give up smoking. It's like my ego/subconscious/ whatever you want to call it reacts to this "unwanted change/progress" by throwing a lot of negative emotions it knows is too much for me to handle.

This lasts for a day or two, sometimes it can be even a week before the emotions stirred up feel "manageable". But then I feel like I am starting from scratch again because of this meltdown. I am at least satisfied that I have an AWARENESS of it, but if anyone has experienced stuff like that and how to deal with it, please let me know.

It felt good opening up but I am still clueless as to why it keeps happening over and over again. Any insight would be great.

[Alvar]

Good that you are pushing yourself and making progress!

" PHYSICALLY writing on a paper is like HEALING for me."

It literally can be. There's some study quoted on Haidt's the happiness hypothesis, where people where given the task to write down about some negative events. They checked their medical records, one year later, and found out that these people had better health than a control group. I believe he was quoting Pennebeker's Opening Up.

[hakr]

Yeah, for the longest time I would avoid writing things down just in case someone would "bump into" my private thoughts and feelings I wrote down. I was even paranoid that my parents would see it in the trash, or that somebody would see it even after it went in the garbage truck.

On thing that solved this is that I bought a shredder...so whenever I am done writing, I just shred the paper. The AMAZING thing is that I felt EVEN BETTER, more healing took place. I felt like I was shredding/letting go of those emotional pains even more when I was seeing the paper being destroyed

[hakr]

Hey guys, I have been away for a LONGG time. A lot has been going on in my life...graduated from university, grandma passed away, dated this girl i thought was gonna be my wife but her dad had other plans...thinking i'd find a job but still unemployed for almost 6 months, went to a vipassana meditation retreat, having a VERY bad phase in my pool playing and now getting better.

So I thought I'd focus on finding a job after unwillingly breaking up with my girlfriend. (her dad threatened to stop her from school if she kept on seeing me). I went out last night for a LONG LONG time and I am back to square one.


I read my previous posts on this thread, gave me some motivation that I can go out again and meet some cutiepies. I also want to build a consistent practice of meditating, doing yoga and practicing pool EVERYDAY...so I hope this journal can keep me accountable.

And as usual, if you feel like stopping by to encourage me or give me advice, I would be VERY grateful to you



Going through my thread, I noticed that

(1) I took way too much time to make my first approach (20-45 mins)
(2) Felt great about myself when I was aggressive and bold with the women I REALLY found attractive

So I will

(1) implement, after baller's recommendation, the 3 second rule when I go out tonight
(2) Approach 10 women I REALLY find attractive


Update

My buddy who was supposed to give me a ride cancelled. Had to wait for my dad to come back from work at 1am. Only did 2 approaches...no excuses though, should have done more even in that 1 hour I had.

They both had boyfriends and nothing to report but I have to work on speaking louder and slower, approach faster and more. Keeping a journal keeps me accountable and on purpose. I'm glad.

Feels great to be back although I don't go to school anymore...will have to wait till next week to approach again. But I have other priorities like finding a job to work on anyways. And if I am out during the week might do some daygame.

Peace Out

[hakr]

I know I had started this journal in the "Meeting Women" section but like I mentioned before...I want to embrace the idea of PostMasculine as a whole and make this journal about the struggles and successes an ordinary man (me ) faces in our modern culture trying to be the best he can be in every area that he cares about. And hopefully getting your encouragement and advice along the way.

Haven't gone out since the last outing i posted about on here...I am struggling to find a job, cannot even get an interview. My student loans are supposed to kick in this month, so hopefully I can find a job soon.

I don't have much money to go out and pay cover. But I hope I can get on campus sometime soon with my buddy so we can get to know some women there. My priority is finding a job but I've been meditating also.

I found it inside of me the strength to quit smoking...been only 4 days and I don't know how long it will last. Inside my mind, the "right" thing to do is to not smoke but every other part of me is telling me to give in and just smoke. Being a Man, or a good human being in general I guess is hard. I can take the easy road and cop out, smoke, give up.

But I will keep fighting, grinding it out because I know there is better day out there for me and I want to be the determined, dogged and confident guy I always dreamt of being.

So I've been doing great at pool, not necessarily practicing to improve, but I am CONSCIOUSLY working on my concentration, focus, slowing down and applying my fundamentals and im getting rewarded for my efforts in a pretty great way.

Lastly, a little tip for those out there with Iphones...i'm using this app called Lift...where you can track your goals. So for example, I can put a check mark next to meditating, yoga, intermittent fasting, did not smoke today, approached, practiced pool, journaled, drank more water, worked out, took my vitamins etc. It's a cool app and at the end of the day, you keep up with your goals since you don't want to break the chain/momentum of the days you've built before.

Anyways, HAKR signing out It's so cool talking about yourself in the 3rd person

[hakr]

I am constantly imagining scenarios in my head where I am getting attention, praise and worship from EVERYBODY on this planet to feel like I am a worthy person. I need people to look up to me to feel good about myself. I imagine myself being a someone important, always having a hot woman on my arm to SHOW people that I actually am cool and that they should give me their attention.

And even though I realize that this daydreaming indirectly tells my subconscious that the person I am right now is not good enough, I cannot stop the daydreaming. Most of the time I don't realize it but when I do, I just try to love myself, telling myself I have developed this because when I was younger, I didn't know any better to feel worthy and get some validation.

My first thought is that it came from when I was young, everybody was giving their attention because I was almost like a "miracle" child since my mom found it hard to have me...my parents didnt believe they could have a child and finally after 9 years of trying they managed to conceive me.

My relatives and parents, grandparents etc were extremely careful around me since they didnt want me to get hurt. I can understand the over protection of my parents, seeing how long they had to wait to have a baby. I don't blame them for how I am longing for everyone's attention but I think it is really good to have an understanding of what all these emotional stuff I am going through comes from.

Since then, I think I need EVERYBODY to look at me like I'm the center of the world...to feel the attention everybody was giving me when I was a baby. Probably the reason I don't want to approach women also...because I KNOW I will get rejected at some point and I am scared I will not be able to deal with it. I have been shot down before and it wasn't that bad but I think at a primal level, it still scares me.


I also was left alone at home while both my parents worked till late. I was raised by TV, I remember I used to watch TV on my own to wait till my parents came home. I watch A LOT of TV shows nowadays and I am trying to get an insight as to why I find it soooo hard to reduce my TV time. I spent a lot of time alone, and that probably explains why I am more comfortable being a loner than not.

I go to work out on my own, I play pool which is something you have to do "alone" even though you are with people, after a night of partying with friends I couldn't stay over at the hotel room with them as I needed my alone time after being around others. After women had been at my apartment for a while I started having thoughts like "Ok, its time for her to go now, I'm feeling uncomfortable and need to be on my own for a while". Yet, it has to be on my terms otherwise I feel abandoned.

I was always the top of my class, REALLY smart since I was a kid. My dad used to beat me so I would study and all the "practice" of homework and stuff really made a difference in my studies. The beatings I took from my dad were not out of hate...I know that he was doing it to discipline me, trying to show me the way to get results is by applying myself.

I was more interested in playing and running around as a kid. I don't hate my dad for doing that, it took me very far in my education. But when I went to university, I didnt have my dad always checking up on me and suddenly I became a B, C and D's kinda guy.

I realized that I only studied the night before, sometimes only 2 or 3 hours before my exam. I still ended up with a B or a C. I knew I was smart enough to top the whole fuckin' engineering program but my subconscious was making me act as a rebellious kid against his dad. I regret not being the best I could at school and I have a habit of doing things "AS LATE AND QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE" nowadays even if the quality of it is shit.

Like I said, I have been used to dealing with stuff by myself but I guess the first step is to share my deepest, most vulnerable self somewhere is a good start. I am just happy that I can do this in this journal, on these forums. It tells me that I trust the persons giving advice on here

[Ellen]

You have such a great attitude, I’m sure you will quickly get over your hesitation to go out alone. And looking at an immediate positive, you could probably run into the gym girl again in the near future. The next time around you can approach her with something lighthearted about seeing her a few times. Ask her if she’s training for a marathon. save my relationship Say you need a few pointers from her because you can’t seem to make it around the block. She will laugh and know you’re just joking and might comment on how she’s seen you at the gym a few times too. Going out alone to a club or bar is really just about a state of mind. If it’s a laid back place with a pool table or dart board then you could easily find an activity to do while the bar fills up with more people. Play on your own, then offer to buy the next challenge to someone you think is cute. Offer her one drink for a game with you. Aren’t you glad your friends weren’t around?

[hakr]

hey Ellen, thanks for the tips and encouragement. Always makes me feel good

So I have been approaching on and off on the odd nights out and what I have noticed is that most girls pull back their heads as if I have startled them, or most of them don't give me the time of day. I understand that I am in the pain period but I might have an idea as to what is going on.

1. I am approaching abruptly, not making much eye contact with her before almost "invading her space", holding her hips and telling her she's cute in her ears. Probably creepy haha

2. When I touch them, trying to get their attention before I open my mouth, I seem weak and not confident at all. This ends up in women ignoring me, like I'm not someone who deserves their attention.

3. They can't hear me.


So I figured I will focus on some basic but fundamental parts and see if this helps a bit.

1. Be loud, project my voice and not be hurried to say what i have to say- talk slowly. ( I have always felt shy if people overhear me and think I am weird for saying the things I say. And that reflected in my approach, trying to "sneak" near girls so I can whisper and no one else hears what I am saying)

2. Make strong eye contact for 1 or 2 seconds before opening my mouth ( I avoid that until now because I am scared the chick will see I am not THAT confident, and ignore me. But that's what's been happening anyways. I guess I don't feel entitled to talking to beautiful women sometimes although I have greatly improved my life )

3. Get her attention properly, saying "hey" while making eye contact with her instead of leaning in and trying to talk in her ear.


Will probably update tonight or 2moro. Let's see what happens


Deep in the pain period but I'm happy I can analyze myself


Update:

Went out but my buddy brought his cute roommate. Long story short, we kinda hung out all night and we are definitely going on a date this week. I still approached one girl with direct eye contact, trying to be a little louder. She responded well, I was struggling to talk a bit but still had a good interaction. I started telling her she had sexy eyes, trying to create a sexual vibe and was making eye contact full of intent with her but she wasn't interested i guess. All in all, a good night out.