My introduction, first fclose, and some questions

[Qlue]

I'm 26, and got into pick up in May 2011, because I never had a girlfriend and a virgin, and had spent the last seven years working in the tech industry until I got ill and was hospitalized in January 2011 for 2 months, had surgery and was released. I re-evaluated my life, and no longer wanted to work in the corporate environment, I thought, I'm only young once, I'll have the rest of my life to work. I went on a cruise a few months after my surgery, and I wanted to know how I could get a girlfriend, so I asked someone who referred me to "The Game" and seddit (a pickup community).

I read The Game, and followed the tips on seddit. In June, I moved into a pick-up house for a month, where I was coached mainly with inner game material (RSD). I became an approaching machine and in August had collected 100 phone numbers, but still no sexual experience. At the end of August I had a gorgeous blonde (hb8 in pua terms) over at my place after a day2, but was too nervous to do anything. In September, I had my first kclose with a gorgeous brunette. I had around 4-5 opportunities to fclose but was too nervous to go for the kiss and was too scared to do anything sexual. I also discovered Mark's Models book at this time, and really liked it.

In autumn I wasn't doing as many approaches, and started online dating. By mid November, my inner game had totally died, I couldn't even approach one girl, my confidence gone, and I thought I'd never get laid. I found some articles on how to setup a good online profile, and followed it, I started getting messages and had a date in December, that turned out bad. I was given some tips and was told what I did wrong, and I learned from my mistakes. I had another date a few days ago, this time I did it properly, I built momentum, and then brought her to my place where I fclosed her. Finally, a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

From June to September my start game (open to num close) was really strong, I had 4 instadates, but I wasn't getting that many days2, I only had 3 day2s. From September to now, I've had 3 online dates which helped me work on my end game and my dating skills.

Where I'm at now: I'm doing 5 approaches a day, but my AA is really bad, as if I were starting all over again. In the summer, I had no AA, and didn't care how I looked, I would see what I liked, and opened instantly, without thinking of what to say. Now it takes effort to open, and I'm afraid I'll look silly not knowing what to say, and have problems transitioning. While my experience at the pua house was good, the effects were only temporary, as I'm struggling with the basics once again.

What can I do to have long lasting effect? I find it harder to open direct, should I focus only on opening direct? what can I do to get rid of the AA like before? I care too much how I look like to other people, how do I get rid of this? My goal is to get to an intermediate level where I can open consistently and have consistent day2s.

Your input and advice is truly appreciated!

[Mark]

It sounds like you could be putting a lot of your pressure on yourself. This often happens to guys about a year in once they've gotten some meager success, they suddenly expect all of the newbie stuff to be easy. Pick up does not progress linearly. It's not like learning piano or a language. There are multiple habits to keep juggling, and you really only have control of a small percentage of your results. So relax a little bit and recognize that you're not always going to kill it approaching every day, and that some girls are going to respond negatively no matter what you do.

When it comes to anxiety, it's really easy for us to psyche ourselves out like this and make it worse.

AA will never completely go away, you just kind of adapt to it through practice. And if you haven't approached in a while, it will feel harder again. I still get pretty bad AA if I haven't approached in a month or two, and I've been at this for over 6 years now. I always need 1-2 nights out to get the jitters out of my system and feel good again.

[Qlue]

Thanks Mark, I appreciate your response. The thing that bothers me the most is that I unintentionally imagine a negative scenario happening before I approach, and this paralyzes me from taking action, I know there's a psychology term for this but I can't think of it at the moment. When I see a girl I want to approach, sometimes my mind visualizes them being rude, even though I've had positive reference experiences in the past. I read this in one of your articles about a girl you saw at the gym that you liked but and you noticed your mind pre-judging her.

I guess the only way to defeat this is to acknowledge it, and take action anyway.

[SeXyBaCk]

You might not appreciate me saying this on your thread, because I have little precious advice to offer for your specific situation/query but from reading your post I can sense the fear and anxiety you have towards the whole dating activity. You are indeed putting (by the sound of it) a lot of pressure on yourself to suceed, progress and ultimately score.

I always figured guys got into pick up because they liked some girl (a lot) and got rejected badly, labled a friend or remained a friend or whatever, or just generally got rejected a lot and wanted to change that. My understanding with you (please correct me if I'm getting this totally wrong) is that you didn't enjoy interacting/mingling/longed for the company of females that much (if at all) and wanted to change this, mainly because you had a life changing eye-opening experience. I wasn't aware of this kind of motivation to get into pickup. Makes sense.

Is your goal still to get a girlfriend then? In which case... don't you know enough already to get a girl to like you enough for a relationship? Where's the point in being a master at approaching random women when you have no experience in relationships? That doesn't add up for me. You've done some approaching, how about trying for a relationship, even if it's shallow, now? I lived in the GTA for a year and I remember an abundance of pretty intelligent, multicultural girls, it's a great area to live when you're in your 20s. Hasn't any of the dates you've had provoked a reaction in you, that you want to pursue them? How was sex? Wasn't it terrific? Isn't making out like the second best sensation in the world apart from the afore mentioned?

I can't help you with the technicalites in terms of pickup skill progression. I'm just really curious about where your head is at, motivational wise. From the success you've had...don't you draw huge motivation to approach and interact with females? That's where I think you focus should lie, the desire for women and how great it is to be with them... this being a general technique to counter fear. Fear takes over when you're not focusing on a speicfic goal. Fear of heights you get when you're looking around, focus on something in the distance or right beside you and the woozy vertigo sensation begins to subside.

[Leo]

Qlue You have, we all have, a negative anticipation. How she's gonna react if I approach and how I'm gonna react if I approach and she reacts negatively. You are not present, you are using A LOT of psychological time. I highly recommend you to read The Power of Now by Ekhart Tolle.

[zkelvin]

Mark Wrote:It sounds like you could be putting a lot of your pressure on yourself. This often happens to guys about a year in once they've gotten some meager success, they suddenly expect all of the newbie stuff to be easy. Pick up does not progress linearly. It's not like learning piano or a language. There are multiple habits to keep juggling, and you really only have control of a small percentage of your results. So relax a little bit and recognize that you're not always going to kill it approaching every day, and that some girls are going to respond negatively no matter what you do.

I wish I had known this earlier. I found myself in a pretty similar situation a little over a year ago. Had been doing pickup for about a year, had some decent success (almost all of which came from "just do something" instead of "do this specific technique"), and then started being really hard on myself for not progressing linearly. I had a pretty extreme high of three new lays in two weeks, and thought that I should be able to eventually replicate that with some consistency.

I think one thing that really fucks with guys is this one mantra in the community... "If you go out 3-4 nights per week, your best night now will become your average night in 6 months". Yeah, that's absolutely false. It's an inspiring thing to believe, but beats you down after six months when it turns out to be false.

[Mark]

Yeah, that is bullshit. It's more like, "What you consider a great night now will be a decent night in a year. What you consider a bad night now will still be a bad night in a year."

The bad nights never change. They never get fewer either. I still go out and get little or nothing 1/2 the time I go out. What changes is that your good nights get better.

[Matt II]

A bit random this question Mark, but does the "50%-Rule" you espoused on Practical Pickup still apply?

[Mark]

I think it always applies if you´re trying to improve. If you don´t really care about improving your game anymore (which is how I am mostly these days), then you don´t have to fret about it.

[zkelvin]

Mark, how did you know when you reached a point that you no longer really cared to improve your game?

[Andy]

Matt II Wrote:A bit random this question Mark, but does the "50%-Rule" you espoused on Practical Pickup still apply?

Noob question What is the 50%-rule? Is there a related forum post or blog article that explains it? Thanks in advance.

[Mark]

Classic post from the Practical Pickup days Andy.

http://www.practicalpickup.com/the-50-rule