Knee deep in the pain period.

[Creatine Dreams]

So I am officially knee deep in the pain period. And lots of questions are coming up in my mind.

1. Will I ever find a girl that I like that likes me? And if so, how damn long must I wait!

2. Will I ever find passion in my life?

3. What will be the magical breakthrough that will help me resolve these issues? I know that it is going to take work and that is what I am doing, but this is not pleasant at all.

4. There is the fear of this never changing. No matter how hard I try. I don't want to lie on my deathbed full of regret.

[baller08]

Well.....which way are you going to go?

---

1. Will I ever find a girl that I like that likes me? And if so, how damn long must I wait! Terrible mindset. Terrible. First off all you're talking singular. That's how you got yourself into your last "relationship". Second of all, you don't wait, they won't come to you, you go and find them....plural.

2. Will I ever find passion in my life? Why are you asking us?

3. What will be the magical breakthrough that will help me resolve these issues? I know that it is going to take work and that is what I am doing, but this is not pleasant at all. Don't even get me STARTED.

4. There is the fear of this never changing. No matter how hard I try. I don't want to lie on my deathbed full of regret. Great news....this is entirely and completely within your control.

[Trickster]

(05-24-2012 05:06 PM)Creatine Dreams Wrote:  So I am officially knee deep in the pain period. And lots of questions are coming up in my mind.

1. Will I ever find a girl that I like that likes me? And if so, how damn long must I wait!

2. Will I ever find passion in my life?

3. What will be the magical breakthrough that will help me resolve these issues? I know that it is going to take work and that is what I am doing, but this is not pleasant at all.

4. There is the fear of this never changing. No matter how hard I try. I don't want to lie on my deathbed full of regret.

1) I dunno. I know that thinking about it does you no good. But think about the law of averages - if you keep on putting yourself out there, you increase the probability that you will meet that person. But, in my experience, wondering about it will only bring you down.

2) I dunno. that's up to you.

3) No.

4) Not really a question.

---

Ok that sounded a lot meaner now that I look back at it. I think that what you're thinking is normal - it's all things that I thought when I was struggling. And hell, sometimes I return to that negativity. But you know, I kept increasing my interactions, upping my positive experiences, and building my self-esteem and they slowly faded away. They will for you too, as long as you let your growth process play out.

[Mark]

Quote:1. Will I ever find a girl that I like that likes me? And if so, how damn long must I wait!

2. Will I ever find passion in my life?

3. What will be the magical breakthrough that will help me resolve these issues? I know that it is going to take work and that is what I am doing, but this is not pleasant at all.

4. There is the fear of this never changing. No matter how hard I try. I don't want to lie on my deathbed full of regret.

1. Stop looking. Why do you need an attractive girl to like you? Are you not good enough the way you are? The second you don't need one to like you anymore is when they will.

2. Yes. Stop looking and pay attention to your feelings. What makes you feel more alive? What excites you, scares you, intimidates you, obsesses you?

3. There is no breakthrough. There is slow improvement of day-to-day life. Learn to enjoy the process instead of hoping for some outcome.

4. People regret what they don't try, not what they don't accomplish. Keep trying.

[Chaos]

(05-24-2012 09:11 PM)Mark Wrote:  4. People regret what they don't try, not what they don't accomplish. Keep trying.

Love it! Ripping it off to my facebook

[Zac]

Chaos, add me broski. It's right under my join date. Goes for anyone really. Just tell me who you are in a message. It's my personal account up there, not the PM account.

[Spikes]

I feel your pain brotha!

[Jack Sparrow]

(05-24-2012 05:06 PM)Creatine Dreams Wrote:  So I am officially knee deep in the pain period. And lots of questions are coming up in my mind.

1. Will I ever find a girl that I like that likes me? And if so, how damn long must I wait!

2. Will I ever find passion in my life?

3. What will be the magical breakthrough that will help me resolve these issues? I know that it is going to take work and that is what I am doing, but this is not pleasant at all.

4. There is the fear of this never changing. No matter how hard I try. I don't want to lie on my deathbed full of regret.

1. Lower you standards. J/k Seriously though, I am not saying this is you, but I've ran into 5'3" tall asian virgins who said, "I am only attracted to tall, model, looking blondes." wtf??

I think you have a good idea who you like, and who likes you (compatibility). Sit in a quiet room, imagine the kind of girl that will make you happy, filter out all the society standards, and focus on what you really want. The answer will come to you.

4. I know how you feel. I've been doing this for 7 feaking years. Although my friends are impressed that I date girls that I meet at bookstore and supermarket. Deep down inside I feel I am essential the same person that I was 7 years ago.

Also, don't try too hard. Enjoy the process. The joy and satisfaction comes from showing up not from the results and accomplishments.

Bon voyage!

[Creatine Dreams]

Yeah, I think I feel really bad because the girl I was dating just became facebook official with some other dude.

And it happened really fast.

I had her blocked, but I did not have her new boyfriend blocked. So low and behold, the first thing I see when I log in to FB was a bunch of pictures of her with the new dude looking all happy. Needless, to say I unsubscribed from his feed immediately.

I know Baller has told me not to mention this girl ever again, but when I saw that, it was a kick to my stomach.

Amazing how fast things can change in 3 months.

PS: And the worst part is I am probably gonna have to see her boyfriend every week starting August.

[SeXyBaCk]

Basically you're having a good old whine. So let it all out in this thread. What else is getting to you?

[baller08]

Quote: PS: And the worst part is I am probably gonna have to see her boyfriend every week starting August.

No, that is not the worst part. The worst part is that you still care.

You've been mouring for 3 months over a barely 2 month fling. Think about that. The question is, why haven't you done anything to improve your dating life in the last 3 months so that whatever she does is no longer of any concern to you?

A month ago this was the advice I gave you and here we still are: http://postmasculine.com/forum/Thread-Up...24#pid8224

A month from now, will that piece of advice still be relevent? I hope not.

What are you going to do today and this weekend and next week so that your life will be different 30 days from now?

[Creatine Dreams]

(05-25-2012 06:50 PM)baller08 Wrote:  

Quote: PS: And the worst part is I am probably gonna have to see her boyfriend every week starting August.

"No, that is not the worst part. The worst part is that you still care."

Yes, you are right, baller. The worst part is that I do still care. I have been blessed with a very good memory and that memory is a double edged sword. On one hand, I can take in a ton of information and remember it all pretty well, on the other hand it makes it harder for me to get over painful experiences. This has been a problem for me in the past in all kinds of things and goes beyond women. It takes me a long time to get over things.

"You've been mouring for 3 months over a barely 2 month fling. Think about that. The question is, why haven't you done anything to improve your dating life in the last 3 months so that whatever she does is no longer of any concern to you?"

I have thought about it, too much in fact. I logically understand that I have dwelled on this for too long and that it needs to stop. Sometimes, I forget about it. But my mind always comes back to it. And when it does, I try to think about something else. My mind knows that I should not obsess over this, but it does. Hell, once in while I have a dream about it.

As for improving my dating life, I go out and approach women, I send messages to girls on online dating sites, I go to the gym and I hang out with friends when they are around.

"A month ago this was the advice I gave you and here we still are: http://postmasculine.com/forum/Thread-Up...24#pid8224

A month from now, will that piece of advice still be relevent? I hope not."

God, I hope so too.

"What are you going to do today and this weekend and next week so that your life will be different 30 days from now?"

Well, today I am going to go to the gym. I cannot let that slide. Later on tonight, I plan on going out and being social.

And next week I am going to another part of the US for a couple of months. I think that time will heal this wound, as long as I do not keep picking at.

---

Also, the Saint John's wort and the 5 HTP I have been taking have helped a little bit.

[Creatine Dreams]

"Basically you're having a good old whine. So let it all out in this thread. What else is getting to you?"

Basically, what I have been whining about on this thread.

The whole concept of time really bothers me too. It is really some kind of neurotic thinking. Here are a couple of examples and they will sound silly, but this is how my mind works.

1. So three months ago, it was my birthday, and we were having an absolutely great time. She came to my party and around 1 o'clock, we left went to one more bar and then went back to her place and had great sex. She even put on some lingerie for me as "my present". I felt on top of the world. Now that three months have passed, my world feels radically different. She has completely moved on, has a new boyfriend who she probably likes more than she ever liked me and I am still getting over it. Her world has gotten way better and mine has gotten worse. This is poisonous thinking.

2. I have not bought a new can of shaving cream since I stopped dating her. I still have my same bottle of cologne. Little things like trigger me to think of her. It is a weird and twisted thought process.

3. We dated for about two months. She meets a new dude about a month after she dumped me and gets in committed, facebook official relationship a month later. This made me feel like shit. Like I never meant anything to her. Maybe, she sees me as mistake, maybe I was just an insignificant blip in her life or maybe, she liked the brief time we spent together. Who knows? But since I will not contact her, and she will likely not contact me, I will never know. I feel like I was a stepping stone. When we first met, she was not that social and I was pretty social. Now, even though I go out, I am much more than a shut in than I was before. It seems that her life got a lot better and mine got worse.

As for other things, that worry me, it is my lack of passion for the career I am on. I am not the biggest fan of school but I hope that this internship may inspire me and offer me some greatly needed passion.

All in all, I think this is my greatest frustration. I know the pieces of the puzzle to become the person I want to be are within me.

I used to be very passionate about music, but I was fat and even worse with women that I am now. I thought that a beautiful woman would want to be with me solely because I was an excellent guitar player even though I was fat and unattractive. Now, I do not have that passion.

One day, I decided to lose weight and focus on dressing better. I did so, and I started getting a lot more positive responses from women. They would check me out, but I was oblivious to it because I still saw myself as being fundamentally unattractive.

Eventually, I discovered a book by Mike Pilinski called "Without Embarrassment" which started me on this journey. I started hitting on random drunk ugly girls and older women and made out with a few of them. This was success for me.

Eventually, I started being able to get some of these girls to come home with me, but I could not get an erection because I watched too much porn, masturbated too much and was drunk. It took me a while to figure out that problem.

I took a year off of trying to pursue women and enrolled in school. I decided it was best to try and be happy without a woman and for a while, it worked. I became very popular in school as I had learned how create a great social mask to make people like me. But the truth was, most of these people were only my acquaintances. I have only made two or three close friends and I rarely talk to them about my problems. Still, they are pretty cool to me and we have fun. But I need more friends.

Then, out of the blue, I met the girl who I have incessantly posted about in this forum. She instantly took an interest in me. We were away from each other for about a month but she friend me on facebook and would always stalk my page and comment about me. Eventually, I came back to school and within a week, she asked me out. We went on a date had a great time went back to her place and had sex. First time sex was drunk and not great but, to my surprise, she still liked me. At that point after going to yourbrainonporn.com, I stopped watching all porn and my perception of sex with her got better. That experience gave me some sexual confidence and now, I knew what to do to at least have decent sex. She was pretty, intelligent, had a kind heart and had a good sense of humor. Then she broke up with me in a "round about" way, probably because of my neediness.

And here I am now, an incomplete person. I know I have it in me to become the person that I should be but I am a procrastinator. I always look for the easy way out until the last minute. When I put my mind to something, I can do great things. I am smart, creative, I have a great sense of humor and I now realize that I am physically attractive enough to find a woman that meets my physical and emotional needs. The problem is that I lack the passion for things that women find attractive. That passion cannot be faked, it has to be genuine. Deep down inside, I also do not believe that I deserve a woman that I will appreciate. Plus, I struggle with anxiety and depression. It is really sad to me, because lot of people believe in me, but I do not believe in myself.

[Chaos]

Move on. No one will do it for you. We can only give advice but the courage and strength to do it have to come from within.

You have to stop whining and take ACTION, seriously... that's the difficult part. Begin here, telling your story, having a chat with your internet buddies means nothing. If you want things to change you're the only one that can do it. Look at Thor.

[Trickster]

(05-25-2012 09:44 PM)Creatine Dreams Wrote:  Now that three months have passed, my world feels radically different. She has completely moved on, has a new boyfriend who she probably likes more than she ever liked me and I am still getting over it. Her world has gotten way better and mine has gotten worse. This is poisonous thinking.

Sounds like heartbreak to me man. Look, I know what it's like - when I found out my ex (of 7 years) had a new boyfriend, I felt really shitty. And I had all this negativity swirling in my head, and all these pervasive negative thoughts. Part of it is a process - a process of letting go of an attachment. For you, it sounds like the first real emotional attachment of your life, so this is why you're responding so poorly to it.

But the guys on this forum are right. On the one hand, feeling bad is a part of a process of grieving and moving on. But in psychology there is also a concept of "radical acceptance". You realize the gravity of reality, and while you feel sad for what has transpired, you also realize that you MUST move on. And you make a choice. I felt bad about my ex for a little over a month, and one day, I woke up and I said, "fuck this fucking bullshit." And I decided that I had enough of being a sad mopey bastard and that wasn't an identity that I wanted nor was it something I wanted to be a permanent fixture in my life.

So, whatever gets you to that point, do it. How long do you want to be like this for? She's moved on. She's found her happiness. Is she happier with her new fella as opposed to you? Is the sex better? Does she care that you're feeling so shitty about her? Who gives a flying fuck. Focus on yourself. And you know what, when you do you're not going to look back. You can put more distance behind you and this faster than you can imagine. Slap yourself in the face and pull yourself out of the morass because nobody's going to do it for you.

[Creatine Dreams]

Thanks for all the responses and the tough love. I went to the gym and I do feel a little better.

I guess at this point, I should probably just stop posting about her and everything that happened. I did that for two months and it is time to stop. I might have to talk about it when I get a therapist, but no more posting about it on here. (I just hope I can keep this promise to myself.) Hell, it might even be a good idea just to stop posting on here for a while. Gonna play this one by ear.

All of you guys know me as a sad, mopey bastard, but that is not the only person I am. In fact, people in the real world know me as a pretty cool dude with a good sense of humor. I need to be that person again. But this time, I need to be a more genuine version of that person. One who does not make jokes to be liked by people, but a person who naturally expresses himself. I am not always happy, but a lot of times I am. And I have to allow myself to be honest with people, no matter how I feel. That is the only way that I am going to make genuine connections with people. I am sick of just being an acquaintance or playing a role to win people's affection. I have to accept myself for who I am. And it is not easy because I carry with me a ton of shame. But I have been on this planet for 34 years while some things have changed, there is still a lot of work to be done. I think from now on, if I do post, my posts will be focused on the future. The past holds a lot of weight over me, but I have to let go. Not just letting go of this girl, but of everything that is holding me back.

[Dizzy]

Creatine, you may want to check out a book called "How to fall out of love". I read it one year ago and did some of the exercises, it helped me to raise my self-esteem and focus on myself.

[Thor]

If you can afford it I suggest you go backpacking by yourself to another country for a few weeks possibly a month. Live in a youth hostel. You will learn so much about yourself.

[Creatine Dreams]

Yeah, I wish I had the time. I have never been backpacking on my own but I think it would be a great experience.

I have definitely gone out on my own in foreign countries but that was only for a night or two.

Maybe next year.

[Zelazny]

(05-26-2012 12:36 AM)Creatine Dreams Wrote:  Thanks for all the responses and the tough love. I went to the gym and I do feel a little better.

Just a tip, whenever you feel like crap, it's because there is something that makes you down. Feeling down won't fix it and make it go away. When I can actually muster the willpower, I try to apply HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) and decide if I'm one of those four and try to remedy it. Simply eating can sometimes end a rut.

Quote:I guess at this point, I should probably just stop posting about her and everything that happened. I did that for two months and it is time to stop. I might have to talk about it when I get a therapist, but no more posting about it on here. (I just hope I can keep this promise to myself.) Hell, it might even be a good idea just to stop posting on here for a while. Gonna play this one by ear.

There's nothing wrong with posting about how you feel or what happens. But in the end, it's about getting through something so it becomes something that is dealt with.

Quote:All of you guys know me as a sad, mopey bastard, but that is not the only person I am. In fact, people in the real world know me as a pretty cool dude with a good sense of humor. I need to be that person again. But this time, I need to be a more genuine version of that person. One who does not make jokes to be liked by people, but a person who naturally expresses himself. I am not always happy, but a lot of times I am. And I have to allow myself to be honest with people, no matter how I feel. That is the only way that I am going to make genuine connections with people. I am sick of just being an acquaintance or playing a role to win people's affection. I have to accept myself for who I am. And it is not easy because I carry with me a ton of shame. But I have been on this planet for 34 years while some things have changed, there is still a lot of work to be done. I think from now on, if I do post, my posts will be focused on the future. The past holds a lot of weight over me, but I have to let go. Not just letting go of this girl, but of everything that is holding me back.

The silly thing is, it's not things holding you back, but you holding yourself back. I'm still trying to digest it, but this helped me immensely in turning my mindset to one where I see the universe as a place offering lessons and experiences instead of pain and scary challenges. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WUXodFgbDfQ

[Drewid]

It's important to remember that EVERY emotion you have will pass given time. If you can recognize that all your feelings are ephemeral and not truly who you are, it can get you through a lot of bad moments (and a few good ones).