Introduction, and my long term relationship

[Lefty]

I suspect that few people here will be able to relate to my story, but I'm going to give it a try.

I'm 32. I've been in a relationship with a girl, R, for over a decade (barring a couple breaks we had). R has been pretty much my only social outlet for a long time - a fact I have been fine with.

A couple months ago, I met a cute 19 year old girl, S. We spent a ridiculous amount of time together for a couple weeks (no sex or anything). Then I screwed up due to my social incompetence and it seems S doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Which sucks, but I'm mostly OK about it.

The point here though is that my experience with S was exhilarating. And it has led to this crazy cascade of questioning my life choices. I've realized I want friends. I've realized I have regrets about not spending my 20s with a bunch of different women. I've realized part of the reason I stayed with R even during some awful times was due to my fear and insecurities.

And finally, I'm no longer as sure I want to be in an exclusive relationship right now. I am terrified I will wake up when I am 55 and freak out that I wasn't with more women when I had the chance.

I've already made a few changes in my life. For instance, I went out and made a friend, B. B is a girl. It's nice to have somebody other than R. I want to try to make a male friend too, but I haven't had a male friend since I was a teenager and I am clueless. It's pretty easy to talk to women, but I don't know about men.

Oh, one more thing. R fantasizes about me having sex with other women. She sees me as this alpha male type, and this fits with that idea. So part of me wishes I could turn her fantasy into a reality, where we have some kind of half-open relationship... But realistically this is probably impossible.

So. That's my story. I kind of foresee some people telling me I should leave R. And if that's how you feel, please say so; obviously I'm posting here because I want people's input. But on the other hand I think few of you have had a relationship this long. It seems completely bonkers to tell her goodbye. (And to make this clear, since I have focused here on all my recent revelations: I love R.)

[Tim]

I saw this picture just this morning as it happens, and can't help but think it applies to you.



If you're staying with this woman just because of how long you've been together, that's definitely not a good sign for the future.

I'm sure others will have plenty of advice for you, but mine would be to think about the fact that you don't have a lot of experience to draw upon. You're very committed to this woman, and it's hard to tell what your life would be like without her. I don't know if it would be better or worse, but it would definitely be incredibly different.

[Lefty]

Thanks Tim.

The Depp quote does make me think. But I actually don't literally believe it. Who decided it was impossible to love two people at the same time? And if it's supposed to apply to S... yeah, I did have a big dumb crush on S, and yeah she did end up making me question all kinds of things. But does that mean I don't really love R, or is that just the natural result of taking a man in my position and handing him a very young, pretty, fun girl who wants to spend all day with him and open up to him and tell him how she's horny all the time?

[Chaos]

No, I don't agree with Depp quote, I think you can love two people at the same time... But if you can hook up with two people at the same time it's an entirely different matter.

There's a difference between having an open relationship and cheating. Fact is for any healthy relationship of any kind there's the need of everyone wanting to be in that kind of relationship.

Right now you're basically cheating since the rules haven't been established and R. is probably thinking you're exclusive so you need to either leave R. or just be upfront about what you want right now... That's a tricky conversation to have and you'll be afraid to have it because it involves the possibility of actually losing her. But actually the conversation is not that hard... you always imagine it worst than it will be, it's like approaching a woman, somehow you always think is worst than it actually is.

[Tim]

I think it's more saying that if the first girl really was all you were looking for, then the second one never would have come along.

If you really loved R, then it doesn't matter how pretty and fun S is, you'd stay true to her. I mean sure, people cheat in relationships and still love the person they're with. But it's usually because there's something wrong with the relationship for that specific time, and then if the relationship is going to continue to work that issue needs to be fixed. It doesn't sound like that's the case here. It sounds like you've reached a point where this relationship is no longer able to give you everything you need.

[Lefty]

I guess I haven't been clear. R and I are definitely exclusive and I didn't cheat on her. S and I told each other about our relationships (she has a boyfriend) and said we were just friends, and I didn't touch her. Yes, I was very attracted to her and we had some inappropriate conversations, but I don't think that counts as cheating. Actually this is part of the confusion... Part of my reaction to S was just due to having a new friend for the first time in years and realizing I actually enjoyed spending time with someone other than R. It's hard to separate all the different factors in my mind. Maybe all I really need is to be more social and make a few lifestyle changes... or maybe I need to go out and pick up some women.

Also, I didn't pursue S, on either level. In fact, I was hesitant about it due to the age difference and another factor I won't get into. But every day, I'd hear from her again.

(BTW, that was interesting to me. If I were the one initiating any kind of social contact, I would not start contacting the person every single day, even if I really liked him/her, for fear of coming on too strong and chasing him/her off. But S had no problem with this at all. She wanted to talk to me and hang out with me all the time despite the fact that we had just met, so she just did it. I admired that. And enjoyed it.)

Chaos, as far as the "tricky conversation"... It seems you are suggesting I should tell her R, "I want to see other women, while still seeing you." But does that actually happen? Are people in exclusive long term relationships able to make that transition without it just falling apart immediately?

[Tim]

Cheating doesn't have to be purely physical/sexual: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_affair

[SeXyBaCk]

Your original post... is the conversation you need to have with your girlfriend. You've been with her for 10 something years, you owe her honesty. What you don't owe her is the rest of your life. At the same time, you're better off addressing this now before you and she are older, and maybe too old for a truely fresh start. I think what you need more than anything are lifestyle adjustments. So talk about it with her.

[Lefty]

Yes, I've talked about all this with R quite a bit. Actually, she knew I was hanging out with S even when that was going on. I don't think she quite realized just how much time I was spending with S, but I wasn't hiding it.

R has been pretty good about all this, although she's obviously not thrilled about the situation. I think she does feel a bit of desperation for me, like she has to do everything right to make sure I stay with her.

[Lefty]

Over the last couple days I've made some revelations about all this. The short version of it is this: part of my self esteem is really dependent on being attractive to women. I haven't had many opportunities to feed this part of my ego in a long time. The fact that S was so young and attractive and liked me so much made me feel really good about myself and like it was OK that I was getting older.

So I think the biggest reason I wish I could date other women is to get some sort of big self esteem boost before I get too old and it's impossible. (Not the only reason, but...)

Also, while I do like my new friend B for herself, I realized I'm also kind of using her in that I know she is attracted to me, and that feels good. In fact, although I was very clear with her verbally that I only want to be friends, I have been acting in a way to encourage her to want me. I didn't set out deliberately to do this; I have been unintentionally being a jerk.

Obviously this is not a completely healthy component of my personality. External validation and all that. So I'm working on this.

[gentlefeminist]

I believe there is no goal, only the journey. I think its amazing that you are examining your psyche and challenging your motivations. Any relationship is how you define it. Monogamy is a broad term that needs defining (emotional? physical? mental?) and one choice out of many configurations. If you are insecure then it is only natural that your inner child will seek to be loved by many (like mine). You need to heal this. Once you have healed this, you can then make a choice from a healthy and complete place as to whether you would like several partners or just one. And how important this is to you. Because you will face many challenges and rejections from society in becoming polyamorous. If you have any vestiges of insecurity left, this will be devastating!

[Lefty]

(07-18-2012 07:28 AM)gentlefeminist Wrote:  I think its amazing that you are examining your psyche and challenging your motivations.

Thanks. It's strange, I didn't really realize until now this deal about women liking me and my self esteem... but now that I do, I can see how it has affected my interactions with women over the years. In fact in some ways I've had very miniatured versions of my S experience repeatedly. By which I mean, I meet a woman, talk with her enough that I feel that she is probably interested in me (and I enjoy that feeling), and then I drop it because I'm in a monogamous relationship. Do other men do this?

S was the same thing, except moreso, because I saw her a lot more and she came on so strong.

[Jarocho]

Hi Lefty,
I think you being in a commited relationship for so long will naturally lead to you wanting the opposite.
You self esteem should not be coming from whether or not you sleep with a lot of women, but maybe there is a part of meeting a lot of women that's important to you.
For example, all of my life I've been afraid of rejection, so at least in my case getting over that fear or confronting that fear has been very important. I don't care if I end up sleeping with a lot of women, but to me is huge that I can start and keep a conversation going with the opposite sex.
I also think that it's a natural state in men to be with several women (there is plenty written about that), but at the same time having a person who can be a friend and a lover at the same time is not a bad thing at all.
I just broke up with my GF two months ago, so in my case I plan on taking at least the next 6 months to explore and confront more my fear of rejection before I make my next commitment.
Once I'm committed again I know will be confronted by the same thing that is happening to you with S, but at least then I can say that I had some fun being single again and will probably not have to rethink my entire relationship because of it.

[Bodio_Ignacio]

Hi. I have been in a LTR fot 16 years and I am now wanting to explore the women market a little, I am 38. Me and my woman we get along very very good, we are even partners as attorneys, BUT we have not been able to get along on the sex part almost never from the start. There have been always issues and barriers always. Now I want to have with her the talk so she chooses: or we got now to therapy to get along well also in the sex part or we set a deadline, a cool and smooth one, respectfully and with love for our 7 yo daugther. I have not been a real up today, I have tolereated a mediocre relationship on this area. I am guilty on this. How do you see this?