IdEngager is occasionally not, well, engaging

[IdEngager]

I've been thinking about this lately cause over the last month or two, a lot of my social interactions/dates/evenings out haven't been horribly stimulating or exciting, and I feel like most of the problem is on my end.

Growing up, and probably now, I could hardly be described as a people person. I've always been a good listener, but I've not really one for small talk, and I'm not really that guy who brightens everyone's day by being chipper or anything like that. I can be moody and aloof, and sometimes I just want to get through my day without being bothered, but I know I can be engaging too when I want to. I mean, I get along with plenty of people, right? I don't have trouble making friends among all kinds of groups, and I can even be good at the small talk when I'm feeling into it and upbeat.

Is it really wrong for me to not feel that way all the time? I feel there's some sort of disconnect in me, in that I feel perfectly fine not interacting with people most of the time, but I also want to feel more stimulated and engaging more of the time. I think there's been some times recently when I've felt like I've come off as unnecessarily disengaged or uninterested when I didn't really mean to come off that way. Like once, I had gone out with this girl a few times and it had been great, but we went out for a drink and I droned on like it was an interview, and things have been BUH ever since. Or the other day, I had gone out and ran into a gay friend and a girl who straight up told me I was "beautiful" (this is pretty flattering, obviously), and all I could muster up was a "Oh haha, thanks" instead of getting any real conversation or anything. I wasn't really interested in either but I didn't mean to come off as dismissive like that!

Any help or tips?

[Halo Effect]

I'm struggling with the same question right now.

I am very social and chatty at times, and I can do random small talk too nowadays. But in the end I am an introvert and I like to be alone at times, especially after a busy period.

But when I feel introverted or just don't feel like being super social, I'm troubled by beliefs like:
"I should be social (to be attractive)"
"It is bad to be introverted"
"People should always like me"
"Girls should be attracted to me so I should 'act attractive'"

I think many of these beliefs come from being into PUA for a while. I have at times accepted my introvertedness and relaxed while listening to other people chatting, and it's a great feeling. It feels good because I'm used to thinking "Damn, I'm being too quiet! I should be saying more!"

So the question is: learn to be chatty all the time, or accept that being quiet occasionally is just who I am and that is fine too? I think the latter option is the best one. Not that that is an excuse to never improve yourself, but like you I can already be social, but I just don't want to be social all the time!




I think this has to do with being authentic and non-needy. If you are being social because you feel you need to be social, in stead of just feeling social, you're not being authentic.
If you are being quiet while feeling that you should be chatty, then you start feeling insecure about your own behavior.
But if you feel at ease with being quiet occasionally, you can feel non-needy and secure. But like I said, I'm still experimenting with this myself.

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Quote:Like once, I had gone out with this girl a few times and it had been great, but we went out for a drink and I droned on like it was an interview, and things have been BUH ever since.

What works for me in this scenario is to immediately tell the girl that I am feeling this way. Tell her "I'm in a shitty mood at the moment. If I act like a jack-ass, don't take it personally. I like hanging out with you. ". This way, she'll be more understanding and the honesty will not make it you against her, but more like you and her against your shitty mood. She might even try to make you feel better.

[Jon]

I don't think those feelings ever go away, but at some point you learn to put your game face on when you need to be social. I used to be bad at this but I have gotten better. I have a close friend from law school who is also one of the most social guys I have ever met. He's the guy that not only knew everyone at my law school, but also, from what I can tell, knew half the people at his relatively large undergrad. If somebody was there at the same time as him, even odds that they know the guy if I mention him.

If you didn't know him well, you'd think he's "always on." But, I know the guy, he's comfortable around me. We'd be late into studying for exams and feeling like shit, taking a break and having a coffee in the courtyard of our law school. We were not "on" at all. We were mostly sitting around sulking and complaining. However, if somebody he knew casually passed by, he would perk up, say hi, chat for a minute, and then once the other person left, go back to acting miserable.

[Halo Effect]

Interesting. My best friend is ridiculously social and very good at networking as well. Knows everybody. When we're out in a club it's not uncommon for him to just talk to nearly every cute girl there.

I used to always look up to him and think he was supremely confident, but as I've gotten to know him better, it turns out he's often insecure and cares a lot about what people think of him. And he can be very needy around girls as well, especially when he's into them.

[baller08]

You're Asian right? It's the culture. You've been raised to be meek and humble, that's why you can't even take a genuine compliment.

Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy"...if you have already then read it again. Seriously, that book will help you a ton.

http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Gu...355&sr=8-1

[FirstAidKit]

I think you might find you need to give yourself some 'off' time to be your best for your 'on' time. I'm someone who really loves social interaction but for every few days of that I need a day of literally shutting myself up in my room, reading a book and not talking to anyone. Cut yourself some slack, you don't need your game face on all the time, you sound like you are doing great.

[Zac]

I'm like hyper social 10% of the time and spend about the other 90% of my time almost exclusively by myself or with my roommates. This has changed because of my gf but still, 90% of my time is not spent being super social. People kind of get really annoyed with me at how much I don't go out.

[IdEngager]

@FAK and @Zac: You're probably right, I could probably use a lot more time off. I'm definitely a person who has a hard time saying "no" to things and well, lots of people ask me to do things. I feel terrible when I'm not doing anything in particular though! I definitely have a tendency to take on way too many things at once and not feeling particularly enthused by any of them at once.

@baller: No I have not read that book. And I am indeed Asian, and pretty unassuming, but I'm weird. My friends growing up and now were definitely not majority Asian (pretty evenly split between white/black/Asian/Hispanic), and I was probably the only Filipino who did not regularly go to Catholic church growing up. Definitely felt like a bit of an outcast whenever I'd visit an Asian-centric club in college! I mostly wanted to play in a punk band and smoke a lot of weed.

@Halo: I'm actually surprisingly good at networking for work. If it wasn't for that, I wouldn't get any work at all. I've been putting out some new job feelers lately and am sorta surprised how much people have been willing to help me out or wanting to catch up. I guess it's giving an appearance of being somewhat competent at what I do and being easy to get along with... cause there's definitely times when I don't feel completely competent. I mean, I've had people asking me to apply for a job (implying I have an inside track) or asking me to play or DJ a gig without actually having seen me work. At all. How do you explain that? I suppose it's better just to have magic than to be actually good.

@Jon: I am the complete opposite of your friend. Whatever I feel like that day, that is what you are getting from me. Sometimes I'm energetic and friendly, sometimes I'm curt and standoffish, but whatever it is, that's genuinely how I feel, and it's nothing personal. But I like most people! I suppose I could get a lot better at that part of interpersonal relationships. One time that stands out to me still was on an old team in a rec league I played in, one of my teammates I didn't really know before this team told me when we went out to the bar when we finished the season, "Man, you didn't say two words to me all year, but now we've hung out and it turns out you're really cool!" And we were really cool ever after that. Am I just that hard to break through to?

Whatever, he should just be happy I threw him all those touchdown passes, and we won the league, cause I was the best player on that team!

@Halo: I like your post, evidenced by the like. Definitely also trying to shake off some of those PUA-isms that I should be on all the time.